Wednesday, May 2, 2012

One of THOSE Days


I'm having one of those days today. The kind of day where I wake up in tears and struggle to get out of bed. The kind of day where the guilt overwhelms and the storm of resulting emotions envelopes me in darkness. The kind of day that brings millions of questions and no answers. Yet, it seems so critical that I find the answers.

If there was ever a day I needed a spanking it's days like today. The pain is already here, sitting right below the surface. Boiling and bubbling and pushing to get out. I try to ignore it, that no longer works. I try to channel it into productive activities. That only diverts it for a short time, it doesn't vanquish it.

I try to rationalize the feelings. Instead of being helpful that just causes the argument between Em and Rat to get that much louder. Em wants me to accept and embrace fully who I have become. Rat has a whole bucketful of reasons why I can't.

I poke holes in the bucket in an attempt to drain away the reasons why I can't be who I want to be. That does nothing to change reality. I want to hide from reality because this particular reality gives me anxiety attacks. I'm ashamed that I'm not stronger.

I used to be so much stronger. I used to be the one everyone leaned on. I used to be the one everyone looked to to have the answers. I am not that strong anymore. I can't hold anyone up right now. I have no answers. What do you do when you are no longer the person everyone thought you were?

I've found myself telling Musicman more times then I am comfortable admitting, "I'm trying so hard." He tells me I'm trying too hard. I tell him, "I'm not that strong anymore." He says I don't have to be that strong. The truth is, I don't know how to not be strong, I don't know how to not try hard.

I think the real problem is that I'm fighting for the wrong thing.

I need to turn my brain off for awhile as all I'm currently accomplishing is a headache.

24 comments:

  1. I've only been a reader of your blog a short while, who are Em and Rat? Hope you feel better soon. This kind of depression is debilitating.
    Take care
    Joyce

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    1. Welcome Joyce, Em is my emotional mind and Rat is my rational mind. They took over the keyboard and wrote a post called Em vs. Rat back in February. Thanks for the kind words, they are appreciated :)

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  2. Oh Faerie, I'm sorry that you're having that kind of a day today. :( Being strong isn't all it's made out to be though. And I'm not entirely sure that the opposite of being strong is being weak either. Or perhaps it's just that our definition of being strong is all messed up, and that's not what real strength is about at all. I don't know. I'm sure I'm being as clear as mud and not helping. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all grow and change over time and that's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact, it can be a really good thing. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks for the wonderful words of support Grace. No worries about being clear as mud either, I'm pretty good at it myself, lol.

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  3. Sorry that you are having a bad day. I wish I had some pithy words of wisdom on hand to handle it but just want to wish you the best. You are a wonderful person who has coped with a lot and you deserve much happiness. Good luck.

    FD

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    1. Thank you FD, I think my coping skills are just a little warn out right now :)

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  4. {{{{faerie}}}}} I understand the feeling of being weak. Someone just sent me this today - "Crying doesn't mean that you are weak, it just means you've been strong too long" Sometimes you need to be filled back up, sweetie, sometimes you need to lean. You can lean on us.

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    1. June, Thank you for the lovely verse, that's exactly how I feel. I've been strong too long. With such great support from friends like you I will learn to lean a bit at a time :)

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  5. Feel Better, Faerie. Thinking of you!

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    1. Thanks you SNP, The sun is out today, that will help some :)

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  6. I am sorry you are having a hard time today. Sometimes those just have to run their course, and hopefully you will wake up feeling better.

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    1. You are so right about them running there course. I'm hoping it is short this time :)

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  7. Sorry it's a bad day but we can't be strong all the time. Every once in a while you can lean on someone. I'm sure MM will be there to catch you. You've done the same for him. Tomorrow is another day and it will better.

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    1. It's tomorow, the sun is out. I'm counting that as a win, lol. Sometimes I just have to keep it simple :) Thanks for reminding me of that.

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  8. It is okay to stress and worry and have a day that Rat and Em go back in forth in disagreement. Take these days in stride and hopefully as these days become fewer and farther apart. Embrace it all. And in the meantime, you are in my prayers. (((hugs)))

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    1. Blondie, very perseptive, they do seem to be coming farther apart. Still sucks when it happens though, lol. Thank you for the support, it helps :)

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  9. Em and Rat...those two can be pesky, no? I hope they find a way to exist nicely together. I like the advice Musicman gave you, maybe you don't have to be strong. I imagine after a lifetime of feeling strong, it's hard for you to come to a constant halt, but perhaps in time you can recognize when you need the strength and when you can sit back a bit.

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    1. Em and Rat can definitely be pesky, I gave them some cupcakes and sent them away, lol. Your right, I'm sure time will bring a change in perspective and hopefully a bit better ability to understand and deal :)

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  10. My husband and I have had a bunch of talks on this "strength" issue. I often feel like since taking on ttwd, I am a giant weakling and have lost some of the strength that everyone used to count on. He doesn't see me that way at all and in fact believes that I am stronger in my submission. The fact is that vulnerability feels 'weak' and yet he sees my willingness to go there as strength. Bah, I don't know if I'm making much sense, but I sure do understand the trying too hard part. I do wonder if your MM sees what you perceive as lack of strength as something a big different.

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    1. That's wonderful that your husband sees it as a strength, I don't think Musicman sees it that way. I think it really bothers him, his first instinct is still to leave me alone and wait for it to pass. I guess we both still have some adjusting to do :)

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  11. I hope your having a better day today Faerie.

    Love and hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  12. Oh, Faerie... bless you. Sending healing hugs and prayers for you to be wrapped in the knowledge of who is in control of your life. That which does not kill you, makes you stronger. You have to walk this path, to reach your goal, BUT you do NOT have to walk it alone. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  13. Thank you Daisy, the love and support from everyone here has been more then I could have ever imagined. Truly uplifting :)

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