Friday, January 4, 2013

Implement of Change

As with most people in this lifestyle, we have accrued a few implements. Not many, but a few. One of the implements I hear many talk about is the belt. I've been pretty open about the fact that I have no interest in it. It carries lots of bad memories for me and I feel no need to change that.

I don't get a rush when I hear Musicman take his belt off. Even reading others talk about it sometimes squicks me out. Not using a belt is not a problem for Musicman, he understands me better then I understand myself most of the time. An interesting phenomenon has been occurring that is starting to change that view. It has happened quite organically too.

Musicman works at a job where he gets quite dirty. It's his habit to change clothes as soon as he gets home. If he's had an especially strenuous day he will change before he even lets me kiss him hello. He says he doesn't want to get the grime on me. Honestly, I don't care if he does, but he insists, so I wait for him to change clothes.

The lounge we often play on is in the corner of our room, next to his dresser. He empties his pockets onto the dresser and always removes his belt and lays it on the lounge. Can ya guess where this is going? Yep, sometimes during playtime, when I'm bent over that lounge, I spot it. Such an innocent thing, just laying there, no harm in that whatsoever.

The first few times it happened I felt a moment of panic and snapped my eyes tightly shut. Inevitably though, they would open again. There it was, still laying there, causing no harm to anyone. After awhile, I got to a point where it didn't bother me anymore when I my eyes landed on it. It's just an innocuous piece of leather afterall.

Then something changed. The last few times we played on the lounge, it was still there, it hadn't changed at all. What did change was how I felt about it. I wanted it, wanted him to use it. All of a sudden, I wasn't afraid of it anymore. At least, in that moment I wasn't afraid.

I haven't mentioned this to Musicman, yet. I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for it. I thought a lot about what it is that frightens me so much about it. What triggers those bad memories and ways to eliminate them. I realized that the sound of the buckle terrifies me, so does the sound of leather hitting leather when the belt is doubled back on itself. I don't want to hear those things. Just thinking about them now, as I type this, makes me feel a little sick.

But, I see a way to overcome the fear, to put the bad memories to rest. I see a way to broaden my horizons and experience the feel of leather. I do love the leather paddle we have, I thought maybe that would be enough. But, now that I see a way to conquer the fear and vanquish the demons, I couldn't let it go.

I took a belt of Musicman's that he never uses, he doesn't like the buckle. Good thing since I removed the buckle. I also measured it and cut it down so it could be used easily without doubling it over. I tucked it away, intending to give it to him on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. Unfortunately, we've had no privacy to play, so it remains tucked away.

The more time passes and we are unable to use it, the more I want to bring it out and give it a try. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this could be the answer. This could vanquish those demons that still haunt me when I least suspect it. This is the next step forward for me in living my life out from under the shadow of abuse. It's a step I'm ready to take.

31 comments:

  1. Yea faerie! You continue to impress me with how positive you are and your ability to take a horrid experience and work your way through and find ways to explore your life sexually and kinky! You are a rock star!!!

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    1. I have always been determined not to let the past rule my life. If I did that, they still have power over me, they win. I won't let that happen, I have spent many years taking back that power, I win :D

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  2. Good for you! I still haven't gotten past my fear of the belt. Working on it though.

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    1. I remember your post about trying the belt. I thought it was very brave of you to even try, still do :) I honestly never thought I would want to try, but as I said, it happened kinda by accident.

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  3. You are great! I think your love of Musicman is strong enough to conquer many fears. Please let me know what you think of it after you guys try it. You know I really enjoy the belt I hope you someday love it too.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. He definitely has had a lot to do with with me finding the strength to face these things. Stay tuned, I'll let you know soon how it went :)

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  4. Good for you.....what a brave way to start the new year..conquering a fear. I love the belt..altho it can be ouchie!
    hugs abby

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    1. It was not intentional on my part, but when the opportunity arose, I couldn't help but grab it.

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  5. good on you! every one has their own "thing" that squicks them (mine is enema's)...i love the kiss of the belt, (which is why he doesn't use it that often...!)...to each their own.

    Hoping you get time for some play and fear-conquering!

    nilla

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    1. Hi nilla, eww enema's, don't think that will ever be in my repetoire either. So many people seem to love the belt, but I never really thought to try and get past the awful memories. I just figured I could live just fine without it. This happened quite by accident, or maybe, devine intervention, but whatever it was, I'm going for it.

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  6. Good for you Faerie, conquering your demons.

    I'm one of those that love the sound of a belt whishing out of the loops, even watching him taking it off and putting it on gives me that familiar tickle. Tried it a couple of time but he says he can't get enough control. Your creative ability gave me an idea. I'll let you know how it turns out. Thanks.

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    1. Oh, can't wait to hear how it turns out for you. Maybe some day I will get to the point of feeling that familiar tickle when he takes his belt off. I never thought I would get this far, so it now seems possible.

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  7. ((Faerie)): It really is about growing in trust and within our dynamics that old fears or limits become a thing of the past...it always works smoother when we go slow and have supportive loving arms to fall back into *hugs*

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    1. Very well said Bleuame, I could not have gotten this far without trusting him implicitely.

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  8. See I think by creatively altering the belt, you made it different already. You are the one who controlled, and pushed away those negative images and experiences away.
    You guys know I am still on the novice learning curve so I just keep reading and watching.

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    1. After realizing that my feelings were changing, I had to find a way to at least try it. I'm so glad I did :D

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  9. This sounds so good and exactly as what you need, Faerie. I hope you'll be able to try this out soon. Let us know how it works out for you.

    Hugs, Julia

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    1. Hi Julia, welcome home :D I think you're right, it is exactly what I need. I'll let ya know soon how it went.

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    2. It's the other Julia that's home again, I never left. Are we confusing you as we already did Ana? LOL

      Hugs, Julia

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    3. Ummm...yes, and I'll claim it as senior moment, lol :)

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  10. It fascinates me to hear you tell the story of your healing process. Thank you so much for sharing it. i'm delighted that you've found yourself another step to take.

    hugs,

    aisha

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    1. I can't really talk about exploring my sexuality without talking about the past abuse. Whether I like it or not (I don't) it's a part of my story. I think the fact that I accept that goes a long way to helping me heal.

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  11. Good for you, faerie! It's great to hear about progress in overcoming old trauma like this. I believe that's a benefit to BDSM that doesn't get discussed enough.

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    1. BDSM and abuse are both taboo subjects in the "real world". Much like BDSM, no one in my real life, other then Musicman, knows about my past. People who have experienced it don't want to re-experience it by talking about it, and people who haven't experienced it, don't want to hear it. I don't necessarily enjoy talking about ym past either, but I accepted a long time ago that it is a part of who I am. That acceptance has gone a long way in helping face my demons.

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  12. Hey :)
    I honestly think that what better way to get over a fear, than experience it with the one person you love and trust. I think this is another step forward for you faerie, just the fact that the fear has lessened slightly.
    We do not use the belt. For different reasons than your own, I've never been all that much interested either. But, I occasionally 'wonder' about it but I'm not sure Mitch would be keen on using the belt as an implement.
    I've been looking at the tawse/strap lately............ help lol!!! That curiosity thing is starting to rear its head again!!

    Dee x

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    1. Heeheeheee...watch out...curiosity killed the cat yanno!!!

      I was so surprised when I started wanting him to use the belt. I really NEVER thought that would happen. I also worried a bit about how Musicman would react. I have realized though, that in many cases, when it comes to choosing implements, he takes his cues from me and how I react :)

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  13. Reading this put into words my feelings for a cane. I don't even like reading posts where canes are mentioned. Davey has promised never to use one on me, yet somewhere deep down, I know I could trust him with one... but if he did, would it remind me... so again I shy away. Maybe one day, when we are together for always, I will revisit this terror and do as you are thinking of doing... hope it works out well for you. xxx

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    1. I don't easily accept the fear that comes from my past. I feel like if I can't conquer it, they win. I'm determined NOT to let them win. Having said that, I never gave overcoming my fear of the belt much thought. It didn't limit me in anyway, nor did it feel like I was missing anything. Then that changed, and I am so glad it did.

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  14. Wow...faerie....this post really touched me. I have my own issues with belts, which I have fully discussed with BD, and truly believed that a belt would never be something that I would be able to look at in a good way. I have been thinking a lot about that myself, lately, and this post really strikes home for me. Hmm...we will see.

    I also want to say how proud I am of you right at this very moment! Allowing yourself to consider something new and terrifying, facing your absolutely RATIONAL fear, even going so far as to create something for good out of something you see as so evil....that is an amazing feat and it takes a hell of a woman to accomplish all of that! I am proud of you, and proud to be your friend!

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