This, That and the Other

We had a lovely day here today, mid 50's and sunny. That's very unusual for us, normal is 20-30, tons of snow and grey skies. We had a busy day today running errands and getting some small projects done around the house.

During the errands Musicman stopped to check out the kitchen utensils. Musicman does not cook. He stands with the dishwasher door open and asks me if the dishes are clean or dirty. He does not buy me kitchen utensils as gifts.

Umm, yeah, so I might have been teasing him the other day about not owning a wooden spoon. And I thought he wasn't paying attention.

He has been very concerned about the bruising and feels the need to check it frequently, lol. He's not fooling me a bit.

I am still thinking about the email, and am maybe making some small progress. It is kind of running on a background track right now, popping up occasionally in quiet moments.

I have limited time with Musicman before he goes back to work, just a little over 2 weeks. I want to just enjoy the time, almost just observe and see what he does. I just want to take it all in and store it away for a little while, savoring the experience.

This is a very unique moment in time in our relationship. We did not have a honeymoon, and though we have traveled some, it has always been to visit family and for no more then a week at a time. So to have these few weeks of time, with all the doctors appointments behind us and long days of limited commitments is a precious thing. I'm just going to breathe it all in, maybe later I will think about it.

Who am I kidding? Of course I am going to think about it, just not right now. That's the plan anyway.

With it being so warm today I didn't have my slippers on and it started me thinking about my tattoo on my feet. Both feet are inked so most people think of it as two, but I don't. To me it is only one, and this is what it is.

On one foot is a very strong, thick vine. It starts just below the ankle on the outside of the foot and runs up and over the arch ending at the first knuckle of my big toe. It winds and curls a little, but not much. For the most part it is thick and straight and strong. It has a lot of small, almost nondescript flowers on it.

On the other foot the vine also starts below the ankle on the outside of the foot, but instead of running straight up over the arch, it meanders down the side. It turns just above the little toe and continues across to end at the knuckle of the big toe. This vine is not very strong, its delicate and flexible, intricate and winding. It only has a few flowers, but they are large and flamboyant. Worked into the vine on this foot is our wedding date.

All my tattoo's have meaning to me. I put a lot of thought into what I want them to represent and how I want that conveyed visually. And, of course, consideration has to be given to where it is worn. Sometimes I get them visually before the meaning becomes apparent. That is what happened with this one.

Like many of my tattoo's this one was drawn for me by our daughter. I did not tell her what I wanted specifically, just flowers and vines of some kind. She had drawn the two different kinds of vines and flowers for me to choose from.

Everyone, including our daughter thought I should pick one and get both feet done the same. But seeing them side by side on the paper, I saw the perfect visual description of my most intimate relationship. All it needed was the wedding date added. It's my favorite, so far.

Vanilla? Maybe Not.

I'm still thinking about what to put in an email for my hubby. Haven't figured it out yet, but I'm a persistent kinda gal and I know I will eventually figure it out. It is a lot more complicated then I first thought it was, and really isn't about him or this lifestyle I asked for. It is more about this little identity crisis I am going through related to my career and the current burnout I am experiencing. I'm not so sure a spanking will really help. Anyway, still thinking on that.

In the mean time, when I'm not awash in hormones things have been going great. One of the things that is really jumping out at me is we are not nearly as vanilla as I thought we were.

The truth is I never really thought about it all that much. Musicman's take on it is, it's just what we do. Yep that's what he tells me when I sometimes wonder about the things I want to do. It's not kinky, it's just what we do. I like the way my man thinks.

I am still kind of amazed that it totally escaped my notice how submissive I really am. 

One might think that a woman who is so used to not wearing underwear unless at work that it feels odd to actually wear them might just be a little more clued in. Not so much folks. It's just what I do, never thought anymore about it then that.

Musicman says I make it too easy for him, I take good care of him, I treat him well, I do what he wants me to do, I defer to him and he naturally leads. It is just who we are. He has admitted that he might be a little too comfortable and he needs to work a little more at what I want now. He does realize more then I give him credit for sometimes. He is not much of a talker though, never has been, and sometimes I let the fact that he isn't talking about it lead me to believe he isn't thinking about it or taking it seriously enough. Wrong.

I can see that even though some of the things are very subtle changes, they are also big changes. He is naturally dominant, but has suppressed it for so long because of the things I went through and how they affected me. Since his first instinct is to protect me, even from the nightmares and bad memories, I get that he has reservations about moving too fast. Smart guy. 

He also doesn't like the bruises, I wish I didn't bruise so easily, but I always have. I'm a bit of a klutz to boot so I always have stray bruises somewhere.

I slept in this morning while he got up and took our son to school. When he got home he came back to bed. 

I love the way he wakes me up, hands stroking me all over, I love his hands. The directive to roll over is enough to get me wet, hand spanking followed by the hairbrush, yummy. The delicious feel of his hot cum spewing all over my red ass, heaven. And that is just a snippet of round one. A small rest and we commenced to round two, hehehehe. He says I'm gonna bruise and I'm gonna feel it for awhile. I told him I like it that way. Yes, I'm a happy girl. Now if I could just get those pesky hormones to behave.

Post Apocalypse

How do I explain something I don't understand myself?

Things have been going great, especially since I am so bad at knowing what it is I want and need. I know what I don't want, does that help? Maybe a little. 

So yesterday I woke up to my alarm going off and was in the grips of a nightmare. I have a terrible history of repetitive nightmares. They have occurred my whole life and sparked my interest in dream interpretation. Once I remember the nightmare, I can write it down and then I use Dictionary of Dreams to interpret it. It always helps me figure out what is going on and deal with it and then like magic the nightmare goes away. 

I don't remember the nightmare, but it did trigger a full fledged plunge off the ledge to what I refer to as menopause brain. They have a pattern, a definite beginning, middle and end. If I can catch them at the beginning I have a chance to stop them and not have a total melt down. Once we get to the middle though, too late, I'm a raving lunatic. By the time Musicman woke up I was in the middle, how pleasant for him to wake up to a raving lunatic for a wife. Not so much.

After the last time this happened and we talked about it I thought he understood what I needed him to do to help me. Yeah, no. He reverted right back to what he used to do many, many years ago when I had PMS issues that were out of control. He leaves me alone, back then that is what I wanted. It was pretty easy to figure out since I would scream at him to NOT TOUCH ME.  I would tell him, leave me alone, his instinct was not to do that. But I couldn't stand to be touched then, it made things worse, so he learned to leave me alone and at all costs not to touch me. 

A change in birth control helped get that issue under control. This menopause brain thing is something relatively new, I've been dealing with it for about a year. I understand his instinct to do what worked last time, only it doesn't work this time. I need his help, he wants to help, but during these times I am not able to tell him in any coherent fashion what will help. It is very frustrating for both of us. 

Once the episode is over I am always physically and mentally exhausted, not the best time to talk.  He tried, he wants to know what will help. I am frustrated because I have told him before and he doesn't seem to remember. Apparently reminding him of it doesn't jog his memory, it just confused him more. 

We did make some small progress, I told him about this little blog. He knew I was writing, he knew I was reading blogs, he has seen me leaving comments on blogs and when he asked what I was doing I told him. I never kept it a secret, I just never came right out and said I was writing a blog. I never worried about it because I knew that if it helped me he would be ok with it. 

He reacted exactly as I anticipated, he asked if it was helping me, I said yes and that was the end of it. He has not asked to see it or to read it. I'm ok with that, but he did ask me to write to him about what will help with the menopause brain episodes. Normally he doesn't like me writing him emails, he prefers me to just talk to him, imagine that. I guess he has realized that if we are going to make any kind of progress with this issue I need to write it down or I can't really get it out in a way that makes much sense.

So I will try again, because as he reminded me, we have been through worse and will get through this. I just don't know yet what I am going to put in the email. I have time to figure it out because he doesn't check his email for months at a time, so once I do finally get it all out and send it I will have to tell him I sent it or he won't find it for months. Not helpful.

Musing

It's a mild overcast day here today and I'm just sitting here, pleasantly sore and sated from our recent rehab session. We have another follow up appt. tomorrow morning. This one will not be like the last one, though we are expecting things to go well. We are seeing the Cardiologist tomorrow, he does not inspire any laughter in me.

I have lots of things on my mind, kinda just swirling around. It's not a bad thing, it's not really a good thing though either. Just thoughts, percolating away, observances waiting to be made.

Musicman continues to surprise and delight me. I had been feeling a little sad, thinking I had held him back, that I was damaged. Conina and aisha left some comments that really have started making me see things differently. Thank you ladies for your insight, it has inspired some of the thoughts swirling along with the memories. I don't know where it will lead me yet, but I know with time it will come.

When I started this blog a few months ago I had no idea how much it was going to help me. I have been quite surprised with some of the memories it has brought up. I'm not talking about the bad memories, I knew those were going to come up and writing about them has helped me deal with them more then anything I have tried before.

No I'm talking about the good memories, I have more of those then I do the bad ones. I am an optimist at heart and always look for the positive, no matter how bad the situation. Musicman and I have experienced lots of challenges in our marriage, every life changing event, multiple times. We have always turned to each other and gotten through it. One of the things we talked about way back at the beginning is the fact that we are so much stronger together then we are apart. It's us against the world, no matter what life throws our way, we stick together and we survive.

I'm a very lucky woman in that he and I are a good match physically, we have similar energy levels and our sex drives are about the same. I would say we have had a very healthy sex life and I have never found it lacking in anyway. The man blows my socks off on a regular basis.  Who knew it could get better?

We are going to learn together how much better it can be. That makes me smile.

Did I Out Myself?

I'm not quite sure, but I may have outed myself yesterday.

We had a checkup with Doc yesterday and I had warned Musicman that when Doc mentioned rehab I was probably going to laugh. So, we are sitting in the exam room, Musicman on the end of the exam table and I was directly across from him in a chair.

I wore my favorite dress and the "magical"  OTK socks and of course no undies. Musicman had spent most of the morning pulling my dress up on the pretext of checking to see how my little bruise was doing. It's gone, he just likes my ass, lol.

The checkup started off well enough, then Doc asked if we received the information on the rehab. I couldn't help myself, I started to laugh. Musicman just looked at me with a shit eating grin on his face and didn't say a word. It took Doc all of 3 seconds to figure out what I was laughing about, to which he said that was going to be my next question.

By this point I was laughing too hard to even hear Musicman's answers to Doc's questions about how his equipment was working. Good thing too, cause goodness only knows what I would have popped up with in answer to that question. I finally got myself together only to hear Doc ask Musicman how his mood has been. Musicman responded it was fine. Okay, good so far, but then Doc said the following to Musicman, "I see her mood is better, I was going to offer you a tranquilizer shot in the ass for her."

I totally lost it laughing, and this time so did Musicman. Doc just looked at us kinda bewildered. Every time I would get it together Doc would say something else that should have been quite innocent, but by now my brain was in full on naughty mode and I would start to laugh again. Doc finally just gave up and said, "it really doesn't matter what I say, you are going to hear something dirty aren't you?" I was gasping for breath from laughing so hard and could only manage to shake my head in the affirmative.

When I finally could talk again I told him, Musicman had been laid up for a month and I had to make up for lost time. He just shook his head at me. His wife is not a fan of sex and Doc has often complained to us over the years that he never gets it. Poor Doc, once a month would probably be a vast improvement for him.

Now that all sounds innocent enough, except that Doc knows us very well, he and Mrs. Doc were our next door neighbors for over 7 years. We spent a lot of time with them, they had our permission to use our pool whenever they wanted as long as they checked first to see that we weren't back there skinny dipping or fooling around on the swing.  It was apparent that even though he knows we are a highly connected couple and we both have high sex drives, something has changed. I hope he doesn't think too hard about it.

Honestly I'm not too concerned about it, as long as he doesn't ask for details, lol. We are going away for a weekend in March to attend a wedding of some close friends of ours. Doc and Mrs. Doc will be there too. The bride has reserved a block of rooms at a hotel close by the wedding venue for the out of town guests, I hope we don't get the room next to Doc and Mrs. Doc. I would hate to have to explain any noises they might hear.

Anyone know a good reason for requesting a corner room when I make the reservations?

Spankings & Blowjobs & Bruises....Oh My!!!

It's the end of a wonderfully lazy weekend and I'm sitting here on a nice warm backside waiting for American Idol to come on. Steven Tyler cracks me up. We spent the afternoon watching football, my favorite way to pass a winter Sunday afternoon.

Prior to the football games coming on we had a window of opportunity when our son went out with friends.
Now I freely admit, I don't get spanked for any kind of disciplinary reasons. Too much of an ick factor for me. Anything that might smack of a parent/child relationship is a huge NO for me. And for me, that is what it would feel like if Musicman were to discipline me.

We have discussed it and that is not something he is interested in either. Besides the fact that neither of us wants that, it is also not something we need in our relationship. The day to day details of our life and the way we interact with each other is something we worked out a long time ago. Yeah, all my spankings are good girl spankings and they are usually a prelude to, or part of other activities.

It has been interesting this last week as Musicman has started to feel better and get some of his strength back. I have started to realize how much of his nature he suppressed in order to protect me. When I say protect, I mean emotionally. I never really thought about how much he did that until things changed, and I know he is still being cautious with me. I am seeing subtle, yet powerful changes.

There was a time at the beginning of our relationship that I didn't want him to touch me when I was giving him a blowjob. It's not something he ever made me do. I like doing it, he just couldn't really touch me, especially my head, or it might trigger bad memories and a spazz attack on my part. The way I did it had to be on my terms, or I couldn't do it. That has slowly changed over the years. Now that I think about it, it seems comparable to someone breaking a wild horse. He's a very patient man when it comes to dealing with me.

Yet, it never crossed a line that made me feel like I wasn't in control. But now, well, now I want to feel his control, and boy howdy am I. Not only is it not triggering any kind of bad memories, yay, but I am finding it incredibly hot. The man had me begging for things that previously he would never have even asked of me. And I loved every single second of it.

In a way it makes me sad. I feel like because I was damaged it held him back. He doesn't feel that way. And he continues to surprise and delight me in the things he is doing. He also makes me laugh every time he reminds me that I promised him a more fun way to rehab then walking on a treadmill. I like his ideas of fun, lol. I did warn him that tomorrow when we go see Doc for a checkup and he asks about rehab I'm gonna bust up laughing. I think I will just keep my mouth shut and let Musicman explain, heeheehee.

On and end note, Musicman noticed today that I had a small bruise from some playtime on Friday. I'll spare you the details, but it did involve the hairbrush. I like the hairbrush and had no idea I had a bruise. When he brought it to my attention my first thought was, I hope he doesn't feel bad about it. I do bruise easily, it was a    
small bruise, and I'm amply padded back there, so I never would have known had he not told me.  He handled it appropriately, and yes he kissed my booboo. And then he spanked me again. I love my guy.

Happy

Things are going well. I almost don't want to share.

We had our first post surgical checkup, things went well.
It looks like he will be back to work in 3-4 weeks. I don't want him to go.

I want to live in fantasy land. I worked so hard to get here.

What we have been through is not exactly a fantasy, but I take advantage where I can.

We were in the office, the nurse was taking his history, she turned to me and asked," Is this what you signed up for?"

No!

This is not what I signed up for. But he didn't exactly get what he signed up for either. He loves me anyway.

I have had a few aha moments. Still thinking on those.

You would think that would be a good thing. Sometimes you just realize how much circumstances have held you back.

I hate circumstances. They kinda piss me off. I want to be stronger than the circumstances.

He understands me so much better than I understand myself.  He makes things so much simpler, easier. He accepts when I question.

He gives me exactly what I need.

I don't know how he does that, I'm so not good at articulating what I need. But he gets me. He gives me exactly what I need, even when I haven't conceived what that is. He accepts me, when I feel like I can't accept myself.

I already know that I'm gonna crash soooo hard when he  leaves me. I know he needs to go back to work. I know what that means to him. It's important to him that he provide for me. That's one of the things I love so much about him. No one has ever cared about me this much. It's so awesome, these many years later, things are just getting better.

I'm gonna miss getting spanked every day.

While he is gone, I'll bake cookies, I'll clean, I'll watch for him to come home. I'll kiss his neck, he'll swat my butt, we'll be happy.

That is my wish for you.

A Few Days

Aaahh, what a difference a few days can make.

Musicman is finally really making some significant progress. He has had more than one day in a row of feeling better. YAY.

I can feel his strength again, I love it.

I am still reading somewhat sporadically, and obviously not posting regularly. Anything like a normal schedule of any kind is still out the window. But I'm hopeful that will soon work itself out.

Blogger is still being a butt and not letting me comment on some of the blogs. Can I pout because I can't talk to my friends? LOL. Seriously, any ideas or suggestions on how to fix it are welcome.

I was recently emailing with a friend about how much I am learning about myself from the experience of blogging and the people in this community. I have read several very thought provoking posts lately. The kind that give you that aha moment and things just kind of click. Of course they also inspire deeper thought, another step down the road, another patch of fog filled with questions.

As I continue to think and work things out I am now in the unique position of having Musicman's undivided attention, and him healthy enough to listen. I am not above seducing my husband and have started a campaign to captivate his attention. It is working wonderfully well. Did you know that if you "parade" around all day in Tinkerbell sleep shorts and a cami with otk socks and wonderfully fuzzy slippers it can be considered teasing?  Did you know that teasing can get you spanked?

Yeah, I knew, yeah it was soooo worth it. Yum, yum.
Yeah, I will do it again.

I also discovered that the little heart shaped pillow they gave him at the hospital to use when he coughed feels really good to kneel on. I have a bad knee, kneeling has been a thing of the past for several years now. I think I'm gonna keep that pillow. Heeheehee.

Reconnection...or faerie looses her virginity

So I thought I would try for a cohesive, positive post, lets hope the mind cooperates, lol.

Musicman is stable, his energy levels fluctuate greatly, but overall things seem good.

He was finally feeling well enough to try for some reconnection, if ya know what I mean.
It was quite wonderful, and of course made me think, what else would I do being the deep thinker I am.

Musicman and I are very fortunate that we are never apart over night. It was one of the things he made clear to me at the beginning of our relationship oh those many years ago. He expected me to be in his bed with him every night, I always have been.

He does travel a few days a month for work, it would be easier and more convenient for him to spend the night away, but he never does, he always comes home to me. This usually makes for several 16 hour days for him, but even when the weather is bad and I worry about him being on the roads he never sways, he is always home with me at night.

In the 26 years we have been together I can quite literally count on one hand the number of times we have been seperated, and it was always due to hospitalization.

About now you are probably scratching your head and going, hunh? Stick with me, I think I have a point, I think.

Because we are never apart, and we both have pretty high sex drives going without is very very rare for us. I'm thinking ya'll know I have been somewhat frustrated with it.

When we were able to finally reconnect it was pretty vanilla, but so intense. It sorta felt like losing my virginity all over again. Or at least the way it is described in those silly romance books. Most of the women I have talked with about it say it was no great shakes. And I maybe wrong, but it seems like most women(never really asked a guy, so can't say about them) whether good or bad it is a significant memory for them.

This is where it gets a little fuzzy for me. I wonder why I think it seems like losing my virginity? With my history, I don't have a significant memory of it. For me there was no teenage angst, or first night wedding jitters or any of the other things I've heard other women talk about. There's just no memory at all, I kind of look at it as I was never a virgin. I mean, obviously I was once, but it was taken from me at such a young age that I am grateful I don't have any memory of it, cause it sure couldn't have been good.

So, I wonder, why is my brain making this correlation?

One step forward, Two steps back.

I find myself with some unexpected time to write so here I am. The only problem is my thoughts are colliding in my head, I really hate when that happens.

Musicman has been doing a little better each day. We have had a minor complication with some of the meds affecting his transplant and the beginning stage of possible rejection. Musicman has been very stable with no signs what so ever of rejection for the last 12 years. We have made the necessary changes to treat it and it should be just a minor blip for him.

Our daughter told me this morning that she is seriously considering leaving her boyfriend of 5 1/2 years. She is planning on moving back in with us. I am so ambivalent on so many levels with this.

Musicman and I had a wonderful interlude the other evening, some things have really stuck with me that I wanted to write about. But everything is colliding in my head.

It feels like I am chasing something and I just can't quite reach it. I probably need to to just relax and let it come to me, but I'm not so good at that.

I had the unique experience today of seeing Musicman with his work peers. We needed to go out and take care of stuff for his job and he isn't driving yet, so I played chaffeur. He is very good at what he does, he is well respected and well liked. It was very interesting just standing back, watching and listening to everyone. He works with a crew of about 25 men. Lots of testosterone.

One of my favorite hobbies is people watching, I could just sit and watch and observe for hours. I am also especially attracted to men who work with there hands, I found myself looking at all their hands. I have only been to his work place once prior to today and while I know of these men from my husband talking about his day at work I have never met most of them. It was interesting and another thought just kinda aimlessly bouncing around in my head.

So many things, they feel like different movie reels all running at the same time and I can't focus on any one thing. Oh well, I guess I'll just keep letting them run, eventually something will emerge.

Walking a Tightrope

Well it's been almost a week since my last post. I haven't had anything to say, and I still don't.

Musicman is doing okay, he is making progress slowly. At his best he is a pessimist, he is not at his best right now.

While I have no problem writing about or sharing my frustration, his is another thing. I love my husband dearly and while he is not a perfect man, he is the perfect man for me.

I know we will get through this and we will do it together, but I am feeling very protectvie of him right now. I do think of him as my hero, but I also know he has feet of clay. I do not feel at all comfortable exposing his foibles to everyone. Just as I share a side of myself with him that I let no one else see so does he. It seems disrespectful of me to turn around and share that with anyone, and I would never hurt him that way.

I am walking a tight rope right now, one that is going to take great concentration and careful foot placement to succefully navigate. Failure is not an option, so while I concentrate on the tight rope my posts may be somewhat infrequent.

I am spending very little time on line as my time is better served right now being with him and helping in anyway I can. I read when I can, but haven't been in the right mindset to comment as I really don't feel like I have anything positive to contribute. So while you may not see me, and you may not hear me, I will be lurking. Hopefully we have a breakthrough to a better place soon.

All of your thoughts, prayers, hugs and support have been appreciated more then I can express, I'm not sure I would have gotten through this far without them. So I will end this with, Thank you and I'll be back.

Just Thinking

I can feel the frustration building like an evil energy.

It feels like I need to open a fawcet and let it all pour out.

I think it may be to late for that, maybe a controlled explosion.

What I really need is to just explode, over and over and over.....without end.

I want to fly free, cartwheeling through space, softly caressing the joy as it carries me so softly along.

I want to experience the blindness of true freedom and glory in the brilliance of it's light.

I don't want to walk through the dark rooms of mind, they scare me sometimes.

I see you there, so far away it seems, you haven't noticed me yet.

I want to scream, but I don't dare open my mouth or I will drown in the emotion engulfing me.

Come close, I want to touch, I want to feel.

I Want.

I miss my lover.