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Saturday, April 19, 2014

I Will Pretend

I'm feeling so sad tonight, for so many reasons. Holidays often do that to me lately. Memories of so many loved ones lost. Where once there was chaos and laughter, celebrating, decorations and food galore, there is now silence, an emptiness I no not how to fill.

There are no longer, generations gathering. No more do I see, Great Grandma, cradling the latest Grandbaby. No more are the big burly men, brothers all, sons following in their footsteps, loud and jovial.

The women gathering in the kitchen, their mission, to feed their men and nurture their children. Fellowship and love abound. As each one passed, I missed it more. It was a wonderful gift that I long to hang on to.

I feel inept, unable to bring them back, unable to move forward. I have not the wisdom, nor life experience needed. I am a poor substitute for what is so very much desired.

I would hide away, lose myself within the pain. Oh, that some one would make the world go away. Alas, that is also not meant to be.

I grab desperately for the moments that are no longer destined to be. They set me into a tail spin, wishing for escape. Knowing, always knowing, this is a wish I will not realize.

Despite my attempts to fight, my attempts to quell them, the tears brim over. I reach up to frantically flick them away. Now is not the time for weakness, now, is a time for celebration, a time for family, a time for love.

I will do my best, to pretend, hoping all the while that no one see's past the veil.

Purple Sad Faerie
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25 comments:

  1. Aimless RamblingApril 19, 2014 at 8:32 PM

    Happy Easter Faerie and MM and your family. Enjoy what is, it changes so quickly,

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:44 AM

      I often tell my friends with young kids not to blink, cause kids grow up so fast and everything changes so fast. I hope you had a great holiday :)

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  2. abbyApril 19, 2014 at 9:48 PM

    As I sit here having celebrated 2 special occasions in one day with 4 generations of my family my heart breaks for you....and i am exhausted, but counting my blessings.
    hugs abby

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:46 AM

      I may not have 4 generations to celebrate with any more, but it's nice to know my friends do. Thank you for sharing as much of your family with us as you do, it always makes me smile :)

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  3. CatApril 20, 2014 at 12:24 AM

    Awww Faerie...I do understand...some of the changes just aren't very welcome are they. Sending lots of prayers and healing energy your way. Wishing you, MM and your family a lovely Easter.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:48 AM

      I strongly believe that my loved ones who have passed are still with me. That brings me comfort, but sometimes I just want more of them then the memories and the love in my heart for them.

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  4. BlondieApril 20, 2014 at 12:57 AM

    Tomorrow will be a strange and sad day for myself also. My husband and children will all be somewhere else. It will just my 16 year old daughter and myself. No Easter egg hunts, family going to church, Easter dinner - nothing. So you have 100% of my sympathy. But tomorrow is a new day, it is the beginning, the day that we celebrate our Lord. I hope that this knowledge will help you find happiness tomorrow and continue to enjoy the other holidays.
    Hope you have a lovely Easter

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:50 AM

      I hope you had a good day with your daughter, being without loved ones on holidays is so very difficult. I've been trying for several years now to get holidays without our extended family back on track. It has yet to work our the way we would wish, but we will keep trying.

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  5. River WildApril 20, 2014 at 4:17 AM

    I'm so sorry you feel this way. I have been pondering the real definition of nostalgia lately, and this is it exactly. Fond loving memories of moments that we can never experience again even though we long to. However, there will always be new opportunities to make a little magic in the present. I hear people say all the time to live like it's your last day. This is good advice, but hard to remember moment too moment. Instead I celebrate each holiday add if it were the last time I get to. I truly hope you find happiness today :-)

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:52 AM

      Nostalgic is a great way to describe how I was feeling. We've lost so many, but we hold on to what we do have and are trying to make things better. It's a work in progress.

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  6. stay at home momApril 20, 2014 at 6:35 AM

    Faerie, I am so sorry that you are sad because so many loved ones are not there. And still, those you miss so much and would love to have with you now, also loved you and they surely wanted to see you spend a good day with Musicman and your family.
    I understand how much you can get lost in the pain, and actually I can only say that I am not able to fight tears in such a moment. But I think maybe Musicman can help you. He could give you comfort now, when you need it. I am so sure he understands your loss and how much you miss your loved ones in a moment like this. I hope so much that you have a happy Easter with a lot of warmth from your family. I hope they hug you a lot to help you feel better and to show how much you mean to them.
    Happy Easter

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:54 AM

      Musicman definitely understands, the majority of the family I was speaking about are his. I was very lucky that he shared them with me, without them I would never have known what it was like to be a member of a loving family.

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  7. Florida DomApril 20, 2014 at 11:12 AM

    Wipe the tears away as you think you family and love.

    FD

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:55 AM

      I wiped the tears away, and having the grandbaby around helps to keep them away.

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  8. TerpsichoreApril 20, 2014 at 1:23 PM

    sending love and light and hugs

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:56 AM

      Thank you my friend, I hope you had a wonderful holiday with your family :)

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  9. RozApril 21, 2014 at 5:56 AM

    I'm so sorry you are feeling this way Faerie, missing loved ones is hard, but you have many wonderful memories. I hope you found happiness with your family and that you all had a lovely Easter.

    Sending love and lots of (((hugs)))

    Roz

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:57 AM

      Thanks Roz, Easter wasn't what we would have wished, but it wasn't terrible either.

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  10. StormApril 21, 2014 at 9:23 AM

    I miss these things too. It's hard sometimes, isn't it.
    Hugs*

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 9:59 AM

      Yes, it is hard sometimes. I find those are the times I really hate being an adult. Unfortunately I can't change either thing, so I will push through it.

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  11. PKApril 21, 2014 at 10:19 AM

    This stuck with me. I didn't know what to say so I kept quiet, but I had to come back. I think in your family WAY too much is put on you. Way, way too much. But this one is your responsibility - I don't think that there is an adult alive who doesn't remember Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving - some or all holidays from their childhood and know that they are not living up to tradition. That it was better when grandma did it. So now you're the grandma and you have to do it even if you don't think your efforts are enough. And in fifty years your granddaughter will feel exactly the same as you do now. Because she is going to be looking back on her memories of you. You have to do this for her.

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 10:02 AM

      These aren't childhood memories I was talking about, holidays as a child were a nightmare for me. These are memories of all the holidays spent with Musicman and his wonderful family. If it hadn't been for them, I would never have know the love of a family. I will never be able to his grandmother's shoes, she was a truly special lady, but for my own family, especially my grandbaby, I will try. I really do want to give her, as I tried to do with my own kids, wonderful memories.

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  12. AnonymousApril 21, 2014 at 10:24 AM

    Hugs to you Faerie, :) I hope that the day yesterday helped you make some more special memories for you all, and that you are feeling a little better. You are in my thoughts. :)

    <3 Katie

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    1. faerie wingsApril 22, 2014 at 10:04 AM

      Thanks Katie, it wasn't what we wanted, but often things beyond our control occur. I can say it definitely could have been worse.

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  13. AtiyaLuvApril 23, 2014 at 7:21 AM

    Goood MOrning Fae!
    I nominated you for a Liebster Award!!

    http://aluv-sincerelyyours.blogspot.com/2014/04/liebster-blog-award.html

    ((hugs))

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