Life has just been a bit too much for me lately. I haven't had the time, or the inclination, to come here. Just the idea of focusing on this aspect of my life has felt like a slap in the face. Like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. It represents a part of my life that just can't be right now. Something I crave, yet is impossible to satiate.
After a week of the pitbull standing guard, I was finally able to bring my Musicman home. He was well enough after a few days that I returned to work. I love my job, but, it consumes a lot of energy. No matter how much energy it consumes, it's just a small fraction of the energy I have needed to meet all my obligations.
So many extraneous things that need to be dealt with on a minute to minute basis. Way to wearying to even begin to outline. I ignore the weaknesses that come with the minutiae of life, the ones that threaten to drag me under. I stand tall and strong and face all adversities, all the while refusing to acknowledge that I am crumbling inside.
I am a very strong woman. I can face anything life throws at me. I can go forever, like the energizer bunny, as long as I have one thing.
If I have my Musicman, 100% and at my side, I can do anything.
That is why I am feeling so drained. He's doing very well, recovering nicely, but not 100%. He just can't be there in the way I really need him to be. Something he and I define quite differently I might add.
He thinks I need this one thing. One he is quite proud that he is able to supply. I am proud of him for achieving this thing so quickly, only because I know it is important to him. For me, I really couldn't care less. This thing he finds so important, truly doesn't mean much to me. It's something I can do for myself any time I choose, much to his everlasting chagrin.
He focuses all his energy on that one thing, leaving none for what I truly need from him. At this moment, I accept that, because I know it's a HIM thing. I know he needs to do this, in this way, whether it works for me or not. By the way, it doesn't really work for me, but I'm not pushing. I just can't do that right now.
I simply love him to much, to do anything else, other than wait for him to fully return to me. I know he will, eventually. I just hope it's soon, cause I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on.