If Even For a Moment

Musicman and I have been together for more than half our lives, and we're no spring chickens. I barely remember a time when he wasn't in my life. More than likely, that's because my life before him wasn't worth remembering.

He's always been a naturally dominant man. Other than the first couple of years, the years I think of as my learning curve, I have been naturally submissive to him. It's a comfortable place for me, a place I enjoy being, a place where I've always been happy and content.

He dictates where I live my life. He dictates how I live my life on a day to day basis. I dress according to his pleasure. I cook according to his pleasure. I conduct my business of the day, according to his needs. This is something I agreed to. I had total knowledge that that was what I was agreeing to, despite the fact that I didn't have the words Dominance/submission in my head, at the time.

That's just the way it's been for us, for almost 30 years now.  The kink side came into play much later, though I don't think we ever could have been considered strictly vanilla either. Sex has always been a strong connection between us, but the demons from my past, inhibited my ability to truly accept who I was, for longer than I care to admit.

Yes, I know, it sounds like I totally did things backwards. In truth, that doesn't surprise me a bit to admit. I have often done things contrary to what society says I should do. Life just seems to work that way for me, so I don't fight it.

There is literally only one area of our lives  that Musicman is not Dominant. That is when it comes to health issues. I in no way think it is a coincidence that he has such complex health issues and ended up with me. Arrogant of me to say, but I know he could have no better caregiver or patient advocate than me.  

Therein lies the struggle. He is naturally dominant. He is used to me submitting to him in how things occur in our lives. He doesn't necessarily do so well when life dictates that he turn over control to me, if even for a moment.

That struggle isn't going so great right now. The day of his procedure was more of a challenge than I care to describe. Recovery is going so far from what I conceived, that it isn't even funny. Part of the problem is failure on his part to listen to me. The other part of the problem, is failure on my part to figure out exactly what it is that he needs and securing that for him.

At this point in time, I want to slap the crap out of everyone, the doctors and Musicman included. I need to make them all listen to me. Something isn't right. I refuse to be ignored. There is no submission here. I am going to ride roughshod over several people, until I get the results I am seeking.