Saturday, March 29, 2014

How?

I need to write. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Yet, what I really want to say is not fit for print. I'm pissed. I'm tired of putting my life on hold. I want to shout, "this is not what I signed up for."

I struggle with the notion that this is not where I am meant to be. I have lived for the last 28 years as a submissive wife. Oh no, I'm not talking about the kinky sex kind of submissive. I'm talking about the day to day, he makes the decisions and I live by them kind of life. The kinky sex was just a side benefit, when he chose to take advantage of it.

That kind of life can be extremely fulfilling, and, it can totally suck, big time. I believed, in the beginning, that he knew best, that he could, and would, give me the life I dreamed of. He did that, for awhile.

Then time passed, other things became more important to him than me. I tried, I tried very hard to make things better. I offered him things I previously could never have imagined offering anyone. He didn't appreciate it.

He works hard, he thinks he is fulfilling my needs. Yet, he hasn't really listened, he doesn't really understand my needs. If you don't understand what is required, how can you possibly meet those expectations?

It's not that I haven't communicated to him. I have, in every way I know how. I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't pay attention, cause what I need, isn't what he wants to provide. He seems to think that is okay.

At one time, in our past, it might have been okay. But, now? Now, it's no longer okay. I acutely feel the passing of time. I no longer want to put off fulfilling my own needs for everyone else's. I'm so done taking care of and providing for, everyone else's happiness. This is supposed to be my time. I've worked hard, I've earned this, I deserve to be put first.

Yet, he seems incapable of providing that for me. He would much rather spend his time elsewhere, with people other than me. I don't actually blame him for that, I'm not necessarily an easy woman to live with, I get that.

There was a time, when I thought I was worth all the hard work, because I gave back more than what I received. I no longer feel that way. Now, now I feel like I am the only one giving, and there are so many people taking.

I have told him, over and over, I am not that strong, I have nothing left to give. Either he doesn't hear me, or he does what he thinks he needs to do to placate me for the moment. I'm so tired of being the person that needs placating. I want so much more from my life than just existing from moment to moment.

I know, this isn't what I want for my life, yet, after all these years, how do I move on?

26 comments:

  1. Faerie,
    There is so much giving as a submissive wife...we need the Yin AND Yang. Balance. I don't know how to tell you how you move on from here. I do, however, feel that to let it out of you is a good start no matter what direction you go in.

    Submitting alone is just so damn lonely! I'm sorry this is such a crappy time for you right now.

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    1. Thanks Pearl necklace. Having this place to come to, to express my feelings, has really helped me. Life has felt much like a train wreck lately. We are working on making things better, but it continues to be rough going.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear that you are angry and hurt. Unfortunately I have no wise words for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are heard. Writing is a very good start to figuring out what you need to do. Sending loving vibes your way,
    River

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    1. Thanks River Wild, writing did help me let go of some of the pain and anger. This is a long term issue that I have been dealing with for a long time. I try so hard to suppress the anger, but that can only happen for so long before I blow up. Having this place to express those feelings prevented me from blowing up at him, cause that is not what I wanted to do.

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  3. oh sweetie I'm so sorry you are in pain and i feel the frustration and hurt. I suppose writing might help you manage your thoughts and articulate your needs in the best way you know how.

    i wish you better days to come and a solution to show itself. *hugs and love*

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    1. Thanks Fondles, writing does help me, it allows me to let go of the anger and resentment that builds up around having to constantly deal with this issue. Now, if I could just find a solution that we can both live with, that is the challenge.

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  4. I'm so sorry you are hurt Faerie and I hope writing it down has helped in processing an articulating your thoughts, feelings and needs. Sending positive thoughts you way.


    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thank you Roz, it was extremely helpful.

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. DR, I wish you hadn't removed your comment. It was an important thing for me to hear and think about.

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  6. Faerie, I am so sorry to hear that you are so disappointed, angry and hurt at the moment. You have the feeling that you give and many around just take, your MM among them. And this happens while you feel you need to get back more than you actually do. I really feel for you because everything is out of balance, and, sorry to say it that way, such a time really sucks. I think writing is a good way to start sorting things out. According to what you wrote, you have a clear idea, and although you have communicated with MM, I think I’d do it all over again. Maybe not really helpful advice. I am so sorry for what you go through at the moment and I hope that you somehow find a way through this together.

    Nina

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    1. Thanks Nina, I do have a very clear idea of what I would like to see happen. Unfortunately, as with most issues, it's very complicated and Musicman can't bring himself to do what I think should be done. He has valid reasons for that and I respect that, it just doesn't make it any easier for me. Hopefully soon I will be able to find a bit more balance.

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  7. I'm so sorry to read this and I do know how it feels. I try to keep in mind that possibly the reason my husband sometime behaves in this way is that he has it in his mind that I can be trusted to stay on track on my own and don't need his constant input in order to manage. Unfortunately, this doesn't always work, because there are times when I *do* need his input and, as you say, that is the kind of relationship I signed up for.

    Although it's obviously for you to judge whether to show it to him, I do agree that writing down exactly what you feel and explaining your sense of loss and why it is there could be beneficial to his understanding and to the relationship in general. I have found through bitter personal experience that, if this kind of situation is allowed to drag on unchecked, it can sometimes either result in some kind of desperate wake up detrimental act from the sub/TIH, or a row during which emotional things are said in the heat of the moment and, even if they were not meant that way, can come out as sounding accusatory or final. Much better to organise and put down your thoughts in writing so that nothing is forgotten and wording can be made more palatable than if you blurt out something you can't retract on the spur of the moment.

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    1. Thank you for the very insightful comment. I wrote that post in an effort to not explode and unload on Musicman. I have done that in the past, it never helps anything. Did he need a wakeup call? Yes, I think he did and this was the only way I knew to do it without causing even more pain for both of us. He reads all my posts, so he did see it and does have a better understanding of how I am coping, or not coping, whatever the case may be.

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  8. I really really wish I had something helpful or wise to say and I'm sorry I don't. Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way.

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    1. It's okay if you have nothing helpful or wise to say, I just appreciate being heard and the hugs always help.

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  9. :( (((hugs))) so sorry you are hurting. Been seeing your frustration build up for a while...

    two questions that might be useful to ask yourself -

    would he be open to you perusing other partners/friends/acquaintances to meet needs he can't/won't? (don't just mean sexual)

    Would be alone be worse than staying where you are?


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    1. Yes, the frustration has been building for quite some time. I have been living and dealing with this issue for almost a year and a half now. It needs to end and the sooner the better in my opinion. Unfortunately, we can't find a way to resolve the issue that is agreeable to both of us. So, in the mean time, I practice patience and tell myself this is one whopper of a way to test my submission.

      As for your questions: no Musicman would not be open to me getting my needs met by someone else. He has told me more than once, I belong to him and he doesn't share. That really is the way I want it too. I have been completely alone before, so I know I can do it, but I don't want to. I love my husband more than should be humanly possible and while I could live without him, I don't want to. We will continue to work on finding a solution to this issue that we can both live with. It may take longer than I would like, but we will figure it out, together.

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  10. I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs

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    1. Thank you Angel Blue, it really does help to know someone is listening.

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  11. I am so sorry for you. I know....from experience how you are feeling. How can you make your life better....and what is one small step you can take to get there. Easy...no, the hardest thing ever...do you deserve it....YES!
    hugs abby

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    1. I am trying to find that small step that will make things better. I know, despite how I sometimes feel, that stepping away from Musicman is not the answer. I do wish he would change the way he views the situation and put into place what I think will go a long way to fixing the issue. For a variety of reasons, he just isn't there yet.

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  12. I am sorry you are in so much pain Faerie. I was in a similar place a with my ex but he was not just ignoring my needs as MM seems to be so it was not the same. I wish I had some wise words for you but I don't. I know that you deserve the best and only you can decide what that is. Are you willing to possibly live without any man? Are you willing to live without MM?

    Sending lots of prayers and positive energy.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. I am more than willing to live without a man. I've never been the type of woman that needs a man to be happy. Am I willing to live without Musicman? Absolutely not. He is so much more than the love of my life, I can't even find a word that comes close to describing what he means to me. We will continue to search for a solution we can both live with. Until then, I just need him to recognize how deeply this affecting me and understand that there is something he can do to make things better in the mean time.

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  13. Faerie,
    I hope writing the words has helped you to sort through some of these deep feelings. I hope that you find the path, whatever that may be, to find your happiness in the now. I hope you know your own self worth. I hope you find the strength to discover the answers and take the next step, whatever it is. I hope you find the balance you seek. I hope. Sending you friendship and hugs, Terps

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    1. Thank you for the hope, I need that right now. Writing the words did help to let go of the anger and resentment that has been building up. I have found an answer to the problem, unfortunately, it is not one that Musicman can live with. I understand that and I respect it, but it does very little in helping deal with the day to day frustrations that result.

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