Monday, November 7, 2011

Stuck in the vortex

I'm stuck in a vortex of negative emotions. They're swirling around me and dragging me down.

I have been dealing with something very ugly, very negative. It's something I have dealt with before, more then once. Every time I think it is going to be the last time. I think its gone and won't effect me anymore. When it surfaced again many months ago, it pissed me off. I couldn't believe that here it was again. This issue I had dealt with before and thought I had put behind me for good. I really thought it couldn't hurt me anymore. I've been dealing with all the same emotions again that surround it. The anger and rage that I have to face it again. The pain and betrayal of what occurred. The guilt that I feel because I'm not strong enough to not let this effect me. It's a ghost that stands between us, that holds me back from being the person I want to be. I've wrestled with how to deal with it. I've considered just forgetting everything and being happy with what I have. After all, what I have is great, maybe it would be better to just push it back down and ignore it. If I don't pursue my interest in spanking and D/s then this issue will eventually go away. I tried, I stepped back many times, stopped lurking, stopped reading and learning. But I'm a greedy bitch, as good as things are I want more. I don't want this to limit me anymore. So I started this blog, knowing that eventually it would come out and hoped it would help me to finally get past it for good. I've been gathering my strength to write about it, to face the issue and put it to rest.  I'm afraid it will completely break me and I won't be able to recover. I feel like a dam waiting to burst and when it does all the ugliness will spew forth and I won't be able to stop it.  I have been doing a relatively good job of keeping it under control and not letting it effect our relationship. Until Saturday night. I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I was riding the high from Friday night. I felt like I had a breakthrough Friday night. In the euphoria of my accomplishment I mistakenly thought, maybe I don't need to write about it, maybe I can work it out by myself.  Wrong. Saturday night my husband said something, something that if I had had my guard up would never have hurt me. But, I didn't have my guard up and in a flash there it was, right in my face. I've been stuck in the vortex of emotions ever since. It definitely effected the rest of our weekend.   When I'm upset I don't lash out, I get quiet, very quiet. We barely spoke to each other yesterday. I did explain when asked that I was hurt by what he said. He apologized, but I could tell by the look on his face he doesn't understand. I haven't told him that this issue has come back. I think he probably suspects it. I catch him watching me sometimes, just watching me. He probably wonders, but he doesn't ask.  He doesn't ask, cause if that's not it, he doesn't want to be the one to bring it up and cause me pain. I haven't told him because it makes me feel like a burden to him. Like I'm flawed and he deserves someone better. I always think I can protect him from this when in reality I'm not strong enough to protect anyone. So here I sit, stuck in the vortex, swirling down, down, down. The ugliness is welling up, I can't control it anymore. The dam is going to burst, and its going to be ugly.

9 comments:

  1. whatever it is I am sure the both of you can work through it, love helps in that area a lot. Hugs.

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  2. Sometimes dragging things out into the light can help us work through them. Even if it is an unpleasant experience.

    Good luck.

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  3. I think I could have written your post Faerie. ((hugs)) to you. <3
    I don't have much advice, only maybe offering comfort that I feel like I'm in the same vortex too, maybe some different issues, but maybe not. You are not alone here.

    I truly believe "H" deserves someone better than messed up me. I hate the thought. I also hate feeling like maybe I'm a freak and the weirdo and I just can't fess things up (feelings) to "H" without worry that he will see me in a bad light. I have only recently become aware that I may need or want a Dom/sub relationship with "H". I just have too much fear to tell him.

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  4. Oh faerie, I'm not sure what the issue is but I'm sure you're not alone in feeling this way at times. I hope you can work through it together.

    Dee x

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  5. Faerie,
    Everyone deals with emotions differently. Remember no one knows who you are here. No one. You can say anything, tell anything that you want to get out. It can be like draining a wound. You can use the blog to help you get rid of all the ugliness by dumping it here. Some may have some good advice for you, other may let you know that they have experienced the same thing and survived, and still other will just be here and mentally hold your hand as you go through it. All I can tell you is that this is the most supportive place I've found.

    Hugs,
    PK

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  6. Faerie,
    I don't know what 'it' is, but don't hold onto it yourself. Go tell him and deal with the hard emotions together. I hope that as you continue to blog it will help you...but for now, go to him. You are not a burden and that is the last thing our men want us to feel.

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  7. Faerie,

    (((Hugs!))) Like everyone else has said, I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

    Hope it gets better soon!
    Love,
    Kitty

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  8. since facing it does not make it go away and ignoring it does not work perhaps you should embrace it. Accept it as part of you, learn to understand it, see it coming and how it manifests it's self. Then accept it as part of you and move forward with it not past it. When the time is right it will go.

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