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I wasn't out of control or crying or anything else. I was just a bit quiet. That's always an indication for him that something is off with me. He asked me a few times what was wrong. My answer was always nothing, I'm fine. We both know when I say I'm fine, I'm not. But I didn't want to tell him what the problem was.
The reason I didn't want to tell him what the problem was is because the problem was him. He was tired, when he gets tired he disengages. He can be in the same room with me physically, but he is a long way from being with me. That makes me sad and it doesn't help that there isn't anything I can do but wait for him to come back to me. I also never want to tell him what is going on because he gets defensive. That never helps the situation, so I stay quiet.
At one point he came over to where I was sitting and pulled me up and said he was going to take me up stairs and help me feel better. That means he is going to spank me. I'm a spanko, I always want that, unless I'm feeling a bit off. Then I try to talk my way out of it. If I'm trying to talk my way out of it, it's a sure indication I really need it.
Usually, trying to talk him out of giving me a spanking doesn't work. It did work Sunday, he backed down and left me alone. We finished the day the way we had begun, with me being quiet and him being disengaged. Not the best of days for us.
He tried to fix things Monday morning by waking me up with a spanking and sex. It was great, but just didn't quite pull me all the way back. Sometimes when I'm feeling off I need more then usual and that was the case Monday. Unfortunately I've never been able to voice that fact. Just another thing I need to work on I guess.
Musicman had the day off from work and we both really wanted to have a nice day together. Our plans for the day got rained out so we just did some errands and house work. I wish I could say it was a lovely day and things were great. That would be a lie.
Things weren't bad, just a bit strained. We aren't connecting well and I don't know how to fix it. I did something I shouldn't have done that has made the situation worse. I need a time machine so I can go back to Sunday. I want to change my answer please.
A time machine and a transporter (to take me places that I need to go). With both of those, life would be much sweeter. Sorry its a rough week.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, I forgot about a transporter. That would be grand wouldn't it?
DeleteI'm sorry you are having a difficult time. That scenario speaks to me in a very real way. I hope a time machine shows up at your doorstep. Best wishes and I hope the two of you reconnect soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are experiencing this too. I know I shouldn't let it bother me so much, but I'm still a work in progress :)
DeleteI hope you reconnect soon. I could sure use a time machine as well.
ReplyDeleteBig Hug,
joey
Thanks joeyred, if I find a time machine, I'll let you know :)
DeleteOh a time machine would be wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHope you find your way to ease and getting back to whatever your norm is :o)
Not there yet, but we will get there. I'm a bit stubborn when it comes to things like that, average and ordinary just doesn't cut it for me :)
DeleteWouldn't that be great? I always wish I could go back and fix things or mistakes I made. However then I wonder if I would be the same person I am now if I could. TOO SERIOUS a thought. Hope that you both get back to your perfect place.
ReplyDeleteI've had that same TOO SERIOUS thought myself. Honestly of all the horrible things I have experienced in my past, I wouldn't chnage them if I could. I like the person I am, even if I took the tough road to get here :)
DeleteIt happens, sorry you didn't answer him the way you should have. Been there, done that. Maybe next time you will think twice about talking your way out of one. Although honestly, I always try to talk my way out of one and when it works, I am just that much more frustrated. And yet, I keep doing it.
ReplyDeleteHope you get to connect soon.
That is the only time it has worked and it did leave me more frustrated. Hope I remember that next time, then I can chalk it all up as a learning experience :)
DeleteI say use the time machine to go forward and see if you get a really great spanking next time. You could set it on Spank Hop and when you're feeling unsure you can skip to all the great spankings in your future and relive them before they happen :)
ReplyDeleteGreat idea, I will have to give it a try. Just as soon as I get that time machine hooked up, lol.
DeleteFor what it's worth - all the things i've most wished to be able to go back and change have been the ones that ultimately moved us forward the most. Hope it works out for the better one way or another quickly.
ReplyDeleteThanks gg, you're probably right about it being something that moves us forward. It's just so frustrating in the moment :)
DeleteI think sometimes we want to say no just so they can force us into the spanking, at least I know that's the way works it my pea brain sometimes. I hope you two get your connetion back soon, unfortunatley soem days are just like that.
ReplyDeleteI think you may be right, I think I really needed him to force the issue some. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and may not ever happen.
DeleteI agree with dacing's first sentence...and we have all been there. I have just received my re-connect from Master...hope yours happens soon!
ReplyDeletehugs abby
I agree too, maybe someday it will happen that way. Welcome home, so glad you got your reconnection. I'm sure ours will happen sometime :)
DeleteI hope Musicman reads your post, if not...give him a copy. Communication is so hard and yet it is usually the key to fixing things. It can jut be so hard sometimes. I'm sorry. I completely agree with those who responded before me, sometimes I say no or talk my way around when what I really want is for Him to force the issue, demand submission, fight for me. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHe reads here so at some point he will read it. Whether he does anything in response or not is still up in the air.
DeleteI understand for sure. But I sometimes I wonder just how far I'd want to go back. Sometimes I think I'd go all the way back to when Nick and I first met and be honest with him right from the start. I often wonder how our lives might be different.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, you'll have a chance to answer the question again and you'll get it right.
Hugs,
PK
I guess if I only want to go back a few days, that isn't so bad. There really isn't much in general I would change about our years together. I'm glad you have faith I will get it right next time, I'm not so sure :)
DeleteI'm sorry you felt disconnected. Asking for it or admitting we need it can be so tricky sometimes. He probably feels the same way and if you talk he will better understand your need and that letting you off is probably not the right thing. I hope you get your reconnection soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Zoe, it is tricky and I have a feeling we will continue to get it wrong on occasion. Hopefully though, we will get it right more often :)
DeleteThe great thing about blogging is that you have somewhere to come to when you want to share your inner thoughts. I hope that just writing them down helps you deal with the situation. Good luck. You and Musicman are two wonderful people and I hope you can connect more and be on the same page more often in the future.
ReplyDeleteFD
It does help to have somewhere to write it all out. That keeps it from festering into something worse in mind. We haven't gotten entirely over this blip yet, but we will :)
DeleteOh faerie, dear, you're not the only one who was "off' this weekend. Mrs. AP and I both felt it. There's been something in the air. I'm sorry it hit you too. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteStay SINful
Mr. AP
I'm sorry to hear that you have been experiencing it too. Sucks don't it? And not in a good way :) Here's hoping we all start feeling better connected soon.
DeleteAw, I'm sorry you are feeling this way :( I wish the spanking had helped, it is usually pretty good at that, but I guess it can't be the cure-all.
ReplyDeleteYour faerie picture is so expressive, sitting on her moon. It definitely captures the emotions.
I hope you start to feel better. (((hugs))))
I wish it had worked too, still not entirely sure why it didn't. I guess thems the breaks sometimes, lol.
DeleteI'm glad you liked her, the look on the moons face really spoke to me.
oh faerie hugs it happens and its not nice, i feel sometimes like i need a Jimminy Cricket on my shoulder to be my consience and tell me whats the right thing to say/do but alas i bumble along making mistakes...but all these mistakes are a learning curve.
ReplyDeletexx
If you find Jimminy Cricket, could you ask if he has a friend? I swear I will listen to him :) Until then, much like you, I will keep bumbling along and be happy when I get it right.
Deletewould it help to just tell him about it in the NOW about what you thought on that day (whenever it was?)
ReplyDeletei mean u said something on sunday you want to now go back and change right?
So sit him down now and say hey, i wish i had a time machine... and tell him why. there. maybe?
i'm just sharing what i've done before...
if not, then accept these HUGS AND KISSES instead ;)
Thanks, I'll definitely take the hugs and kisses :) This is old territory for us, I think it just kinda caught me by surprise this time.
Deletefaerie, hopefully by now he has read this post or you have talked to
ReplyDeletehim and the two of you have worked your way through it. Communicating and working
through things is the only option I know of that works.
Sara
Things are better Sara, thanks. Communication is important, its just not something he does very well, especially when stressed. As hard as it is for me sometimes giving him some space is the best thing I can do for him.
DeleteYeah, if you ever find one of those time machine thingies, let me know. I have a few uses for it myself. Maybe we could bundle it up in a two-for-one special with the cloning kit I'm looking for and all kinds of problems would get solved!
ReplyDeleteI like the two-for-one special idea. I'll let you know if I ever find a time machine and you can do the same with the cloning kit, lol. :)
Delete