Another One Bite's The Dust...or...Happy New Year

I'm not much of a writer. This blog is the only journal I've kept up with for more then a few days. I'm also not one to look back much, I tend to focus on what's ahead instead of what's behind. Most likely that's because so often when I looked back it was painful for me.

Then I met Musicman and my life changed, for the better. We lay in bed sometimes, in the dark of night, or in the early morning hours, and I ask him the hard questions. Are you happy? Do we have a good life? I know what my answers are, but I want to hear his. I need to know his.

I'm thrilled to say, his answers usually match mine. We are happy, we have a good life. That's really what is most important to me. What's important to us. We've faced our challenges over the years, but we've always come out the other side stronger for them.

I've looked back over my posts and thought back about the year past. It started a bit rough, with him in the hospital. As I sat in that waiting room all by myself, and I needed some one to share with and someone to support me, I posted his progress, and ya'll were there for me. I'm so grateful for that, so grateful for finding this community.

I started a new job and then quit when it wasn't a good fit. I started another new job, and then after a few months took a new position within that organization. I struggled with the women I work with, cause I don't really understand why people have to be so judgemental and mean. He's been there to support me and spank me when needed. You've all been there for me too, when I needed to vent. That means more to me then I can express.

Our son, our baby, moved out, we adjusted to an empty nest with nary a hitch in the program. This was our original goal after all.  We filled our time playing until our hearts content. Our daughter struggled, and moved back in. Empty nest gone, privacy, gone. We'll figure it out as we go along.

As I look back at this year, the challenges we've met, I know it hasn't been as bad as some in our past. I'm grateful for that. I don't know what the New Year will bring, but I do know, I can face anything, as long as I have him by my side.

He is my reward, my prize and my salvation. He takes me to heights I've never dreamed of or imagined. I love him with the deepest depths of my soul. I happily look forward to whatever challenges the new year brings. With him at my side I can conquer anything.

We will celebrate the new year as we usually do, connecting with each other, in the most basic of ways. We started some time ago, it's become a tradition. We end the old year and start the new one as we intend to carry on throughout. We connect, soul touching soul, it's a truly beautiful thing.

Through the Looking Glass

When our daughter moved back in with us she didn't bring a lot of stuff, but too much stuff for the room she is in. One of the things she brought that never made it up to the room is a large mirror. She didn't need it in the room as the closet doors in that room are mirrored. It's also quite heavy, so it is currently located in our living room, leaning up against a wall. It's the mirror I used to take the self pics I posted a few posts back.

A week or so ago Musicman commented that it might be fun to play in front of the mirror. Sounded good to me, but privacy has been an issue. Neither of us want to be in the middle of playtime and have our daughter come home, especially since she usually has her boyfriend with her. She had the weekend off of work and decided to spend it with him at his place. I made sure to ask before she left if she planned be home that night. She said no. I did mention to Musicman that we would have the house to ourselves.

After a long day of errands and chores, we settled in to watch a movie, then some dinner and showers for both of us. I've learned not to anticipate playtime too much, cause that way I'm not disappointed if it doesn't happen. I was lounging on the bed in one of Musicman's favorite silk nighties when he got out of the shower. When he went around to the far side of the bed to retrieve the leather paddle from the headboard, the butterflies in my tummy came to life.

He came back around the bed and pulled me up and into his arms. I snuggled in and buried my head in his neck as he started swatting me. Every so often he'd back me up a bit, pull down the top of my nightie and give the girls some attention with the paddle also. Then he'd pull me back in and start again on my backside. A few rounds of that and I was starting to experience jelly legs. I didn't think I was going to be able to remain upright too much longer.

Suddenly he stopped swatting me, reached for my shoulders and turned me towards the bedroom door. Hunh? Coherent thought was not possible for me at that moment. One word, cleared up my confusion though, "downstairs", is all he said. As I think back on it, it was kinda comical. As I started to walk I sorta bounced off walls as I zig zagged my way through the hallway and down the stairs. Musicman followed me swatting the whole way.

He placed the padded footstool directly in front of the mirror and instructed me to bend over. Of course I did. I think the image of myself bent over the stool, him standing next to me, holding my head up with a firm grip on my pony tail and paddling me will be forever burned into my brain. He alternated between my rather ample backside and my lady parts, all while I watched in the mirror. When my head would start to droop he would reach for my pony tail again and pull it back up so I had to look.

I don't know how long he paddled me. Long enough for my butt to feel the burn oh so nicely, along with the lady parts. I was lost in a haze of sensation and  just as the jelly legs started to get critical he stopped. He pulled me back up, turned me towards the stairs and gave me a swat to get me going. Again, I bounced off the walls as he followed me up, swatting all the way.

When we arrived in the bedroom, he started issuing directions again. I did everything I was directed, cause when I'm in that head space I always do. Several orgasms later I finally collapsed on the lounge in a heap, the jelly legs had spread to encompass my entire body. I love that feeling.

I'm seriously considering trying to talk our daughter out of that mirror when she moves out.

Finally...He let me...

... wear my do me boots out of the house.

We had been invited to see Doc's band play last night. We don't go out all that much anymore, but we always enjoy going to see Doc play. I debated all day about what to wear. I really wanted to wear my white jean mini skirt(totally rocks wth the boots), but I didn't think I would get that past Musicman. Plus, there's a foot of snow on the ground and temp's below freezing, kinda makes a mini skirt a bit impractical. Of course, 4" stiletto heels aren't very practical either in that kind of weather, but sometimes it's just too much fun being impractical.

Instead, I chose some jean leggings and a cap sleeve, tunic style sweater. I hurried home after work to get ready. My thought was, if he saw me all dressed and ready to go, I might get away with it. He liked it and I did get to wear them. Walking through the snow in them was a bit of a challenge, but Musicman helped me with that. Once we got inside, they were very easy to walk, or should I say strut in. With boots like those you can't help but strut.

Musicman is a very possesive man, and he see's me as his most valuable possesion. I've know this from the very beginning, though it did take a few years to accept. Over the years friends have tried to talk him into letting me wear certain things(a black bathing suit I owned when we met, comes to mind), but no luck.

He never cared who said what, including me, I was his and he doesn't share. That's what he always says anyway. That hasn't changed, but something has. I think what has changed is the fact that I now acknowledge and even revel in the fact that I am his possesion. If he had said no, that I couldn't wear the boots, I would have taken them off. I have another pair that have a sensible heel and stop below the knee that would have worked with my outfit too.

I'm so happy he didn't say no, the boots were a big hit and the topic of many a conversation throughout the night. Yes, I'm a bit of an attention whore, I admit that. One thing I noticed last night, and the last time we went out to see Doc play, is that we must exude some kind of under current. An undercurrent of our dynamic apparently. Ya see, I'm used to getting stared at, and receiving compliments from other men. Musicman doesn't like that at all, and I don't encourage them.

Men still stare at me, but they no longer compliment me. They compliment him, about me. It's a little weird to be sitting right there and have other men tell Musicman how hot I am, or that they want to do his wife. The shit eating grin that Musicman gets on his face when they say those things is pretty hilarious too.

Would Chocolate Help?

I'm feeling a bit scattered today, kinda sluggish and low energy. Subdrop, I suppose. Considering the intensity and frequency we have been playing lately, I'm not surprised. I actually expected it yesterday, which is why I kept myself busy. I've found it helps me to work through it if I stay busy.

Today I feel like an addict looking for her next fix. The bubble of submissiveness and contentment I've been living in is thinning and I don't want it to break. I like how it insulates me from the world, nothing negative can reach me there. I want to lose myself in the safety and innocence of his Dominance.

I want to wallow in the freedom, letting my thoughts wander, unhindered, wherever they may go. I want to lose myself in the memories that evoke such strong physical reactions. I want to feed all the desires that seem to suddenly be so far away.

I try to reason with myself. It's only been one day since we played last. It's only sex. In the over all scheme of things, this isn't all that important. The problem with that is, I don't really believe myself. In the over all scheme of things, it is just sex, but that's important to me. Maybe, more important then it should be.

Of course, it's not just about the sex, it's about the Dominance and the pain. I crave those things sometimes. The dominance is always there, but I feel it most strongly when it comes with the pain, which for us, leads to more. It's that wonderful combination of sexual satisfaction combined with the submissive mindset that comes from the pain and the Dominance that I crave.

I have realized that the more I get those things, the more I want them. It's become an insatiable need. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just know I don't like this in between feeling. Which seems so silly, what grown women can't handle going a few days without a spanking or sex?

Do ya 'spose chocolate would help?

Sex Coma

I'm feeling a bit stuck. Stuck in a sex coma. We haven't spent much time focusing on the holidays. It's just been too difficult this year. Too difficult to decorate and shop and bake and plan. I don't think I fully realized how much I was ignoring the holidays until I wrote about it in my last post. He did though.

What I do know is that ignoring all those things about the holidays left us with plenty of time and energy. Time and energy to play, and play we have. We've only missed one day in the last week and half. We've made up for it by playing multiple times some days. We've poured all our energy into connecting with each other.

Spankings have occurred on an almost daily basis. I've been spanked with the magic paddle and the leather paddle. He's spanked my ass, my pussy and the girls, repeatedly.  He's sucked me and fucked me until I couldn't see straight. I'm certainly not walking straight, nor sitting easily.

Baby...can I suck your cock? I've asked that more times then I can count in the last few days. I've felt the need to connect, that's how I connect. I've licked and sucked him in deep, then retreated to lick again. I've tasted him on my tongue and worn him on my skin. A badge of honor, in my opinion, I've earned the right to to wear it.

The holidays aren't about religion for us, they're about family. Circumstances have reduced our family to just the two of us. We've taken advantage of that. We've played and played and played some more. We've connected in the most primal, basic of ways. I've needed that.

He's given me the most exquisite pain and the most unimaginable pleasures. It's mind blowing. I've begged for more and melted in satisfaction. The kind of gift he gives, can't be bought. The kind of gift he gives, can't be wrapped. The kind of gift he gives, isn't saved just for the holidays. He gives me this gift year round.

I get 6 holidays a year. Six reasons to celebrate. That's what society says anyway. What does society know? I have him every day of the year. That's reason enough to celebrate every day.

Christmas Memories

Christmas, in general is a difficult time of year for me. So many conflicting emotions sparked by memories, both good and bad.

As a child I was terribly torn about Christmas. It came with plenty of gifts, what kid doesn't love those? But it presented a challenge of another kind for me too. Holidays as a child did not include visits with extended family or trips to Grandma's house. No, holidays at my house were just my parents, siblings and myself. My most powerful memories of holidays as a child were trying to find a way to escape notice, stay out of the line of fire, and get through them unscathed. It seemed to me like I was the only kid in the world that looked forward to Janaury 2, so I could go back to school.

Then there were the years I was alone. They were peaceful times, but also very lonely. The only gifts I received were the obligatory Secret Santa gifts from co-workers. I didn't decorate, or put up a tree, or bake cookies, or plan special meals. Within the walls of my apartment, Christmas didn't exist. The best gift I received during those times, was knowing that even though I was alone, I was safe.

Then I met Musicman, we had been dating less then 2 months when our first Christmas rolled around. He took me to his Grandmother's house. Well, he tried, but it was blizzarding out, and his car died half way there. His Dad came and picked us up, quite the way to meet your future father-in-law for the first time.

I remember so clearly, getting to the house, walking in, all noise stopped as dozens of eyes turned to look at me. I didn't want to go in, I wanted to run the other way, as fast and as far as I could. Needless to say, Musicman didn't let me do that, I can still remember his hand on my back, gently pushing me through the door.  It was a bit overwhelming, meeting all these people for the first time. It was also the first time I had the chance to see what a normal family holiday was like. I was hooked.

We spent many a year going to his family's home on holidays. They were hectic, but filled with love, warmth and affection. They were the holidays I had dreamed of as a child and thought I'd never have. Our daughter was 8 months old her first Christmas. I didn't want to put up a tree. I thought it was too much work and she wasn't old enough to remember. That was not acceptable to my Father-in-law. He got us a tree and lights and ornaments from his Mother, Musicman's grandmother. When I got home from work, it was all up and decorated. I realized how wrong I had been.

Thirteen years ago, caught up in the hecticness of preparing for Christmas with 2 small children, we received a call that would change not only our lives, but the holidays too. We got the call that the organ Musicman needed to stay alive and healthy was available. We were on the road to the hospital, 2 hours away within a half hour. The next 2 weeks were a blurr of of stress and worry. I worried about Musicman and his recovery, I worried about my kids who weren't with us. They were back home with his family.

He was determined he would be home for Christmas with the kids. Against medical advice, we drove home through a blizzard on Christmas Eve. He was so sick Christmas day, he couldn't get out of bed, but we were home and things were as good as we could make them for our kids. We left the day after Christmas to go back the hospital for another week of treatment before coming home to stay.

The intervening years have been ones of great loss, so many family members are now gone. There is no more going to Grandma's house on Christmas Eve, no more of my father-in-law's homemade egg nog with just the right amount of rum. No more Christmas day at Great Grandma's house surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins. There is no more eating too much, drinking too much and loading overtired kids into a car stuffed too full with presents. I miss it.

We did our best over the years to make our own traditions and give our kids great holiday memories. I think we succeeded, but I'm not sure. I was so looking forward to Christmas last year. I planned to bake, and decorate and get the best presents for everyone. I wanted to start to bring back some of the traditions that death had stolen from us. It didn't work out that way.

Musicman was once again in the hospital, this time at least, it was a hospital close to home. The operation he underwent saved his life and ensured that he would be here with me for many more Christmases to come. But, it wiped out Christmas last year. I just didn't have the time for anything other then caring for him while he recovered. Our kids were old enough to understand, but it still seemed unfair to them.

This year, I didn't have the heart to do Christmas. It just seems like every time I try to get it back on track and plan something special to mark the holidays that something bad happens. I didn't want anything bad to happen, so I've ignored the holidays this year. There is no tree, or decorations. I've not bought a single present, or sent any Christmas cards.

I did find a recipe for egg nog that is similar to the one my father-in-law made. I will be baking Musicman's favorite cookies today. That's all he asked for when we talked about what to do for the holidays. I'll work for a few hours tomorrow morning, but after that, it will just be Musicman and I. We will celebrate quietly, we'll drink some egg nog and eat some cookies and maybe share our favorite memories of Christmases past. When the pain of what we no longer have becomes too much, we'll turn to each other for comfort and be grateful for everything we still do have.

Happy Holidays

                                HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!!!!!

 

Photo by Allen Teger

 

I love this man's photos. I find them to be a unique and intriguing view of the female anatomy. If you are interested in seeing more, click here to check them out.

 

 

I was browsing through some of the galleries and found two pics that aren't of the female anatomy. Here's one that highlights the male anatomy. It's not holiday related, but I found it amusing and thought I'd share.

 

 

 

 

 Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

 

 

 

I have my voice back!!!

My computer is back from the hospital and appears to be all fixed. Yay! I have my voice back. Now, if I could just find my mind, lol. They had to wipe it and reload it, so I lost some stuff, but nothing I can't live without. Hey, maybe that would help my mind too. There are a few programs that I will download again, soon, but that can wait a few days. I'm just so happy to have it back and be able to read and write again.

This whole experience with my computer has been, for me, an interesting look at how D/s works for us in our everyday lives. It highlighted a couple of different issues really. One is the fact that Musicman doesn't really understand how important it is to me. My computer, that it is, not D/s.  He voiced more then once the fact that he didn't understand why I was so sad about it not working.

I explained every time that it isn't the computer, it's the friends that live in my computer that I can't connect with that makes me sad. This is one of those glaring differences between us that neither really gets, but we both accept. He has never really understood my need to connect with other people. Other then a few chosen close friends and family, he doesn't have that need. I would even go so far as to say that the only thing about TTWD that he finds in any way odd or unusual, is my need to talk about it.

He worked on it quite a bit over the last few weeks, trying to get it fixed. I'm so grateful for that. He didn't have to spend his evenings after work and time on his day off doing that. He even spent hours working on it during football games, something I would never have asked him to do.  He did it because, even though he doesn't understand my need to connect with others, he accepts it. He knew it was important to me, so it became important to him too. That's pretty cool when you think about it.

Something happened when I took my computer to be fixed that highlighted another aspect for me. Ya see, I had a moment. I was standing at the counter talking to the computer guy, other people were also there being helped. There was a bit of noise, but nothing too distracting. The guy told me how much it was going to cost to diagnose and fix my computer. It was significantly different from what they had told me over the phone. It was significantly more money then I would ever spend without checking with Musicman first. I had a moment of panic, because Musicman wasn't there for me to discuss it with.

In that moment, everything went quiet, except for the man being helped next to me. Everyone in the area clearly heard him say he was looking for something to put on his computer to catch his wife cheating. That simple statement set off a firestorm of thoughts that rained down on me so quickly, all I really got were emotional impressions.  But, it was enough to jar me out of my moment of paralization and make a decision. I'm happy to say, when I told Musicman about it, he said he would have made the same decision. That made me feel so much better.

It's not that I can't make decisions about how to spend money, I just usually don't. That's his job, not mine. It's not something I ever really thought of as submissive, it's just the way it works for us. We have very different thoughts and feelings about money and how it should be handled. I willingly let him handle all of it.

I, for one, have absolutely no interest in money. If I could figure out how to survive without it, I would. I have always worked and contributed monetarily to our family, but I hate having to manage it. My paycheck is direct deposited and my pay stub comes in the mail, I never look at them. I have a separate account, for use with my kindle and online purchases, he monitors it for me for problems.

He handles the day to day management of the finances and if I want something, I ask for it. I don't specifically ask for every little thing. I'm free to spend as I see fit, within reason. We don't have any problems deciding what "within reason" means to either of us. In fact, I'd say that I define it more strictly then he does. That's because I appreciate the fact that major purchases and how our money is managed are his choice. It gives me the freedom from worrying about it. On the surface it looks like financial submission, maybe it is, I don't know. What I do know is, it's what I want and what works for us. That moment, yesterday, made me realize how much I've come to depend on it, on him.

So, in conclusion, I'm baaaaaack!!! I'll be spending time over the next few days, barring work and holiday commitments, getting caught up with everyone. Reconnecting with all my friends. Many thanks to you all for hanging in there with me through all the whiny posts.

All I can Do Is...SIGH!!!

It's late at night as I sit here at his computer. I shouldn't be sitting here, it will cause me pain. I don't care much about the pain right now. I can't sleep, I'm feeling a bit lost.

So much on my mind and yet, no focus to write. Part of that is because I haven't been able to write, read, or comment. That should be fixed soon. He finally agreed to let me take my computer to get fixed. I deleted all the stuff he didn't want  anyone to see and tomorrow it goes to the computer hospital for a virusectomy or whatever else it needs. Hopefully, it doesn't take too long to recover.

This is not the best time of year for me and not being able to write has only made things worse. Of course, if I want to feel like my problems are insignificant, all I need to do is turn on the news. I see heartbreak everywhere.

Young men in pain, young children dying. A society with it's head buried in the sand. People are hurting and we turn them away because they can't pay. This makes me so sad. We don't pay attention until something really bad happens. We ask ourselves why, but no answer is to be had. The answer is allusive, it's different for everyone. We talk about a solution, but come to no conclusions.

I'm on overload and feel no relief in sight. That's nothing to do with him. He remains stalwart and strong. Cirumstances being what they are, he's doing pretty damn good. Life just gets complicated sometimes. All I can do is sigh...sigh.

Something I've Never Done Before

Wanna play a game?

Wow, that's some wild kinda hair!

If you look real close you can see some of my ink.

Daisy dukes and do me boots!

He won't let me wear these boots out of the house!

I have no idea why!

Hmmmm....is that a leather paddle?

Wonder what could be in my future?


Things here in my world are a bit of a mess. My computer isn't working at all well. I'm frustrated.  Writing has helped me so much and I feel as if  I've been silenced.  I can't really read or comment and am feeling a bit lost. I miss my friends and the opportunity to join the conversation.  It feels like I have no voice. I don't like that much, but, it's a reality I have to deal with for the moment.

My back is just starting to calm down, but every day life takes priority over writing. I have to live my life, not just write about it. I can't do both right now without debilitating pain. That's not a good thing.  The good part is playtime helps the pain go away. Thank goodness that continues uninterrupted.

Issues with the kids remain front and center. Being a Mom sucks sometimes. My kids continue to break my heart.  I continue to hang strong and when I feel weak I turn to Musicman for help. I'm grateful that he always has my back.

Experience tells me, we will get through this. I just don't don't know where it will leave us. Undoubtedly, stronger for having survived. I'm grateful for that.




  

 

Women

I'm a woman. I love being a woman. The only thing about men I envy is their ability to pee standing up. It seems so much easier: unzip, flip it out, pee, shake, tuck, your done. What's not to envy about that? So much easier then trying to manage layers of underclothing and hover at the same time.

Being a woman has it's downsides. Monthly menstrual cycles, migraines and debilitating cramps come to mind. Flying hormones, racing thoughts and the need to care for every one in my atmosphere come to mind. Yet, I wouldn't give up being a woman for anything in this world. After all, the fact that I can have multiple orgasms is nothing to sneeze at. We'll talk about subspace later.

Women confound me, I just don't understand them. I have spent my entire career surrounded by women. They disgust me. They bitch. They whine. They moan. I don't understand this. What is the point of wasting your energy doing those things? Why is the energy not focused on finding a solution to the problem?

These women are bitter, they spew negative energy in waves. They are painful to be around and make me ashamed to be a woman.  I spend all my energies trying to protect myself from them. Though I'm forced to work with them, I interact with them as little as possible. I bury myself in my work and get through the day by keeping busy. They criticize me for that. I ignore them.

I also observe, and I've  noticed one thing over the years about these women. These women don't have a strong partner in their lives. Someone they can connect with, someone who builds them up and gives them the strength to face the day. Someone who feeds her soul.

It's not about equality. I don't want to be a man. I don't want to do it all, by myself. I want the partner that will shore up my weaknesses. I want the partner that fills my needs. I want the partner that covers all my flaws, has my back. I want a partner that gives and takes, because sometimes I need to be taken.

For that partner, I will shore up his weaknesses. For that partner, I will fill his needs. I will cover all his flaws, I will have his back, For that partner, I will give and take, whatever he needs.


I'm so grateful that after a long day spent with women, I have a strong partner to come home to.


A quick update: My computers dead, my back is in spasms and I miss talking with ya'll so much. You aren't like these women that piss me off. You get it, and I appreciate that. We're still working on it, hopefully soon we will have some good luck with it.

Confusion a Catalyst for Change

Sex is a funny thing, it can involve our deepest emotions or no emotions at all. It has the power to devastate and wound, or to build trust and enable growth. My earliest experiences devastated and wounded me. My recent experiences have built trust and provided me opportunities for growth.

Dominance and submission can be a part of sex or nothing at all to do with it. It's been a mix for me. D/s outside the bedroom has been an integral part of my relationship for my entire relationship, it just works for us. Introducing D/s into the bedroom has been a way for us to explore ourselves and each other.

It's opened doors I never even thought to stand in front of, much less go through. Contemplating a threesome is just one of those doors that D/s has brought me too. It's open and we are standing at that threshold together. I find that awesome and comforting all at the same time.

If we should choose to take a step forward, it will be done together. It is something I would likely do to please him. To fulfill his fantasies, if that's what he really wants. It's not something I ever worry about him forcing me into in any way.  That's not what D/s is about for us, it's about freedom.

I've found freedom in D/s, it's a dynamic that feels natural and normal for me. It represents a side of myself that for one reason or another I often suppressed. I no longer have any reason to do that and I'm loving it. Not only do I get to be more authentically me, but so does he. I know he has suppressed some of his naturally dominant inclinations in the past and I know much of that is because of me. He no longer has any reason to do that.

I sometimes find the things he proposes confusing, but confusion in this instance isn't necessarily a bad thing. In this instance it is a catalyst for growth, never a bad thing.  I do tend to be an over thinker, and this topic has been no exception. I'm just grateful I have some place to come and work through the confusion.

I have no idea where this fantasy of his will take us, he may not know for sure either. That's okay, it's something we will figure out together to both of our satisfaction. At this point, we are at the very beginning of that road and aren't in any hurry to traverse it.  We're going to take our time, maybe some side trips to check out the scenery, or points of interest. The journey really is more fun then the destination and we travel well together. 

New and Confused

My computer is still not fixed, but I'm coping as best I can for the moment. Everyone seems quite interested in this new direction he sometimes takes things. I mentioned briefly in a previous post that he has begun narrating very detailed scenarios during playtime. Scenarios that have made me think of things, want things, that I've never thought about or wanted before. He doesn't do it all the time, just on occasion, but it is becoming more frequent.

I"ll admit that these scenarios definitely turn me on some, but they also confuse me, for many reasons. The first time he did it I was surprised, but once I thought about it more I realized I shouldn't have been. I've actually known about these fantasies of his for most of our relationship. I just never paid them all that much attention, cause they never seemed doable to me.

His fantasy, the detailed narratives he gives me, are scenarios involving a third person. Sometimes it's another guy, but most often it's another woman. The man has a slight obsession with seeing me with another woman. As I said, I've known about this for a long time but never paid it much attention and never considered it as something he might actually want to pursue.

He says he likes the idea of me being with two men, but that it will never happen because he doesn't want to get his junk that close to another guys. His words, not mine. I've never been with more then one man at a time, and never really wanted too. It's not like I haven't had the opportunity in the past, I just never took it. But, the way he describes it, in detail, when he's got me all worked up?  Ummm...yeah, it so works for me.

There is one problem with that though. I've been monogamous for almost three decades now. I haven't even thought about the possibility of being with anyone other then him in so long. Realistically, I don't think I could do it. I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one, but there is no urge or thought at all about being with them. Unless of course, I count Trace Adkins and Tony Stewart, I'd do either one of them in a heartbeat. That's also rather easy to say since chances of that actually ever happening are slim to none.

Then there are the times he talks about me being with a woman. I got big issues with that one. I'm not sexually attracted to women in any way. I've never even kissed a female, ever. Yet, he has very detailed scenarios that he shares with me, and they do seem to turn me on, in the moment. In the light of day, when I think back over it, can't even imagine it. Have I mentioned that I'm finding this all quite confusing?

We've had some great talks about it. When I express doubts, he assures me this is just a fantasy, that it won't really ever happen. Yeah...I'm not so sure I believe that. First of all, I would like for him to be able to fulfill his fantasies. Doing this for him is a strong pull for me, and what happens if I actually get to a place where I can imagine something like this happening?

Judging from the amount of detail he gives, this is something he has thought quite a bit about. I'm just flat out confused about the whole situation. I like it when he does it, which is occurring more and more often, but it raises a lot of questions for me. Unfortunately, I'm not really finding any answers to my questions.

Tidbits from a Frustrated Lurker

Yep, I'm the frustrated lurker. My computer is still not working right. Musicman spent quite a bit of time working on it Sunday. It's no better, in fact, it's worse. I can't access my e-mail or blogger or facebook any more. That's about all I use my computer for, so, I'm a bit lost without it. It frustrates me, and the urge to toss it into a wall is almost too much.

I can use Musicman's computer, but my time on it is limited. Plus, it's a desktop computer. That means I have to sit on a hard chair, which aggravates a back condition and leaves me in quite a bit of pain. Not the good kind of pain either. Plus, his keyboard is kinda gross. I want my laptop back. Any suggestions on how to fix it would be greatly appreciated.

I had an interesting weekend. One filled with weird kinda things, at least for me. We had Musicman's work Christmas party Saturday night. He told me I couldn't wear, my "do me" boots. He said, "the crowd is too vanilla for them."

It was a vanilla crowd, a bunch of redneck farmers really, yet, there was one man who decided he could disguise grabbing my ass by body slamming me into the bar. I guess that's what I get for wearing a mini skirt. It surprised me just a little bit because no one ever really messes with me when we are out. Musicman is usually on guard for those kind of things. He holds me close and makes sure everyone knows I'm his possession.

We finished the night with some wonderful playtime involving the magic paddle. Sunday morning started with a blowjob for him. So, when later I wasn't feeling very well, I really thought it was subdrop. Turns out it was the flu and I've just gotten out of bed after being sick for 2 1/2 days.

Musicman informed me last night that we could have gone to the strip club with some of his vanilla co-workers after the party. I admit to being happy that we chose to come to home and play, but, I do wonder about going to a strip club.

I've never been to one and admit to being somewhat curious about them. Musicman always says he's not interested in going to a club where he has to pay for the privilege of having a woman dance for him or show him her tits when he can get that for free at home. The fact that he says this to me while fondling me in front of the mirror just reinforces that. However, I would love the chance to dance on a pole. I think that might be the real reason he won't take me to a strip club.

Friday night featured a different direction he is taking things. One I haven't written much about yet, because, I'm still trying to digest all of it. It's a direction that I should have seen coming, but chose to ignore over the years. He's expanding my horizons, but confusing me at the same time.

I'd like to write more, explore more in this direction he is taking us, but, computer issues prevent that. Hopefully soon I will get my computer fixed and can explore that some more. Until then I will continue to  lurk and write when I can and hope ya'll understand.

Part 2...or A Talented Man

One of the things I've realized about subspace is, while my own orgasms are absolutely glorious, it's his I crave. I want to taste his cum and wear it on my body, marking me as his. I can cum endlessly, and it's wonderful, but true satisfaction is only achieved when I get his cum.

This makes me ripe for cockworship and I pounce on him with single minded determination. Usually he lets me have my way and his lovely cock receives all of my attention. He surprised me the other night when after just a few minutes of furious facefucking he grabbed my hair and pulled me off him.

It seems he wasn't much in the mood to let me have my way. However, he was in the mood to talk, in fact he had been talking the whole time I had been working away at his cock. Asking me questions, questions designed to remind me exactly who I belong too. Given that my mouth was full my answers were little more then grunts and groans. He wanted more, he wanted to hear me say I am his.

That's what precipitated him pulling me off him. When I didn't answer fast enough or he had to repeat the question it was accompanied by a light, yet effective, slap. It didn't take but a few slaps before I was answering his questions and declaring myself his cocksucking cumslut.

I've not really written much about the slapping, mostly because other than to say I love it I don't have anything to say about it. I especially love it when he slaps me while I'm blowing him. It takes a talented man to slap the face of the woman who has his cock firmly in her mouth. He's a talented man.

I strained towards him, but his hand buried firmly in my hair kept me just far enough away that I could only flick at him with my tongue. I begged, but he wasn't listening to me. When he ordered me to my knees saying he wanted to fuck me, I was actually a bit disappointed but I did as ordered.

The next orgasm hit me as he slid in to the hilt on the first thrust. His words penetrated the haze of lust only sporadically, but when they did they served to drive me higher. Several orgasms later I almost missed it when he ordered me back to his cock, the absence of which in my clenching pussy a sure indication that the agenda had changed again.

I didn't need any orders from him on what to do with his beautiful cock, dripping with my own juices, as he pressed it to my lips. I took him hungrily and this time despite the hand in my hair or the slaps, I didn't stop. I couldn't, I was a woman possessed, a woman who knew what she wanted and wouldn't stop until she got it.

Turns out he didn't really want me to stop, he just wanted to control the timing, which he did very well. As he got closer and closer to blowing his load I increased the pace, but he kept pulling me back, setting the pace where he wanted it. When he was ready and with a sharp yank of my hair he pulled out and shot all over my face and mouth. He was right when he said he knew what I needed.

I fell into the bed sated, sore and one gloriously happy faerie. I was totally spent and ready to drop off to sleep when the next order came. Unfortunately, I have a christmas party to get ready for and don't have the time right now to tell you what that order was, but it was fun.

I'm still having computer issues. I can't post from my own computer, so I write it on mine then use Musicman's to post it. It also won't let me comment most of the time, which is really frustrating me. Musicman said he would look at it tomorrow, so hopefully soon I will be back for real. I miss not being able to comment, to join the conversation and visit with all my kinky friends.