I need to write. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Yet, what I really want to say is not fit for print. I'm pissed. I'm tired of putting my life on hold. I want to shout, "this is not what I signed up for."
I struggle with the notion that this is not where I am meant to be. I have lived for the last 28 years as a submissive wife. Oh no, I'm not talking about the kinky sex kind of submissive. I'm talking about the day to day, he makes the decisions and I live by them kind of life. The kinky sex was just a side benefit, when he chose to take advantage of it.
That kind of life can be extremely fulfilling, and, it can totally suck, big time. I believed, in the beginning, that he knew best, that he could, and would, give me the life I dreamed of. He did that, for awhile.
Then time passed, other things became more important to him than me. I tried, I tried very hard to make things better. I offered him things I previously could never have imagined offering anyone. He didn't appreciate it.
He works hard, he thinks he is fulfilling my needs. Yet, he hasn't really listened, he doesn't really understand my needs. If you don't understand what is required, how can you possibly meet those expectations?
It's not that I haven't communicated to him. I have, in every way I know how. I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't pay attention, cause what I need, isn't what he wants to provide. He seems to think that is okay.
At one time, in our past, it might have been okay. But, now? Now, it's no longer okay. I acutely feel the passing of time. I no longer want to put off fulfilling my own needs for everyone else's. I'm so done taking care of and providing for, everyone else's happiness. This is supposed to be my time. I've worked hard, I've earned this, I deserve to be put first.
Yet, he seems incapable of providing that for me. He would much rather spend his time elsewhere, with people other than me. I don't actually blame him for that, I'm not necessarily an easy woman to live with, I get that.
There was a time, when I thought I was worth all the hard work, because I gave back more than what I received. I no longer feel that way. Now, now I feel like I am the only one giving, and there are so many people taking.
I have told him, over and over, I am not that strong, I have nothing left to give. Either he doesn't hear me, or he does what he thinks he needs to do to placate me for the moment. I'm so tired of being the person that needs placating. I want so much more from my life than just existing from moment to moment.
I know, this isn't what I want for my life, yet, after all these years, how do I move on?