Monday, April 14, 2014

Writing Through The Chaos

My life is very chaotic right now, in all areas. I have a job I love, but my schedule changes daily and even though I insist on at least one day a week off, I am always on call. I give my boss a two hour window each morning to call, she doesn't always strictly stick to that window. I can receive a call as late as 11:00 asking me to come in to work.

At home we have a house full of people that do not keep similar schedules. Musicman follows a strict first shift schedule, up before six and out of the house before 7. Most days I awaken with him and stay up, even though it is hard to get anything done knowing the phone might ring and I will need to drop what I'm doing and go to work. Also, if I'm not already scheduled for work, I'm not a great morning person. I no longer like having to get up immediately and rush around getting ready to get out of the house.

Our daughter and her little family keep a second shift schedule. Our son keeps a third shift schedule. It is not unusual for him to be just be going to bed when we are getting up in the morning and for him to be getting up when I am getting home at the end of the day.

This means that my house is never quiet. There are always lights and TVs on somewhere. Some one is cooking in the kitchen at all hours of the day or night and don't even get me started about the phone, it never seems to stop ringing. Nothing like a ringing phone at 3am or a crying baby to interrupt a good night's sleep.

I've realized that I have no routine to any of my days, other than meal planning and cooking dinner for Musicman. This has been going on for about a year and a half. All these things combined have made D/s feel very much like one step forward and three steps back. I've also often felt as if I should just quit coming here to write, after all, who wants to read about constant chaos?

I've tried several times to step away, but I keep getting drawn back. I've realized that while I have always written for myself and secondarily for Musicman, the reasons I come here have changed. Initially I wrote to make connections with other like minded people. I have done that, this is a wonderful community that does not judge and usually embraces everyone. I do appreciate that, but I also have found myself withdrawing some. Even though I still read the blogs I follow, I comment very little, essentially I have become a lurker. I do that because right now I don't feel as if I am in a good place to comment.

I find it okay for me to come here and vent, or write about some of the negative things going on in my life, but I would never feel comfortable laying that negativity at someone else's doorstep. That's why I stay quiet. I did not realize when I first started that writing would be so helpful, almost therapeutic for me, but it really is. That's why even though I think about leaving, ultimately I have never been able to, the benefits to me are too great right now.

In thinking about the whole situation it became glaringly obvious to me that I do very little, almost nothing really, for myself. Days can go by without me doing something I really enjoy doing or that benefits just me in some way. That is when I thought it might behoove me to start writing more regularly again.

I've been thinking about this for about a week now, often getting tripped up on the fact that this is supposed to be a D/s blog and I might not have all that much D/s related stuff to write about.  Then I remembered that when I first began, the blurb I had on my profile was, that this was a place for me to explore my sexuality. Whether I like it or not, whether anyone talks about it or not, all these day to day things we deal with effects our sexuality, at least for me.

So, I am going to try and make the time to write more regularly. I may lose readers, but that's okay, I already have many more readers then commenter's anyway. I may lose commenter's, that's okay too, I know how exhausting my life is, and sometimes there just isn't much for others to say anyway. I believe it is sorta like watching a train wreck in the making, people stop to rubberneck, but rarely step up to say anything. Either way, I appreciate all of you, whether you stick with me or not. I write for me and that is really the most important thing.

Fariy

20 comments:

  1. Hi Faerie, first of all, I think writing things down, to vent, to ramble, to rant and all the other things we do in our blogs are perfectly fine for each of us. Sometimes this is just the right thing to do. Maybe not every reader wants that, but then again, the decision is always in our own hand what we want to publish or not. I think writing always helps. If it is to sort things out, fine, if it is done in the style of rambling, that’s fine too. In your Faerie Realm, you are always the queen, at least online, that’s most important.
    In your offline realm, all is busy and there is often enough no time left for yourself. But your blog is for you. It’s similar here. Less busy than in your house, though. And hubby might always have me do something, but online, in my blog, I can do what I like. It is for me only, to write, to rant, to ramble, to vent and more. And I enjoy it a lot. I think that I have lost a lot of readers inbetween, and I’d like them back, because it’s more exciting when others leave feedback. But ultimately, writing is a way to sort things out and to have fun with it, too. Therapeutic? Yes, for me definitely, too.
    I think it’s great that you want to write more regularly. I try to do that again too, though I am currently a little lazy, when it comes to writing, and the weather is too good too. But whatever you decide to do in your Faery Realm, don’t forget: in your realm you rule supreme.

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. Oh how I wish I really did live in a faerie realm, I would definitely be the queen. Heeheehee. Until I started this blog I have never successfully been able to keep a journal. I would start and then very quickly lose interest. This blog has been different and I believe it is the energy of the readers and commenters that make it that way for me.

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  2. Hi Faerie,
    I think you might be surprised(or not) to learn that you are in good company with chaos and life getting in the way of d/s. I think that if anonymity were less of a concern, more of us would post about the day to day stuff. But really when you are 24/7 d/s everything seems so intertwined, at least to me. Not that it matters, but I think you are doing the right thing in writing for yourself.

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    1. I really wouldn't be surprised to know that others have chaotic times too. I think that may have actually been one reason I was so reticent to share more. I guess I didn't think people living with chaos all around them would really want to read about mine. I think I finally understand that if people don't read, it's okay too.

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  3. I think most of us, if not all, experience the ebb and flow of this lifestyle choice Sometimes things click and sometimes our families and "chaos" take priority.

    Remember...your blog ultimately is for you. Having readers is great but you should write what you need to write and for your benefit first above all else.

    Also, don't under under estimate the power of sharing the day to day stuff outside of D/s. I think it allows your readers to see to connect with you on a different, more personal level. They see that you are a real person with the same life struggles.

    Hugs

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    1. I really have always written for myself, but it can be easy to get sucked in by the community and start to feel as if I owe people something specific. I have managed to get past that though and if people find another level to connect on, that would be great too.

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  4. Well, faerie, I'm thrilled your hear. You add much to the community. This is our lives. We ALL go through seasons. None has a perfect life or relationship or family. I'm glad you've decided to stay and do something that is for you. If there is anything that I can do to be supportive, you have just to ask!

    Hugs,
    Fiona

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    1. Thanks for the lovely words Fiona. I haven't really felt like I have been contributing much lately and I think that sorta held me back from writing more also.

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  5. Our blogs are ours to do with as we wish, if they come okay, if they don't oh well.

    Hope life improves once you start doing more for you. Be good to yourself and save some of you for you.

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    1. Thanks for reminding of something I seem to have forgotten lately. My blog is for me and writing more, even if people do stop reading, will be good for me.

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  6. Life is chaos. Sometimes it has a little more order than others. Blog land is about life. DD,D/s and BDSM are just a small part of it. Hang in there. Don't forget to take care of your marriage and yourself.

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    1. Thanks DR, I don't know why I felt as if I couldn't share more than just the D/s side of my life, especially since I've always found it hard to separate that from the rest of my life.

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  7. The important thing is that you have decided to keep writing.Your friends in blogland don't mind if you are dealing with a lot of chaos and want to write about it. We care about each other and if that is what is going on in your life, this is the place to come to talk about it. We will always be there for you. Good luck and congrats for dealing with all that is going on in your life .

    FD

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    1. Thank you FD for all the support, it really means so much to me. I tend to be someone that holds myself to much higher standards than I do others, and I think maybe I have been suffering from a bit of "I don't deserve good things in my life" also. I'm taking active steps to change that.

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  8. Hey Faerie...having internet issues (again!) so if I want to comment, I really don't have time to read the other comments...apologies if I duplicate.

    First of all, you should definitely do something on a regular basis for yourself.

    Secondly, this is your blog to write whatever you want to write...if people don't like it...screw 'em. Those who are your friends and truly care about you and MM will still be here.

    Third, you might want to speak with MM about sound proofing your room a bit to help cut down on all the noise.

    Fourth, you might also want to consider planning on short/quick projects for morning so that you will feel productive even if you have to leave and go to work and won't feel as if half of your day is wasted if you don't get called in.

    These suggestions, along with $1 will get you a cheap cup of coffee. Bottom line...do what is best for you and your family. Sending lots of positive energy and thoughts your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Cat, great suggestion about planning small projects, getting motivated in the mornings has been a huge issue for me lately and that just might help. I have looked into sound proofing our room, for many reason, it just isn't feasible right now. Oh well, I will just have to deal with that. In the mean time, I do plan on writing here more, that is my first step in taking better care of myself, something I am woefully bad at.

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  9. I'm not going anywhere. Hugs :-)

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    1. Thank you my friend, you have so supportive and so encouraging :)

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  10. I keep getting a malware warning about your blog...i finally decided to ignore it since i have wondered how you were doing. I think we all primarily write for ourselves. It is nice to know that others read, and some respond, and being a part of such an accepting community is a perk, but mostly it has to be for the person doing the writing.
    hugs abby

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    1. You are the second one that had told me about this malware notice. I'm not sure why that is coming up. I have checked all my system settings, my firewall is intact, my antivirus scans every 24 hours and I even did some extra ones and have no virus. Thanks for checking in on me, it is nice to know that people read and the friends I've made through those that choose to comment are so dear to me.

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