I should have used our safe word, except we don't have one. I've never felt we needed one. I've always trusted him to stop if I say stop, which I don't ever remember doing. I certainly could have this time, I wanted to, I should have, but I didn't.
I knew when we embarked on this lifestyle, at my request, that we were opening doors one or the other of us might not necessarily want to go through. Here's the thing though, I really thought it would be me opening doors he didn't want to go through. I didn't stop to think that he would want to take us in a totally different direction. A direction I am not comfortable going. Stupid of me, I know, but there you have it.
He's taken us down this path before and it's always been an uncomfortable experience for me. We've talked about that many times. He has assured me over and over again, that this is just a fantasy and that is enough for him. He tells me it is not something he wishes to act on, but he still enjoys the fantasy. Ok, that should make me feel better, I thought it did, but evidently that was not the case.
I've realized there are a couple reasons I didn't speak up when I started feeling uncomfortable. One is the fact that I didn't realize how deeply this would effect me. In the moment, it was just a bit of a turn off for me. Afterwards is when it began to grow and fester. It hit a nerve, a nerve that allowed insecurities and inadequacies to bubble up to the surface. I took things too personally, I'm not sure how a person is not supposed to take it personally, but I did and I let myself be emotionally hurt.
Typically, I'm not good at letting people see me hurt, so I hide behind anger. I knew that I had no reason to be angry at him, cause I should have spoken up. I should have told him how I was feeling. I should have handled the whole situation differently.
The other reason I didn't speak up and say no is because I want to please him. I want him to feel free to explore and share his fantasies, wants and needs with me. He does that for me, I should be able to provide the same courtesy for him. I don't want my own insecurities to place limits on us.
I realize that I have a lot of work to do in this area, I'm just not sure how.