Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Secret

The following post deals with a very difficult subject for me. It will be raw and unedited as that is the only way I can do it.  I am writing this for myself only with the only consideration for anyone who chooses to read it being my regret that I am spewing so much negative energy into the world. But I simply can't keep it in anymore.


I have a secret. It's a secret I have carried my whole life. It is not a secret I kept by choice, as a child it was forced upon me. As an adult I tried to stop letting it be a secret, but I soon found out that it was just too painful for most people to hear. So it remained a secret. This isn't the first time I have dealt with it. I've lived my life for long periods of time without it intruding.  I haven't dealt with it alone, I haven't kept this a secret from my husband.  I would not have survived or had the wonderful life I have had without him. I have long considered him my reward for surviving. He made me strong enough to stop being a victim and become a survivor. This is my secret.

I am an incest survivor.
My father raped me, he used me, repeatedly for years.
My biological father taught me how to sexually service him.
I still feel the disgust of my childhood memories.

My first memory is of my mother, pregnant with my brother. My father told me that while she was in the hospital having my brother I would be sleeping with him in their bed. I knew what would be expected of me. The things I would have to let him do and the things I would have to do to him. I didn't want to do it, but I wasn't given a choice. My brother is 3 1/2 years younger then me. He doesn't know my secret.

My next memory, I'm sitting in a rocking chair in our living room, I'm about 7 or  8yrs old. I was sitting quietly reading a book. I read everything I could get my  hands on. My mother was having tea with a friend in the kitchen. The lady was a neighborhood mother with kids my siblings and I played with regularly. She often came over for tea with mom. I doubt they knew I could hear them from where I sat reading. My mother was mad at my father about something, I heard to her say to her friend that she was cutting my father off from sex. I so distinctly still hear her words, "He can go stick it in a coke bottle for all I care". All I could think of was no, it wasn't going to be a coke bottle. I knew things would be getting worse for me. I started to cry, but I knew if my mother heard me crying she would come and ask me about it. I couldn't tell her. I was afraid that when I couldn't tell her she would get mad and take my book away. She knew that would be worse for me then the belt. That didn't really work anymore. So she had started taking my books away. So, I stopped crying. I didn't cry again for a very long time.

I know that my father must have said something to me at some point to get me not to say anything. I always knew it was wrong. I never wanted to do those things. But every time I would think about telling I get over whelmed with dread. I still do.  It pisses me off that I can't remember what he said that made me know I couldn't tell anyone. I have tried to rationalize that it really doesn't matter anymore. But I still get pissed about it.

I was 10 yrs old when I started my menstrual cycle. It didn't stop him. I had read enough to worry about getting pregnant. Which I did, until it stopped about a year later.

It's common where I live to have showers in the basements, the homes are old, many still have the original claw foot tubs in the bathrooms. That's what we had in our home, a big heavy claw foot tub, so my parents put in a shower in the basement. The basement wasn't finished, the washer and dryer were just a few feet from the shower curtain. I was 11 1/2 yrs old. I was sitting in the living room reading. My mother was doing something and asked me to get the laundry from the dryer. My father was down there taking a shower. I didn't want to go down there, I knew if I did he would get me.  I tried to tell her I would get it as soon as dad was done in the shower. But she insisted. She threatened to use the belt. Getting beat with the belt was nothing new I had been beat with it many times throughout my life by both of them. Welts from my knees to my mid back were not uncommon. Actually, they hardly did that anymore, it just didn't work. I would take whatever they gave and never let out a peep. But, I just got tired of arguing and went to get the laundry. I wasn't down in the basement long enough to even begin to get the laundry. He heard me open the basement door and come down the stairs. He was waiting with the shower still going and the shower curtain open. A few minutes later when I didn't come back up my mother came down to see what was going on. My father didn't hear her coming down.  I was on my knees, in front of him, his hand was on my head I got pushed away and told to go to my room.  And that's it. that's all I remember about that. Except, I do feel like she set me up.

A few weeks after that I started going to therapy, it was awful. I had to get out of school early, but I couldn't tell any of my school friends where I was going or why. I had to take the bus downtown by myself once a week. It was fall into winter time. It is cold and dark and snowy where I live at those times of the year. The whole experience of getting there was so terrifying and I could tell the therapist was just guiding me to say certain things so she could say I was ok. So I figured out what to say as soon as I could so I wouldn't have to do it anymore.

I wish I could say that was the end, oh how I wish that was the end. In a way it is the end, but it is also a beginning, there is more I need to say. I have to follow it to the end. The end is where I'm at now. I want this to be the end and the beginning. Be well my friends, I'm sorry if this caused any pain.

28 comments:

  1. I am with you, listening. Let it out. You can say it safely here.

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  2. Never apologize for writing what you need to get out. This is your blog and we choose to read and follow your story because it is your story. The good and the bad.

    Sometimes letting things out is the only way to begin letting go.

    Wishing you the very best.

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  3. I totally echo the above comments. Sometimes letting it out to strangers can help even if only a tiny wee bit.
    Thinking about you.

    Dee x

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  4. Yes you are free to share here. those things should never happen to a child and we will support you through listening/reading.

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  5. All I can say is I am sorry you suffered such horrific abuse as a child. And I hope it helps to share your story. I know all your blogging friends wish you the best.

    What happened to you should never happen to a child.

    FD

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  6. I am sorry for your suffering and your pain...none of it was/is your fault. Share here, it is a safe place. hugs....abby

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  7. Oh Faerie! I am so sorry that has been locked inside of you. What a hard secret to have and keep. Please let out what you can on your blog. I think you can feel safe enough and feel among friends here too. I dump many problems on to the internet and sometimes I feel much better from it. ((hugs))

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  8. I'm so happy you survived and so sad/angry that you had to to deal with such evil. I'm glad you have found a safe place with your husband and here with us. Blogging doesn't fix things, it cant' make the bad go away but it is a safe place to go and be exactly who you are - happy, sad, angry, depressed, joyful, you'll feel it all here and you have friends to go through all the emotions with you.

    Many hugs,
    PK

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  9. I'm so sorry to hear what you have suffered. There are no words that do justice. As everyone else has said, this is a safe place to talk out anything. You're among friends.

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  10. faerie,

    I know others have already said it, but I'll say it, too! None of what happened was your fault!!! You were an innocent little girl and dealing with the situation the best way you knew how.

    It doesn't take away the pain, but I am very sorry about what happened. I wish that I could erase the bad memories and put happy memories in their place. (((Hugs!)))

    Love,
    Kitty

    P.S. I'm so glad you have a loving husband!!!

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  11. Thank you everyone for your kind comments. If you get to know me at all, you will realize I'm all about the energy. I believe in the energy of the universe and my place in it. I'm not comfortable with releasing this much negativity into the world. I don't like to cause pain to anyone. But I simply couldn't keep it in anymore, and I was unwilling to push it down and ignore the things I want. This is the first step of me taking the power back. I could not have done that without all the support and love you have given me. I simply don't have the words to express how grateful I am. So I will just say THANK YOU.

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  12. Bless your heart! I hope blogging about this has been at least a little cathartic. Don't really know what to say, but that puts some things in perspective about secrets. Makes me want to give you a hug.

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  13. Hell, girl! I am so so sorry there was no-one anywhere in your life you could trust to go to and get it stopped. What a sick person you had as a father...
    Darlin, share what you need to here, its safe, and you are among friends.
    ALl I can say is, he wrecked your past, but has no power to wreck your future. Don't let him. He shaped your childhood, you can shape your adult life.
    Bless you, and your lovely husband. I will be praying for continued healing for you. xxxxxxxxxx

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  14. SS, secrets can be very painful things. Thanks for the hug.

    Daisy, Thank you for the prayers, I can use all the help I can get.

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  15. I don't believe you did release so much negative energy into the world, quite the opposite in fact. You and your energy are what the world needs and that is what the world gets, now a little lighter and a little brighter than before, Luck us.

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  16. Faerie first of all im so sorry for your pain and suffering and that you had to go through al of that i wish there was some way i could take it away for you.
    This is a good place a safe place to share whatever you need to so please dont ever apologise for doing that. We are here to listen and help as much as we can
    love and hugs kiwi xxxx

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  17. I want to thank you for sharing this horrible, horrible secret, for letting it out.

    I am so sorry that this happened to you.

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  18. We, the founding members of the "I survived my Mother" club, hereby make you an honorary member. This membership comes with a prescription for xanax, a case of vodka, and years of therapy...Congratulations.

    Communal support is a wonderful thing.

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  19. Obviously reading this long after it was written, it must have been hard to write. I like the word survivor that you used, a very fitting word for what you went through.

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    1. Thank you for the nice thoughts Ponyboy. It was hard to write, but not as hard as living with the secret.

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  20. Hi, faerie. I've seen you comment around the blogs since I started reading in November last year, and started reading your blog yesterday. Just wanted to weigh in with some positive energy, and tell you that by you putting your story out here, you have helped open the door for others to do the same. That is huge good karma. So often, people don't know what to do or say to help a survivor, or even a child still in the midst of this nightmare. It doesn't help much to be told others have experienced your pain, but tangible real-life accounts let survivors (and sufferers) truly know they are not alone - major positive energy you unleashed here with your experiences.

    Non-judgmental support, peaceful encouragement, steadfast friendship, genuine interest in your welfare without curiosity for curiosity's sake alone...that's what I see here for you. It's nice you have a good clan. :-) Peace and blessings.

    Irishey

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    1. Thank you Irishey for the wonderfully supportive comment. This community of people have been a godsend to me as I work out some very difficult issues in my life.

      I have to say I really don't care for the fact that this post is my overall most popular one. It continues to get 3x the hits of anything else I have written. I never stopped to think about it the way you explained. Thank you for giving me your view, it has changed the way I will look at it from now on. Be well, visit again anytime :)

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  21. Nothing more to say than *hugs*, and you gave me courage to do something that I have been chewing on for a while.

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  22. When writing this post I never considered the fact that it might help someone. It was a difficult story to tell as I'm sure you can imagine, but it helped me so much to tell it.

    I'm glad it gave you the courage you needed. If the "something" is what I think it might be, let me just say this: You are not alone!!

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  23. Huggsss faerie. i cried for you. know that you are loved by many people. It's not a secret anymore. You're not a victim anymore. You have survived and by surviving you won!

    Huuugggssssssss,

    lily

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  24. I'm sorry I made you cry, but you are right, I won. So dry your eyes and share a smile with me :D

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  25. I'm sorry to bring back the memories for you, but I just came across your post by synchronicity (not coincidence), and needed to share.
    When I was a young teenager, I was sexually abused by my grandfather. It only happened once, but the hurt, shame, self-hatred, guilt, and anger stayed with me for a long time. I understand what a betrayal it is for a family member to do something like that to a child, and how deeply it can scar someone. I've come to understand that what happened wasn't my fault, and I've gotten past the guilt, shame, and self-hatred. I'm still working on the anger, and I think one day the hurt will truly leave.

    Airing your emotions might release some negative energy into the universe, but that will allow the universe to purify and positively charge that energy, and return it to you. Keeping the negative energy within yourself does more harm than letting it go to be renewed.
    We may not know one another, but I want you to know that I love you & your courage in sharing your story. May you find peace & happiness everywhere you look.

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  26. Hello Mandy, I don't believe in coincidences :) You are welcome to share here :)

    I'm so sorry you experienced that and I understand everything you are saying. I can offer you this from my own experiences, it's like peeling away the layers of an onion. Each layer brings it's own tears, but once disposed of, thay can't hurt you anymore. As the layers fall away, they reveal more and more beauty, joy and love. My hope for both of us, is that we find some day find that center.

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