Adjusting to a New Normal

I'm a stress cleaner. Cleaning my home when I'm stressed helps me work through all the thoughts running through my head causing me stress. I've been cleaning all day, my home fairly sparkles, but I'm still stressed. Anyone got something I can clean?

I'm stressed because we are dealing with so many things beyond our control. I'm actually somewhat used to that. So much of life is beyond our control, I accept that. Sometimes all we can do is react and pray, I'm doing both.

Right now, my biggest stressor is Musicman. He's hurting, both physically and emotionally. I want to help him, I'm trying to help him, but there's only so much I can do. He's not as good at handling things beyond his control as I am. He's a strong man, a man that is used to being in control of his world.

His world was knocked a bit off axis, his control slipped some. We've faced situations that have made us feel like this before. Situations that change normal. When things like this happen you don't recover as much as you adjust. You adjust to a new normal. We both know this from past experiences. We also know that it takes time.

What you do during that time is very important. The steps you take while the adjustment happens can be critical. He's a very proud man, he doesn't want me to see him hurting or perceive him as weak. He's pulling a cloak of stoicism around himself, pushing on through the pain. I understand, to a degree, that he needs to do that.

I know better then anyone exactly how strong he is, I could not ever see him as weak. I recognized a long time ago that he deals with serious, painful, life changing events differently then I do. He needs to do a certain amount of it himself, without my help. I respect that.

So, for now, I stand quietly at his side, offering him my strength, my admiration, my respect and my love. And, I'll continue to stand here, ready to help him in anyway that he will allow me.  

The Adventures of Nurse Faerie

Ever have the need to write, but have nothing to say? Nothing wise, nothing witty, nothing wonderful makes for a whiny post.

Musicman is doing well but it is slow going. He is able to do more and  more for himself everyday, but I'm firmly in nurse mode at the moment. Managing meds and doctor appointments, feeding and clothing and blah blah blah. Yep, that's what it feels like, that's what I feel like, blah blah blah.

Musicman is very frustrated right now, he does not do weak well. The more he sees me moving and doing the worse it gets. I try to remember when he has an outburst that not only is he dealing with a lot of pain, but it must be very emasculating for him. He is not the type of guy to sit around doing nothing while I run around like a headless chicken. But things have to be that way right now.

We are both feeling the frustration of not being able to be together. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow and that's just way too long for either of us. Of course, we could try, but me moving around too much in the bed causes him pain, so it's not really practical right now. His incisions are not healed yet and between the cath and the surgery he is a giant bruise from his collar bone to his heel, not really play inducing.

I keep telling myself this too will pass and try to remember how grateful I am that we found this in time and fixed it. Sometimes that just isn't enough, I need my big strong husband back, and he needs to be back.

I'm off to clean and do some laundry and fantasize about the day he is well again.