Pushing limits is something that happens often in this lifestyle, at least for us. So many of my soft limits have fallen away over the years, as well as hard limits transforming into soft limits. Every time that has happened it has felt very much like a victory for me. That doesn't always mean it has been easy though.
I think this last incident has been one of the hardest ones for me to deal with. I have never ever before felt as if I should have stopped things. Clearly I should have and maybe next time I will recognize those feelings and do just that. I say next time, cause there is always a next time, if there isn't, it quickly becomes stagnation.
While it was difficult for me to process everything, I did manage to do it. Having this place to write helps me sort through things. It also gives him a bit of insight as to where I am emotionally. The next step, depending on the situation, is to have an actual conversation, usually in bed, with me burying my head in his chest.
Yep, we did that. I knew he never meant to hurt me, and he did apologize. I did my best to explain how I felt when certain things were being said. Ya see, this was not him pushing my physical limits, but my cognitive ones. I sometimes think those are harder for me. I seem to be able to handle quite a bit physically and to react in the moment more easily if he is taking things to a place I'm not comfortable with, not so when he chooses to play in my head.
For the moment he has decided to take this particular scenario off the table. I have to say, that is a relief for me. I know at some point I will want to revisit it, because he is interested in it. I am very well aware that this thing we do is not just about me. It is about us and the journey we are on together. The things he wants, while maybe not something I may be interested in, are important to me. It is important to me that he find me and what I have to offer, pleasing and satisfying.
Most likely he will wait for more feedback from me before attempting this again. I also know that at some point, I don't know when, but at some point, I will turn my thoughts to what I need to do or need from him, to be comfortable trying this again. I'm a bit exhausted by all this right now, so I can't say it will be soon, but that's okay. When I do decide to address it again, I will think long and hard about the whole situation, what may have caused it to go so wrong for me and how to handle it better next time.
I won't tell him exactly what to do, that just isn't me, though I know he does wish I would do that sometimes. No, what I will probably do is write him a story, a scenario, that depicts how I imagine it will work. I have done this before and while he doesn't follow those scenario's to a T, that isn't what I expect anyway. What I am hoping for by presenting it that way, is to give him workable examples, that he can tailor to his own needs, that are appealing to me.
So, while this situation was hard for me, things are much better now. I have learned some things, which is always important to me and I think this also reminded him of some thing's too. Namely, that I am quite capable of being a silly girl. At least that's what he said during our talk. I can't say I disagree.