Sunday, May 6, 2012

Broken Spirit

It's 3:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping. I'm not because I can't turn my brain off.

Things have not gone as well as I had hoped for this weekend and I am feeling quite defeated. I'm past the pain and hurt, I'm past angry. I'm just empty and defeated. I tried talking and received little to no response from him. That is his typical response when things come along that he does not want to deal with, ignore it until it goes away. He knows this is a problem and he does it anyway and freely admits when I push him on it that this is the case.

It continues to take me doing something drastic to get a response from him. He did finally react when I got my purse and keys and was walking out. When that happens whatever he does seems like too little too late. I always give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to him, because I really don't want to leave. I do my best to keep my temper under control and make an effort to speak intelligently about what I need. I often fail at both, but I do at least try.

Eventually we get to a place where I am all talked out, but we never seem to actually make any significant progress. We cover the same ground over and over and over and go no where. It's frustrating, but I put that aside and try to figure out where I have gone wrong, what I have failed to clearly communicate, how can I fix it.

I keep coming back to the same conclusion. For whatever reason, he does not want to put forth the effort needed to help me. Not surprisingly, he feels he is making an effort. I have a very difficult time explaining that I need more from him. I feel guilty even asking for more and that too seems wrong. It very much leaves me feeling like I'm in this all alone.

When I get to that point my mind takes the next logical leap and tells me if I'm going to be alone in this then I should really be alone. I should leave. That idea used to scare me, it used to make me feel like it was an illogical panic reaction. I no longer feel that way. I am starting to accept the fact that maybe I was wrong, maybe we weren't meant to be together forever.

If my choices are to stay and be unhappy or leave and be alone, I'll leave. I'd rather be alone and have some chance at being happy then be together and make both of us miserable. I never thought I would be one of those women that walked out after decades of marriage. It's beginning to become a very real possibility, all because he can't or won't make the effort to understand how important this is to me.

He's more then willing to meet my needs as long as he gets to define those needs. I'm willing to do just about anything for him, but I'm not willing to do that. It took me a long time to trust someone enough and be secure enough to recognize what I really needed. Now that I have I don't think I can just ignore it to make things easier for him.  I have now come full circle and am back at square one.

34 comments:

  1. Ah faerie, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Once you talk some more, I'm hoping you won't feel quite so defeated. I'm not sure if your issue is an ongoing one, that has always been there? but is there a chance that musicman could be suffering from depression to some sort of degree? It's quite a common effect from surgery. Anyway, you know where I am if you need to talk it out more etc.
    ((hugs))

    Dee x

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    1. Ahh Dee, my friend, I'm starting to feel better.These last few posts have been difficult but necessary. Thanks for all your support, it helps a lot :)

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  2. Faerie, I'm sorry you are hurting so badly and feeling defeated. I don't have any wise words for you but am thinking about you today and hope that your musicman opens up a little and you two can talk this out today. He loves you!

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    1. Susie, you always say you have no wise words, and that always make me chuckle because you usually do :) He loves you! Very wise words indeed!

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  3. The pain you are feeling comes through loud and strong in your blog today. As a new reader to your site, I'm not fully aware of your past circumstances.

    As Dee said is there a possibility musicman is depressed? Also I don't know your ages, but some men begin to lose the hormone testosterone as they age. It can lead to depression and severe loss of libido.

    Since talking hasn't seemed to solve anything...make a written list of your needs and how you would like them met. Ask him to do the same. Perhaps you could find a common point to build upon to repair your relationship.

    Good luck and don't do anything drastic like leaving....not while you are in the mist of a deep funk.

    Joyce

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    1. "in the mist of a deep funk," very accurate way of describing what has been going on. Thank you for your kind words and support while I've been stuck in that mist. It's starting to part some :)

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  4. Write if you can't get the point across verbally. You said everything but what the issue is so I can't offer much help here. Have you thought that it may be just as important to him?

    I came to turning point several years ago. Does it hurt more to leave or to stay? Yes, it hurt staying with Dragon but I decided that it would hurt more to live without him. Once I made that decision, things started to improve.

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    1. In this case it isn't really so much about the issue as it is about how I am dealing with issues. Writing it out has been hard but helpful. I appreciate your understanding and support :)

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  5. It sounds like you are in a very tough spot right now. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Maybe with some space and a little time to process things, he'll come around? I hope that you are able to work things out Faerie!

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    1. Thank you Tess, we will work things out, in my sane moments I know leaving him is NOT an option.

      The clarity I gain from writing will help us both keep going :) It helps me immensely in figuring it out. The advice and support of friends helps too :)

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  6. Faerie - I get the being ready to walk out the door and then staying because you didn't really want to go. It is so hard to know when the "negotiations" are worth the risk of ending it all. There is obviously a point, but I personally would rather err on the side of caution in the case of the relationship.

    I am glad you wrote this out - I am sure it helped to get it down.

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    1. It helped tons to write this all out. It was difficult, but I know it has helped me and I won't give up trying to figure it all out.

      I'm never going to leave him, I would have no reason to live if I did. When I do pick up my purse and keys it is because I am at the breaking point of frustration. I've learned a lot from my last several posts and while it was tough to do, I think things are a little clearer now :)

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  7. So sorry for your pain. Can't think of anything to say that hasn't been said. It is up to you to weigh your options and make your choice. The truth is we are all in this world alone. Sure there is support but we are the ones who are ultimately responsible for our our thoughts, deeds, happiness, etc.

    I've read such love between your and MM that I can't believe that walking out is the best choice. But it's not my choice. Maybe you should consider taking a week or two by yourself and go off somewhere. Give both of you the space to think about what you really want or are willing to lose if things don't change.

    My heart goes out to you friend and I wish the best for you.

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    1. Thank you Sunnygirl for all your wonderful support. You're right, walking out is not the best choice. In my sane moments it not a choice or even a consideration. I'm working on having more sane moments :)

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  8. You sound so defeated. I hope things are better by the time you read this. I know what it feels like to feel defeated. When my husband was depressed, he would shut down, withdraw and disappear. At that point, I always thought that I might as well leave and really be alone. Even thinking back to it now, I still feel this way. But maybe you need to consider what is going on with him. Maybe it has nothing to do with you and he is just standing in his own way? Thinking of you today.

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    1. Thanks for telling me about your husband Julia. It really helped me see a few things a little clearer.

      Thanks for your support and insight :)

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  9. He needs to read this.

    Then you guys need to talk again.

    You love each other an awful lot - talking may be exhausting and feel like it leads nowhere sometimes - I know the feeling - but don't give up on it yet. Sometimes it takes a LOT of talk to bash through predetermined "understanding" through to a real one.

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    1. Oh, He read it. The timing wasn't the greatest, but what happened after was very helpful and informative for both of us, I think. More on that will be forthcoming :) Once I figure it out enough to put in words.

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  10. I think Sunnygirl has a good point, sometimes there is so much noise, we need to quiet everything, then come back together empty and refreshed so that we can hear each other.

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    1. This was just one of a series of "meltdows" as I think of that I have been experiencing. Writing about it this time was painful for both of us but I know it will be beneficial.

      I definitely have a difficult time with the "noise", it's just that it all comes from my own head. How do you get away from that? I'm still working on that one, but I'll keep you updated on any progress :)

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  11. faerie,
    We've recently come through a patch that sounds like this. I was terrified - for days and days, over and over. and he - he didn't really understand what i was trying to tell him, or that i felt so strongly. It has been hard to come back. I truly hope that some way around or through will show itself to you both.

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    1. Hi gg, I'm sorry to hear you have gone through this too, but it's good to know I'm not alone. Thank you for the support, I'm making progress, slowly sometimes, but right now it's ok :)

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  12. Faerie,

    I am sorry I am so late in getting over here. You were so nice to comment to me after my long post on Friday.
    Life and relationships are just not easy. There is a lot of wise counsel in all the above comments. I, too, hope you are feeling better about things at this point.
    You are certainly in my thoughts!!! (Don't give up) Hugs,

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    1. Yeah, life is just too hard sometimes. It helps bunches having someplace like this to get it all out into the light. It is a little easier to see and deal with then. The advice, support and friendship are priceless :)

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  13. faerie-sometimes you just have to wait. That's love. I know this may sound utterly stupid-but all you sisters here are holding you. Be quiet asnd rest a bit

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    1. It doesn't sound at all stupid, in fact, it's very comforting and strengthening. Thank you for that :)

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  14. I'm late too, sorry. I've been where you are. My marriage and I survived by me making the change. Not in what I needed, but in what I could live with. I know exactly what you want (because I was born with the same desire), but our men do not understand. No matter what we say - they are not going to completely get it. It's like talking them into getting taller. They can't do it. Sometimes approaching it differently helps. Nick will always be more open to the idea of a fun sexy spanking. Mostly I've had to learn to live with that limitation. What is going on in my mind while he's spanking is up to me.

    It's not time to go yet. I know because of how much you love him. Give him some more time to catch up.

    We're here for you.

    PK

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    1. I'm not sure what happened, but my reply for you is below my reply to Riley. See what happens when you give us Tech No's a computer, lol.

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  15. Aw, faerie, I hate to hear you sounding so down. I know talking can be the hardest thing sometimes. My boyfriend is a talker, but when it comes to talking about "us" it can be very frustrating, I have to really drag it out. Not that it helps you any, but I can at least empathize. Maybe it would be better if you two wrote it out? I don't know if it's that simple, but for me, I do much better in writing; when I speak, I get nervous and freeze, or he gets nervous and freezes. I hope you're able to work it out and that you feel better soon. Lots and lots of hugs to you.

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    1. Writing does help me work things through. These last few posts have been both difficult and painful. But they needed to be done, and I'm feeling better about how to proceed from here. Thank you :)

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  16. Never too late my friend :) Part of the BIG problem I think is me not totally understanding and expressing what I want or need. Just being able to admit I actually NEED something is a huge accomplishment for me.

    You're right, it's not time to go. He waited longer then he should have maybe for me to get back with the game, I can't quit now :)

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  17. Hi faerie...sorry it took me so long to get there and sorry you went through such a rough pacth. I am glad things are getting better and will be thinking about you two lots. I know admitting needs can be hard but sometimes we build it up so much in our minds and then when we get it out it's not such a big deal. This sounds tougher than that but I hope its get easier as times goes on.

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    1. No apologies needed my friend :) It will get better, I've learned quite a bit over the last few days so the pain was worth it.

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  18. I hope things work out. I know walking away may be hard but if it's the best for you both then sometimes you have to take the hard road. Hugs.

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