Comfortablly Numb

I know I've been a bit MIA lately, life has just been so hectic. And, to be honest, just a bit easier if I don't take the time to examine it. That's why I haven't written in so long, even though I know writing is a good thing for me. The crux of the issue is that I am really just so much better at taking care of everyone else than I am myself.

The grandbaby is 14 months old now. She is absolutely freakin adorable, yet totally exhausting. Things have changed recently that have necessitated me taking on a more active role in her care. Couple that with the fact that, instead of work lightening up as it usually does this time of year, it is ramping up and life becomes one big ground hog's day.

Musicman is also working more hours at work and side jobs every weekend. He just can't ever say no when people call and ask for help. My phone has been ringing constantly lately. I love that about him, until it becomes so overwhelming that he no longer has time for me. He hasn't had time for me in a couple months now and I haven't had the time, energy or interest in fighting for more.

Sad but true, kink has been all but forgotten and sex, even in the vanilla form, has gone from about every other day to once every 2 weeks. Most days it's all we can do to fall into bed together and hold hands while we drift off to sleep.

It's just part of the natural ebb and flow of life. We've been together 29 years and I've seen and experienced this pattern before. I know it will pass with time. We won't wait too much longer, hopefully, to reclaim each other. We never do.

In the mean time, Mother Nature has dumped a foot of snow on us in a twelve hour period, with more to come. Ugh, other than Christmas Eve, I hate snow. I'm a hothouse flower, caught in the middle of a white out that will last for the next several months. I find the absence of color in my life somewhat depressing.

We are ramping up for the holidays and I'm not sure when I will be able to come up for a breath. I've not given a thought as to when kink may come back into my life. I miss it, but, it's not a huge problem either. I'm really just comfortably numb right now and that's okay, for the moment.

Caught in His Web

Sometimes, the urge, the need, to write, is overwhelming. Those are usually the times that my thoughts are so scrambled they aren't going to make much sense. The times that I can't even begin to grasp a tail and hang on until the logical end.  Cause there really is no logical end.

My mind bombards me:
objectification,
slave,
orgasm denial,

yes,
yes,
yes.

"Then why", asks my ever curious mind, "if I want it so much, does it make me feel so bad?"

Granted...I'm getting much better in dealing with it, but I still feel as if I have a long row to hoe.

It feels like failure. I'm not one that does failure so well. In general, it bothers me immensely. Especially when it's something I really want. I just never really accept no for an answer.

But how do I fix it? I always think I can fix everything. See above; about not taking no for an answer.

I've been fighting for an answer to this situation for awhile now. I think, maybe, I have been avoiding the answer. Because it's somewhat uncomfortable for me to admit.

I've known for some time now that it is all about the pain for me. Except it's not really that simple, cause the pain, without his control, just doesn't work for me. I also know that just because I have a burgeoning masochist fighting to come out, does not mean he is a sadist. Or ever will be.

So caught in his web, not really struggling to get away. It's a conundrum I feel eternally lost in.

Within His Boundaries

I've been a bit intrigued, mystified and in awe, of something that happened just the other night. It was a brief conversation, yet it threw me into a bit of a tail spin. It made my mind spin into knots that seemed way too complicated to even begin to try and unravel. Those are the times that make me appreciate housework.

I find it easiest to unwrap the knots while doing mindless, physical labor. I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've baked. I've folded laundry, gathered garbage and scrubbed until my hands are raw and aching. An aha moment was the result.

I've realized that I still continue to fail at being a good sub. I think back to the things he asks of me and realize that I still very much try to control and dictate how the situation will play out. My initial thoughts generate many reasons, excuses if you will, as to why I can't, or won't, do what he asks of me.

I have the stray, absent thought, that I deserve more from him, and then I can give him what he wants. Wow. What a fraud I am. In my heart, I know, that's not really the way it's supposed to work. Cue the guilt.

I've let him down, I have disappointed him. I've not lived up to the commitment I've made. I've let my imagination run away with me. I've pictured how it looks to me, never remembering that his point of view is vastly different from mine. I've wanted what I want, when I want, how I want it and if I don't get it, then he doesn't get a particularly cooperative sub.

A moment of realization, that does not exactly reflect well on me, but none the less, is the truth. It's like a virtual slap in the face. As much as I say I want to give up control, as much as I feel like I want and need to give up control, I realize that I still fight it, and him.

Yes, there are things he could do that would help me get past that, but how I picture it happening in my head, is not the way he operates. That's what I need to let go. I can't really dictate how he exerts control. I crave the control, but I need to learn to work within his boundaries of control.

I' m trying, I'm struggling, but I continue to try and get it right.

His Proposal

No, I do not mean a proposal of marriage. That came a few decades ago and technically, I think I was the one that proposed, but that's a story for another day. 

He proposed a new rule. Yes, I said a "rule". That threw me off a little, cause we don't have rules, per se. We have expectations, but not rules, and now he is proposing one.

He proposed a rule regarding a specific act of service to be done daily. My first thought, Ummm...okay, I could do that. The proposed act is something I enjoy immensely, so performing it daily would be easy for me.

Then I really started thinking about it. I realized that not only would it be easy for me, but it's something I really do want to do, for many reasons. I realized that this particular act would be a wonderful way him for to exert more control, something I would like, but don't push for.

There are many different ways this act can be completed, he knows it and so do I. I have let my imagination run away with me a bit. I've thought of all the many scenario's that could occur surrounding this act and the fact that he controls all of them. That is something I find very hot, something I really do want.

I also realized that if we really do put this rule into place that it will definitely help him grow as a dominant. He has always shied away from asking me for this particular thing. I'm not sure why, but I think he thinks it is selfish of him. That's it's something a man shouldn't ask for too often maybe? I know he believes whenever we are intimate I should always be satisfied. That's not something I am going to argue with by any means, but I don't think he realizes that I do find this satisfying.

If it were the only thing that ever happened, I wouldn't find it that way, but if he is in control of the situation, he can choose how it plays out. That's what I want, that's what I find so appealing about this proposal. It would be a blatant show of his control on a daily basis. Yep, I'd most definitely be good with this rule.

He hasn't really implemented it, yet. I don't even know if he has really thought any more about it, but I hope he does. I think I could get used to having rules if this is going to be our first one.

My New Love Affair

I always find it hard to come back here to blogland when I've been away for awhile. I just never really know where to start. While it was entirely necessary for me to take a step back while Musicman was recovering from his recent medical issues, I never intended to be gone for almost a month. As usual, life got hectic and time just got away from me.

Anyway,  it was important to me that I give Musicman the time he needed to recover without any pressure from me. That would not have helped him. I really wanted to be patient enough that things would return to normal in an organic way. I think I also wanted to test him a bit and see if D/s would return to our relationship without me pushing it back in.

I am thrilled to report that he has recovered quite nicely. In fact, much to both our surprises, things are better than they ever were. Neither one of us realized that the medical issue he had been dealing with was affecting our sex lives, cause it was never bad. Now, in hindsight, we have both realized that things could be so much better.

Musicman has decided that our lack of privacy(yes, the kids are all still living with us) will no longer stop us from indulging in playtime whenever the mood strikes. Let me just say, the mood strikes much more frequently than it used too and that makes me very happy.

Since the cane is a relatively quiet implement, it now gets used often. I am developing quite the love affair with the cane. I love the initial sting. Yes, it takes my breath away, but then I breathe through it.  The resultant burn that follows, spreads throughout my body, melting me along the way. Yep, definitely in love with the cane.

While the cane is a quiet implement, even when vigorously applied, I am not necessarily all that quiet. That has resulted in me almost always finding myself face down, ass up, with a pillow firmly planted in reach of my mouth. It may be wise to invest in a few shares of a pillow company, cause judging from all the teeth marks currently marking my pillows, I will need to invest in new ones on a regular basis.

So, that's what I've been up to in the last month, among other things. Hopefully it won't take me so long to talk about those things, cause they've caused the thoughts in my head to begin swirling with the need to write again.

Too much, yet not enough.

Life has just been a bit too much for me lately.  I haven't had the time, or the inclination, to come here. Just the idea of focusing on this aspect of my life has felt like a slap in the face. Like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. It  represents a part of my life that just can't be right now. Something I crave, yet is impossible to satiate.

After a week of the pitbull standing guard, I was finally able to bring my Musicman home. He was well enough after a few days that I returned to work. I love my job, but, it consumes a lot of energy. No matter how much energy it consumes, it's just a small fraction of the energy I have needed to meet all my obligations.

So many extraneous things that need to be dealt with on a minute to minute basis. Way to wearying to even begin to outline. I ignore the weaknesses that come with the minutiae of life, the ones that threaten to drag me under. I stand tall and strong and face all adversities, all the while refusing to acknowledge that I am crumbling inside.  

I am a very strong woman. I can face anything life throws at me. I can go forever, like the energizer bunny, as long as I have one thing.

If I have my Musicman, 100% and at my side, I can do anything.

That is why I am feeling so drained. He's doing very well, recovering nicely, but not 100%.  He just can't be there in the way I really need him to be. Something he and I define quite differently I might add.

He thinks I need this one thing. One he is quite proud that he is able to supply. I am proud of him for achieving this thing so quickly, only because I know it is important to him. For me, I really couldn't care less. This thing he finds so important, truly doesn't mean much to me. It's something I can do for myself any time I choose, much to his everlasting chagrin.

He focuses all his energy on that one thing, leaving none for what I truly need from him. At this moment, I accept that, because I know it's a HIM thing. I know he needs to do this, in this way, whether it works for me or not. By the way, it doesn't really work for me, but I'm not pushing. I just can't do that right now.

I simply love him to much, to do anything else, other than wait for him to fully return to me. I know he will, eventually. I just hope it's soon, cause I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on.

Mind Dump

A mind dump is exactly what I need right now. The last 48 hours have been a nightmare and it isn't over yet. I have spent them fighting to get Musicman the care he needs.

Due to a series of mistakes on the original surgeons part, Musicman is experiencing 2 major, life threatening, complications. He is very sick and in quite a lot of pain. Musicman realized yesterday that it was wise to release the pitbull and let her take care of him. He really has no other choice as he is too sick to care for himself.

Musicman was re-hospitalized yesterday morning and it has been a battle with that particular surgeon since that time. I really can't go into particulars, but, I hit my breaking point early this morning. It turns out, threatening to "pull off his balls and feed them to him, slowly, if he came anywhere near my husband again," got the attention that was needed.

I really hate when I get pushed that far, but I sure ain't  afraid to go there when it's needed. I have been a professional caregiver for more then 30 years. I know good quality care when I see it and I know how to get it when I'm not seeing it. I wasn't seeing it and I did something about it. That's why Musicman calls me his pitbull, because I don't let go until I get what he needs.

The new surgeon came in to meet with us, along with the other 2 specialist that have joined the case since his admission to the hospital.  Musicman greeted him, then pointed at me and told him to speak to the pitbull. I am very pleased with the new surgeon. I now have all the doctors on the same page and we are making progress. We still have a long way to go, but everything that needs to be done is being done.

In a way, it's a very odd, kind of surreal experience, to be in that place. A place where my big, strong dominant husband, seems to have been reduced to a shell of his former self.  It's something that my submissive side, can't really deal with. I feel her standing in the back ground, watching, as the pitbull goes into battle.

Musicman and I have been in this place before and we will get through this. Most likely, we will be even stronger for it. At least, that's what I keep telling him. It really is as much a reminder for myself, as it is for him. I don't think we really needed this challenge right now, but I refuse to think of it any other way. I actively push the negative thoughts away and embrace only positive outcomes. That's not so easy to do in the late hours of the night, especially since I'm not used to him not being here in our bed with me.

Thank you all for the support. The comments, emails and messages have really helped me get through those long lonely moments. The moments, when his pain is under control and he's resting comfortably. I'm grateful for those moments, but he seems so far away. Those are the moments the scary thoughts try to creep in. Thank you for helping me fight them.



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If Even For a Moment

Musicman and I have been together for more than half our lives, and we're no spring chickens. I barely remember a time when he wasn't in my life. More than likely, that's because my life before him wasn't worth remembering.

He's always been a naturally dominant man. Other than the first couple of years, the years I think of as my learning curve, I have been naturally submissive to him. It's a comfortable place for me, a place I enjoy being, a place where I've always been happy and content.

He dictates where I live my life. He dictates how I live my life on a day to day basis. I dress according to his pleasure. I cook according to his pleasure. I conduct my business of the day, according to his needs. This is something I agreed to. I had total knowledge that that was what I was agreeing to, despite the fact that I didn't have the words Dominance/submission in my head, at the time.

That's just the way it's been for us, for almost 30 years now.  The kink side came into play much later, though I don't think we ever could have been considered strictly vanilla either. Sex has always been a strong connection between us, but the demons from my past, inhibited my ability to truly accept who I was, for longer than I care to admit.

Yes, I know, it sounds like I totally did things backwards. In truth, that doesn't surprise me a bit to admit. I have often done things contrary to what society says I should do. Life just seems to work that way for me, so I don't fight it.

There is literally only one area of our lives  that Musicman is not Dominant. That is when it comes to health issues. I in no way think it is a coincidence that he has such complex health issues and ended up with me. Arrogant of me to say, but I know he could have no better caregiver or patient advocate than me.  

Therein lies the struggle. He is naturally dominant. He is used to me submitting to him in how things occur in our lives. He doesn't necessarily do so well when life dictates that he turn over control to me, if even for a moment.

That struggle isn't going so great right now. The day of his procedure was more of a challenge than I care to describe. Recovery is going so far from what I conceived, that it isn't even funny. Part of the problem is failure on his part to listen to me. The other part of the problem, is failure on my part to figure out exactly what it is that he needs and securing that for him.

At this point in time, I want to slap the crap out of everyone, the doctors and Musicman included. I need to make them all listen to me. Something isn't right. I refuse to be ignored. There is no submission here. I am going to ride roughshod over several people, until I get the results I am seeking.

Is a Pic really worth a thousand words?

Craving

In most area's of my life I'm usually a pretty laid back, easy going kinda girl.  The exception to that is when it comes to love. I love very intensely. I don't waste my energy on hating. I don't believe in that and prefer to expend my energy in more positive ways.

The more stress I have to deal with, such as last week, the more I begin to crave intensity. I crave the intensity that only Musicman can give me. I crave the pain, the dominance and the control. I crave the weightlessness of subspace and a mind that has finally turned off all the outside influences that drag me down.

We did have a brief session with the plastic coat hanger Saturday night. It was nice, but due to the house being full, it was necessarily restrained. It left me feeling the need for intense. It left me craving something that looked as if wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

In an effort to ignore what I was craving, I spent some time Sunday afternoon sitting in the sun reading. Books are like best friends to me and I can always use them for a much needed escape.

By mid afternoon, we were miraculously, home alone. Musicman wasted no time inviting me to come in out of the sun and to our room. Being that I was now faced with the opportunity to fulfill my cravings one would have thought I would have jumped to do his bidding when he suggested I take "the girls" out. I was wearing a strappy cami type top and it would have been easy to do, but for some reason, I didn't. So silly of me that in that moment, I get all shy. What's up with that?

It wasn't long before he repeated his request, this time making very sure I knew it was NOT a request. I quickly jumped to do as told as he came up behind me, slowly rubbing the cane along my legs as he wrapped his arm around me and underneath my breasts. Then he lifted them slightly and brought the cane down across them a few times.  As he was doing that he was speaking very closely in my ear. He said, "I'm going to beat your ass, bare it and bend over."

Dang, I was already wet as I quickly hiked my skirt up and bent over and grabbed the edge of the bed. Oh yes, he beat my ass, my legs, my back and I was soon lost in the intensity of the moment.  I was getting everything I had been craving and more. It took no time at all for me to slip into the total submissive mindset, the one where I do everything he tells me the first time and every time.

He pushed me hard, he demanded things that are usually very difficult for me. Yet, on that day, in that moment, I accomplished everything he asked, without a second thought. I got my intense. I got the weightlessness and quiet mind that I was craving.

It came just in time too, cause this week has proved to be just as stressful as the last one. I would ask one favor from you, my readers. Many of my long time readers probably already know that Musicman has a few serious health challenges. It is something we both work to manage and minimize the impact of, on our lives.  Friday he goes back into the hospital for a couple of surgical procedures. The doctors are saying maybe a 2-3 day stay. Of course, I will be with him the whole time making sure he gets the best care available. I ask that you keep us in your prayers. An extra angel on our shoulders would not go amiss during this time. Thank you.

Next Time...I'll Know Better

This past week has been a very long, emotional one. Not just for me either. Musicman is extremely unhappy with what is going on with our daughter and granddaughter.

Our daughter often says she wants a man just like her dad. I totally agree with her. He's pretty magnificent and she should want someone just like him. It pisses me off to hear her say this, because it is a total insult to her dad, my Musicman.

The problem: she thinks she has that and she really doesn't. There is no way in hell, that her man,(a term I use very loosely) is anything at all like her dad. Honestly, he's a user and a loser. I see it, but she doesn't, not yet anyway.

So, given that fact, things blew up here pretty bad. For once, it wasn't me being the one to lose control. It takes a lot to make Musicman blow up that way, but it did happen.

I had thought, early on in the week, to offer myself up for his use, as a way to defray the tension. Unfortunately, there was no privacy to be had, so it didn't happen. Yeah, I paid for that the next morning, when he totally lost it. His words and actions weren't aimed at me, but sometimes it's just too difficult to duck. I caught the fallout. Whether I wanted it or not, there it was, in all it's ugliness.

I know, because he's told me, I shouldn't take it personally. I shouldn't let it hurt me. This is not a reflection on me. I do understand that, but guess what? I'm not so good at that. I fought, hard. Not to take it personally. Not to let it hurt me.

I failed. I can understand the not taking it personally. I can't get past the not letting it hurt me. Seeing him hurting and in pain, always causes me pain.  I started that dreaded spiral of emotions, driven by hormones. A ride I always want to exit, but never seems to end.

Lessons learned. I should have just knelt before him, offering him a paddle, or in the absence of privacy, the cane. The physical pain would have been so much less and so much more desirable than the emotional pain that was experienced.

Damn. I hate this learning lesson's thing that life likes to throw at me. Next time...I'll know better.

Tap, Tap, Tapping

Musicman and I don't fight with each other. Don't get me wrong, we disagree about things on occasion, but we learned long ago how to discuss those disagreements in a civilized and respectful manner. The days of screaming at each other, name calling and other hurtful things are in our distant past. It was something we worked very hard to achieve at the beginning of our relationship.

In the past few months we have over heard our daughter and her boyfriend fighting quite a bit. Yelling, screaming, name calling, the whole bit. It is awkward and painful to hear, especially since there isn't much we can do about it. I am more than willing to offer advice if she asks, but I refuse to get involved, unless of course things were to get physical. I refuse to get involved because I know if I do, she will blame me when this relationship ends.

Friday evening Musicman and I went out to visit some friends. Unbeknownst to us, our daughter and her boyfriend spent the evening fighting again. At some point he left and didn't tell our daughter where he was going. Musicman and myself were unaware of this until Saturday afternoon when she finally broke down and told us what happened, along with the fact that he still wasn't home and she had no idea where he was. He took the car, with the baby seat still in it and all their money.

She was scared senseless. She had called all his friends, whom all said they hadn't heard from him. She had called the local hospitals looking for him. I did my best to listen and offer advice, but inside I was seething. She was worried he had crashed the car and was lying in a ditch some where needing help. My thought; he better be in a ditch somewhere, cause if he isn't, I'm gonna put him in one and cover it with 6 feet of dirt.

Musicman left to take our daughter and the baby to her friends house for the night. When he got back home, I was doing a slow burn, plotting all the ways I was going to seriously hurt that man when he finally did turn up. I was sitting in my recliner, my foot, tap, tap, tapping away at top speed. A sure sign that I am beyond aggravated.

We talked about the situation for a short time, discussing the practical things we can do to help her. I'm fully onboard with those things, but my foot kept tapping away. All I really wanted to focus on was how many creative ways I could come up with to hurt that man for abandoning my daughter and granddaughter. Believe me when I tell you I can come up with quite few. The whole time my foot is tapping away, faster and faster and faster.

Finally Musicman comes over to where I'm sitting and places his feet around my furiously tapping foot until I stopped. Then he pulled me out of my chair and suggested we go upstairs. He pointed out that we where home alone and depending how this all works out we might get alone time again for awhile.

A lovely session with the leather paddle and many orgasms later and I felt much better. We enjoyed a peaceful evening together, which could be our last for awhile.

Our daughter did discover that her boyfriend is fine and staying with a friend, one who had previously lied to her and told her he wasn't. The coward still hasn't come back home and we have a lot to figure out before tomorrow morning when we are all scheduled to go back to work. Yes, I'm still running through, in my mind, all the many ways I am going to make him pay for being an irresponsible, untrustworthy, absolute asshole who is a very poor excuse for a man. He made a very serious mistake messing with my family, cause I don't take that lightly, neither does Musicman, though of the two of us, he needs to worry more about me than he does Musicman.

Vacation, Staycation or Playcation?

Several months ago I mentioned that Musicman had put in for time off from work. I immediately put in for the same time off and ran with the idea of going away. It's been a long time since we had the luxury of vacation time. I knew what would make for the perfect get away for us, but wasn't sure I could make it come to fruition.

I tried. I really tried hard, but just couldn't find the ideal situation for us. Musicman even did some research and didn't really come up with anything ideal either. The kids and their needs had something to do with that, but that's become the reality I have to deal with.

So, deal with reality I did. We weren't going away, but that didn't mean we couldn't still have fun. The first night that our vacation officially started, I made some lists. I made one list of things I wanted to get accomplished around the house. I made another list of day trips or places I wanted to go. Then I made one last list, a list of things I wanted to do.

That last list, in my opinion, was the most important. The entire list contained 2 things:
sex daily,
spankings as often as privacy allows. 

Musicman read and approved of my lists. I had not assigned any particular thing to any day. That became a fluid thing based on Musicman's preferences. That's kinda how it goes when you live with a dominant man, at least for me.

We accomplished almost everything on my chore list. We experienced almost everything on my places to go list. My last list? Yeah, that went pretty well too.

Out of 10 days, we missed 2. I didn't feel like a failure, cause there were several days when we found time to play multiple times. We were able to employ instruments other than the very quiet cane. We revisited the magic paddle, the flogger and the leather strap, many times.

He went above and beyond, making me coffee, serving me breakfast in bed, more than once. And, I actually went a whole entire week with out cooking one single meal. Musicman is an incredibly picky eater and me not cooking usually only occurs once a week.

For me, it was a wonderful week and a half, spent with the absolute love of my life, playing to my hearts content. Unfortunately, I had to return to reality today. Back to work for both of us, much to our chagrin.

No more sleeping in. No more coffee and breakfast in bed. No more lying in the sun, poolside, reading, while Musicman napped. No more roaming barefoot in my favorite sundress and sun hat. No more spankings, sex and orgasms galore, whenever we were able to take advantage of an empty house. Which, just let me say, increases greatly if we aren't waisting time working.

This morning my coworkers all asked me how my vacation was? I couldn't contain the wicked smile that broke out each time. They also asked me what I did? I really wanted to tell them, I connected on another level with my husband. I had tons of great sex, spankings, floggings, strappings. Orgasms beyond what I can sometimes comprehend. Just the memories of them take my breath away. Those are the kind of memories I always enjoy making.  I was the center of his attention. For ten whole days.

I didn't tell them that, but I may have hinted a bit, with out providing details, of course.  While I may not have found what I thought was the perfect get away, I believe I found something perfect anyway.

Ummmm....Oops!

There seem to be so many people constantly in and out of our house. The kids keep very different schedules than do Musicman and myself. They come and go at all hours. We never really know when we will have private time.

We are learning to take advantage of those rare times when we find our selves home alone. It's not the ideal way to play. Sometimes we are busy doing other vanilla life type things. Sometimes we are tired from long days at work. Sometimes we just don't feel like jumping each other just because the house is empty.

Too bad.

We've begun to learn to take advantage of those times, whether we are really in the mood or not. If we miss an opportunity, it may not present itself again for a while. Then we are both left wanting, not a good thing.

We have learned that our best times on the weekends are late afternoon. Our son is working and our daughter is usually out somewhere seeing her step kids. She has two of them.

That was the case today. Musicman had woken in a bit of a bad mood. Nothing serious, just one of those days when I needed to let him be, while I went about my own business. I did some chores, some baking and some cooking.

Today is Musicman's birthday. Shhh...don't tell anyone, he doesn't care for a lot of fanfare. He turned 50 today and he still doesn't have one gray hair, on his very healthy head of hair I might add. So not fair.

I made him his favorite, a blueberry pie. Yeah...I'm that crazy lady who turns on her oven in 84 degree weather to bake, just because it's his favorite. I also prepped for dinner, the first one that I cooked in a week(unusual for me, but that's a story for another day).

Eventually, everything I had set out to accomplish, had been done. Musicman had taken our son to work and our daughter and her family were out for the day. Or so we thought.

He approached me, cane in hand as I walked into our room. He gathered me up in his arms and started administering that cane to my backside. Then he spun me around, still holding me close in his arms as he administered the cane to my front side. This behavior continued on for several twirls. Not only was I feeling the sting of the cane, but I was starting to get a bit dizzy from the constant twirling.

The he backed up a few steps, cane still in hand, still connecting with various body parts and ordered me to continue. Continue what? I was confused, and the burn of the cane was setting in, effectively obscuring any rational thought on my part.

He ordered me to strip.

Oh! Okay!

The cane continued to reign down over various body parts as I twirled and stripped. I was seriously starting to get very dizzy. That's when he decided his shorts were becoming a bit too tight and removed them.

I couldn't help myself, I pounced and it was on. His gorgeous cock was staring me right in the face and kneeling before him just felt so incredibly right. He continued to employ the cane as I knelt before him and had my treat.

At some point, way beyond my ability to remember details, we moved to the bed. I remember him entering me, I was so wet and he was so hard. He enjoys and encourages me to be loud. He likes to hear me beg. At that point, not a problem for me. A very good time was had.

It wasn't until we were done, that we realized, we were not alone. Our daughter and her family had come home. It is quite probable, based on what we realized next that they heard us.

I wish I could say I was dying of embarrassment. I'm not. Maybe now they will think twice before they unlock that door and come in(the doors to our house are almost never locked, too much traffic coming and going). Maybe now they will realize that Mom and Dad aren't just Mom and Dad. Hey...maybe they will work a bit harder to try and give us our privacy.

Also, I wanted to say thank you to all that have welcomed me back and left comments for me. I promise, I have read them all and will be answering them soon.

In The Land of Fae...

...is where I wish I could say I've been.

Unfortunately... no such luck.

Within a day of my last post my internet connection went out. Life, being what it is, prevented me from remedying the situation until 2 days ago. During the last 2 months(seriously can't believe time passed that quickly), days on end went by without me being able to tune in and turn on. On the rare occasion I could get online, it was mere minutes until I got tossed off again. So frustrating, yet, very liberating.

So...here's what's been going on in my world:

My last post got Chrossed. It garnered over 6,000 hits alone. That kind of freaked me out a bit as I'm not used to that. I think of this place as a small little blog, not one that gets that many hits per post, for sure. It also made me wonder how he found me. I rarely ever even remember to tag my posts.

Warm weather has finally arrived. I tan easily and time offline has been spent in the sun making me dark as a nut. Musicman continues to seek shelter in the shade cause he's a burn and peel kinda guy.

I've been working crazy amounts of hours, almost twice what I usually work. The company I work for is extremely generous with vacation hours. I don't get any, cause I'm just a sub, but that means they need me more than ever right now. There has been some talk that they are going to need another full time person soon and many of my coworkers are lobbying hard for it to be me. I do love my job and while I'm not lobbying for it, if it were offered, I would take it.

The kids are all still here. I've come to accept the fact that none of them are leaving any time soon. Not an easy place for me to get to, cause that means giving up on my dreams, for now. They are all working, though vastly different hours from each other and from Musicman and myself. That makes for a very busy household and very little privacy.

Our Grandbaby is 10 months old. She's been walking for about a month, and working very hard to learn to climb. She's got an entire smile full of teeth and knows about a half dozen words, including, much to his delight, "Grandpa".  He's been coaching her since the day she was born.  My house is once again "baby proofed". At almost 50 years old, I don't find that all so easy, but it is what it is and I'm learning to adapt.

I must admit, I find Musicman as a Grandpa to be very sexy. That little girl has him so tightly wrapped around her little finger it isn't even funny, but it makes me grin like an idiot none the less. She has become one of the great joys in my life and watching her with Musicman...well, that's just indescribable joy for me.

One would think, given all that I have laid out above, that there isn't much in the way of D/s or kink going on here. If you thought that, you would be wrong. Things have been good. I just need to get back into the swing of writing and sharing again. When I knew it wasn't possible, it was easy to forget how to do it. That doesn't necessarily mean it was good for me.

I hope to do that soon, cause while I've coped with my enforced absence, maybe even benefited from it, I've definitely missed interacting with the likeminded individuals that make up this lovely community. In short, I've missed ya'll.

I've also missed posting my faerie's. It's so hard to pick just one, they're all so beautiful.

The results of my purchase

We tried the cane. I wish I could say I liked it, especially since I have 25 of them. But, I can't, cause that would be a lie.

It would be a lie, because I didn't just like it, I LOVED it.

I had been having one of those days. The kind of day where every little thing was getting on my last nerve. I had tried, as I always do, to fight it, but I was spiraling, quickly, to that dark place. The place that I don't ever want to go, because it overwhelms me and spurs me to run. He knew as soon as he walked through the door that I was in a bad place. He always knows, cause I get very quiet and distracted, like I'm somewhere else. I am, I'm plotting my escape.

We found ourselves home alone and clearly he wanted to play. When I'm in that dark place, I always want to resist. I want to be left alone, to wallow in my misery. Rationally, I know that won't help anything, but I'm rarely ever rational when I have spiraled that far down. The best I could do was not fight him and try to relax and go with it in the hope it would help.

I had been lying on the bed, ignoring him and everything else for the most part. Lost in my own misery and not inclined to let him pull me out of it. I had donned a new dress. The first new one of the season, in an attempt to cheer myself up some. It's very colorful, white with vividly colored flowers on it. The top of it is corset style, with a short flared skirt. He's always insisted on easy access, so no undies, of course.

He joined me on the bed, pulled the top of my dress down and began playing. Eh, okay, I can go with this, but wasn't really feeling it. Mind you, the thought of saying no, asking him to stop, or in any way rebuffing, or hindering his advances, never crossed my mind. I just don't ever do that. Then he picked up the cane he had previously picked out and had waiting close by.

I remember feeling it, smooth and cool, as he ran it over my chest. Then the sting as he flicked it lightly on my tit. I remember a sharp inhalation of breath and the following sigh, which happened with every flick of his wrist. The slowly spreading warmth didn't consciously register until much later.

He ran it up over my face. Again, I remember feeling how smooth and cool it felt as it slid across my cheek, slowly, towards my mouth. I turned my face into it, as he ran it over my lips, the urge to reach out with my tongue and lick it's length, as it slipped through the crease, was almost my undoing.

I say almost, because, a moment of sanity occurred and I had the thought, "wet cane = bad idea". I resisted the urge, though by then I realized, he had me. He had pulled me back from the brink and we were just getting started.

I felt myself slipping, sliding in to his control, going to that wonderful place, where everything is beautiful. Okay, couldn't resist that last one at the end. Heeheeheee.

I have more to say, but that's enough for now. It's been a long day, I'm tired and it's time to recharge with my Musicman.

Will You Celebrate?

I've read around the web that May is International Masturbation Month. According to Wikipedia it started in 1995 as a way to protect every one's right to masturbate. The article stated that 90% of men and 65% of women masturbate, though there is still a social stigma about masturbation being a negative thing.

I'm aware from reading here in blogland that some subs are not allowed to masturbate unless they are granted permission from their Dom. I suppose for those of you who have that rule you will have to ask permission if you intend to celebrate this activity this month.

I have no such restrictions and really have no need for it as I don't enjoy masturbating. It's not that I can't achieve orgasm by my own hand, I can. I know, cause I did try for awhile to learn to like it. I did that because watching me masturbate is something Musicman enjoys. I even went as far as making him a short video of me doing it and sent it to him.

I never have developed a fondness for it and unless he forces me, I won't do it, even if he asks. I did however wonder why I find it so distasteful. At first I thought maybe it was that old, "good girls don't" thing that held me back. Nope, that's not it.

I discovered, while I was trying to learn to enjoy it, that even though I can achieve orgasm, I find it more frustrating than it's worth. The thing I find so frustrating is that it is just a physical release and that's not what I am looking for from sex.

Before I met Musicman I had been intimate with more than my fair share of men. Some were good, some weren't, none were great, it was just a physical thing. The difference between them and Musicman, I have a soul connection with him that I didn't have with anyone else.

Sex is not just a physical thing with him, it is a connection of energy. An intertwining of soul's. I really wish I had the words to explain that it is so much more than a physical release. Yes, it happens because of the physical things we engage in, but it isn't just a physical reaction, it is so much more.

It is two soul's, recognizing each other, sharing and intermingling, dancing together and splitting apart, only to come back together as one. It is the most fulfilling and satisfying thing I have experienced and it's not something I can replicate on my own. That's probably a good thing for him, cause if I could, I wouldn't need him.

Maybe some of you will ask permission to celebrate this month. Maybe I will try to remember that watching me is something he enjoys and find the courage to give it a try. Or maybe not, cause I still don't find any satisfaction, other than the physical, in masturbating and that's not what I'm looking for.

It just occurred to me that there is another alternative. Maybe, he will be in the mood to celebrate and will remember that he has tools at his disposal to encourage me to do those things I don't usually care to do. He knows how, he just doesn't very often, despite the fact that I have consented to it.

Hair Is Where It's At

Hair, something we women sometimes struggle with. It's big business, cuts, color, perms, blow dryer's, curling irons, flat irons, clips, bands and so much more.

I spent many a year as a teen and young adult torturing my hair to make it look like whatever the current popular style was. It never worked, my hair has a mind of it's own. It's part curly, part straight, more salt than pepper, one step away from dreadlocks really. I started going grey at 15 and colored it for many years. I haven't colored it for quite some time now though, it's just too much work.

I don't own a hair dryer or curling iron or flat iron. I do own a large collection of clips and bands. They reside in a pretty crystal vase on my bedside table. I'm not really a crystal vase type person, but it was a gift and I thought I would put it to good use holding the myriad hair stuff I do own.

Until recently my hair was extremely long, almost to my waist. Just shampooing it and picking it out was a major job. It's too thick for a comb and a brush would be a total nightmare to try and use. I do own a hairbrush, but that resides with our other toys, it's never been used on hair.

A couple months ago I felt like making a bit of a change. I cut my hair. I did not ask permission, that never even occurred to me. I have a feeling that if I would have asked, Musicman would have looked at me like I had just grown horns out of my head or some such thing. He likes my hair long, but he doesn't seem to desire that tight of control.

I cut over a foot of hair off, it now hangs a few inches below my shoulders. All he said was, you cut a lot of hair off. Yes, yes I did, but it is still long enough to make a very decent pony tail for pulling and I still need to put it up before giving a BJ if I don't want it straying into my mouth. Ack, hairballs.

The people who reacted the most were my coworkers and clients. When they saw it, they acted as if I had committed a major crime, or something equally as heinous. I assured them all that it would grow back and quite quickly too. My shorter hair has not stopped a few of them from petting it on a regular basis. Yes, I have a few clients and even one coworker that seem to truly love my hair, they can't seem to keep their hands off it.

I don't mind my clients doing it, I have gotten used to the fact that they are all quite affectionate and hugs and kisses and touching is an everyday occurrence with them. The part that took a bit of getting used to was the coworker. It's a female and she touches it as often, if not more, than my clients do.

I wonder what she would say if she knew that hair pulling is something I absolutely love? Though, it's probably a good thing she doesn't know, cause if she pulled my hair I'd have to say something, I only like it when Musicman does it. Do any of you see your hair and the way you wear it as a symbol of your submission? Even though I don't have to ask permission to cut it, I do. When I decided to cut it, a decision that took me over a year to make, I did so knowing that I would keep it at a length he finds pleasing.

What Have I Done?

I'm not sure, but the pain pills I had been taking for my tooth may have effected my mental capacities. At least, that's my story and I'm gonna stick to it. I did something today I thought I would never do and may live to regret.

We were out doing some errands and I suggested we go to a certain store. I was looking for something specific and knew I would find it at this particular place. I had seen them there last summer, but wasn't courageous enough to acquire one.

Musicman asked me what I was going to do with this particular item while we were in the store. I told him I would explain later. He didn't think much of it, I bought the item and we went on with our day. He hasn't inquired since we got home what I plan on doing with it. He probably thinks it's for some project or another as I always seem to have something I'm working on.

Have you guessed yet what I might be referring to? I bought a bamboo garden stake, it's 3' long. Actually, they came in a pack of 25. Obviously I don't need that many, but they didn't sell them individually.

Yep, I went and acquired an entire pack of canes. I have heard they are a quiet implement, something we desperately need more of. Also, I seem to have overcome my total fear of them. Of course that fear may come roaring back once we actually try one. Then I'm really gonna be in trouble if he likes it and I don't. Breaking or losing one is easily understandable, but 25 of them?

Anyone want a cane? They are free to a good home. Haahaahaaa. Oh goodness, what have I gotten myself into?

A Bit About HIM

Sarah at Clear as Mud nominated me for a Liebster award. Thanks Sarah, I don't know where these awards originate from, but it is always an honor to be recognized. Sarah said this was supposed to be a fun activity. As I am currently battling a nasty tooth abscess that has left half my face so swollen I look like the Elephant Man, I could use some thing fun. I know I always enjoy reading posts like these as they give me a further peak into the lives of my blogger friends.

Here are the questions Sarah asked:

1. What is your idea of a perfect way to spend the day? Money is no object. I would spend the day exploring with Musicman. We often take day trips into the country exploring second hand stores or estate sales. I love to repurpose things and can spend hours combing through little backwoods places looking for out of the ordinary things that inspire me. Then lunch or dinner at some out of the way Mom and Pop diner that features homemade comfort food. I would end the day with drinks around the fire, listening to Musicman play his guitar and of course, some great play time. 

2. Favorite spanking implement? The magic paddle that Musicman made, it's made of wood and I covered one side with suede. It's very versatile and can be both stingy or thuddy depending on which side he uses.

3. Favorite spanking position? We don't do a lot of different positions, so I don't really have a favorite. Our most often used position is me on the bed, head down, ass up.

4. Favorite vacation spot? Haven't found it yet, but the top 2 places on my bucket list to visit are Scotland and somewhere tropical.

5. Favorite type of food? Bacon cheeseburger, or pizza with sausage, black olives and onions.

6. What do you snack on? Red licorice if I'm craving sweets, chips and dip if I'm craving savory.

7. First place you had sex? Don't remember, it was way too long ago.

8. Kinkiest/strangest/coolest place you had sex? In a field of fireflies.

9. Beach or Mountains? Beach, with a book.

10. What kind of shoes are you wearing right now? None, if shoes aren't required by law I don't wear them.

11. Person or persons, blogger or not, dead or alive, you admire most? Musicman's Grandmother, she was a wonderful lady and a huge influence in my life.

Since I have been blogging for a few years now there aren't many random things about myself that I haven't shared, so I thought I would share 11 random things about Musicman. I always find it interesting to hear more about the other half of the couple whose blogs I read, especially ones like mine, where the partner does not contribute.

1. Musicman has a full head of dark hair, not a grey in sight, which is why most people think I am older. My hair is much more salt than pepper these days.

2. He plays several musical instruments.

3. Musicman is antisocial, but if he likes you and lets you into his circle of friends, he is loyal to a fault.

4. Musicman is the kind of man who will always pull over to help some one stranded on the highway. He once stopped to offer help to a state cop who appeared to be broken down.

5. He is an extremely picky eater, his preferences run to plain meat and potatoes. I would be a much better cook if this weren't so.

6. He wears a full beard, the goatee area of which went grey after his open heart surgery a few years back. I think it's sexy.

7. Musicman is so intimidating that I have witnessed him scare entire rooms full of babies and young kids to tears, just by walking in. Historically, he scares most of my co-workers too.

8. The majority of his wardrobe is black. He has never in the time I've known him owned a suit or tie.

9. He has the kind of job where he always comes home dirty and smelly. His hands never really come clean. He often doesn't like to touch me until he's showered, but I don't care how dirty or smelly he is, I still find him sexy.

10. He is a whiz with trivia, especially history, music and films.

11. Musicman is the best lover I have ever had and I've had way too many. I knew from the first time we had sex that he was the man for me. We've always had a great sex life and when life conspired to interfere, we did what ever we had to do to get it back.



I know I have been remiss in answering comments. The infection and pain meds I have been on have made me extremely fatigued and put me way behind in all areas of my life. I promise to catch up soon.

Plans in the Making

In all the years we've been together we've never gone on a vacation that did not involve visiting relatives. Even our honeymoon, 2 months after our wedding, was a visit to see relatives and my in-laws showed up just a few days into the trip. It wasn't as bad as it sounds, we did have a cabin all to ourselves. The fact that the only thing to do in the area was fish, and I despise fishing, is negligible. At least that's what I tell myself anyway.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we haven't been on a vacation in many, many years. Imagine my surprise when Musicman came home one day last week and told me he scheduled 10 days off in July. Ten whole days, yay. I scheduled the time off from work myself the very next day.

I inquired ever so sweetly if we might go away somewhere. I totally expected him to say no, cause he doesn't really care to travel. He never feels comfortable staying away from home. I was ecstatic when he said maybe. I can work with maybe, all I need to do is find the perfect place, for the perfect price.

The perfect place for me would be somewhere, anywhere, on a beach with a book and a pretty little drink with an umbrella in it. Unfortunately, Musicman suffers severe burns if he even thinks about spending time in the sun, so that's out.

Hotels are definitely out, he doesn't care to be around people. We stayed in a hotel this past summer when we were out of state for my brother's funeral. Not only could we hear everyone walking up and down the hall at all hours of the night, but I actually heard my other brother snoring in the next room. Not what I am looking for, I want something private. Someplace where I can run around nekkid and no one will question the odd sounds that might be coming from the room.

No, no hotels for us. Musicman is much more the cabin in the woods kind of guy anyway. So I spent the afternoon googling cabins for rent. I found the perfect ones. The location is beautiful, there are interesting things to do nearby and the cost isn't too outrageous. The only problem, they are about 10 hours away. We could fly, but Musicman won't get on a plane and with the way flights are from where we live, it wouldn't really save us much time anyway.

I doubt he will approve that idea, though I think it would be a great adventure. I will continue to look around and try and find something as nice a bit closer to home. I have a few months to find something and I'm determined we are going to go away, somewhere, anywhere.

Precious Stolen Moments

Lack of privacy has been a huge, ongoing issue for us. There was a time, before the kids moved back in, when we were averaging a spanking every other day. That was about perfect for me. I was a very happy and satisfied faerie. I also believe that Musicman was much happier during that time too. Then the kids returned and spankings went from every other day, to when ever we could grab some privacy. If we noticed we were home alone we would lose no time heading to the bedroom and getting in some quality play time. It wasn't ideal, but it was doable and we still played about twice a week.

Then life happened. I was stressed and grief stricken and not much in the mood to play very often. I slowly started pulling out of my grief, just to find that a situation that Musicman found extremely stressful had befallen us. I wanted to play, but he didn't.

He no longer took advantage of those surprise moments when we were alone. He restricted spanking to the times when our daughter and her little family were gone for the weekend and our son was at work. At first, those times occurred about every other weekend, then slowly dwindled to about once a month. I was no longer a happy and satisfied faerie, but I understood what he was dealing with and tried not to put to much pressure on him.

The situation he has been dealing with has finally, after months of trying different things, been resolved. I began to once again think about taking advantage of those stolen moments. I missed them and once a month was no longer acceptable to me. I just needed to convince him that it is okay to actually lock the doors and have some fun without worrying about when the kids might come home.

My daughter sorta forced my hand on that one. She informed us that they would no longer be going away for the weekends as they had been doing. Well damn, I had been counting on those weekends like they were gold and now they are gone. I quite unhappily informed Musicman about it and really did think I might never be spanked again.

I was so happily surprised when Friday came along and we found ourselves home alone for a short period of time. Musicman was quick to lock the doors and take paddle in hand. It was a good thing he was quick, cause with it being so long in between spankings my mind always begins to wonder if that is really what I want. I worry that maybe it won't work, it won't take me to that wonderful place I love so much. That cloud of submission that evolves into subspace that I miss so terribly.

Of course my worries were for naught, it worked quite well. He got "his little faerie" back and I got so much more. I've made sure to mention several times how much I have missed our playtimes and that we need to start locking the door and taking advantage of stolen moments more often.

His response was to make mention of needing to gag me and use the coat hanger. Oh, yes please. Unfortunately, it didn't happen last night as he had planned. Totally his fault, he fell asleep before the movie we were watching even hit the middle. He didn't miss much as it wasn't a very good movie.

That gave me plenty of time to fantasize about his remark. It's stuck in my head, pulling me deeper and deeper into the scenario until it just won't stop. Maybe, since he now seems amenable to taking full advantage of the moments we do get, and working around our lack of privacy, we will have the chance soon to play out that scenario he planted in my head.

You're Nominated

Intermittent internet access the last few days have kept me from visiting here. I have also been dealing with a stomach bug and haven't felt like doing much of anything at all. Trying to get back to writing daily, or almost daily, has been harder than I thought it would be. Blog friends to the rescue.

The lovely Atiyaluv nominated me for a Liebster Award. Thanks Atiya, that is very sweet of you. I'm supposed to answer the 11 questions she provided. Okay, I can do that. I am supposed to share 11 random things about myself. Okay, I can do that too, though trying to think of 11 random things I haven't already shared may be a bit of a challenge I think I'm up to it. I'm supposed to display the Liebster Award on my blog or post, it's already there, so one less thing for me to do. I am also supposed to nominate 5-11 blogs to receive the award, I'll address that later.

1.  Do you believe in LDR (long distance relationships?) I'm not in an LDR, but I certainly believe that for the right people they are possible and quite fulfilling. Have a look around blogland, you will see several examples of successful LDR's.

2.  Have you ever thought about writing a book of any kind? Yes, writing a book is on my bucket list. I have started more than one, I just haven't finished any, yet.

3.  Do you like to travel, have you traveled and where have you traveled to? I love to travel. I have travelled through most of the eastern and southern US. I also spent most of the early years of my marriage vacationing in Canada.

4.  Do you enjoy what you do for a living?  if you do not, would you rather be doing something else? like what? I more then enjoy what I do for a living, it is more who I am then what I do. I've tried many times over the years of my career to do other things, I always come back to my chosen career.

5.  Do you speak more than one Language? if you do, what are they? No, I wish I did, I've always wanted to speak French.

6.  If you could have a sit down with any famous person who would it be, and why? Hmmmm...narrowing it down to just one is difficult. Any of the great thinkers and writers of the world come to mind for me. Since I can only pick one I think it would be Anais Nin. I find her life and her writing extremely fascinating.

7.  Do you have a role model? I was just thinking about this very thing recently. My role model was a wonderful woman who was not in my life for nearly long enough. It is Musicman's Grandmother. Not only did she welcome me into her family and love me like one of her own, she taught me through word and deed what it meant to be a wife, mother and woman in this world. I miss her so much.

8.  Would you move to a new country, and start all over for love? I sure would, give me half an hour and I'll be packed and ready to go.

9.  Any Guilty Pleasure?  (what are those?) Nope, I never feel guilty about things that give me pleasure.

10.  Pet peeves? Condescending, judgmental people. I think our uniqueness is a beautiful thing, something to be embraced and celebrated. People who judge and disparage those that they see as different always piss me off.

11.  Why did you start blogging? I started blogging because I wanted to connect with like minded people and have an outlet for the things that I can't share in my real life.

Okay, on to 11 random things about me:

1. I've always wanted to own a doll house. I have an uncommon love for miniature things and would be in heaven decorating a doll house.

2. I'm not a hoarder, but I have a habit of collecting things to refurbish or use in DIY projects. My latest find is a broken down birdhouse that I am going to turn into a faerie habitat.

3. My biggest insecurity is being a Mom, I don't think I'm very good at it. Thankfully for our kids, Musicman is a great Dad.

4. I believe in Heaven, but I don't believe in Hell. I think Hell is where we are now.

5. I don't follow organized religion, if I did, it would be Wicca. Yep, I'm a witch, lol.

6. I actually enjoy doing laundry. I didn't always, but laundry for two isn't so bad. I find it calming to fold and a huge sense of satisfaction when it is all done.

7. I would love to take cooking classes. I enjoy cooking but Musicman is a picky eater, so I sometimes find that limiting.

8. My dream home would have a studio for me to work on all the craft and DIY projects I enjoy.

9. I'm tone deaf, but I love to sing and dance. Some day I am going to take a dance class, I'd love to learn to belly dance.

10. I want a pair of wings. I have no idea where I would wear them, but I really want a pair, or maybe several.

11. I have been thinking a lot about bucket lists and what I would put on one, maybe because I will be turning 50 later this year. Honestly, I think I would need 2, a vanilla one and a sex one.

Now comes the part where I always break the rules. I can't nominate anyone to receive the award. That's not because I can't think of anyone to nominate, but because I can't narrow it down. If you are in my blogroll, I read you. I read because I identify with the things you share or like the energy of your writing. I never want to leave anyone out, that just doesn't feel right to me. So, I nominate all my friends here in blogland. Feel free to answer the questions and share some of yourself with everyone, tell them I nominated you, cause I just did.

I Will Pretend

I'm feeling so sad tonight, for so many reasons. Holidays often do that to me lately. Memories of so many loved ones lost. Where once there was chaos and laughter, celebrating, decorations and food galore, there is now silence, an emptiness I no not how to fill.

There are no longer, generations gathering. No more do I see, Great Grandma, cradling the latest Grandbaby. No more are the big burly men, brothers all, sons following in their footsteps, loud and jovial.

The women gathering in the kitchen, their mission, to feed their men and nurture their children. Fellowship and love abound. As each one passed, I missed it more. It was a wonderful gift that I long to hang on to.

I feel inept, unable to bring them back, unable to move forward. I have not the wisdom, nor life experience needed. I am a poor substitute for what is so very much desired.

I would hide away, lose myself within the pain. Oh, that some one would make the world go away. Alas, that is also not meant to be.

I grab desperately for the moments that are no longer destined to be. They set me into a tail spin, wishing for escape. Knowing, always knowing, this is a wish I will not realize.

Despite my attempts to fight, my attempts to quell them, the tears brim over. I reach up to frantically flick them away. Now is not the time for weakness, now, is a time for celebration, a time for family, a time for love.

I will do my best, to pretend, hoping all the while that no one see's past the veil.

Some Much Needed Perspective

Perspective is an interesting thing. I was reminded of  that very thing today at work. I work with a woman who is just a few years younger than myself. She has pointed out to me that she and I are very much alike in many ways. For one, we see the world around us and deal with situations, in much the same way. She has even told me that she mentioned to her husband how much alike we are.

Her oldest child, a girl is the same age as my daughter. Both our girls are single moms to biracial daughters whom we both are helping to raise. Her son is a few years older than mine, but they have the same name. She married her high school sweetheart, though they are newlyweds due to the fact that they went their separate ways after school and both had previous marriages. We both have adult children that still live at home and neither of us are too pleased about that. We often find ourselves dealing with the same issues with our kids.

One of the things she often tells me is that she wants my life. Sounds rather odd since we seem to have very much the same life. The big difference is that her husband does not take care of her on a day to day basis the way Musicman does me. In effect, she wants a dominant man and she wants to nurture her submissive side. She hasn't said that in so many words, but it is easy to infer from what she has told me.

Another big difference that she has shared with me is her sex life. It is almost non existent. When they do have sex, "it last for three minutes then he is done." She has even said that she has complained to him "that he seduced her with porn star sex and now it's gone."  He even fell asleep on her once during sex.

I almost feel guilty when I tell her my relationship isn't like that. Oh sure, I don't get it as much as I would like due to the privacy issues, but it's never three minutes and done. Even when the house is full and we have to employ silent sex, 99% of the time it is totally satisfying for both of us and it has always been like that between us. That other 1%, when it doesn't work so well, is because my head is not in the right place, for whatever reason.

Sometimes I am tempted to confide in her that I live an alternative lifestyle, that I am submissive and Musicman is very much the HOH, but I won't. I doubt she would believe me if I did tell her because in my everyday life, I am anything but submissive. But, it is a good thing for me to hear her say that she wants my life, cause no matter how hard life has been lately and no matter what we are dealing with, I love my Musicman so much and I am so grateful for everything he does for me. It is good for me to be reminded that not everyone has the wonderful relationship that I enjoy, even if I occasionally want to hit him upside the head with a brick.

Disrespected

A rough night last night led to a rough morning. It could have all been avoided if only he had answered one question. It was an important question, one I have a right to have an answer to, but he didn't give me that answer.

This all goes back to the issue that has been plaguing Musicman for the last few months. The one in which I have stood by his side and completely supported him through, even though it was sometimes to my detriment.

We've had several conversations about this issue, I have expressed my thoughts and wishes repeatedly to him, to no avail. The most recent conversation was less than a week ago. I expressly asked him not to do something that he has been doing. I asked him not to do this thing because it has been putting us in a very difficult situation.

So, what did he do? He went and did the very thing I asked him not to do, again. When I asked for clarification, he was unable, or unwilling, to provide it. And then he wonders why I get pissed off. Really? How would he feel if I disrespected him that way? He wouldn't like it even one little bit.

Now, let me say that I understand why he is making these poor decisions, it is based in fear. An irrational fear that springs from his past. That kinda pisses me off too. If I can work as hard as I have, to face and conquer my past, then I feel he should at least make some small attempt to face his.

Instead he throws his doomsday scenario in my face like a threat. Let me just say, I have lived through his doomsday scenario, many years before I met him. I had no one to help me either. I had to figure it all out for myself and I did. Here is the funny thing about facing and conquering your fears, once you do, they no longer hold any fear or control over you.

The result of this incident, this whole situation really is, I no longer trust him to make the best decisions for us in this area of our life. At the very least, I feel he owes me an apology, then he needs to work really hard at regaining my trust.

We have discussed me taking over control in this area. That is something neither one of us wants, I highly doubt he would even be able to tolerate that. Or, we have also discussed me taking control of my contributions to this situation. I have no problems doing that, but he definitely does. He has already tried telling me how I am to do it. No, that isn't gonna fly with me. If I am taking control, I will do as I see fit and that won't be in any way, shape or form as to how he thinks it should be done.

Or, there is a third option, I could hit him upside the head with a brick and hope it knocks some sense into him and he will start actually hearing me when I speak. He will remember that we are both on the same team and that I am not a weak or stupid woman. He will learn to set his pride aside on occasion and accept help, even if it's just from me. Only time will I suppose as to how this all washes out. For the moment, Musicman has one very pissed off faerie to deal with.

A Fickle Bitch and the Masturbatory Tale

Great title if I do say so myself, unfortunately it's not nearly as interesting as it sounds. Musicman may say I am a fickle bitch on occasion, but it's not me I'm talking about.

Mother Nature is the fickle bitch, one that could surely use a good spanking. Over the weekend we finally had some warm weather, very summer like 70's and even hit 80 one day. Today? Today it was in the 30's and we have received several inches of new snow. Sigh, I really am so tired of winter, as I imagine most of us in this country are.

So, if anyone sees her, please send her to the corner until we are able to locate someone willing to take her over their knee for a good sound spanking. I think she has earned it.

As for the highlight of my day, and no, driving through a blizzard to work wasn't it, it's a masturbatory tale. No, it wasn't me.

I work with intellectually disabled senior citizens. At best, most of them have a mental age of a young teen, essentially they are little kids in old people bodies. They can be a lot of fun, but they all have their own special quirks. Don't we all?

We have a gentleman who particularly enjoys looking at magazines. The staff is usually quite careful about what magazines they give him, mostly nature type ones. Today however, someone wasn't paying attention and gave him one of the popular gossip mags that seem to be everywhere these days.

He enjoyed the pics of the girl in the bikini so much that he decided to expose himself and get busy. He did this in plain sight of anyone who cared to look his way. The male staff member that gave him the magazine was the first one to spot him, but was leery of approaching him. This particular client does not like him very much and has the potential to become violent, especially if you try to take his magazines away.

Guess who they recruited to take care of the situation? Yep, me. This particular client happens to like me and has never given me any problems. He has even been known to let me sit with him and share his magazines, something he doesn't let just anybody do. He cooperated and let me have the magazine and even tucked himself back in and zipped when I very matter of factly told him to.  Wish I could say this is the first time in my career I have had to address a situation like that, but it isn't.

Now, aren't ya'll glad I have decided to share more?

Writing Through The Chaos

My life is very chaotic right now, in all areas. I have a job I love, but my schedule changes daily and even though I insist on at least one day a week off, I am always on call. I give my boss a two hour window each morning to call, she doesn't always strictly stick to that window. I can receive a call as late as 11:00 asking me to come in to work.

At home we have a house full of people that do not keep similar schedules. Musicman follows a strict first shift schedule, up before six and out of the house before 7. Most days I awaken with him and stay up, even though it is hard to get anything done knowing the phone might ring and I will need to drop what I'm doing and go to work. Also, if I'm not already scheduled for work, I'm not a great morning person. I no longer like having to get up immediately and rush around getting ready to get out of the house.

Our daughter and her little family keep a second shift schedule. Our son keeps a third shift schedule. It is not unusual for him to be just be going to bed when we are getting up in the morning and for him to be getting up when I am getting home at the end of the day.

This means that my house is never quiet. There are always lights and TVs on somewhere. Some one is cooking in the kitchen at all hours of the day or night and don't even get me started about the phone, it never seems to stop ringing. Nothing like a ringing phone at 3am or a crying baby to interrupt a good night's sleep.

I've realized that I have no routine to any of my days, other than meal planning and cooking dinner for Musicman. This has been going on for about a year and a half. All these things combined have made D/s feel very much like one step forward and three steps back. I've also often felt as if I should just quit coming here to write, after all, who wants to read about constant chaos?

I've tried several times to step away, but I keep getting drawn back. I've realized that while I have always written for myself and secondarily for Musicman, the reasons I come here have changed. Initially I wrote to make connections with other like minded people. I have done that, this is a wonderful community that does not judge and usually embraces everyone. I do appreciate that, but I also have found myself withdrawing some. Even though I still read the blogs I follow, I comment very little, essentially I have become a lurker. I do that because right now I don't feel as if I am in a good place to comment.

I find it okay for me to come here and vent, or write about some of the negative things going on in my life, but I would never feel comfortable laying that negativity at someone else's doorstep. That's why I stay quiet. I did not realize when I first started that writing would be so helpful, almost therapeutic for me, but it really is. That's why even though I think about leaving, ultimately I have never been able to, the benefits to me are too great right now.

In thinking about the whole situation it became glaringly obvious to me that I do very little, almost nothing really, for myself. Days can go by without me doing something I really enjoy doing or that benefits just me in some way. That is when I thought it might behoove me to start writing more regularly again.

I've been thinking about this for about a week now, often getting tripped up on the fact that this is supposed to be a D/s blog and I might not have all that much D/s related stuff to write about.  Then I remembered that when I first began, the blurb I had on my profile was, that this was a place for me to explore my sexuality. Whether I like it or not, whether anyone talks about it or not, all these day to day things we deal with effects our sexuality, at least for me.

So, I am going to try and make the time to write more regularly. I may lose readers, but that's okay, I already have many more readers then commenter's anyway. I may lose commenter's, that's okay too, I know how exhausting my life is, and sometimes there just isn't much for others to say anyway. I believe it is sorta like watching a train wreck in the making, people stop to rubberneck, but rarely step up to say anything. Either way, I appreciate all of you, whether you stick with me or not. I write for me and that is really the most important thing.

Pushing Limits Eliminates Stagnation

Pushing limits is something that happens often in this lifestyle, at least for us. So many of my soft limits have fallen away over the years, as well as hard limits transforming into soft limits. Every time that has happened it has felt very much like a victory for me. That doesn't always mean it has been easy though.

I think this last incident has been one of the hardest ones for me to deal with. I have never ever before felt as if I should have stopped things. Clearly I should have and maybe next time I will recognize those feelings and do just that. I say next time, cause there is always a next time, if there isn't, it quickly becomes stagnation.

While it was difficult for me to process everything, I did manage to do it. Having this place to write helps me sort through things. It also gives him a bit of insight as to where I am emotionally. The next step, depending on the situation, is to have an actual conversation, usually in bed, with me burying my head in his chest.

Yep, we did that. I knew he never meant to hurt me, and he did apologize. I did my best to explain how I felt when certain things were being said. Ya see, this was not him pushing my physical limits, but my cognitive ones. I sometimes think those are harder for me. I seem to be able to handle quite a bit physically and to react in the moment more easily if he is taking things to a place I'm not comfortable with, not so when he chooses to play in my head.

For the moment he has decided to take this particular scenario off the table. I have to say, that is a relief for me. I know at some point I will want to revisit it, because he is interested in it. I am very well aware that this thing we do is not just about me. It is about us and the journey we are on together. The things he wants, while maybe not something I may be interested in, are important to me. It is important to me that he find me and what I have to offer, pleasing and satisfying.

Most likely he will wait for more feedback from me before attempting this again. I also know that at some point, I don't know when, but at some point, I will turn my thoughts to what I need to do or need from him, to be comfortable trying this again. I'm a bit exhausted by all this right now, so I can't say it will be soon, but that's okay. When I do decide to address it again, I will think long and hard about the whole situation, what may have caused it to go so wrong for me and how to handle it better next time.

I won't tell him exactly what to do, that just isn't me, though I know he does wish I would do that sometimes. No, what I will probably do is write him a story, a scenario, that depicts how I imagine it will work. I have done this before and while he doesn't follow those scenario's to a T, that isn't what I expect anyway. What I am hoping for by presenting it that way, is to give him workable examples, that he can tailor to his own needs, that are appealing to me.

So, while this situation was hard for me, things are much better now. I have learned some things, which is always important to me and I think this also reminded him of some thing's too. Namely, that I am quite capable of being a silly girl. At least that's what he said during our talk. I can't say I disagree.

I Should Have

I should have used our safe word, except we don't have one. I've never felt we needed one. I've always trusted him to stop if I say stop, which I don't ever remember doing. I certainly could have this time, I wanted to, I should have, but I didn't.

I knew when we embarked on this lifestyle, at my request, that we were opening doors one or the other of us might not necessarily want to go through. Here's the thing though, I really thought it would be me opening doors he didn't want to go through. I didn't stop to think that he would want to take us in a totally different direction. A direction I am not comfortable going. Stupid of me, I know, but there you have it.

He's taken us down this path before and it's always been an uncomfortable experience for me. We've talked about that many times. He has assured me over and over again, that this is just a fantasy and that is enough for him. He tells me it is not something he wishes to act on, but he still enjoys the fantasy. Ok, that should make me feel better, I thought it did, but evidently that was not the case.

I've realized there are a couple reasons I didn't speak up when I started feeling uncomfortable. One is the fact that I didn't realize how deeply this would effect me. In the moment, it was just a bit of a turn off for me. Afterwards is when it began to grow and fester. It hit a nerve, a nerve that allowed insecurities and inadequacies to bubble up to the surface. I took things too personally, I'm not sure how a person is not supposed to take it personally, but I did and I let myself be emotionally hurt.

Typically, I'm not good at letting people see me hurt, so I hide behind anger. I knew that I had no reason to be angry at him, cause I should have spoken up. I should have told him how I was feeling. I should have handled the whole situation differently.

The other reason I didn't speak up and say no is because I want to please him. I want him to feel free to explore and share his fantasies, wants and needs with me. He does that for me, I should be able to provide the same courtesy for him. I don't want my own insecurities to place limits on us.

I realize that I have a lot of work to do in this area, I'm just not sure how.

Why

This is not going to be an easy post to write. I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I'm unsure if they will come out in any kind of cohesive manner. So, I guess I will just dive right in.

First let me say that Musicman reads every post I write. He sees this blog as a window into my mind, a way to gauge where I am at mentally and emotionally. None of the things I wrote in my last post are things he hasn't already heard me say before. That post was really just the tip of the iceberg, there is just so much I can't say here.

He is quite well aware of what the major frustration for me is being caused by. He knows what I would like to see happen to fix this issue. He doesn't agree with me, therefore it doesn't happen. That is the reality of being a 24/7 submissive wife.

He has explained and I understand exactly why he has made the decision he has. That doesn't necessarily make it any easier to live with though. And, I have been living with this issue for over a year now. That is an awful lot of frustration for any one person to have to deal with, everyone has a breaking point. I've hit mine more than once over the many months living with this issue. I don't know how many times I have written, but not published, posts very similar to my last one.

Then you can add in the issue that has had him so stressed out lately and you have the makings of a perfect storm. Except, in some ways, helping and supporting him as he worked to find an effective way to deal with that issue actually made things a bit easier for me. There were tangible things I could do to help, and I have been doing those things. We did find a way to fix the problem, but it isn't an over night fix, it takes time and patience.

During that time I practiced a lot of patience. I backed way off on expressing my needs or expecting him to be able to meet them. I understood completely why he was so remote, I didn't like it, but I understood and really tried not take it too personally. It was a very lonely time for me, he is my whole world and not having that connection with him was more painful than I can even begin to describe.

We are very close to reaping the benefits of our hard work and should have some relief for his issue very soon, within the next few weeks. That's a great thing. He has started to take small steps in coming back to me, but what I really need now is not small steps, I need him to run. I need his support to continue to deal with the issue that has me so frustrated.

We have discussed again, many, many times how to fix the problem. He agrees with me, but still has reservations. They are very legitimate reservations too. I understand it, but I don't agree with him. I feel as if I am being made to pay the consequences for someone else's bad choices. That causes a lot of resentment and ill feelings on my part, which is never helpful.

I hit my breaking point last week. Too many irritations, both at home and at work. Opportunities missed because he either he wasn't in the mood or wasn't paying attention. I hadn't slept well all week long. I found myself fighting the bad mood that comes with out of control hormones most of the week. Combine those things with something he does daily, that has the potential to really trigger my insecurities and I broke.

It was late, he was sleeping and the rage was just boiling up inside me. I knew, if I wanted to have any kind of peace, or get any sleep, I needed to get it out, so I wrote. It worked too, I was able to sleep and felt much better when I woke up. I hadn't attacked him as I have previously done, while still being able to honestly express my feelings. 

I could have not posted it, like I have done previously, but I chose not to do that. I needed him to see it. I needed to be heard, I needed to know that my feelings were just as valid as his. Ultimately, I need him to realize exactly how much I need him. Hopefully, that post and maybe this one, will get him to pay a little bit more attention to what is going on around him. Hopefully, he will start to be aware of the few opportunities we do get to be alone and he will make an effort to take better advantage of them. That would go a long way in helping me deal with the continuing issue that has me so upset.

Neither one of us is perfect, we make both make mistakes, it's how we recover from them that is so important. While I may, while upset, think about running away, I will never do that. We both agreed, before we ever married, that divorce is not an option for us. We agreed, whatever comes our way, we will work through it, together, and that's exactly what we will do. It sometimes gets messy and ugly and can be very painful, but we will ultimately, get through it.  Having this place to write, and the support of friends is a priceless gift to me. Thank you to all who have stopped by to give encouragement or even a swift kick in the pants, cause sometimes I need that too.