Control Issues

There have been so any benefits for me in blogging. Not only does the writing help me to sort things out, but the comments often give me added insight into what is going on. That has been the case with my last post.

Believe me when I say I am not as tuned in to what is going on with me as I would like to be. It has taken me quite a long time to figure out the that submission and service are two very different things. I don't necessarily like that they are two different things, but for my own sanity I needed to accept that that is the case.

I don't like the fact that when I am in a service mindset I must retain control, but if I don't it triggers something very bad for me. I go to a dark, painful place where the rage boils out of control. This has been occurring off and on for years and it has taken me this long to figure it out. I can often go long periods of time without ever tripping that particular trigger. Other times it happens frequently.

Much to my chagrin, it has happened several times in the last few weeks. I have gotten to a point where I can sometimes prevent myself from spiralling totally out of control, but I'm still not exactly pleasant to be around. I may not lash out as I used to, but I still withdraw into myself and quietly let the rage bubble beneath the surface, struggling to let it go. I've not been as successful at letting it go as I would like. It's is getting better, taking only hours where it used to take days or even weeks.

As for Musicman, I'm afraid he still has no clue what exactly is going on. That is my fault, because I haven't been able to articulate well enough to explain it. I'm trying, but it's not easy to explain a mindset.

Musicman is a naturally dominant man, but it is a very subtle dominance. I'm the one that has the need for more overt displays of dominance on his part. He has done a great job of stepping up and providing that for me most of the time. Then there are the times when he is tired or stressed or dealing with some frustration when he just isn't feeling it. He goes through the motions because he knows that's what I want. The problem is, I can tell, very clearly, that he is not into it, that's when the trigger gets tripped.

I can be of service, I can offer myself to him with no expectations of overt dominance on his part, as long as I can define how that service will be rendered. If he wants more then I am offering, I can't switch mindsets fast enough. I need the more intense feeling of dominance from him to get there. When it doesn't occur, I get triggered and spiral so fast that both our heads spin.

I don't like having to be the one in control during certain situations. I want to be able to serve without limitations, but that is not the case right now. I have no idea how to proceed from here, but identifying the trigger is a huge step forward, so I'll be happy with that, for now.

Sweet Tooth

My thoughts have been swirling all morning. I've been cleaning and dancing around the house hoping they would come together. My house is sparkly clean, not so sure about the thoughts though. This post may just ramble on with no definite point...oh well.

The last week or so has been pretty much D/s free. The little stumble that sent me crashing revealed an issue that we needed to address. This issue's outcome is not totally in our control, but we have acknowledged it and are doing what we can to deal with the situation. I'm counting that as progress.

I missed the D/s. I was starting to crave it. I wanted to feel his control. I wanted to feel the pain.

Last night it came roaring back in the most delicious ways. Ways so delicious they left me a boneless pile of mush. I want to bottle that feeling so I can have it anytime I want. I know me, I'd want it all the time.

He did something last night that surprised me and from what he said afterward he acted on instinct and it surprised him a little too. It was not something I would have ever asked him to do, never even considered it.

I loved it. That surprises me too.  I hope he does it again. That doesn't surprise me.

It does make me think a lot about limits though. Clearly, I'm not good with limits. I see boundaries as a challenge. Can I cross them? Can I push them? I know me, I'll push them.

The physical part of D/s is new for us. I don't know what my limits are. I'm still working on processing the fact that my brain now experiences pain as pleasure. This hasn't always been true.

In some ways it's almost like being in a different body. It craves things it never wanted before. It reacts positively to stimuli that in the past it didn't. It confuses me, I don't know me anymore.

How do I know what my limits are when everything seems so foreign? On first blush I would answer that by saying Musicman knows my limits. But really how could he? If I don't know them, how could he?

What I do know is that I can trust Musicman, he has much better control then I will ever have. I've always known that and I think that is why it is so easy for me to accept his control. I'm safe there.

When I look at the possibilities of where this journey may take us, I feel kinda like a kid in a candy store.  It all looks so good, I want to taste every last piece of it. If left to my own devices I would run around shoving it all in my mouth at once. There are two things I can see that are wrong with that: you don't get the full flavor of anything that way, and, you make yourself sick.

Musicman has a sweet tooth, he also has much more discerning tastes then I do.  He won't let the pretty colors and the sweet smells intoxicate him. He's in control and that makes me feel safe. I'm content letting him choose the candy for me to taste.

                                                                                  

Spankings & Blowjobs & Bruises....Oh My!!!

It's the end of a wonderfully lazy weekend and I'm sitting here on a nice warm backside waiting for American Idol to come on. Steven Tyler cracks me up. We spent the afternoon watching football, my favorite way to pass a winter Sunday afternoon.

Prior to the football games coming on we had a window of opportunity when our son went out with friends.
Now I freely admit, I don't get spanked for any kind of disciplinary reasons. Too much of an ick factor for me. Anything that might smack of a parent/child relationship is a huge NO for me. And for me, that is what it would feel like if Musicman were to discipline me.

We have discussed it and that is not something he is interested in either. Besides the fact that neither of us wants that, it is also not something we need in our relationship. The day to day details of our life and the way we interact with each other is something we worked out a long time ago. Yeah, all my spankings are good girl spankings and they are usually a prelude to, or part of other activities.

It has been interesting this last week as Musicman has started to feel better and get some of his strength back. I have started to realize how much of his nature he suppressed in order to protect me. When I say protect, I mean emotionally. I never really thought about how much he did that until things changed, and I know he is still being cautious with me. I am seeing subtle, yet powerful changes.

There was a time at the beginning of our relationship that I didn't want him to touch me when I was giving him a blowjob. It's not something he ever made me do. I like doing it, he just couldn't really touch me, especially my head, or it might trigger bad memories and a spazz attack on my part. The way I did it had to be on my terms, or I couldn't do it. That has slowly changed over the years. Now that I think about it, it seems comparable to someone breaking a wild horse. He's a very patient man when it comes to dealing with me.

Yet, it never crossed a line that made me feel like I wasn't in control. But now, well, now I want to feel his control, and boy howdy am I. Not only is it not triggering any kind of bad memories, yay, but I am finding it incredibly hot. The man had me begging for things that previously he would never have even asked of me. And I loved every single second of it.

In a way it makes me sad. I feel like because I was damaged it held him back. He doesn't feel that way. And he continues to surprise and delight me in the things he is doing. He also makes me laugh every time he reminds me that I promised him a more fun way to rehab then walking on a treadmill. I like his ideas of fun, lol. I did warn him that tomorrow when we go see Doc for a checkup and he asks about rehab I'm gonna bust up laughing. I think I will just keep my mouth shut and let Musicman explain, heeheehee.

On and end note, Musicman noticed today that I had a small bruise from some playtime on Friday. I'll spare you the details, but it did involve the hairbrush. I like the hairbrush and had no idea I had a bruise. When he brought it to my attention my first thought was, I hope he doesn't feel bad about it. I do bruise easily, it was a    
small bruise, and I'm amply padded back there, so I never would have known had he not told me.  He handled it appropriately, and yes he kissed my booboo. And then he spanked me again. I love my guy.