I mentioned in my last post that when I first approached Musicman with the idea of exploring a D/s relationship he didn't think it was much of a change for us. I agreed with him. It isn't much of a change for "us". It has however been a big change for me. I needed to change.
I have been at a bit of a crossroads in many different areas of my life this last year. Starting on this journey hasn't changed me fundamentally, but it has brough me a better understanding and acceptance of myself.
What I needed to understand was that I had already changed. Once I did understand that, I needed to accept those changes. In many ways I have come to that place of acceptance. It was actually pretty easy for me to do that, mostly because Musicman has accepted the changes.
He has always accepted me and who I think I am at any given moment. He also sees the real me and accepts her too. Sometimes those two things aren't the same. Sometimes that can cause problems for me.
Musicman has always been right beside me, supporting and encouraging me in whatever endeavor I decided on. He gives me his opinion and view on the situation. I don't often tell him how much I appreciate that. His views and opinions are usually very different from mine, but they never fail to bring to light aspects I have over looked.
I have been dealing with a very stressful issue for some time now. I know how I would like the situation to work out, but I don't have that kind of control over this particular situation. As I deal with this situation I face rejection on an almost daily basis. It can be very depressing.
In an effort to keep the depression at bay I intersperse the activity with others I enjoy throughout the day. I dance while I clean, it makes me happy to provide a clean, comfortable home for Musicman to come home to. I bake several times week, all Musicman's favorites. It lightens my heart to pamper him and feel like I am making things a little better for him.
The hardest part about facing the rejection is the feeling of letting him down it causes. This feeling is purely internal on my part, he does not think this way. When things get too bad, and I get lost in the negativityof my own thoughts and feelings, he is there.
I've spent quite a bit of time on this particularly stressing project today and am feeling a bit down. The housework is done, I think I'll go bake something for Musicman.
He deserves more then a crying defeated wife when he gets home.