Something is different.
It's not just the fact that we have very little privacy.
It's something that goes deeper than that.
It's taken me awhile, and many, many thoughts, to figure out what it is, but, I finally did figure it out. Sorta.
What has changed, is the fact that I am once again the one in control. I'm the one leading. The one orchestrating everything, so that everyone is happy and fulfilled. Everyone that is, except me.
I've always been a very strong, dominant woman. I'm confident to the point of intimidation. I'm self assured and strong in my decisions. I have no problems stepping up to lead. There is some personal satisfaction to be gained for me.
The problem is, I don't actually want personal satisfaction. I don't want to lead, the personal satisfaction is not enough for me. I want the deeper fulfillment. That comes for me, with submission.
I need to know, that while I'm being strong, confident and in charge some one will step up and say, " It's okay, I've got your back. I'm here and I will not only care for you, I will take care of you."
You see, that is the first thing that goes by the wayside. He cares for me, but he doesn't take care OF me. There is a big difference in the two, at least for me.
When I'm in dominant mode, I provide, protect and care for everyone else. I make sure that every one's needs are met. The problem emerges when I fail to provide, protect and care for myself. That's an area I've always lacked in.
That's an area where I want, need and desire him to step in. I crave the dominance that makes me feel taken care of. For a woman who truly believes she can take on the world and win, realizing that I suck in caring for myself isn't all that easy. Admitting it and asking for help is darn near impossible.
At first, I thought I would be able to define what that looked liked. His Dominance. I soon learned otherwise. I learned that no matter what I really wanted, he was only willing to give so much. I learned to accept that for him, my strong need for dominance, was just a sexual game. Yes, I wanted more, but, I accepted that he would never give me more.
I did my best to adjust and achieved some small semblance of submission. It was enough to please him. So, I did my best to accept and embrace what he was willing to give. I told myself that it was the reality of being a submissive. I mentally talked myself into believing it was enough.
For awhile, it was enough. For awhile, I was quite happy with the way things were progressing. I could feel him embracing and becoming comfortable with the enhanced amount of Dominance I had asked for. He often surprised me with the things he wanted to do. Recognizing how he manipulated and used me was both surprising and exhilirating.
I was becoming much more acclimated and accepting of the things he proposed. I thrived, soon wanting to go deeper. I wanted to explore. I trusted. I wanted more than I can even define.
Then things began to change. Things began to fall apart. Everything we had, fell by the wayside. The focus of our lives changed, despite the fact that I fought against it. I fought to hang on to that small semblance of a D/s lifestyle. I fought to hang on to, and be the person, that feels so natural for me.
Now, even that is gone. I'm left floundering. Trying my best to stand up, be the leader they all need. I suppress the wants and needs that threaten to overwhelm me. I'm too tired to fight and/or push for what I want at the moment. Honestly, I have no idea what that might be. That makes me sad.