I didn't want to want what I wanted

I didn't want to want what I wanted. It had been so long, about a month, so it was easy to convince myself I didn't want it. Recent tension causing issues between us made it easy for me to believe I didn't want it. Just because we suddenly had some unexpected privacy didn't mean we had to take advantage of it.

Except, I did want it. It's really of no consequence how long it has been. The recent issues had been addressed and the tension was subsiding. Besides, I never say no, cause there is no good reason, short of major illness to say no. It's how we communicate best and we badly needed the chance to reconnect. If we hadn't taken advantage of the unexpected privacy I would have been disappointed.

All these things ran through my mind in an instant when I realized we were actually alone in our home and would be for some time. That's also when the butterflies started stirring in my belly, quickly advancing from a slight flutter to a full on swarm in a matter of minutes. None of which I revealed to him, not that any of it would have made a difference.

He was a man on a mission. He would have preferred to see me kneeling, bent over the end of the couch, but he took into consideration my very sore knees and instead let me lay on the bed. The magic paddle was soon being swung with some considerable force. The man just does not get the concept of a warm up.

The fleece lounge pants I was wearing provided very little cushion from the swats. I felt the sting so acutely that I really did wonder why I wanted this. I struggled through the first few thinking maybe this won't work, maybe I don't want this. Then I remembered, all I have to do is relax and breath, so I did just that.

My butt was soon quite warm, at least on one side. For some reason he was very focused on the left side. I had a brief thought to ask him to even me up some, but I didn't. I remembered that how he decides to spank is not for me to say.

All too soon it seemed he was removing my lounge pants, only to discover that I actually had underwear on. Those were quickly ripped away and the paddle was back in hand and being vigorously applied. There was no longer any doubt as to why I wanted this and most definitely no question as to whether it would work or not. I was happily floating among the mists of pain turned to pleasure and was one very contented sub.

As I was floating in the haze I realized the sensation had changed. Hmmm...that's really stingy. I didn't know what he was using, but I did like it. I couldn't identify the sound of the implement he was using either. We don't have a lot of implements and usually I can tell from the sound if not the feel, but this one seemed quieter than any I remembered. Oh...a quiet implement, yay, must remember that for later use.

I could have raised my head and looked into the mirrored headboard to see what he was using, but, at that moment, I didn't care enough to do that. I didn't care enough to raise my head and look when he changed implements once again either. At that moment in time, which seemed to be standing still, all I cared about was that I was finally where I most wanted to be. Submitting to him and what he chose to give me.

Much later, after the spanking was done and we had moved on to even more satisfying activities, I found out what the mystery implement was. A plastic coat hanger, followed by the wooden spoon. That coat hanger was rather stingy, but, I did in fact, like it very much. That makes me think maybe my I'm getting over my total fear of a cane. That makes me think maybe I should do some naughty Christmas shopping.

There have been some very recent developments that may actually allow us some much needed privacy on a more regular and frequent basis. That makes us both very happy and I might even have some fun things to write about more often.

"Come Here"

Those are words I've heard a lot lately. Always in the evenings, usually when I'm all curled up in the nest I make on our bed watching TV. He's sitting on the lounge and he's placed a pillow on the floor between his feet.

It surprised me the first time he said those words to me. I didn't understand what he wanted at first. He's never asked me to sit at his feet before and it seemed a little out of character for him. I thought it a little odd, but I did it anyway.

He wasn't just flexing his dominance muscle though, he gave me a massage. I've been having a terrible time with pain in the shoulder of my dominant arm. Some days I can barely raise the arm it's so painful. That makes simple everyday things like dressing myself or doing my hair very difficult.

Musicman has extremely strong hands and he always manages to work the kinks out for me. It hurts when he's doing it, enough to take my breath away, but it helps. By the time he's done, I'm a puddle of mush at his feet.

Then his hands start to roam, encircling my throat, down my shirt to twist and tweak. The gasps are no longer from the pain, it's all about his hands and what they do to me. His mouth, so close to my ear, he starts to give directions.

He tells me exactly how he wants me to position myself. He tells me exactly what he wants me to do. He tells me exactly what he wants to see. He tells me exactly what he is going to do to me.

My world has narrowed, the only thing that penetrates the fog of pleasure, his hands roaming, his voice in my ear. I react to each direction without a moment of hesitation. My body may be sitting at his feet, but my soul is soaring through the ether.

I've discovered I like sitting at his feet.

"I Know What You Need"

We spend most of our evenings together, in our master bedroom. We just laze around at the end of a long day. Talking about our day, spent apart from each other. If I've worked that day, he listens to me vent and usually makes me laugh. I've listened so close over the years, I know more about his chosen career then some of the people he works with. It's the beginning of the day to day reconnection, a ritual we've observed for years.

It has been a really long week, so I got cleaned up and comfy early. If I wear anything, an over sized men's tank  is about it.

He sits on the lounge as I walk by. He's been quiet, I've let him be, giving him the space he needs. Though it pains me some to do that, I have faith in him.  When he's ready, he'll take what he needs.

He reaches out as I pass and pulls me close. I bury my hands in his hair as I bend to enfold him, clinging silently to the man I love. We rest for a moment, catching our breathes in each other.

He stands, I'm overwhelmed and embraced all at once. Nestled in the crook of his neck as he lifts his chin for me to plant faerie kisses.

"I know what you need." He whispers, as he slowly turns and bends me over at the same time. I hear, rather than see him pick up the leather paddle. His hand, caressing up my back as he pushes my head down and bares me at the same time.

SWAT!!!!

Oh!

Yes!

The damn breaks, the tension flows out, lessening with each subsequent blow.

Swat, swat, swat...

Swat, swat, swat....

Leather kissing skin, redness and warmth bloom.

Legs part, a wider stance a necessity for maintaining balance while losing my equilibrium.

Whack, whack, whack...

Whack, whack, whack,

Oh!

Yes!

The lady parts start to burn, as leather meets flesh and the heavens are reached.

I'm lost, a flurry of leather, striking all about my body, delicious pain, I crave it so. Give me more, I beg of you.

My body bowing, arching up on my toes, his tongue thrusting deep to drink of the wetness flowing out. The coolness of his tongue a balm to my burning flesh, soothing, yet fueling the flame.

I feel his strength as he twists and pinches at my nipples, driving me further into subspace. So sharp, so vivid, so exquisite is the pain, that pleasure explodes around me and all I can do is watch in wonder.

"Yes Sir," is all I can manage when the command comes.

I spin quickly and take him between my lips, swallowing deeply and appreciatively. Pausing, for just a moment, to fully feel his length as he hits the back of my throat.  Hands buried in my hair, I grip his hips and hang on for the ride.

to be continued...

I'll Try Anything Once

In the comments of my last post Dee, from (D) for (D)esire, offered to make me a lexan paddle if I would make her a flogger. I love my flogger and would certainly recommend it to all my friends. 

Abby at finalllyfindingme.blog suggested I say no to Dee's kind offer. She loves the flogger, but thinks the lexan should be avoided at all costs. However, tori at painspleasure.blogspot, says the lexan is yummy. Tori also points out that we are all different in what we like, so true.

My motto has always been I will try anything once, twice if it doesn't hurt too bad.  I noted in my reply to Dee that my definition of, "hurts too bad has changed lately."

I have always heard that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. I never really ventured across that line. Pain never caused me pleasure, I never sought it out.  I understood, abstractly, that some people did experience pleasure from pain.  I was not one of those people.

I don't know when I crossed the line, but it sort of feels like I didn't just cross it, but I dove so far across it that I can't even see it anymore. I might have just erased it completely, I don't know why, or when that happened. I'm not sure I care.

It certainly opens a whole new world to explore. For instance, paddles and floggers. We only have a very few implements. A hairbrush and a wooden spoon and a flogger. We both love the flogger. Between the hairbrush and the spoon, Musicman prefers to use the hairbrush. I'm not sure why he doesn't use the spoon. I like them both and wish he would use the spoon more cause it does feel different.

I love the flogger anywhere and everywhere. He is a natural with it and uses it the most. I have noticed that while I do love the flogger, I sometimes crave something different. A different kind of pain. I crave the sting of the brush or the spoon. Or, the sharp smack from his hand.  I am curious about what a lexan paddle would feel like.

That thought boggles my mind a bit. Why am I now able to differentiate types of pain? Why do I sometimes want the soft thud of the flogger or sometimes the sharp sting of wood?  Maybe this is all a happy side effect of menopause. If it is going to make me moody, bitchy and weepy it might as well give me more oppurtunities to experience pleasure. Yeah, that sounds good, let's go with that!!

Sweet Tooth

My thoughts have been swirling all morning. I've been cleaning and dancing around the house hoping they would come together. My house is sparkly clean, not so sure about the thoughts though. This post may just ramble on with no definite point...oh well.

The last week or so has been pretty much D/s free. The little stumble that sent me crashing revealed an issue that we needed to address. This issue's outcome is not totally in our control, but we have acknowledged it and are doing what we can to deal with the situation. I'm counting that as progress.

I missed the D/s. I was starting to crave it. I wanted to feel his control. I wanted to feel the pain.

Last night it came roaring back in the most delicious ways. Ways so delicious they left me a boneless pile of mush. I want to bottle that feeling so I can have it anytime I want. I know me, I'd want it all the time.

He did something last night that surprised me and from what he said afterward he acted on instinct and it surprised him a little too. It was not something I would have ever asked him to do, never even considered it.

I loved it. That surprises me too.  I hope he does it again. That doesn't surprise me.

It does make me think a lot about limits though. Clearly, I'm not good with limits. I see boundaries as a challenge. Can I cross them? Can I push them? I know me, I'll push them.

The physical part of D/s is new for us. I don't know what my limits are. I'm still working on processing the fact that my brain now experiences pain as pleasure. This hasn't always been true.

In some ways it's almost like being in a different body. It craves things it never wanted before. It reacts positively to stimuli that in the past it didn't. It confuses me, I don't know me anymore.

How do I know what my limits are when everything seems so foreign? On first blush I would answer that by saying Musicman knows my limits. But really how could he? If I don't know them, how could he?

What I do know is that I can trust Musicman, he has much better control then I will ever have. I've always known that and I think that is why it is so easy for me to accept his control. I'm safe there.

When I look at the possibilities of where this journey may take us, I feel kinda like a kid in a candy store.  It all looks so good, I want to taste every last piece of it. If left to my own devices I would run around shoving it all in my mouth at once. There are two things I can see that are wrong with that: you don't get the full flavor of anything that way, and, you make yourself sick.

Musicman has a sweet tooth, he also has much more discerning tastes then I do.  He won't let the pretty colors and the sweet smells intoxicate him. He's in control and that makes me feel safe. I'm content letting him choose the candy for me to taste.

                                                                                  

Playtime and the After Effects

Yesterday afternoon we took some time to play. It started with a nice leg massage for me. I have a bad knee on one side and a bad hip on the other, my thigh muscles get very tight. Musicman has the strongest hands, it was heavenly, though his hands are getting soft from not working and I miss the callouses. Strange, I know, but I love his callouses, I think it is the contrast against the softness of my skin and the roughness of his hands. I believe I was purring by the time he was done.

I had been laying on my back on the lounge for the massage, my legs were soon up in the air and the hairbrush had come into play. The diaper position is nice for access to the thighs, yep I like my thighs spanked. Strange, I know. This particular position also provides easy access to the lady parts, yep, I like being spanked there too. The brush handle is nicely designed for that use.

When his tongue started in on the aforementioned spanked lady parts I know the top of my head blew off, lol. Before we were done I think I was standing on my head, my back arched so high. I wanted closer, I wanted more. I was reduced to quivering incoherent begging with the need for him.

He is such a gentlemen he gave me everything I begged for.

During a conversation afterwards we were discussing was I a good girl or was I a bad girl. I like the conclusion we came to, and that is: I'm a girl who is really good at being very bad.

Shortly after that conversation I found myself on my knees at his feet, showing him exactly how good I am at being bad. Yep, that little heart pillow is coming in very handy.

I'm going to miss our afternoon play times so much when he goes back to work.

I fell asleep last night with the lingering after effects of the afternoon.  By this morning the physical effects were gone. No bruises this time thank goodness, though I do find it cute that he likes to check frequently for bruising.

I've always heard it said that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. I'm not sure when or how, but my brain has definitely crossed that line. That is the physical benefit of spanking, at least for me. It's also the reason why it would never work as a discipline tool for me.

Then there is the mental and emotional benefit. Feeling his control, whether it is in the form of spanking or him pulling my hair while he fucks my face, or even when he states something as opposed to asking or suggesting, it flips a switch in my head. There is an instant change in mindset for me. I feel so contented, so fulfilled. Like everything is right with the world, and even when Rat intrudes and tells me it's not, it doesn't bother me.

I guess that is what is known as a submissive mindset, I don't know why, unless it's because it seems to require an external dominant influence to achieve. I really don't care what it is called, I just know I like it a lot.

We had a lazy day today just hanging out together watching the snow fall. The mindset lingers today, fueled by the casual swats and dominant remarks. I don't know why I feel so soft and giggly at these times, and I don't really care, I just know I like it a lot.