Writing Through The Chaos

My life is very chaotic right now, in all areas. I have a job I love, but my schedule changes daily and even though I insist on at least one day a week off, I am always on call. I give my boss a two hour window each morning to call, she doesn't always strictly stick to that window. I can receive a call as late as 11:00 asking me to come in to work.

At home we have a house full of people that do not keep similar schedules. Musicman follows a strict first shift schedule, up before six and out of the house before 7. Most days I awaken with him and stay up, even though it is hard to get anything done knowing the phone might ring and I will need to drop what I'm doing and go to work. Also, if I'm not already scheduled for work, I'm not a great morning person. I no longer like having to get up immediately and rush around getting ready to get out of the house.

Our daughter and her little family keep a second shift schedule. Our son keeps a third shift schedule. It is not unusual for him to be just be going to bed when we are getting up in the morning and for him to be getting up when I am getting home at the end of the day.

This means that my house is never quiet. There are always lights and TVs on somewhere. Some one is cooking in the kitchen at all hours of the day or night and don't even get me started about the phone, it never seems to stop ringing. Nothing like a ringing phone at 3am or a crying baby to interrupt a good night's sleep.

I've realized that I have no routine to any of my days, other than meal planning and cooking dinner for Musicman. This has been going on for about a year and a half. All these things combined have made D/s feel very much like one step forward and three steps back. I've also often felt as if I should just quit coming here to write, after all, who wants to read about constant chaos?

I've tried several times to step away, but I keep getting drawn back. I've realized that while I have always written for myself and secondarily for Musicman, the reasons I come here have changed. Initially I wrote to make connections with other like minded people. I have done that, this is a wonderful community that does not judge and usually embraces everyone. I do appreciate that, but I also have found myself withdrawing some. Even though I still read the blogs I follow, I comment very little, essentially I have become a lurker. I do that because right now I don't feel as if I am in a good place to comment.

I find it okay for me to come here and vent, or write about some of the negative things going on in my life, but I would never feel comfortable laying that negativity at someone else's doorstep. That's why I stay quiet. I did not realize when I first started that writing would be so helpful, almost therapeutic for me, but it really is. That's why even though I think about leaving, ultimately I have never been able to, the benefits to me are too great right now.

In thinking about the whole situation it became glaringly obvious to me that I do very little, almost nothing really, for myself. Days can go by without me doing something I really enjoy doing or that benefits just me in some way. That is when I thought it might behoove me to start writing more regularly again.

I've been thinking about this for about a week now, often getting tripped up on the fact that this is supposed to be a D/s blog and I might not have all that much D/s related stuff to write about.  Then I remembered that when I first began, the blurb I had on my profile was, that this was a place for me to explore my sexuality. Whether I like it or not, whether anyone talks about it or not, all these day to day things we deal with effects our sexuality, at least for me.

So, I am going to try and make the time to write more regularly. I may lose readers, but that's okay, I already have many more readers then commenter's anyway. I may lose commenter's, that's okay too, I know how exhausting my life is, and sometimes there just isn't much for others to say anyway. I believe it is sorta like watching a train wreck in the making, people stop to rubberneck, but rarely step up to say anything. Either way, I appreciate all of you, whether you stick with me or not. I write for me and that is really the most important thing.