Wednesday, May 2, 2012
One of THOSE Days
I'm having one of those days today. The kind of day where I wake up in tears and struggle to get out of bed. The kind of day where the guilt overwhelms and the storm of resulting emotions envelopes me in darkness. The kind of day that brings millions of questions and no answers. Yet, it seems so critical that I find the answers.
If there was ever a day I needed a spanking it's days like today. The pain is already here, sitting right below the surface. Boiling and bubbling and pushing to get out. I try to ignore it, that no longer works. I try to channel it into productive activities. That only diverts it for a short time, it doesn't vanquish it.
I try to rationalize the feelings. Instead of being helpful that just causes the argument between Em and Rat to get that much louder. Em wants me to accept and embrace fully who I have become. Rat has a whole bucketful of reasons why I can't.
I poke holes in the bucket in an attempt to drain away the reasons why I can't be who I want to be. That does nothing to change reality. I want to hide from reality because this particular reality gives me anxiety attacks. I'm ashamed that I'm not stronger.
I used to be so much stronger. I used to be the one everyone leaned on. I used to be the one everyone looked to to have the answers. I am not that strong anymore. I can't hold anyone up right now. I have no answers. What do you do when you are no longer the person everyone thought you were?
I've found myself telling Musicman more times then I am comfortable admitting, "I'm trying so hard." He tells me I'm trying too hard. I tell him, "I'm not that strong anymore." He says I don't have to be that strong. The truth is, I don't know how to not be strong, I don't know how to not try hard.
I think the real problem is that I'm fighting for the wrong thing.
I need to turn my brain off for awhile as all I'm currently accomplishing is a headache.