A mind dump is exactly what I need right now. The last 48 hours have been a nightmare and it isn't over yet. I have spent them fighting to get Musicman the care he needs.
Due to a series of mistakes on the original surgeons part, Musicman is experiencing 2 major, life threatening, complications. He is very sick and in quite a lot of pain. Musicman realized yesterday that it was wise to release the pitbull and let her take care of him. He really has no other choice as he is too sick to care for himself.
Musicman was re-hospitalized yesterday morning and it has been a battle with that particular surgeon since that time. I really can't go into particulars, but, I hit my breaking point early this morning. It turns out, threatening to "pull off his balls and feed them to him, slowly, if he came anywhere near my husband again," got the attention that was needed.
I really hate when I get pushed that far, but I sure ain't afraid to go there when it's needed. I have been a professional caregiver for more then 30 years. I know good quality care when I see it and I know how to get it when I'm not seeing it. I wasn't seeing it and I did something about it. That's why Musicman calls me his pitbull, because I don't let go until I get what he needs.
The new surgeon came in to meet with us, along with the other 2 specialist that have joined the case since his admission to the hospital. Musicman greeted him, then pointed at me and told him to speak to the pitbull. I am very pleased with the new surgeon. I now have all the doctors on the same page and we are making progress. We still have a long way to go, but everything that needs to be done is being done.
In a way, it's a very odd, kind of surreal experience, to be in that place. A place where my big, strong dominant husband, seems to have been reduced to a shell of his former self. It's something that my submissive side, can't really deal with. I feel her standing in the back ground, watching, as the pitbull goes into battle.
Musicman and I have been in this place before and we will get through this. Most likely, we will be even stronger for it. At least, that's what I keep telling him. It really is as much a reminder for myself, as it is for him. I don't think we really needed this challenge right now, but I refuse to think of it any other way. I actively push the negative thoughts away and embrace only positive outcomes. That's not so easy to do in the late hours of the night, especially since I'm not used to him not being here in our bed with me.
Thank you all for the support. The comments, emails and messages have really helped me get through those long lonely moments. The moments, when his pain is under control and he's resting comfortably. I'm grateful for those moments, but he seems so far away. Those are the moments the scary thoughts try to creep in. Thank you for helping me fight them.