We've been on a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Saturday was a quiet day of chores and errands. By Saturday night outside influences caused Musicman to be tired, annoyed and cranky. I knew this and thought I was prepared for it, but he surprised me.
He was less then honest with himself and me. I don't believe he was intentionally dishonest. I believe he was guided by antiquated, preconceived notions of obligation too me. That resulted in him asking for something he didn't really want. I was aware of all this, but I didn't speak up. I wanted to give him what he said he wanted.
Unfortunately, he sometimes forgets how sensitive I am, that I pickup very clearly on the undercurrents of energy he puts out. I knew he didn't want what he said he wanted, but I did it anyway. This happens on occasion and it never ends well. It didn't this time either.
When this happens I become overwhelmed with frustration. That leads to doubts, questions, me feeling devalued and ignored. I withdraw, then he does the same thing. That just fuels the feelings of rage that build in me.
I try very hard to keep my mouth shut and deal with it. I know if I open my mouth, I will attack. I will say mean, hurtful things that I really don't mean, but can't be taken back. I know that doesn't help anything, but I'm not always successful at keeping my mouth shut either.
In times past when this happened it has taken days, up to a week for me to work my way through everything and come back to him. I always need his help to come back completely. The longer it goes on the more it takes to bring me back.
I can say, that while I am making strides in working through all the conflicting, violent emotions, it continues to take time. We spent the day apart yesterday, barely talking. When we did talk, it was not good and accomplished nothing.
We both have work today, that will distract us some. Maybe tonight we will be able to talk and get something resolved. I do not blame him for this incident, it is as much my fault as it is his. I know we will get through this, I just need to find the right words to make that happen.
I know what my first words will be: I'm sorry.