Implement of Change

As with most people in this lifestyle, we have accrued a few implements. Not many, but a few. One of the implements I hear many talk about is the belt. I've been pretty open about the fact that I have no interest in it. It carries lots of bad memories for me and I feel no need to change that.

I don't get a rush when I hear Musicman take his belt off. Even reading others talk about it sometimes squicks me out. Not using a belt is not a problem for Musicman, he understands me better then I understand myself most of the time. An interesting phenomenon has been occurring that is starting to change that view. It has happened quite organically too.

Musicman works at a job where he gets quite dirty. It's his habit to change clothes as soon as he gets home. If he's had an especially strenuous day he will change before he even lets me kiss him hello. He says he doesn't want to get the grime on me. Honestly, I don't care if he does, but he insists, so I wait for him to change clothes.

The lounge we often play on is in the corner of our room, next to his dresser. He empties his pockets onto the dresser and always removes his belt and lays it on the lounge. Can ya guess where this is going? Yep, sometimes during playtime, when I'm bent over that lounge, I spot it. Such an innocent thing, just laying there, no harm in that whatsoever.

The first few times it happened I felt a moment of panic and snapped my eyes tightly shut. Inevitably though, they would open again. There it was, still laying there, causing no harm to anyone. After awhile, I got to a point where it didn't bother me anymore when I my eyes landed on it. It's just an innocuous piece of leather afterall.

Then something changed. The last few times we played on the lounge, it was still there, it hadn't changed at all. What did change was how I felt about it. I wanted it, wanted him to use it. All of a sudden, I wasn't afraid of it anymore. At least, in that moment I wasn't afraid.

I haven't mentioned this to Musicman, yet. I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for it. I thought a lot about what it is that frightens me so much about it. What triggers those bad memories and ways to eliminate them. I realized that the sound of the buckle terrifies me, so does the sound of leather hitting leather when the belt is doubled back on itself. I don't want to hear those things. Just thinking about them now, as I type this, makes me feel a little sick.

But, I see a way to overcome the fear, to put the bad memories to rest. I see a way to broaden my horizons and experience the feel of leather. I do love the leather paddle we have, I thought maybe that would be enough. But, now that I see a way to conquer the fear and vanquish the demons, I couldn't let it go.

I took a belt of Musicman's that he never uses, he doesn't like the buckle. Good thing since I removed the buckle. I also measured it and cut it down so it could be used easily without doubling it over. I tucked it away, intending to give it to him on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. Unfortunately, we've had no privacy to play, so it remains tucked away.

The more time passes and we are unable to use it, the more I want to bring it out and give it a try. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this could be the answer. This could vanquish those demons that still haunt me when I least suspect it. This is the next step forward for me in living my life out from under the shadow of abuse. It's a step I'm ready to take.

Looking Forward to 2012

Well, after dumping my frustration here in my last post I got down to business. I called Doc to let him know what was going on. I did not realize he was on vacation and over 1,000 miles away, but he is a good guy and helped me.

We spent yesterday morning at an outpatient clinic having more tests done, then off to the ER for even more tests. Musicman has developed a bilateral Plueral Effusion, yuck. His vital signs were stable so they opted not to re-admit him to the hospital. We did however have to go back today to have a Thoracentesis done. They took over a liter of fluid out of one lung, no wonder he had no breath sounds on that side. He is doing much better now, able to breath without wheezing and move around without too much pain. The next several weeks will be filled with more tests and doctor appointments, but, fingers crossed we are on the road to recovery finally.

I am bummed that we can't celebrate New Year's in our usual fashion, but it could be worse, he could be back in the hospital.

For the last 2 decades we have celebrated New Year's in the same way. We have a few drinks and our favorite snacks, watch a movie or maybe a comedy special and then we curl up together in bed. We have the TV on with the sound turned down, cause I really like to watch the ball drop, our favorite music is on in the background.

Yes, we make a point of ending the old year and beginning the new one doing the same thing every year, sex. I think orgasms galore is a great way to usher out the old and greet the new year.
I don't think that is happening this year, but I have decided that since we missed the entire holiday season, we will just move it to a more convenient time for us, maybe mid January, lol.

This may not be the way I anticipated the holiday season being, but as I look back on the last year I am very happy with the things I have accomplished. I feel like I am on the brink of an exciting new year. I have gone through major changes in almost every aspect of my life in this last year, and while many where stressful and more painful than I ever thought they could be, I am in a good place and looking forward to what life has to offer in the coming year.

Happy New Year everyone and please be safe.

The Adventures of Nurse Faerie

Ever have the need to write, but have nothing to say? Nothing wise, nothing witty, nothing wonderful makes for a whiny post.

Musicman is doing well but it is slow going. He is able to do more and  more for himself everyday, but I'm firmly in nurse mode at the moment. Managing meds and doctor appointments, feeding and clothing and blah blah blah. Yep, that's what it feels like, that's what I feel like, blah blah blah.

Musicman is very frustrated right now, he does not do weak well. The more he sees me moving and doing the worse it gets. I try to remember when he has an outburst that not only is he dealing with a lot of pain, but it must be very emasculating for him. He is not the type of guy to sit around doing nothing while I run around like a headless chicken. But things have to be that way right now.

We are both feeling the frustration of not being able to be together. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow and that's just way too long for either of us. Of course, we could try, but me moving around too much in the bed causes him pain, so it's not really practical right now. His incisions are not healed yet and between the cath and the surgery he is a giant bruise from his collar bone to his heel, not really play inducing.

I keep telling myself this too will pass and try to remember how grateful I am that we found this in time and fixed it. Sometimes that just isn't enough, I need my big strong husband back, and he needs to be back.

I'm off to clean and do some laundry and fantasize about the day he is well again.

Do I Really Need A Title?

Where to begin?

Musicman is doing better today.

All the tubes are gone. . .  Score.
The pain is getting better. . .Score.
He is moving idependently, mostly...Score.
I slept last night. . .Huge Score.

He isn't eating. . .No score.
Blood sugars are still high. . .I might have to give him shots and I'm can't look at needles...no score.

Issues with his transplant doctor who was called in due to minor complications.  I AM GOING TO SERIOUSLY HURT THE MAN.  If the complications become more then minor my next need is going to be bail money.

I can be a real serious Bitch when I need to and nobody fucks with my family. Right now I am in full on Bitch mode. The armor is fitting very well, and it's inpenetrable.

I stocked up on groceries today, I cleaned my home, every dish in the cabinet where they belong. My last load of laundry is in the dryer and will be folded and put away soon. I have chicken soup cooking in the crock pot.

Tomorrow when I get up I will go to the hospital, at this point my car can drive itself there. Unless something drastic happens I'm not leaving alone. I'm bringing my Musicman home. The healing has begun.

I'm so lonely, I miss him so much. He is starting to come back to me. We have been here before. I know what to do for him, I know what he needs, and I will very happily give it to him. I just need him to come home. I can face the world when he stands next to me, and I can win. I can feel euphoria in his arms.