Control Issues

There have been so any benefits for me in blogging. Not only does the writing help me to sort things out, but the comments often give me added insight into what is going on. That has been the case with my last post.

Believe me when I say I am not as tuned in to what is going on with me as I would like to be. It has taken me quite a long time to figure out the that submission and service are two very different things. I don't necessarily like that they are two different things, but for my own sanity I needed to accept that that is the case.

I don't like the fact that when I am in a service mindset I must retain control, but if I don't it triggers something very bad for me. I go to a dark, painful place where the rage boils out of control. This has been occurring off and on for years and it has taken me this long to figure it out. I can often go long periods of time without ever tripping that particular trigger. Other times it happens frequently.

Much to my chagrin, it has happened several times in the last few weeks. I have gotten to a point where I can sometimes prevent myself from spiralling totally out of control, but I'm still not exactly pleasant to be around. I may not lash out as I used to, but I still withdraw into myself and quietly let the rage bubble beneath the surface, struggling to let it go. I've not been as successful at letting it go as I would like. It's is getting better, taking only hours where it used to take days or even weeks.

As for Musicman, I'm afraid he still has no clue what exactly is going on. That is my fault, because I haven't been able to articulate well enough to explain it. I'm trying, but it's not easy to explain a mindset.

Musicman is a naturally dominant man, but it is a very subtle dominance. I'm the one that has the need for more overt displays of dominance on his part. He has done a great job of stepping up and providing that for me most of the time. Then there are the times when he is tired or stressed or dealing with some frustration when he just isn't feeling it. He goes through the motions because he knows that's what I want. The problem is, I can tell, very clearly, that he is not into it, that's when the trigger gets tripped.

I can be of service, I can offer myself to him with no expectations of overt dominance on his part, as long as I can define how that service will be rendered. If he wants more then I am offering, I can't switch mindsets fast enough. I need the more intense feeling of dominance from him to get there. When it doesn't occur, I get triggered and spiral so fast that both our heads spin.

I don't like having to be the one in control during certain situations. I want to be able to serve without limitations, but that is not the case right now. I have no idea how to proceed from here, but identifying the trigger is a huge step forward, so I'll be happy with that, for now.

When I Am...

I'm big into visualization. I cultivated it many years ago, as a way to deal with the visions that come to me.

I see a huge ball of knotted yarn. I pick and I pick at the knots until they unravel. Sometimes, the unravelling is painful, necessary, but painful.  I think I've picked my way through a few knots.

When it comes to D/s, I've realized that I have two settings.

Submissive.

Service.

For some, those might mean the same thing. For me, not so much.

When I am in a submissive mindset, I will do anything he asks of me. I will fly freely, inhibitions left by the wayside. He is firmly in charge. I am totally malleable. I will kneel at his feet. I will be his slut. I will not question. I will surrender total control. I will willingly obey and thank my Sir for that privilege.

When I am in a submissive mindset, I crave the pain. I crave the attention. I crave his focus, solely on me. I crave the well placed slap of the strap. I crave the blows of the paddle, as they reign down, robbing me of breathe, robbing me of thought. I crave whatever he wants to give me.

When I am in a submissive mindset, the pain sets me free. It allows me to fly among the ether. It allows me to experience life with all my most base senses. It allows me to feel, with every fiber of my being. My soul screams surrender, there are no barriers, it is glorious.

When I am in a service mindset, he is my focus. I will do anything he desires to give him pleasure, but I must be the one in control. I must be the one who orchestrates the dance. There must not be any move on his part to provide me any attention.

When I am in a service mindset, I do not expect, nor can I receive, any attempts on his part to satisfy my needs. My needs are satisfied when he achieves pleasure, by my hand. But, the pleasure must be as I dictate, he must be willing to relax and receive and let me control the situation. I can do this for him, if he would learn to allow it.