This is not going to be an easy post to write. I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I'm unsure if they will come out in any kind of cohesive manner. So, I guess I will just dive right in.
First let me say that Musicman reads every post I write. He sees this blog as a window into my mind, a way to gauge where I am at mentally and emotionally. None of the things I wrote in my last post are things he hasn't already heard me say before. That post was really just the tip of the iceberg, there is just so much I can't say here.
He is quite well aware of what the major frustration for me is being caused by. He knows what I would like to see happen to fix this issue. He doesn't agree with me, therefore it doesn't happen. That is the reality of being a 24/7 submissive wife.
He has explained and I understand exactly why he has made the decision he has. That doesn't necessarily make it any easier to live with though. And, I have been living with this issue for over a year now. That is an awful lot of frustration for any one person to have to deal with, everyone has a breaking point. I've hit mine more than once over the many months living with this issue. I don't know how many times I have written, but not published, posts very similar to my last one.
Then you can add in the issue that has had him so stressed out lately and you have the makings of a perfect storm. Except, in some ways, helping and supporting him as he worked to find an effective way to deal with that issue actually made things a bit easier for me. There were tangible things I could do to help, and I have been doing those things. We did find a way to fix the problem, but it isn't an over night fix, it takes time and patience.
During that time I practiced a lot of patience. I backed way off on expressing my needs or expecting him to be able to meet them. I understood completely why he was so remote, I didn't like it, but I understood and really tried not take it too personally. It was a very lonely time for me, he is my whole world and not having that connection with him was more painful than I can even begin to describe.
We are very close to reaping the benefits of our hard work and should have some relief for his issue very soon, within the next few weeks. That's a great thing. He has started to take small steps in coming back to me, but what I really need now is not small steps, I need him to run. I need his support to continue to deal with the issue that has me so frustrated.
We have discussed again, many, many times how to fix the problem. He agrees with me, but still has reservations. They are very legitimate reservations too. I understand it, but I don't agree with him. I feel as if I am being made to pay the consequences for someone else's bad choices. That causes a lot of resentment and ill feelings on my part, which is never helpful.
I hit my breaking point last week. Too many irritations, both at home and at work. Opportunities missed because he either he wasn't in the mood or wasn't paying attention. I hadn't slept well all week long. I found myself fighting the bad mood that comes with out of control hormones most of the week. Combine those things with something he does daily, that has the potential to really trigger my insecurities and I broke.
It was late, he was sleeping and the rage was just boiling up inside me. I knew, if I wanted to have any kind of peace, or get any sleep, I needed to get it out, so I wrote. It worked too, I was able to sleep and felt much better when I woke up. I hadn't attacked him as I have previously done, while still being able to honestly express my feelings.
I could have not posted it, like I have done previously, but I chose not to do that. I needed him to see it. I needed to be heard, I needed to know that my feelings were just as valid as his. Ultimately, I need him to realize exactly how much I need him. Hopefully, that post and maybe this one, will get him to pay a little bit more attention to what is going on around him. Hopefully, he will start to be aware of the few opportunities we do get to be alone and he will make an effort to take better advantage of them. That would go a long way in helping me deal with the continuing issue that has me so upset.
Neither one of us is perfect, we make both make mistakes, it's how we recover from them that is so important. While I may, while upset, think about running away, I will never do that. We both agreed, before we ever married, that divorce is not an option for us. We agreed, whatever comes our way, we will work through it, together, and that's exactly what we will do. It sometimes gets messy and ugly and can be very painful, but we will ultimately, get through it. Having this place to write, and the support of friends is a priceless gift to me. Thank you to all who have stopped by to give encouragement or even a swift kick in the pants, cause sometimes I need that too.