Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The End

The young man that wouldn't take no for an answer was not my husband. He was a lovely man, boy really. He came into my life at a good time for me. We were both 16 when we met, seniors in high school. He was the oldest of two boys in a close loving family. His parents welcomed me as a daughter. When I wasn't at school or work I was with him, even sleeping over at his house after awhile. My parents were so clueless, they thought that because I went to church with his family regularly on Sundays that meant I wasn't having sex with him on Saturday nights when I stayed at his house. His parents were very open about sex, they had a very healthy and kinky sex life themselves. His parents respected our privacy in a very healthy way. His mother actually walked in on us once, she very calmly apologized, turned around walked out and closed the door. He was the first person I ever told my secret to. I don't know if he ever told his parents, but it wouldn't surprise me if he had. After we graduated he left town to go to college. I went with him. I was finally free.

We spent a total of 4 years together and parted ways amicably when I was 20 years old. I moved back to the city I had grown up in after the breakup. I lived with my ex's parents until I found my own place. I vowed that once I got out of my parents home I would never go back, I never have. Once I was single I worked 2 jobs and partied all night. It was a very carefree time for me, also very irresponsible. I'm convinced I had an entire squadron of guardian angels on my shoulder during that time.  I had made plans with a friend, we were leaving town together, moving to a bigger city with more opportunities. We had a date set and a place to stay setup, a solid plan of action.  Six weeks before I was scheduled to leave I met my husband. I never left town. Don't worry, my friend continued easily with the plan and has been very happy.

My second shift job was a small shift of mostly women older then I was. I had worked there my senior year of high school, they gladly took me back when I moved home. T was going through a divorce, B just liked to cheat on her husband and L, like me was single. We went out together alot.  T and I had gone out one night to our favorite dance spot. It was a small neighborhood bar with a huge bouncer and huge guys behind the bar. All the women knew that they were safe in the bar and the parking lot there. And boy was it a fun place to play, the bar owner encouraged dancing on the bars and the table tops, though there was a strict rule about clothes staying on until you got to a car or off the premises. Now, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to dance and spent my fare share of time on the tabletops and the bar, as well as the dance floor.  It was definitely a fun and relatively safe way to express myself, and of course gave me a great pick of the guys.  This is where I met my husband.

I never saw him coming, both literally and figuratively.  He walked up behind me and asked me to dance. I told him no. He didn't take no for an answer. I had been single a little less then a year, I was having fun and did not want another relathionship at the time. I was planning on leaving town in 6 weeks. I wasn't getting involved.  We married 8 months later. I was just 21 years old.

I held him off for one week and then he got what he wanted, me. Two significant things happened in the early years. The first just three months into our relationship. I knew I would tell him my secret, I couldn't even consider being in a relationship with someone and them not knowing. That didn't mean it would be easy though. I had just met my husbands family a couple weeks prior. His whole, very large family. He took me to christmas at his grandmothers, his family was my gift. They are wonderful, close and loving and almost all males. Yep, I walked into a roomful of 3 generations of alpha males, scary. I love them all, they are great men in very honest, simple ways. Like balm for a broken spirit. My husband knew I was not close with my family, I had not seen them for the holidays. Just a few weeks later my mother showed up on my doorstep early one Sunday morning. We were still half asleep when we answered the door, she stood on my doorstep and screamed at me. She thought even after all these years she could tell me what to do, I stayed calm, told her to get off my property or I would call the police. I closed the door and turned around to see a look on my husbands face I never wanted to see.

Because of who his family was he didn't understand what could be so bad to make me treat my mother that way. I had to tell him my secret then wether I was ready or not. I told what I needed to tell. He asked all the questions he needed to ask and I answered them all honestly. A look of pure rage was on his face, his hands were curled into tight fists. I was devastated. He punched a couple things, not me, but I didn't know what to do, I sat there quietly crying. Once the initial rage passed and he realized he was scaring me, he made it clear it was not me he was upset with. No, its wasn't me, he wanted to kill my father.  It actually took me quite awhile to talk him out of it. It was only when I was able to get him to understand that I would lose him if he did it that he stopped. He really was going to kill him.

I stopped seeing my family altogether after that. Shortly after we married the next significant thing happened. We fought passionately, we loved more passionately. There was a connection I had with him from the beginning that I had never had with anyone. Not even with highschool boy. No matter how bad the fight or what we went through, sex was always our connection. Along with that connection came something I had never experienced or expected. I started having flashbacks.

We would be in the middle of being intimate and BAM, a memory and I would freak out. I would become instantly hysterical and fight with everything I had to get away or get him off me.  If I could get away from him I would run to the farthest corner from him and curl into a ball sobbing and babbling incoherently. He learned quickly not to let me get away from him. It was an intense time that I am not ready to talk about. I don't know if I ever will other then to say, he always helped me. I don't know how he knew what to do, but he always did. We were never able to pinpoint any definite triggers or any kind of pattern. But, I see now that we both suppressed some things. The flashbacks did fade and I haven't had one in over 20 years. 

I never became close with my parents again, until 11 years ago. I was working at the local trauma center, my father had a stroke and was brought by ambulance to where I worked. By this time I had worked in healthcare quite awhile, my family deferred to me to make all the decisions. I made the decision to put him on life support when he lapsed into a coma. My youngest brother was in the Navy, we had to go through the red cross to get him home, I did my best to keep my father alive until my brother got there. My mother didn't want him left alone so she and my brothers were there during the day. I was there every night. 3 days after his stroke we were out of treatment options, I made the decision to take him off life support. I also made the decision to donate his organs. I was with him when he died. I made all the funeral arrangements. I became my mother's primary caretaker, she is disabled.

Since my father's death my mother has told me that he never believed he did anything wrong. She believes he did something wrong, but she doesn't think it adversely affected me.
My mother is a bitter old woman now, I took care of her until a year and a half ago when I got caught in the middle of a fight between her and my youngest brother. She put me in a position of having to pick between the two of them, I did not pick her. That is the end of the story. Now I feel like I can start a new story.



10 comments:

  1. So much has been left unsaid and yet the unsaid is almost more powerful than what you've said. Wow, just wow!!! You really did have Someone watching over you:).

    You go, Girl! I think you're amazing!!!

    Love,
    Kitty

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  2. This also must have been so hard to write, I hope it helped you in some small way. Your husband sounds like a wonderful compassionate man. How lucky you both are to have found each other. If there is anybody out here who has been through similar, I have no doubt that they could draw strength and inspiration from this post, that that there can be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how hard it takes to get there.
    Thanks for sharing this faerie.

    Dee x

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  3. Faerie, how brave of you to share this. Thank you for doing so. I'm so glad that you had your husband by your side to help you. And I'm so sorry that you've gone through those things. I agree with Kitty, you're amazing! (((hugs)))

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  4. I know first hand that how much it helps to write. I haven't experienced anything as horrible as you have, but for me capturing things are 'paper' makes them somehow manageable.

    I keep thinking of someone out there, one of your lurkers maybe, who is dealing with something like what you have survived. Just knowing you did survive is helping someone.

    Hugs,
    PK

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  5. Again, thank you for sharing your journey with us. I hope it helped a little bit to write it all down and who knows who you may have helped by doing so. Also, you have a sweet husband who will obviously always fight for you...for both of you. It's so clear in your writing how much you love him.

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  6. Kitty, Thanks for the support, not so sure I'm amazing, but I'll take it. LOL.

    Dee, Thanks for sticking with me during these difficult posts, now on to the fun stuff.

    Grace, I wouldn't change a thing if it meant not having my husband. He is my reward for surviving.

    PK, The writing has helped me deal with this and get to a positive place. Statistics show that I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this, if I helped someone other then myself thats the frosting on the cake as they say.

    Susie, There definitely is a love story in there somewhere. Thank you for seeing that. It feels very empowering to get it out, and now I really feel like I can move on and get back to my love story.

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  7. Faerie: As several bloggers have said and you have confirmed, I am glad that writing about it has helped you cope with it and get to a positive place. Statistics do show you are not alone in going through something like this but the great thing is that you are a survivor and have found a wonderful husband to help you deal with it all.

    Thanks for sharing your story and now I will look forward to reading your love story.

    FD

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  8. Aww, thanks, I'm looking forward to writing it.

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  9. wow, what more can i say that hasnt already been said. Im in awe of you. You are such a strong amazing woman...thank you for sharing such a horrible part of you life with us. Im honoured to have read it and i hope in some small way that writing it has helped you.
    NOw, i cant wait to read your life story from then on :) - if you know what i mean :D
    love and hugs kiwi xxx

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  10. thank-you for sharing your story

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