Monday, April 7, 2014

I Should Have

I should have used our safe word, except we don't have one. I've never felt we needed one. I've always trusted him to stop if I say stop, which I don't ever remember doing. I certainly could have this time, I wanted to, I should have, but I didn't.

I knew when we embarked on this lifestyle, at my request, that we were opening doors one or the other of us might not necessarily want to go through. Here's the thing though, I really thought it would be me opening doors he didn't want to go through. I didn't stop to think that he would want to take us in a totally different direction. A direction I am not comfortable going. Stupid of me, I know, but there you have it.

He's taken us down this path before and it's always been an uncomfortable experience for me. We've talked about that many times. He has assured me over and over again, that this is just a fantasy and that is enough for him. He tells me it is not something he wishes to act on, but he still enjoys the fantasy. Ok, that should make me feel better, I thought it did, but evidently that was not the case.

I've realized there are a couple reasons I didn't speak up when I started feeling uncomfortable. One is the fact that I didn't realize how deeply this would effect me. In the moment, it was just a bit of a turn off for me. Afterwards is when it began to grow and fester. It hit a nerve, a nerve that allowed insecurities and inadequacies to bubble up to the surface. I took things too personally, I'm not sure how a person is not supposed to take it personally, but I did and I let myself be emotionally hurt.

Typically, I'm not good at letting people see me hurt, so I hide behind anger. I knew that I had no reason to be angry at him, cause I should have spoken up. I should have told him how I was feeling. I should have handled the whole situation differently.

The other reason I didn't speak up and say no is because I want to please him. I want him to feel free to explore and share his fantasies, wants and needs with me. He does that for me, I should be able to provide the same courtesy for him. I don't want my own insecurities to place limits on us.

I realize that I have a lot of work to do in this area, I'm just not sure how.


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13 comments:

  1. oh dear (((HUGS)))

    would it help if he made it requirement for you to use your safe word and speak up when you felt like this? Then maybe you wouldn't be caught in the dilemma of whether to use it or not?

    if you can pinpoint exactly what in the fantasy is triggering you, maybe that would be useful - maybe he could avoid that exact detail, or approach it in a different way or something?

    xx

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    1. Honestly, he has never pushed me to a point of even thinking of using a safe word, so this was an unusual occurrence for us. I have pinpointed the trigger, now to find a way around it.

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  2. Crap. I have been at the cyclic emotional conundrum before. You go round and round with the but I feel, but I should have, but he does, but I do......

    So the question is, what now? How do you move on? How do you communicate with him? How do you heal and forgive yourself and him?

    Hugs-and TALK to Him!
    Fiona

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    1. Yep, that is the cycle I was stuck in, but writing really helped me clear my way through it. We did talk and things are much better.

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  3. Faerie, maybe you really should use a safeword, just in case. And whatever you two do, I guess both of you should benefit from it somehow, therefore you should maybe talk things through and even negotiate about limits. I think just talking about the limits that we all have raises a lot of awareness in our partners and ourselves.

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. I don't know that having a safe word would have changed anything. I could have said no or stop and I didn't so I doubt I would have used a safe word either. We have talked about limits before and most likely will again. For now, this particular topic is off the table, though I will be working on finding a way to bring it back, because I know he wants it and I want to be able to give it to him.

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  4. Awww Faerie...doesn't sound like you are in a very good place right now. I have been in that place where I didn't realize how a specific action was going to trigger something from my past. I don't know about your Musicman, but I do know my Matthew would have been very upset with me if I had hidden my upset/hurt from him. In his mind, withholding was deceitful...the same as lying. I really thing you need to let Musicman know about your trigger/reaction/feelings. Sometimes it is easier to bury those feelings or hide behind anger...either way, not deal with them, but you are not doing you or Musicman any favors.

    If you haven't already, please talk to Musicman and let him know that you were triggered and what you have figured out.

    Sending lots of positive energy your way.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Yes, this thing and my reaction to it was a total surprise for me. I didn't intentionally withhold it from him( he reads every post I write anyway). I just needed to work through it and figure out what exactly the problem was. Writing helped me with that and also led to a much needed discussion. Things are much better now.

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  5. I think that you need to trust that it will be okay for you to share these feelings. If you don't the probability that it will fester and grow is most likely. MM would never wish you to with hold this.
    Good luck!

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    1. We did talk and I told him the feelings it evoked in me. I don't think he really understood my reaction, but that is okay, I'm not sure I understand it either. For the time being this thing is off the table, though if I have my way it will be a temporary thing. I really hate when my own insecurities, whether because of my past or not, limits me.

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  6. Instead of a safe word, we use the ol' red, yellow and green. I rarely ever use any of them, besides last night, I can't remember when I did use them. Last night I yelled yellow so loud I think I scared Ty. We were able to talk it through and he was upset because I hadn't trusted him. But I wasn't comfortable with where we were.
    I hope that blogging is helping you with seeing where you are and why, and what you have to do next to get out of this place you are in now.

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    1. We have talked about having a safe word, but neither of us feel one is needed. I still feel that way too. This was the first time I have ever really felt the need to put a stop to things, I could have, I just didn't. Blogging helped me tremendously to figure out what happened and why I reacted the way I did. We talked and I am much better and already thinking of ways to move past this limit. It may take me awhile but I'm confident I will figure it out.

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    2. That is great. Communication saves any relationship and I am glad that you talked. Never thought I would need a safe word either and I had never previously used it. Ty was a little offended that I felt the need to say yellow, he thought that I should have trusted him more. And I probably should have.

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