Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Aftermath

About the time that I started the dreadful therapy my mother came to me and told me, "it would never happen again", meaning my father would never touch me again. She also said that if I ever told anyone my father would be put in jail and I would end up in juvie. Nice way to place the blame for what happened squarely on me. My father never said a word to me about any of it.  From that day on I had one goal, to survive and get out of that house. 

My father did try to touch me again, once. About a year later I was standing looking out the front door of our home. He came up behind me and put his hand between my legs. I didn't even take the time to think, I just reacted. I came around swinging, he moved and I didn't connect. I don't remember what I said, I just remember the rage, my whole focus had narrowed in an instant to just the two of us. In that moment I would have killed him without a qualm. Whatever I said was effective because he never tried again after that.

A few months later I started high school, on the surface I looked like the typical high school kid. School had always been rather easy so good grades weren't a problem. I participated in many school activities and I started working just a few weeks into my freshman year. I spent most weekends sleeping at girlfriends houses and didn't have a steady boyfriend until my senior year.

No one bothered to look past the surface, no one ever saw the double life I was leading. I worked because I knew I would need money to achieve the goal I had set for myself to get out. I participated in activities because those along with working kept me away from home. The real reason I slept at friends houses was because it was a good cover story to tell my parents.

You see I had been left with an awareness. An awareness of the power of my body. It was clear to me that men wanted my body. That made me feel powerful and confident. I could use my body to get whatever I wanted or to do whatever I wanted. I realized I could use my body to control men. And I did. By the age of 14 I was regularly hanging out in bars, playing with the men I met. I would tease them, tell them I had a specialty, would they like to know what it was?  Sometimes I would tell them and then walk away. Sometimes I didn't walk away, sometimes we went somewhere and I showed them my specialty. This fed into the feelings of power I felt, I was the one in control and it felt good.
I never played with the boys at school this way, there was more then one whom I dated casually and tried to get me to give it up. I never did, until my senior year when I met a guy who just wouldn't take no for answer.

10 comments:

  1. faerie,

    I am so glad you're sharing your story...the pain you were experiencing leaps off the page and it makes me feel so sad for the young girl that you once were. Once again, I'm so thankful that you have a wonderful husband that truly loves you:)!

    Love,
    Kitty

    P.S. I'm not sure if you're religious or not...don't mean to offend if you're not, but I'm praying for you:)!

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  2. faerie, I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had a childhood like this. I think you are very strong and very brave to tell your story and if getting it all out here is helping you in some small way....... Then that can only be a good thing. You have the support of your husband and that is a wonderful thing to have.

    Dee x

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  3. All I can see here is an amazingly strong woman. I can't imagine how you got from where you were then to who you are now. I think you are quite a woman.

    Hugs,
    PK

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  4. Kitty, you didn't offend, I appreciate the prayers.

    Dee, It has been helpful, but very painful and incredibly difficult. Thanks for the support.

    PK and Sunny, I believe you have identified one of the problems, that is that I no longer feel very strong, but I'm working on it. Thanks for the support.

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  5. Sweetie, you will get there. You have to develop an inner strength to cope with that sort of childhood, an inner sanctum for your mind and soul to disappear to in troubling times...and in times of great trial, that strength will rise up and help you through. It may be that you don't seem to have the strength now, because you have your husband to lean on? I don't know, am merely guessing.
    Bless you, and I too am praying for you. xxxxxxx

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  6. I was wondering where your father is now... if he ever was reported or put on a sex offenders register? Excuse me for asking, I don't want to upset you; but I am worrying that he may have found another inappropriate outlet for his sexual needs... Predators who are willing to sacrifice their own daughters have no conscience at all.... I really hope he is somewhere that he cannot get at any other young girls. xxxxxxxx

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  7. Daisy, Daisy, Daisy - you are very insightful,getting it out is helping me deal in a whole new way. As for my father, that part of the story is coming, I just needed to take a little break as the feelings can be overwhelming. Let me set your mind at ease though. I am certain that my father never had the oppurtunity to hurt another child. As you might imagine I am very sensitive to anyone hurting a child in any way. I really appreciate your support and insight. Telling this story has been very cathartic, but much harder then I had anticipated.

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  8. I'm with PK :)
    love and hugs kiwi xxx

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  9. I agree with PK...and so glad you and your husband found each other

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