Adjusting to a New Normal

I'm a stress cleaner. Cleaning my home when I'm stressed helps me work through all the thoughts running through my head causing me stress. I've been cleaning all day, my home fairly sparkles, but I'm still stressed. Anyone got something I can clean?

I'm stressed because we are dealing with so many things beyond our control. I'm actually somewhat used to that. So much of life is beyond our control, I accept that. Sometimes all we can do is react and pray, I'm doing both.

Right now, my biggest stressor is Musicman. He's hurting, both physically and emotionally. I want to help him, I'm trying to help him, but there's only so much I can do. He's not as good at handling things beyond his control as I am. He's a strong man, a man that is used to being in control of his world.

His world was knocked a bit off axis, his control slipped some. We've faced situations that have made us feel like this before. Situations that change normal. When things like this happen you don't recover as much as you adjust. You adjust to a new normal. We both know this from past experiences. We also know that it takes time.

What you do during that time is very important. The steps you take while the adjustment happens can be critical. He's a very proud man, he doesn't want me to see him hurting or perceive him as weak. He's pulling a cloak of stoicism around himself, pushing on through the pain. I understand, to a degree, that he needs to do that.

I know better then anyone exactly how strong he is, I could not ever see him as weak. I recognized a long time ago that he deals with serious, painful, life changing events differently then I do. He needs to do a certain amount of it himself, without my help. I respect that.

So, for now, I stand quietly at his side, offering him my strength, my admiration, my respect and my love. And, I'll continue to stand here, ready to help him in anyway that he will allow me.  

Submissive Mindset

I've been thinking a lot about that switch, the one in my head that flips on the submissive mindset when we play.

First I wondered has it always been there? Did I suppress it? I am not the kind of person that suppresses things, I'm pretty open and out there. I don't embarrass easily and will talk about anything with anyone, much to their discomfort sometimes. Just call me the queen of TMI, lol.

My conclusion is it has always been there, but I don't think I was suppressing anything. I think it has always been there, it just wasn't very mature yet. I think some of the things I went through growing up stunted its growth.

I know for sure that when I first met Musicman he was more dominant then he is now. Some of that is just him mellowing with age, but some of it was him reacting to me and what I needed at the time. I believe I have done the hard work to heal from the nightmare of my childhood, but I could not have done it without him. He has given me all the love and security I needed to heal and as the healing occurred it sparked the growth of that funny little sub switch. If I didn't trust him totally I don't think it would have ever showed up.

I also know that I have always been interested in reading about D/s relationships and spanking, and while I always found them titillating I never thought much about wanting to actually do it.

Surprise, now I not only want it, I'm a little afraid I need it.

It is a wonderful feeling when the switch gets flipped on, such a peaceful mindset. I'd like it to stay forever, but it doesn't. It fades away. That would be okay except that when it's gone, I start the free fall into the dark places in my head.

I get stuck in those dark places and the voices in my head get louder and louder and louder. They are not nice voices. These are the voices that tell me I'm being foolish, that I shouldn't want this, that I don't need this. They try to convince me that I can separate myself emotionally from it all, that we can have all kinds of fun together in the bedroom and it shouldn't affect me outside of it.

Yes, I hear you all laughing at me. I have never been able to remove emotion from the equation, I am a female after all.  Maybe there are some women that can separate emotion from everything, but I'm not one of them. So why I thought I could do it now is beyond me, denial maybe.

I have to work on remembering that this feeling is very new for me and I need to take the time to let myself adjust. I also need to remember that I'm not in this relationship alone and that it is a big adjustment for Musicman too. It would most likely be easier for him to adjust if I was better able to talk about these things, but it's hard to talk about things you don't understand,especially when the voices are screaming in my head.

If I could just figure out how to flip that switch myself I wouldn't feel so needy or like I'm a burden to him. If that is possible I haven't figured it out yet.

Happy Valentines Day.