He finally admitted

Yep. He finally admitted that he doesn't know how to deal with, "this me."

He admitted that he's used to me being the strong one. He admitted that despite the fact that I've been saying for years, that I'm not that strong anymore, he didn't want to believe it.  I feel like I let him down.

I want to be that strong, reality is, I'm just not.  He admitted he doesn't know how to handle that. He shared some hard truuths. All valid concerns. I know it was hard for him, and I respect that immensely.

I wish I had a good answer for him.  But this is the first time in decades I've felt weak and I honestly don't have an answer for him.

Honestly, what I really need is for him to step up.  I need for him to be strong, take  charge, give me a break that lasts beyond subspace.

I need to know someone has my back. That would be a novelty for me, and something I wouldn't have appreciated not so long ago.  I  had my own back and didn't need anyone else.

Now?  Now I crave it. I think he's willing, but neither of us know what that looks like. That kinda sucks.

I forgot

I'll be answering comments soon, I appreciate them all, but life just seems to get in the way sometimes

So, I had a not so great moment. I totally forgot to check in with my emotions. I didn't check the negative thoughts.  I spiraled into the abyss, and he walked through the door and caught the brunt of my wrath.

I let something that would normally not bother me, jump on my last nerve. It was ugly and if we were a dd couple I'd definitely deserve a punishment. But we aren't that kind of couple. I sometimes wish we were, but I know that's never gonna happen.

Instead I raged and cried and accused. All the things I said I wasn't gonna do. I'm so ashamed of myself. What came out needed to be said. That I'm not ashamed of, how I said it? That I'm ashamed of.

He handled it so much better than I expected.  He listened, and actually heard me. He calmed my fears, while also expressing his own doubts.

I respect and understand that.

Just some ramblings

Oh what a long, stressful, physically painful week it was. 4 doctor appointments in 2 days and paperwork coming out my ears. Getting older is definitely not for the weak. I've got a long way to go for resolution of all this, but I'm a step closer.

The great thing about it all is that Musicman has been more supportive than I thought he would or could be. I'm not totally sure what changed, but I've been working hard to make changes to myself and my reactions to things.

I've been working hard to be cognizant of how my physical pain influences my emotions and how my emotions drive my moods.

I'm trying hard to be aware of the negative thoughts that so easily creep in and cause me to spiral into the abyss and stop them before that happens. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to meditate again. I practiced yoga for years and the meditation portion of it was always very difficult for me. My mind just runs on so many tracks at once that quieting it is near to impossible, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to be more proactive about how I express myself and my frustrations to Musicman. For instance, he went with me to an appointment where I was going to be getting a steroid shot in my shoulder.  They only help minimally but better than nothing. Something happened at that appointment that upset me. He stepped up and not only did he calm and reassure me, but he spoke up to the medical staff and made sure I got what I needed.  I made sure to thank him and tell him how much I needed and appreciated it.

And, I finally asked for something I hate to ask for and haven't been sure I really wanted.

I was very frustrated one day after having to deal with some of the insurance companies and doctors. Instead of internalizing my frustrations and spiraling to a dark place, I texted Musicman. I honestly didn't think he'd hear it and would probably not find it for hours. 

Surprise, he did hear it, and responded positively. I had just said that I hoped he was having a better afternoon than I was, that I  was frustrated and could really use a good beating and fucked till I didn't remember my own name.

And later that evening, that's exactly what happened. It was kinda glorious and definitely relieved my stress.

I'm trying and though I continue to be frustrated with the paperwork, doctors and pain, I'm hopeful that Musicman and I might finally be turning towards each other again.

The state of our union

During the 5 weeks I was away Musicman and I texted every day. I  really enjoyed that, he almost seemed like a different man.  He seemed like the man I loved, married and chose to submit to. It gave me hope that we would be able to get things back on track.

Now that I'm home he texts me every day on his lunch break. I find that sweet and look forward to those texts.

I think anyone on the outside looking in would see a loving, happy, middle age couple content with their life. I'd even go so far as to say that's exactly how Musicman feels most of the time.

He goes to work.  I  spend my days dealing with no less than 4 different insurance companies and as many doctors wading through paperwork and jumping through hoops trying to get the care I need. Well, it's more like a tuck and roll cause I don't jump.  Either way, it's all very frustrating.

Musicman comes home to a mostly clean home, some things I just can't physically do, and a decent meal.  I do my best to give him time to relax and recoup after long days at work. He needs it and deserves that.

We continue to be intimate a few times a week, though not much kink going on.  I  admit that I miss it, but I don't ask for it. I'm just not sure I'm ready for that with him again

One of the glaring problems that no one would see is the lack of  support from Musicman. He's either incapable or unwilling to provide that. If he finds me in tears of frustration with my current situation, he literally says nothing and walks away.  All I really need in those moments is a hug and encouraging words. I've voiced that to him and he gives me a blank look and walks away.

I'm a very independent, take charge and get it done, kind of person. Being physically incapable of doing the things that I want or need to do is also frustrating. Though difficult for me to ask for help, I do.  Musicman usually has some lame excuse as to why he can't or won't help.

I truly do not understand why he's acting this way. If I try to open a dialog about it, no matter how calm and non-judgmental I am, he doesn't take it well. He most often gets instantly angry and verbally attacks me. He turns around everything I say and accuses me of trying to make him feel bad.  That is never my intention and I'm often stymied at how he is able to make any and every situation about him.

I'm literally stuck right now while I work my way through the nightmare maze that is our health care system.  I've been informed that could be another 3-6 months. Until then I don't need to make any decisions about where I go moving forward.  I hope that time and hard work on my part allows me to make the right decision.

Where do I go

So  many great insights and thought provoking questions.

There was a time when being submissive to Musicman was good for me. He took care of me. Looked out for me. Helped me heal.

I know that's why I'm struggling so much now.

I no longer feel that way.

How , despite the major difference in how we each see our future, do we make it work?

I still love him. I  don't want to hurt him. I took my vows very seriously, but..

But I'm not happy. And  he isn't inclined to make the changes that will make me happy.

Where do I go from here?

Lost in my submission

With the onset of my injury and the new diagnosis that is complicating my healing, I can no longer work.

I live in an area of the country that is exceptionally cold and snowy.  If it's not the grocery store or a Dr appt, I don't go out.

I spend a lot of time alone, living in my head.  It's a scary place in there.

I also don't sleep well. I never have...here comes the but...but, pain of the not so good kind, makes it even more of a challenge.

It gives me too much time to think. That's never a good thing.

I've spent so much time thinking about how I chose to submit.  I don't remember the day, but I remember the moment.  Like it were yesterday, instead of 30+ decades ago.

Given the circumstances of the last handful of years, I wonder if I've lost myself in the cloak of my submission.

I think about all the compromises I've made to please him.  The adjustments I've made, to please him.  The things I've sacrificed, to please him.

I'm not so sure that submission to him is such a good thing for me.

So many questions and decisions to be made, yet stuck in limbo for the moment.  Which just gives me more time to think.  Ugh.

Firsts

Growing up we all experience firsts. First crush, first dance, first kiss, first love, first heart break. I've experienced all those things.

I had gotten to a point in my life where firsts seemed to be few and far between.  How wrong I was.

I had come home from a first vacation without Musicman. It was wonderful, relaxing and therapeutic. I  worked hard to put the past behind me and begin aknew.

Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

Our son, who was still living with us, has rage issues. Often aimed at me.

I'll say it was ugly. I'll say it's the first time I ever let someone call me a "dumb fucking cunt"  walk away unharmed.  He owes that to Musicman.

I left. Another first for me.  I walked right the fuck out of there. Musicman was blowing up my phone. I didn't answer. Another first for me.

I went to M's.  She helped me calm down and eventually I went back home.  Musicman and I talked. The boy child/man, moved out.

But... my life seems to be filled with buts lately... everything I felt I had accomplished towards healing and moving forward was undone.

T and I are in constant contact. She needed and wanted my help.  So I did something else for the first time .  I left Musicman.

Yes, you read that right. I left him. I never thought that I would actually walk away from my husband and marriage, but there's a first time for everything.

I went to my brother and T.  I stayed 5 weeks.  I only came home because I had a  doctor appointment. I  have a lot of those lately.

I'm currently dealing with several major health issues and trying to keep my marriage from crumbling.

I sometimes doubt my strength.

Breaking an ironclad rule

Sometimes the need to write, to express myself, my inner most thoughts, is so powerfully overwhelming. My head whirls with thoughts that yearn to see daylight. Thoughts that want to be examined, untangled and understood.  I'm so grateful to have this place to do that, but that big, white, blank page is always intimidating. Very strange, but  apropos I suppose, since I'm somewhat strange myself  😆.

I had an opportunity this past summer to get away for a while.  I'd just gotten out of the damnable sling I'd spent the past 2 1/2 months in. My shoulder wasn't healed, but stable. The doctor felt I needed a little more time to heal before starting therapy, so not much to do but wait. Yeah, I'm not so good at that.

When the opportunity to get away for a while presented itself I was totally on board. I  felt it would be good for me to get away from everything, leave the stress behind and focus on myself for once. I also thought it might be a bit of an eye opener for Musicman. A chance for him to see what I was dealing with on a daily basis at home. 

Our daughter and her family had finally moved out the previous fall, but our son was still with us. I  really wanted to see how Musicman dealt with everything without having me around as a buffer.

I knew it was going to be difficult, if not impossible to convince Musicman.  We've had a few ironclad rules from the very beginning of our relationship. Rules I readily agreed to at the time and until recently had no problems obeying. One of those rules is that I ALWAYS sleep in Musicman's bed.  This is a non-negotiable rule. It's a rule that's never been broken, except in extenuating circumstances.

Needless to say, it was a tough sell. The only reason Musicman reluctantly agreed and allowed me to go was because I was going to stay with my brother and his wife.

I've always been close with my brother.  Not surprising he's a lot like Musicman in most, though not all respects. My sister-in-law, T,  is the sister of my heart. We'd be happiest if we lived next door to each other instead of 600 miles apart.

I had 3 glorious weeks of fun and sun and no responsibilities.  T and I spent many nights sitting on the porch, listening to music and talking well into the wee hours of the morning. Dancing in the rain together at 5am after spending the whole night talking and singing along to all our favorite songs was balm to my soul.

I worked through a lot of the things I needed to during those porch nights with T.  Lazy mornings over coffee and weekend jaunts to fun places was exactly what I needed.

Musicman and I texted every day and I truly felt we were making positive progress. Moving forward through the pain of the past. As much as I didn't want to leave, I did feel as if I  was coming home with a fresh view of things. A chance to leave behind me all the negative, embrace the positive and move forward together.

Yeah, about that...

Trust

Trust is not something that comes easily for me. Growing up in a home rife with abuse will do that to a person.  I built walls so high and so thick no one was getting through.

I learned very young not to count on anyone but myself.  I didn't wait or look for anyone to come and save me. I saved myself. I spent 5 years alone, doing what I needed to do to survive and thrive.

Then Musicman burst into my life. He was a game changer. He didn't take no for an answer when he wanted something, and he wanted me.

It definitely took a while, but together we broke through the walls.  I learned to trust, I learned what being part of a large, loving family was like.  I felt like that was a true gift that Musicman gave me.

We've been together over 3 decades.  I had gotten to a place that felt safe and secure. I trusted him.  I can honestly say he's the only person in my life I have ever really truly trusted.

But, (there's always a but, isn't there),  in the last few years he's lied to me, hidden things from me, and in general broke my trust. So much so, that last summer I removed my collar. 

I miss it. I  miss what it represented to me. Trust.

Let me be clear,  he did NOT cheat.  He's never raised a hand to me in anger. 

He says the things he hid and lied about were minor, though he could give me no good reasons for this behavior, that I " should just get over it". 

Yeah, I'm working on that. A story for another day.

PAIN

Pain is something we've all encountered in our lives .

Pain can come in many ways and forms. It can be mental, emotional pain. Pain that stops us in our tracks, brings us to our knees and changes who we are to our very core.  Loss of a loved one, an end of a relationship, broken trust and betrayal, just to name a few.

In my experience, you don't get over that kind of pain. You can work your way through it, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I've heard people going through this kind of pain say, they just want things to go back to normal.

I believe that's a naive way of looking at it. I've learned from experience that things never go back to normal. No, in order to move through that kind of pain you must adjust to a new normal. That in itself can be extremely painful, but I know no other way to move through that kind of pain.

Physical pain is obviously something I, as a confused, but curious masochist, have a few thoughts on.  But that's for another day.

"M"

While life has been a bit of a challenge the last few years, it's not been all gloom and doom.

When I accepted the full time position at work I was fully aware that I would be transferring to a totally different program. It was a program in transition. They added 4 full time staff, myself being one of them. 

One of the best benefits was a double desk.
Yep, I had to share a desk. That's how I met M.
She's 13 years younger than me and about as big around as one of my legs.

I'm  5' 10". She's  5' 2". Beautiful red head and I almost fell off my chair when she said I had beautiful blonde hair. My hair is grey. A little bit of silver and white mixed in.

We clicked immediately. We talked openly about everything. Including sex.  She is divorced from an abusive man and  has 3 teenagers. One is autistic and one has a  serious health issue.

We have similar backgrounds, toxic mom's and abusive alcoholic dad's. Prior to her marriage she had  been in a D/s relationship.

She asked my advice about online dating. I've  been  married longer than the Internet existed. I  couldn't help her in that circumstance. But I did help her with something.

She wanted to replace her sex toys. Now that's a subject I know something about. She took me to my first brick and mortar sex shop.

Wednesday's are ladies day. We went every Wednesday. We became friends with the owner. A lovely , friendly lady who hooked us up.

Musicman is fanatical about checking the bank statement online.  Makes it rather hard to surprise him. But, like Pavlov's dogs, he'd  see the bank transactions and look for the nondescript grey bag. That was a fun summer.

Where the winds blew me

So, I  said  I  never meant  to  be  gone 3 years. Many things have occurred in those  years. It's hard to even know where to begin.

Life just seemed to blow me away. And I let it. It was just easier that way. My life  was in turmoil.

I  had a household full of adult children and grandchildren and animals that weren't mine.

I  wasn't  at all happy.  Musicman  and I  were at constant odds. I  felt like a prisoner in my own home. I  so wish I  could say he supported me, but truth is, he didn't.

While I understood why  he made the decisions he made, I  didn't necessarily agree with him. In all honesty, I  felt betrayed.

Despite everything I had overcome and survived, and  as much as I thought I was thriving, I  wasn't.

I  was so busy taking care of everyone else, I forgot to take care of myself.  I let people walk all over me, use me and abuse me. Something I said I would never allow again. And yet I did.

Against my better instincts and gut feelings, when a full time position became available in a different program with my employer, I  took  it.

Not because it was best  for  me, but because it was best for my family. That's  what mom's do right?

I  was more than qualified, even  did very well at the  job. But the atmosphere started  to  make me quite ill, quite often.

That was difficult in itself.  But I also had to deal with sexual  harassment from  my boss. Reporting him got me no where. Old boys clubs still exist.

Wish I could say Musicman supported me, but not really. He was just  happy I was making money and helping support  our adult  children. I  call it enabling, but  whatever, I  knew I  was  never gonna win that one.

I  took  a  proactive  approach with my health.  I  was seeing my doctor, making  lifestyle changes that would  make  things better.

Yeah, that totally backfired on me.  A med I  was prescribed caused me to black out and have  a  seizure. I  ended up being diagnosed with a  separated  shoulder that 8 months later still isn't healed, and may never fully heal. I  also have been  diagnosed with severe arthritis and  stenosis  in my  spine  and  throughout  my  body .

I'm  no longer  able  to  work.  It sucks. For so many  reasons .

That's  enough  for  now .  Probably  wasn't  what  you  were  expecting ,  neither  was I .

I Never Meant . ..

I  never  meant  to  leave blogging .  I certainly  never  meant  to  abandon  my blog for  3 years.  Life just got in the way.  I'm sure  some of you can relate.

Since life is fluid, I've had many changes in my life in the 3 years I've been away. Some I'm sure I'll share, and some I probably won't.

The most significant change is that I will have  the time to write again. And that is a blessing beyond words. And may actually help me hang on to what little sanity I have left.

Over the next few days or weeks I'll be doing a much needed update on the look of  the place. It could use a bit of a remodel, don'tcha think.

In the meantime let me just say Hi, and I'm back.