Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. Am I the easiest woman in the world when it comes to sex?  I've wondered these things about myself off and on over the years. I've had, or overheard a few conversations recently that make me wonder again.

The women at work were recently talking about the holidays and their husbands. Many of them have husbands who travel during the week, several others have husbands that work the night shift. The conversation they had was them bitching about the fact that their husbands had taken vacation time over the holidays, so they were home. I personally would have thought that would make them happy.

Seems I was wrong about that. They complained about having them under foot. They complained about their husbands wanting their attention, and god forbid, they had to have sex with them. They all voiced the fact that they liked it much better when their husbands were out of town as long as they left their credit cards behind. Hmmm...that doesn't sound right to me.

I did my best to avoid this conversation, cause I really didn't want to contend with the funny looks I knew I would get. I'm not one to agree with something just to fit in, so usually when these conversations happen I head for the hills. One girl put me on the spot by saying, "the secret to a long happy marriage is to to have your husband out of town for 5 days every week". She then looked directly at me and asked if I agreed. Of course, I didn't. I told her that may work for her, but that it wouldn't work for me. The whole group of women got very quiet and sorta just stared at me. End of conversation.

I remembered this conversation last night when my sister called me to get an update on our brother. My sister is a year older then me, we are nothing alike and have never been close. During the conversation she repeated to me something our mother had said to her that precipitated her saying, "sometimes you have to have sex with your husband when you don't want too. You do what you have to, to survive." Ummm...what?

These conversations make me seriously wonder if there is something wrong with me. I don't ever have sex to survive. I would never be happy if Musicman had to travel during the week, I don't care how many credit cards he left me. I don't have sex with my husband when I don't want too. I pretty much always want too. There are the rare occasions when I am tired and stressed and have a hard time getting my head into the game, but I still want too. Thank goodness Musicman always seems to know how to help me get my head in the game, so it usually works out very well.

I've found myself saying more then once in situations like the ones above, that I'm like a man when it comes to sex. If I'm breathing, I want it. Is it possible I'm the only woman in the world that thinks this way, or am I just associating with the wrong women? I like to think it's the latter.

It makes me laugh to think of their reactions if the really knew me and what my sex life consisted of. They would be way beyond appalled, they'd be horrified.


54 comments:

  1. ooh just caught this post before logging off for the evening!

    I work with a lot of women and have female friends, often our 'other halfs' come into conversations, im aware because of my relationship that i dont often agree with a lot of their views but im also aware they would probably be horrified with the relationship i do have!

    I have been married and i was once one of these women, i wasnt happy, not that im suggesting these women arnt, sometimes its just about letting off steam and looking for female support/rapport.

    I get pissed off with the bossman at times the difference is i cant have a little 'rant' with co-workers or friends because im sure they would look at me like i was clearly bonkers because my complaints would be totally different to theirs ie. "the bastard wouldnt give me a beating last night" lol

    When it comes to sex its not high up on my list of priorities to be honest, i enjoy it yes but sometimes truthfully i would rather much be left to read my book lol

    x






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    1. I've worked my whole career with mostly women and conversations like these are the norm. I guess I just don't understand why so many people are so willing to complain, but not willing to change things.

      My best friend is quite happily married and she hasn't had sex in 3 years. It works for them and that I can respect, even if I don't understand it.

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    2. yep i think thats a good point, if they are constantly complaining..do something about it, i agree...i left my hubby lol

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  2. Faerie,
    I still hope that this kind of husband-bashing is just about giving yourself an attitude in a way that women think that they are expected to do.
    As a man I can honestly say that I have never witnessed a similar kind of wife-bashing.

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    1. These conversations rarely take place in front of men, so maybe thats why you never witnessed it. Or maybe the women in your part of the world have a different attitude about sex. Personally, I would have even less respect for these women if they are saying these things just to fit in with the crowd.

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  3. Sounds like alot of unhappy woman to me. Instead of trying to make their relationships work, they like to complain.

    I am like you- and Master says I have the sex drive an an 18 year old boy !!

    I wouldn't have it any other way.

    ~faithful

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    1. Yeah, I understand the need to vent occasionally, though I never do that at work. It just really irritates me that they complain but don't do anything to change the situation.

      Good to know I'm not the only women with the sex drive of a male, lol :)

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  4. There is nothing wrong with you. It is sad to hear couples talk about how they never have sex or just do not enjoy it anymore.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. It is sad, especially when I hear it from young couples. Makes me wonder what their future without that connection is gonna be like.

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  5. Of course there's nothing wrong with you!! I do however think you are in the minority. And it's sad. I too, have been in a relationship before where I would have agreed with these woman. I was desperately unhappy. I wonder how happy these woman are, and how far their 'banter' goes towards hiding this fact? Just think yourself as one of the lucky ones :)

    Dee x

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    1. I do think of myself as one of the lucky ones. I'm glad you got out of the situation that made you so unhappy. If these women spent as much energy on their relationships as they do complaining about them, they would be happier.

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  6. I would never, ever bash my husband in this way in public - or private. But to be honest I don't mind when he's away for the occasionally weekend. I also love being alone, I always have. I would LOVE to have your feelings about sex. I never liked sex at all until I came out and that was after 23 years of marriage. Nick is wonderful, always has been and I've always wanted to want sex but wanting it was nonexistent until about 7 years ago. Now I can get into it and we have some wonderful, wonderful times, but there are many other time I feel like Tori.

    I think you should feel very lucky.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. If I knew how I got this way, I would surely share it with you :) You may have waited 23 years to do something about the situation, but you DID do something, that is to be commended.

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  7. There isn't anything wrong with you! (If there is...then you're in good company :) I have a very high sex drive as well.

    I hate being put in the uncomfortable situations of man-bashing. We have our issues, but I don't want others to think badly of My Love. Sadly, this isn't the norm.

    If you look at the statistics of marriages that fail...who wants normal anyway!

    P

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    1. I've never been "normal" nor have I ever wanted to be. I just find it so tiring to hear these conversations so often, and when they happen at work I can't get away, ugh.

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  8. There's nothing wrong with you. You are one of the lucky women with a good sex drive. It's unfortunate that these other women aren't more like you. They are missing some of the great joys of life. Ignore them and keep enjoying what you have.

    FD

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    1. I do my best to ignore them, but it's hard sometimes. It is also hard to keep my mouth shut and not tell them what they are missing. They already think I'm odd, I don't need to give them anymore reason to think that either.

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  9. Sweety, there is nothing wrong with you. To be the lone female voice wanting more sex from your husband, not less, and being made to feel like a freak because of it, is not pleasant. I found myself sitting silent in similar conversations all through my 20's and 30s. Society in general doesn't know how to categorize a woman with a high libido. But you are not alone, we are out here. ;)

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    1. I'm so glad you are out there, it gets lonely being the only one I know that enjoys sex. I get so tired of hearing these conversations and it gets harder and harder to keep my mouth shut or avoid them all together.

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  10. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with your husband. i too work with a large group of women and there have been occasions when some of them have complained about having sex with their husbands. When I hear this I think to myself I never want to be like that.I would hate it if Mr. D worked out of town regularly, I enjoy being with him and would miss him too much. When I hear this kind of talk I feel sorry for these people because they sound so unhappy to me.

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    1. I never want to be like that either. I've encountered these kinds of conversations frequently throughout my career, this group of women seem to be particularly bad though. No wonder I don't share anything about my life with them.

      There is one women who actually has told me to shut up when I've said nice things about my husband. It's happened more then once too.

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  11. Nothing wrong with you - maybe nothing wrong with them.

    Having been in a marriage that was sexually abusive, i know that i didn't want sex a lot of the time, but when i recaptured my libido, he usually did some fairly mean things that hurt me enough to push me back away. i don't think i ever bashed him like that, that's not really my style, and i loved him and didn't just want his credit card. i wanted him to be someone he wasn't though, and he didn't want who i was and - yeah. i understand how they feel. i struggled not to be miserable, and i wasn't, but it was a full-time job.

    But there's nothing wrong with you.

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    1. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that kind of treatment. I just have a hard time with people who complain about things but do nothing to change the situation. I have been reduced to never mentioning my husband or home life because they have criticized me when I have. It's like they are miserable and want everyone else to be miserable too.

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  12. Oh... this is ME TOO!! I feel like the odd "man" out because my answer is always yes... to The Man..... I cant think of a time when it was no.... well maybe after having my vag stitched up when Wee Beast tore into this world without warning at 9lbs 9oz...... but even when my body betrays me, my head and heart are always begging for more of him... more touching, time and attention.... like the whore he wants me to be :)

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    1. 9lbs, 9oz...ouch!! I'm so bad that after I gave birth to my first child, I didn't wait for clearance from the doctor, as soon as my stitches healed, it was on.

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  13. oh i find this so odd too, my husband and I both need alone recharging time of occasion, but not more than a few hours or so a time, you know? I love it when he's working from home or on holiday or whatever!

    There's also this idea/expectation of a similar vein, that when you've been together a certain time - especially if you also have children - then you go off sex. Um... no. We've been together 18 years now, sex just gets better and better, I want it more and more, and it's generally most nights (well, not at the mo, but then I had a baby last week. We haven't had sex in 9 days, *sob*)

    and then, slightly off topic, but there's the same thing with kids. We home educate, and we get the 'oh I couldn't be round my kids all day' thing from other parents all the time. Sure, sometimes we drive each other demented, sure, sometimes we need breaks from each other, but that's normal family life.

    Obviously each to their own, and different things work for different marriages and families, but privately I wonder why have a marrage, have a family, if you don't want to, well, actually HAVE one?! (not accounting for financial reasons for decisions here, that's a different discussion altogether, just preferences)

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    1. Congrats on the new baby :) These same women have said derogatory things to me when I've mentioned I was happy my husband was taking time off of work so we could spend some time together. The way they reacted was like I had said something sacreligous, or grown horns out of my head.

      I have no problems understanding that no two relationships are alike, I just get tired of the constant complaining from them. If you are unhappy, do something about it already.

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  14. Oh Sir and I talk on a regular basis about our friends who have told us on many occasions that they have sex once a month...typically. HOLY SHIT!!! I mean - seriously. We have sex as often as we can...and it isn't EVER a chore...but for many many women it is. I don't know if there is something wrong with their hormone levels, they're doing something wrong or their lover is...or what...but it is sad. Having sex is such a wonderful way to connect, to feel euphoric, to love, to release, to ground, to recenter. I simply can't imagine.

    I have however also said - MANY times, that I was a man, trapped in a woman's body. I wanted and thought about and craved sex...still do. Much more like a typical man than a typical woman (that I know)...I don't know if society drives this, or if I really am one of the few...NOW, I would imagine there would be a higher number of us women sex-bloggers out here who are like us...but I wonder as a population as a whole. hmmmmm

    Hugs,
    fiona

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    1. I've been know to tell people when I hear them complaining about sex, that someone must be doing something wrong. Imagine how well that goes over, lol.

      Musicman and I talk about this on occasion too, neither of us really understand it, but I suppose we don't have too. I just wish I didn't have to hear it so often.

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  15. Nothing wrong with you...you are one lucky lady! I have been in a position where sex was a chore...more so for my partner than me..eventually I just avoided it all..and figured I just wasn't a sexual person. Master has so proven me wrong...and now am always ready and willing...and loving it. A much nicer place to be.
    hugs abby

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    1. I'm so happy you found someone to prove you wrong. I just wish these women would do something other then complain about the situation, or criticize me for not agreeing with them.

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  16. Nothing at all wrong with you - I think you know that though, and you know there are tons of us out here who feel the way you do.

    "If I am breathing, I want it" - yep.

    A friend and I often talk about this - wtf are these women doing married if they don't LIKE their husbands? Clearly they're all doing something very, very wrong.

    We're the lucky ones. :)

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    1. Yes, I do know there are tons of women here who feel that way. In my real life, not so many though. I've told people before that someone must be doing something wrong if they aren't enjoying it. That always goes over so well, lol.

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  17. Sometimes people go through cycles in their lives. Hormone issues give them no libido (or desire).Some have never felt comfortable with touch or sex. Many times it has to do with what they grew up with (such as no hugging or affection), sometimes it's because they do not really feel secure or feel trust in their relationships, sometimes it's because how their significant other treats them, and sometimes it's just control. There can be many many many reasons. I have to admit that there were times that by the time I gave all I had to give at work, coming home with my glass, not half empty, but completely empty, I would not want to make love. I was exausted physically and emotionally. I do know that if my husband just encouraged me, just a little more, he could talk me into it. Instead of it making me more tired and taking what little bit I had left, it relaxed me and it filled my glass back up. Now that I'm not working, I would make love every day. Then the DD thing just adds to the appetite, because it is something I've wanted for so long. I don't think women are crazy for not wanting it, because I just feel that their circumstances in life have probably led them to that. Sometimes physical disabilities make it painful. My mom worked at a factory when she was young. She was amazed that there were women who could not even get their husbands to take a bath. Can you imagine wanting to even want him in the house? There are woman who do not feel loved by their husbands. Women really need to feel loved to want to make love. There are some women who have never experienced an orgasm, or their husband didn't give them the time to have one. Those women don't have time to have any pleasure. There are women who husbands are out being with all kinds of other women, and won't protect their wives from disease. There are wives that are mistreated and in turn have no physical attraction to their man. Some women do not want any other children, but their husband will not allow birth control, and she is worn out. There are so many reasons. Most people are not going to tell their dark family secrets. It's easier to just laugh and joke. We who enjoy making love with our man, should just feel very blessed, not weird. God bless you and yours, Belle L.

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    1. As aisha said, very well put. I do understand and have even dealt with many of the issues you have mentioned. It never effected my sex drive though. If anything it made me want the connection more. There have times I came home after 16 hours in the ER, totally exhausted, I'd tell Musicman, "do whatever you want, just don't wake me up". He did, I was glad he did and then I slept like a babby afterwards.

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  18. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you...im the same way i hate it when im apart from Sir....sometimes i think these women just need a good old fashioned spanking to sort them out....i hate how they verbally bash their husbands like that...its just awful. And i for one would tell them so...but thats just me lol
    hugs kiwi xxx

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    1. I have on occasion told them so...usually just makes things worse. I really don't care what they do in their relationships, I just get tired of all the complaining, This group of women is about the worst in that area that I've ever worked with.

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  19. I can't stand husband bashing...nor wife-bashing. I often have to leave the room b/c it is hard to keep my mouth shut.

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    1. I try to get away too, not so easy to do at work though. It is getting harder and harder to keep my mouth shut though. I don't even mention my husband or home life anymore at work. The few times I have said things I've been criticized for saying nice things about my husband. What's up with that?

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  20. I definitely don't think anything is wrong with you! If anything, I think you're really lucky to love it so much. Just throwing this out there, but sex can be physically painful for a lot of women and for that reason, it can become a chore. I don't think it has anything to do with the relationship or the man or the woman, it's just their anatomy. Of course, then there are other cases where it's not painful, but I think this is the case for quite a few. Although the part about wanting their husbands to be gone every week -- that part surprises me.

    Anyway, definitely don't think you're weird, just lucky that sex is so enjoyable all the time! :)

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    1. I do understand that many women have physical issues that make it uncomfortable. My advice would be stop complaining to your co-workers and talk to a doctor. These womens attitudes toward their husbands in general is very disconcerting and I am tired of hearing it.

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  21. I am uncomfortable with the bashing too. That isn't to say that sometimes we have our moments.
    I think it's interesting because the women I work with rarely talk about sex with their husbands. When they bash their husbands I want to ask if they ever do nice things.
    Sometimes I do say stuff. I just say well I enjoy sex, or I love having my husband around.
    I also enjoy my time to read or go out with my friends. However rarely do my gf talk bad about their husbands. When we are away from them we all cannot wait to see them.
    So to answer your question.... No you are not weird!

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    1. These same women have actually told me to shut up when I've said nice things about my husband. That's happened more then once, so now I don't say anything.

      I enjoy my time with my hobbies or my friends too, but I always look forward to being with Musicman. My best friend and I meet frequently for breakfast or lunch and get caught up with each other. We often talk about our husbands, but not about sex. They haven't had sex in 3 years and they are happy with that. I don't understand it, but I respect it. If she was unhappy, that would be a far different story.

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  22. You are definitely not weird Faerie!

    My worry is that I want too much sex - more as I get older! Sometimes I wear Starman out. It's not something you can discuss with anyone. I tried once and my friends, all around the same age as me, didn't understand at all. It was as if "Whew, so glad we are older and we don't have to be bothered with it any more!"

    I can't understand it at all.

    When I had my heart attack three years ago I thought I would change my life. I have never refused my husband, and like you, we went back to love making pretty quick after children, operations etc. But I wanted to make sex more interesting and exciting. We met at 16 and 17 and he had only had one girlfriend and I was a virgin. We learned everything together, over the years.

    So I took a leap of faith and started introducing things into the bedroom. Initially he was a bit "Wow, what's gotten into you?!" But it's amazing how quickly he picked things up! The only think he absolutely won't do is tie me up. That doesn't bother me because I am the type who just might panic, and we find that if he, for example, holds my hands above my head, we can pretend/use our imaginations. We love playing with toys. We know, now, what we prefer and what we don't so much. It's just great. I never knew there were so many variations on a theme!

    And now there is spanking too!!! Whether this will eventually lead to full-blown Dd I can't say. We are taking things very slowly and practising our communication skills, learning trust and to respect each other' point of view. I am working hard at being more submissive. Some of it is easier than others. In the bedroom it is easy. But sometimes my hidden tiger surfaces! Then not so easy.

    Forget what those other women think. They are losing out big time. Age is no barrier to be sensual, I can tell you. I even learned burlesque dancing - just for Starman of course! Way to go Faerie!!!

    Many hugs, Ami

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    1. Burlesque dancing -- very cool :) I seem to weant sex more the older I get too. Hard to believe, but true. Musicman has commented a few times that I'm gonna kill him with my appetite, lol. The introduction of D/s(we'll never be DD) has definitely broadened our horizons. I look at it as having more options to achieve fulfillment together. Both of us were pretty experienced when we got together, but even when it's great, there's always room for improvement.

      I could accept these conversations a little better if they didn't ridcule me for not seeing things their way. Especially since I don't say a thing unless they push me too.

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  23. Faerie,
    So many people have contributed to this conversation, expressing themselves so well. It is a conversation that speaks to me because sex is a topic that many don't feel comfortable discussing, or at least in real life, and I ofen feel shy with this topic because my feelings sometimes have caused me to contemplate the same worry as whether there was something wrong with me. I won't make this too long, perhaps I will write a post on the topic if I feel brave enough. I love the connection sex brings. I always have loved the intimacy. But the act of sex itself was always just okay. Now I crave it. However, we for a time were only having sex once a month, sometimes less, sometimes more. I need more. What do you do when not both partners have the same needs but you both love each other and every other aspect of your relationship is perfect? I love spending time with my husband. I treasure those moments together. I also love time spent by myself or with friends and family. In short, you are in no way "weird" in negative light. My children tell me I am weird all the time and I always say thank-you. :-) But that is besides the point. You are you and you are perfect just the way you are. You and your husband are lucky to have such a wonderfully close and intimate relationship. I am sorry that you are surrounded by this negativity at work. I do not know these woman or anything about their lives at home. I do know it is one thing to get together with friends to share troubles in relationships, even complain or vent, with the underlying clause that love is the basis of the relationship and it takes two people to make a relationship work along with trust and communication and that talking with friends sometime helps to work through those issues and make the changes necessary at home to make things better. It is another thing entirely to speak badly of your partner in public with no respect to their feelings or to outwardly attack someone for being happy. So keep being happy and don't be afraid to share it with the world. :-) Hugs, Terpsichore

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    1. I think you should do a post about it, I'd love to hear your views. I'd bet that even when you were only having it once a month, you didn't go complain to others and do absolutely nothing about it. I'd also bet you didn't ridicule others for making positive comments about their own relationship.

      As women most of us problem solve by talking with friends or family, I do it too. But the constant complaining with no intention to change the situation is what gets me hot. Do something or shut up about it. I also have real issues with the fact that they are very open about not liking their husbands but will gladly take his money. I find that disgusting, I don't ever say that cause I know that is just my opinion.

      I'm so happy you started blogging, I'm doing the happy dance for you :)

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    2. I admit, I wondered to myself, "Have I ever complained or said something disrespectful about my husband without meaning to?" That would be the worrywart part of myself, but you are right, I have never said anything negative about my husband and I have never complained to strangers or aquaintances, only to my closest friends. And I am always striving to learn and grow and make positive changes in my life. And I celebrate other people's happiness. I find it contagious. It must feel a great burden to be surrounded by such negativity during your work day. I understand how hearing the women talk like that would upset you. I know it would be hard for me, too. I just wish you did not work in such a toxic environment and that you could feel free to share your joy and be you. But you can share your joy here and we will all be happy with you!

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  24. You've just been associating with the wrong women sweetie :-) You think like I do hehehe

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    1. Yeah, I've know for a long time I'm not like most women, and that's a good thing :)

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  25. Hmmm...I would say that it's just that group of women. Most of my friends (and family) fall somewhere in between nymphomaniac and abstinence. lol I would imagine that not wanting sex is a symptom of a bigger problem in the marriage, a general lack of intimacy. That said, sometimes there is a medical issue that plays a role. And not all of those are easily overcome. Also, each of us is different. We don't all have the same libido. And some people put all their focus on sex and neglect other areas of their relationship, just like some put their focus entirely in other areas and neglect their sex life. I'd say if wanting and liking sex is strange or weird then there are a lot of us weirdos out there. lol

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    1. The thing I find so striking about this group of women is that it is virtually ALL the women that work there.

      I am aware that there are all kinds of reasons women might not like sex. In my experience, the ones who have legitimate reasons are the ones that never say any thing. These women think it is highly amusing to put down their husbands, like it is an acceptable thing. It might be for them, but not for me.

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    2. I don't like the husband bashing either. That's a sign of bigger problems in the relationship. If there's a general lack of intimacy and connection in a marriage then it's not surprising that there's a lack of sex. Thankfully most of the women I'm around on a regular basis aren't into husband bashing either. And the ones who are open to talking about such things like sex, so I don't find that unusual. *shrug*. It's unfortunate that you find yourself in such an environment at work, but perhaps you'll rub off on them in a good way. ;)

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