I've been thinking about Ana's suggestion to write about my earliest happy memory. As I said, I imagine for most people that would be a childhood memory. I don't have any truly happy childhood memories. Sure there were times that things we did were fun, and it probably seemed to any outsider looking in that I was a normal happy kid. The abuse I was experiencing though was always present and prevented true happiness.
I thought about the time after I moved out and was alone. It was a heady time for me, freedom was at hand. I had great friends and lots of wonderful times. But, I knew I wanted more for myself. I wanted the fairy tale life I had read about so often in the books I escaped into to survive my childhood. I believed I could achieve that life too.
People told me otherwise, told me that life isn't like that. I would say the obligatory things and tell them I knew that. Secretly though, I always believed that there was a great love out there for me and that if I could just find him I would achieve the fairy tale.
I didn't find him, he found me, almost as soon as I stopped looking. I didn't stop believing, I was just taking a break. Who knew that Prince Charming wore a leather jacket and hung out in seedy bars? Not me! But I sure am glad he did.
It didn't take me long to realize that with him I could have my fairy tale. The happiest times of my life were those early years together. The years before we had kids and other responsibilities to worry about. We were young and in love and trying to figure out how to make it all work.
Musicman is not much of a talker about feelings and emotions and that kind of stuff, but I think sometimes that is a good thing. One thing I realized quickly is that since he doesn't talk much about it, when he does, I pay attention. He was pretty clear about the things he needed to be happy in the relationship and what he expected from me.
I did change quite a bit to fit his expectations, but they were always changes for the better, not frivolous type things. Things that made me feel better about myself and my place in the world. He was also quite subtle about working his way around my issues to get what he wanted. He has never been into forcing me to do anything, wouldn't work even if he had been.
One of the first things he did was basically train me to never say no to sex. He never came right out and said I couldn't refuse him, he just made it so I never wanted to refuse. If I said I was too tired, he said he would put me to sleep. If I said I had a headache or cramps or some other mild malady he said he would make me feel better. Since he always backed up all his claims it didn't take long for me to trust him.
That trust carried over into our everyday lives too. It was very easy for me to follow his lead, for me to accept that he was usually right. Not because he was a man, but because of the person he is. There were definitely times I doubted him early on, he never pushed me when I did. He would just let whatever situation it was play out, then deal with the aftermath. I learned quickly that while he would always be there to catch me when I fell, if I worked with him and listened to him I wouldn't fall in the first place. It doesn't mean that he has all the answers, but together we always manage to find the answers we need.
We may not have ever used the words dominant or submissive, but that's basically how it worked out for us. Being submissive may not be right for every woman, but for me, it was. I believed in a fairy tale. I achieved it, and I owe it all to the fact that I got the right Prince Charming for me.