What Happens?

Life is challenging. We all face many challenges throughout each day. Some challenges are so small we barely take note of them. Others are so large, it takes a life time to deal with them.

I'm the kind of person who meets challenges head on. I stare them in the face and I never back down. I will not be defeated. I think that inborn strength is the reason I survived the things that occurred in my childhood. I also think the things that occurred in my childhood happened for a reason. That reason being, to make me stronger.

Over the years, I've drawn on that inner strength to help me stand up to each challenge I've had to face, both professionally and personally. Professionally, I've been present at more deaths then I can count. I've done my best to provide a peaceful passing. I've stepped up and provided comfort to those left behind. Providing care and comfort in a persons lasts days is something I have always found fulfilling. Personally, I've faced that same challenge, too many times.

I have thought many times over the years that Musicman and I are together by design. He's been faced with many serious health challenges over the years. He's needed me to step up and be the strong one. When he was faced with his kidneys failing, he was strong enough to work full time while undergoing dialysis treatments three times a week. He has an incredibly physical job, he could have gone on disability, but that's not him. He pushed himself to work, to provide for his family. I am grateful for that, but it left everything else in our life, two young children and the care of our home to me, while I worked full time. I did it and never gave it a second thought, because in my opinion, I had the easy side of that equation.

When he received his transplant, I was by his side every single second. I stood up to the world class surgeons and made sure they knew, he wasn't just a kidney. I made sure they knew he was a person and the love of my life. When the care was less then top notch and all the other families were too afraid to speak up, I stepped up. I made so much noise they had to call in the head of the transplant program to speak with me. I affected change in the program that benefited everyone.

When we discovered he might be having heart issues, I pushed until they did the necessary tests. When the top cardiologist in the city tried to write us off as low risk, I took him on and got the best care available for Musicman. That doctor had to eat his words when the test he said we didn't need showed 5 blockages. That doctor had to admit to me, a lowly wife, that if I hadn't pushed, I would have lost him.

That is my biggest fear in this world, losing Musicman. He is my heart, he is my soul, he is my breath when I grow old. Okay, I admit those are song lyrics, but they are lyrics I've always connected too. He saved me, he gave me a life filled with love. He helped me realize my potential. He has made me into the woman I am today. I don't know how I could go on without him.

Undoubtably, I have the strength, but I don't have the will. He's been struggling with some health issues for the last few weeks. I pushed, as I always do, until he went to see Doc. Doc put him on some meds that helped so much. He felt like a new man, unfortunately, he couldn't stay on that med long term. There are serious side effects.

The new meds aren't helping as much as either of us would like. They have made a referral to a specialist, but it could take months before he gets an appointment. He's sick and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I feel so helpless. I'm scared and that's a very hard thing for me to admit.

What happens to a sub who looses her Dom? I pray I never have to find out the answer to that question.

Adjusting to a New Normal

I'm a stress cleaner. Cleaning my home when I'm stressed helps me work through all the thoughts running through my head causing me stress. I've been cleaning all day, my home fairly sparkles, but I'm still stressed. Anyone got something I can clean?

I'm stressed because we are dealing with so many things beyond our control. I'm actually somewhat used to that. So much of life is beyond our control, I accept that. Sometimes all we can do is react and pray, I'm doing both.

Right now, my biggest stressor is Musicman. He's hurting, both physically and emotionally. I want to help him, I'm trying to help him, but there's only so much I can do. He's not as good at handling things beyond his control as I am. He's a strong man, a man that is used to being in control of his world.

His world was knocked a bit off axis, his control slipped some. We've faced situations that have made us feel like this before. Situations that change normal. When things like this happen you don't recover as much as you adjust. You adjust to a new normal. We both know this from past experiences. We also know that it takes time.

What you do during that time is very important. The steps you take while the adjustment happens can be critical. He's a very proud man, he doesn't want me to see him hurting or perceive him as weak. He's pulling a cloak of stoicism around himself, pushing on through the pain. I understand, to a degree, that he needs to do that.

I know better then anyone exactly how strong he is, I could not ever see him as weak. I recognized a long time ago that he deals with serious, painful, life changing events differently then I do. He needs to do a certain amount of it himself, without my help. I respect that.

So, for now, I stand quietly at his side, offering him my strength, my admiration, my respect and my love. And, I'll continue to stand here, ready to help him in anyway that he will allow me.  

What I Know for Sure

One of the things I know for sure after 25 years of marriage is that there will be difficult times. Times of stress and struggle. The stress can be something external that impacts the relationship  and causes the partners to struggle. The stress can also be internal, one or both partners struggling to deal with a stressful situation.

Difficult times can be defining moments in a relationship. They can make the relationship stronger, or they can break it. If the partnership is strong and the partners have a deep commitment to each other and the relationship, they will survive and be stronger. If the partnership isn't strong and there is no deep commitment to each other or the relationship, it will wither and die.

Like any other long term relationship Musicman and I have had our share of difficulties over the years. Our commitment to each other is strong, quiting is simply not an option, it never has been. We have faced stress in many forms, both internal and external. We have struggled as individuals, and as a couple. We have made it through the stressful times and become stronger from the struggles.

The last few months we have faced some huge amounts of stress, both external and internal stressors, which have caused our current struggles. I wish I could say there was and end in sight, but it may just be me being overly optimistic.

We have a very challenging week ahead of us, the stress levels on both sides are going to be very high. We will struggle to make it through the week.  Exhaustion will set in and will tempt us to just give up and let it break us. We won't give up though, that's not an option, it never has been.

The things we face this week can not be solved with spankings or D/s or anything but old fashioned hard work and the will to survive. We have the will to survive and we aren't afraid of hard work. We will make it through. We will gain some resolution to some issues and some answers on how to proceed with others. We will be stronger for it and we will use that strength to keep going.  This I know for sure.


                                       

A Few Days

Aaahh, what a difference a few days can make.

Musicman is finally really making some significant progress. He has had more than one day in a row of feeling better. YAY.

I can feel his strength again, I love it.

I am still reading somewhat sporadically, and obviously not posting regularly. Anything like a normal schedule of any kind is still out the window. But I'm hopeful that will soon work itself out.

Blogger is still being a butt and not letting me comment on some of the blogs. Can I pout because I can't talk to my friends? LOL. Seriously, any ideas or suggestions on how to fix it are welcome.

I was recently emailing with a friend about how much I am learning about myself from the experience of blogging and the people in this community. I have read several very thought provoking posts lately. The kind that give you that aha moment and things just kind of click. Of course they also inspire deeper thought, another step down the road, another patch of fog filled with questions.

As I continue to think and work things out I am now in the unique position of having Musicman's undivided attention, and him healthy enough to listen. I am not above seducing my husband and have started a campaign to captivate his attention. It is working wonderfully well. Did you know that if you "parade" around all day in Tinkerbell sleep shorts and a cami with otk socks and wonderfully fuzzy slippers it can be considered teasing?  Did you know that teasing can get you spanked?

Yeah, I knew, yeah it was soooo worth it. Yum, yum.
Yeah, I will do it again.

I also discovered that the little heart shaped pillow they gave him at the hospital to use when he coughed feels really good to kneel on. I have a bad knee, kneeling has been a thing of the past for several years now. I think I'm gonna keep that pillow. Heeheehee.

Looking for Balance

I've been thinking about balance lately.

Balance: a situation in which different aspects or features are treated equally or exist in the correct relationship to each other.

Balance: a force, influence, or idea that is completely different from another but combines well with it.

 

Usually we are pretty good at being in balance, existing in the correct relationship to each other. We are forces that are completely different but combine well, usually.

 

That is not to say that things are, or have ever been 50-50. Sometimes things are 60-40, or 75-25, and there have been times when things were 99-1. The percentage of give and take does not have to be equal to be balanced. As long as both of us are getting what we need without taking more than the other has to offer, then we feel balance. When we are able to provide what the other needs, we are in balance.

 

I don't feel balanced right now. He needs more then I have to offer. He needs my strength right now. I'm trying to provide him with that. But, my strength comes from him, so how do I offer him the strength he needs without totally sapping either him or myself?

 

Previously this would not have been a problem for me. I am strong, I have heard that my whole life, and I believed it. I have had to be strong to carry the armor required to protect myself. When he promised to protect me a small chink appeared in that armor. A chink so minute it was practically invisible, but he saw it and established a foothold. Once he was inside he slowly started working to chip away the armor, small piece by small piece. And he was right there helping me keep my balance as each of those pieces fell away.

He achieved his goal, total exposure, the armor is gone, I don't need it any more because I have him. I'm totally vulnerable, and I like it that way, until I am faced with having to be the strong one once again. Then I need to put that armor back on long enough to bring us both through the fight unscathed.

I tried to put the armor back on, but I found it a lot heavier than it used to be. It paralyzes movement, it impedes function, instead of making me strong it weighs me down. It unbalances me, so I put it aside and in it's place is a facade. A facade of strength that I'm trying desperately not to drop, because he needs my strength right now and he deserves no less. I need to find my balance so I can offer it to him.