Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Analysis of a Meltdown

It's been a busy couple days of various vanilla type activities, and thinking. Lots and lots of thinking. Things got a little bit more confusing before they got better, but they have gotten better.  It was very hard for me to write the series of posts that I did last week. They were not any easier for Musicman to read.  But they needed to be written. I needed to get it out into the light of day so I could see it a little better.

I've been having these meltdowns off and on since I got sober. I believe they are a combination of post alcoholic depression and menopausal hormone storms. I have been treating them physically with a variety of things and writing is helping tons too. They are getting some better and we are hoping that at some point they are no longer an issue. Only time will tell on that one.

Spanking is part of the physical aspect of addressing these episodes. Needless to say we haven't exactly gotten that part right yet, not consistently. When it works, it works great, when it doesn't work, it can be a bit disasterous. It has been difficult for me to figure out what the problem is because these episodes, once they end are hard for me to remember. They have a very fog like quality for me. All Musicman sees is me being very quiet and withdrawn, sometimes tears. Usually during these times I stop writing posts and comment very little on anyone else's blog.


Being able to focus outside myself during this last episode enough to be able to write it all out, is a big step forward for me. I think I might actually see what the problem is now. I'm not sure I am able to put it all down in writing yet in a clear concise way, but I'm not done thinking either.

One thing I do know is that I am very grateful for this community. All the wonderful supportive comments helped keep me moving enough to get through it and get it all written out. I like to take in all available information and mull it over before making a decision. I sometimes think I consider too many sides of some issues, but I don't think that is possible in this case. In this case, for me, the more information the better and I appreciate so much all the information shared out here.
Thank you all.

30 comments:

  1. faerie, I'm very happy to hear things are improving for you. And I agree that this community is great, I don't know how I would have done with ttwd if it weren't for everyone else's help and insights!

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    1. Thanks Riley, the different perspectives and support really do help, thanks for sharing yours with me :)

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  2. Wonderful to know things are improving. You sound so much better.
    Take care

    Joyce

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    1. Thanks Joyce, I feel better and hopefully that feeling will stay :)

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  3. Good to hear you are on the up and up.

    All the best.

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    1. Thanks Ponyboy, I may get knocked down alot right now, but I eventually get back up.

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  4. DH was an alcoholic when I met him and it took him years to decide to quit. After he quit, he started loosing weight and it took a long time for him to find himself again. I hope you are really feeling better, and I know what how its like: When it is good, it is really good, and when its bad, I start to question absolutely everything!

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    1. I'm happy to hear your DH licked the problem too. I have been a work in progress this last year and will keep going till I get there, The support helps tremendously :)

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  5. Have I told you lately how much I hate the mechanics of blogger but am so grateful for blogland.

    Anyway, glad the "smog" is beginning to clear. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other is my motto. Sometimes easier said than done.

    Good thoughts my friend.

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    1. I think maybe the problem is I want to run towards the answers, then I don't see some things coming and they trip me up. I'm back up and moving again. That's a start :)

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  6. Thanks for this faerie. We've all been worried about you. It's really great that you are starting to find your way out of the fog...together!

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    1. I'm sorry I worried you, honestly, I worry myself when these episodes occur. We don't have rules or do punishments, but if we did, saying I'm going to leave should be the first punishable offence.

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  7. Just checking in and glad to read your post today.
    Keep writing your thoughts -especially if it is helpful.
    We are here and we are all "pulling for you". Getting things into the light is a good thing. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks for "pulling" for me, the support is more helpful then I can express :)

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  8. Just want you to know all of your blogger friends are thinking of you and are wishing you the best. You have certainly coped with a lot of things in your life. Hope the fog is clearing. Good luck and let us know how you are doing. This is a supportive community and we care.

    FD

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    1. My coping skills definitely need more work, but I won't give up. Having such a supportive and caring place to work this through helps so much. Thank you :)

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  9. I'm so glad it's getting better, faerie. This is an awesome community & I'm proud to be part of it.

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    1. I'm so happy you are part of it. It really is like no other place I've ever been :)

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  10. This community has helped me through lots of the ups and downs of TTWD, and the rest of life as well. It's hard to share these deep down, unpleasant emotions and it was brave of you to do so. Sometimes I find as soon as I've gotten them out then I can start taking steps forward to accept or improve things.

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    1. I never thought all the dark things I have talked about here would come out. When they do they aren't pretty but it always help me to get them out. Thanks for the support :)

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  11. I am glad things are getting better for you my friend.

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    1. Thanks for the warm comments trazuredpet, they help so much :)

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  12. You're getting there and that's wonderful.

    So glad I can just be a small part of that. :)

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    1. I'm so glad you are a part of it too. I will get there, maybe not as soon as I would like, but I will :)

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  13. Hope things continue to improve, faerie! All the best!

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    1. Life is a rollercoaster, I just need to learn to get off it before I spew nastiness everywhere. I'm working on that :)

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  14. My family has a huge number of people who are/were alcoholics. The reason I say "were" is that many have passed now.Some are still here and haven't seen the problem yet. Some didn't start down that path until later in life, when life got harder. Some are recovering very well, with many years of sobriety. When my own mother started down that path (when before, she only had a small drink a couple times a year), I got concerned with the "genetics of it". My husband and I choose not to drink, before it became that for us. When I'm with people who are drinking, they sometimes think it is because of my religion, and I am judging them. I hate when a person has to explain everything they do or don't do, but I explain that it is not. It is about my chemical make-up, my genetics. I feel like with my struggle with depression it would have been a disaster for me. I am proud of you for your effort and success. I pray that God will give you strength and power for continued success. May God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

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    1. I come from a long line of alcoholics too. It was not an issue for me until just a few years ago. I have been sober for a little over a year and have been working very hard to put my life back together. I've made a lot of progress and will keep working at it. Thanks you for the support and prayers, it makes it easier to keep fighting :)

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  15. It is interesting to me faerie, how many of us have struggled in the past week to ten days with depression and moodiness and distance. Meanwhile we have just gotten past the most powerful full moon of the year-but of course, we humans aren't effected by that!......Sobriety is a great battle won, although the depression hiding underneath the addiction is usually a tough war too. Throw menopause in there and who wouldn't go slightly weird now and then? I'm a sister in all of these, faerie. Hang in, hang on, and glad you're moving forward!

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    1. I am a believer in the cycles of the moon effecting people and I did notice that many of us were struggling last week.

      Life's a bitch and sometimes so am I, lol. I will keep hanging on and I so appreciate the support :) Thank you

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