The spider and the fly.

I'm so agitated, I feel the energy building and I'm going to explode.

I don't know what happened, the day started off so nicely. Morning sex, yay. You know the kind. You're both awake, almost. You look at the clock and realize you actually have a few minutes before you have to get the day started. Its quick, its familiar, its lazy, its comforting. A stolen few moments to connect. A reminder of why you get out of bed and do the things required of you during the day.

OK, doing fine so far. Get the day started, nice convo with my son while driving him to school.  We've had a rough couple years with him, things are getting better now.

Things still good, start cleaning cause that's what I do, especially if I want to avoid something else.

 I'm avoiding looking for a job. I seriously get heart palpitations just thinking about working again. This is not something I ever had a problem with. I have built a career that has been very rewarding. I work in health care. I always knew I would.  I was good at it too.  If you have a medical emergency or issue I'm a good person to have around. I can handle just about anything. I've seen alot.

Here's the problem as I can identify so far. Several years ago I was working at a trauma center in our city, its one of the biggest employers in our city. I had worked there for many years. I started feeling burned out. There were other things I wanted to do, but didn't know how. We talked alot about it, he fully supported me going back to school to learn whatever I wanted. I got the info and got everything setup to start school. There were power shifts at the hospital, my job was a casualty. I started school as scheduled, I found another job within a few months. It was a small family owned company. I was one of only 12 employees, more males then females. It was a unique experience. I actually liked all the people I worked with, but I hated what I did. It sucked the last little bit of my soul right out of me. I couldn't keep up with all my obligations and did not finish school. It contributed to my crash and burn moment.

I can't just remove my emotions from it and find a job, as much as I would like too. As with most places, the economy here sucks. My choices are limited. My husband would have no problem with me staying home if we could afford it. I've been out of work for 16 months, the only reason we aren't totally desperate is because of him.  He's being so patient and so supportive. He's waiting for me to get my shit together and make some decisions. Because this goes so much deeper than just a job, it goes all the way to the core of who I am. This isn't a decision he can make, he knows this. Only I can figure out what will truly make me happy, once I do then he can help me get it. He will, he always does, no matter how wacky he thinks it is. As long as its not detrimental to me or our family he's fine with me being a bit wacky. If pressed he might admit he enjoys it. Just look for that little grin and the slight shake of his head. Then watch his eyes as he looks at me, see that twinkle. I want to see that more often. That's why I can't give up. That's why I have to face the ugly stuff I know is coming.
I'm just not strong enough yet. But I'm getting close.

Feeling better now, more positive. Like I've unraveled another knot in the string that is choking me. Life feels like a spider web right now. And I'm the fly.