I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions, never really have been. If I was, I should really consider working on handling disappointment better. Cause I really suck at it these days. It's something I've been aware of for some time now. I've thought a lot about it and put it down to getting older and crochetier. Don't we all know, or have encountered those older folks that don't sensor anything they say anymore?
When outside influences conspired against us and we had no privacy for anything other then vanilla sex this weekend, I realized it's not an age thing. It's about being authentic, being the real me that I am now. Vanilla sex is definitely better then no sex at all. Sometimes, vanilla sex is what I want, well not really, but it's sometimes what he wants, that I can easily accept.
When we both want more then vanilla and we have no privacy for it, that's when I get really irritated. That's when I feel like I have to pretend to be someone I no longer am. I don't like it, not one little bit. I become resentful of whatever, or whomever I perceive as preventing me from being my authentic self.
Like most adults in this world, I have, at times, sacrificed my own wants, needs and desires for the benefit of others in my life. I accepted those sacrifices at the time with no resentment at all. Becoming a mother is a prime example of that. Who among us hasn't made sacrifices for our kids? That's what parents do, I accept that.
I still make sacrifices for my kids, still put my own wants, needs and desires on the back burner when they need me too. Most of the time I don't resent it. When my wants get sent to the back burner because of stupid choices made, or actions taken by my adult children, I'm not so willing to accept it anymore. I'm not so willing to live my life inauthentically, I'm not willing to pretend to be some one I no longer am.
I've reached a point in my life where I want what I want, when I want it. I don't expect any one to come along and hand it to me, I never have. I've always been willing to do the hard work to get what I want. When the hot fudge sundae is sitting there in plain sight, almost reachable, I'm going to go for it every time. Even if it means walking past the vanilla without even a consideration just because it's easier to reach. The only exception to that, is when he says no to the hot fudge sundae and hands me the vanilla, that I can accept.