Monday, September 30, 2013

Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

Something's changed.

Something is different.

It's not just the fact that we have very little privacy.

It's something that goes deeper than that.

It's taken me awhile, and many, many thoughts, to figure out what it is, but, I finally did figure it out. Sorta.

What has changed, is the fact that I am once again the one in control. I'm the one leading. The one orchestrating everything, so that everyone is happy and fulfilled. Everyone that is, except me.

I've always been a very strong, dominant woman. I'm confident to the point of intimidation. I'm self assured and strong in my decisions. I have no problems stepping up to lead. There is some personal satisfaction to be gained for me.

The problem is, I don't actually want personal satisfaction. I don't want to lead, the personal satisfaction is not enough for me. I want the deeper fulfillment. That comes for me, with submission.

I need to know, that while I'm being strong, confident and in charge some one will step up and say, " It's okay, I've got your back. I'm here and I will not only care for you, I will take care of you."

You see, that is the first thing that goes by the wayside. He cares for me, but he doesn't take care OF me. There is a big difference in the two, at least for me.

When I'm in dominant mode, I provide, protect and care for everyone else. I make sure that every one's needs are met. The problem emerges when I fail to provide, protect and care for myself. That's an area I've always lacked in.

That's an area where I want, need and desire him to step in. I crave the dominance that makes me feel taken care of. For a woman who truly believes she can take on the world and win, realizing that I suck in caring for myself isn't all that easy. Admitting it and asking for help is darn near impossible.

At first, I thought I would be able to define what that looked liked. His Dominance. I soon learned otherwise. I learned that no matter what I really wanted, he was only willing to give so much. I learned to accept that for him, my strong need for dominance, was just a sexual game. Yes, I wanted more, but, I accepted that he would never give me more.

I did my best to adjust and achieved some small semblance of submission. It was enough to please him. So, I did my best to accept and embrace what he was willing to give. I told myself that it was the reality of being a submissive. I mentally talked myself into believing it was enough.

For awhile, it was enough. For awhile, I was quite happy with the way things were progressing. I could feel him embracing and becoming comfortable with the enhanced amount of Dominance I had asked for. He often surprised me with the things he wanted to do. Recognizing how he manipulated and used me was both surprising and exhilirating.

I was becoming much more acclimated and accepting of the things he proposed. I thrived, soon wanting to go deeper. I wanted to explore. I trusted. I wanted more than I can even define.

Then things began to change. Things began to fall apart. Everything we had, fell by the wayside. The focus of our lives changed, despite the fact that I fought against it. I fought to hang on to that small semblance of a D/s lifestyle. I fought to hang on to, and be the person, that feels so natural for me.

Now, even that is gone. I'm left floundering. Trying my best to stand up, be the leader they all need. I suppress the wants and needs that threaten to overwhelm me. I'm too tired to fight and/or push for what I want at the moment. Honestly, I have no idea what that might be. That makes me sad.

 



20 comments:

  1. This is a very depressing post Faerie. You have to snap out of it. Be dominant in your submission. Stand up and ask for what you want and need. Caregivers have to take care of themselves first. Be a good girl and DO IT.

    HUGS and lots of them.

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    1. I'm trying to snap out of it, but I'm just stretched to thin right now to worry much about what I need. As for being a good girl, well, I've NEVER been one before, so why start now?

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  2. I've been where you are with much less reason. We don't have outside forces pulling and pushing us. He just basically doesn't like the dominate roll and I just stop asking. But Musicman does like being dominate, he just won't fight for the chance with all the outside forces blocking him. You can get it back sometime, i know you can.

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    1. I do understand that he is just as distracted by all the changes as I am, but honestly, most of the responsibility for things has fallen on me. It would be nice if he would see this and step up a bit more, but the lack of privacy makes it hard for either one of us to get into the right mindset. I know some day that will change, I just worry it won't be soon enough.

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  3. Faerie,

    All good things come around again...;) Like me - noplaceformrnoname on blogger

    TTFN
    Mr. No Name

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    1. Mr. No Name, it's so nice to hear from you. Hope all is well with you and the family. Of course there is a place for you in blogland, and I for hope this means you are going to start blogging again.

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  4. Fairie, i haven't am sorry to read been around much, i am sorry to read this. I sort of know how you feel, it has been over month since any real dominance in my life and just today i was thniking if just (figuratively) running away and living with out it....it is just too hard to have had it and miss it. But i reread some of my blog....it is worth fighting for....for both of us. Hubby can be dominant.....that is a big deal...go with it.....ask for what you need...
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, you had good reason to not be around much, it's nice to see you are well enough to be around again. It does kinda suck when you have everything you want and then through no fault of our own it all goes away. Right now I am just lying to myself to try and convince myself I don't need this. If I do that it doesn't hurt as much to not have it. Don't know how long I can keep it up, but for the moment I'm going with it.

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  5. This post really speaks to me. I have been thinking a lot about dominance and submission and realizing that is the missing piece left unexplored for me. I am sorry you are feeling sad. I somehow know you will both find it again, find that missing element. I hope soon you feel not only cared for but taken care of. Hugs

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    1. I'm not surprised you identified with this post. It was some of the things we chatted about that really helped me figure out what the problem is. Thanks for that :) I haven't entirely given up on getting what I need, I just can't focus too much on it because it just makes me so very sad.

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  6. Sorry to hear you've hit this bump in the road. I wish I knew what advice to give you so I will just wish you the best. Good luck.

    FD

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    1. Thanks for the well wishes :) Sometimes life just seems to be nothing but a series of bumps in the road. Hopefully soon we will get past the rough patches and start to rebuild what we had.

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  7. I sure hope you can get back what you need and desire Maybe we all have natural changes and challenges that interfere with what works best in our relationships.
    It is hard when we are good at taking care of everyone but ourselves....
    However I think we all can get through these 'times' by working through them and asking for what we need.

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    1. I know this will pass but for right now I just can't even think much about what I need. I haven't been able to figure out yet how to get that with so many things going on and thinking about what I don't have is too depressing.

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  8. Some lovely words of support given, and i can only add to that buy saying..dont give up, fight for what you need because its not a want..its a need!

    x

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    1. Oh tori, you are so right it is a need, not just a want. Currently, I am actively lying about that, to myself, in an attempt to deal with it without loosing my ever lovin' mind. It works somewhat, though I highly doubt it is really a good thing for me to do.

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  9. I do hope for both of your sakes he comes around and sees you both work best when he is Dominant. *hug* Keep your chin up, and be submissively serene.

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    1. Thanks Mickey, serene is definitely not a word I could associate with myself right now. But maybe someday.

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  10. How unfair of life to take these twists and turns when you were just settling into a groove! Dammit! I'm sorry that things are downside up --and very much hoping that things reverse to something better for you both once more. *hugs* nilla

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    1. Thanks nilla, life really can be a bitch sometimes. Guess I just need to suck it up and hope for better times to come.

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