Tuesday, August 7, 2012

He's got mail...I've got butterflies

I'm feeling a bit anxious today. I know why I'm feeling anxious, sorta. That doesn't exactly help much though. See, I feel like I am orchestrating my own doom. Like I'm too stupid to leave well enough alone. Things are going great here, why can't I just go with that?

Well, I am, sorta. Unfortunately just because things are going great doesn't necessarily mean I stop thinking about things. I had a bit of an epiphany a week or so ago. I finally unraveled a particularly large knot. That led to a moment of clarity and some ideas of ways to move forward.

Only I didn't feel ready to tackle those ideas, or do anything with them. They were easy to ignore cause of starting the new job. Now things are settled with the job and I still want to ignore the ideas, sorta. With everything going well, I don't feel the need to rock the boat. Yet, I can't forget about the times in the past when things haven't gone so well.

Those times spawned these brilliant ideas of mine. I thought on them quite a bit and even tried to bring them up in conversation with Musicman. Not much success with that. I never manage to do much but cause massive frustration for myself when I try to talk about anything major with this lifestyle. It's quite literally the only subject that leaves me speechless.

So I resorted to the old tried and true email method of communication. It works, but it pisses me off that I can't just speak up and say what I need to say. That frustration is compounded by the fact that Musicman never checks his email. I have to tell him I sent him one, or it will sit there unread for months possibly.

You would think that after taking 3 days to try and express myself intelligently in an email it would be easy to tell him I sent it. Yeah, not so much. I sent it yesterday, as far as I know he still doesn't know its there, cause I haven't said anything. Which makes me wonder why I find it so hard to tell him.

What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? He is either gonna read it and find it totally ridiculous and ignore it. Or, he's gonna read it and like my ideas, maybe have some questions about them. Whether Musicman finds my ideas ridiculous or not, he never laughs at me, so the first scenario is highly unlikely. The second scenario doesn't sound so scary, so why all the anxiety?

I think I know the answer to that and I don't like it. The answer is because I don't think I'm worth his time or effort. Because I see this as something he does for me and I don't feel like I deserve that. I don't know where this is coming from, not Musicman that's for sure. In fact he's not gonna be real happy when he reads it, but it's the truth.

I don't really know why I sometimes feel so inadequate, but there it is. I compensate by being strong and independent and taking care of everyone else. I don't need anyone to take care of me, if I let them then I'd owe them something. I can't owe anyone anything. They might demand something I can't give, then what do I do? 

I feel like I'm poised to step off a ledge, once I do I know I will be free to fly. I just can't do it, I can't take that step. I need a push and I'm too afraid to ask him to push me. Oh, I confuse myself sometimes. I'm sure it doesn't need to be this difficult. Could someone please tell me where I can get a copy of Life for Dummies? I sure could use it right now.

34 comments:

  1. Oh yes. The email scenario. Been there like yourself, done that like yourself, we will both probably still be doing it next year! Ok so, I'll send you my copy ok? :)

    Dee x

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    1. LOL, yeah we will both probably still be doing it next year :)You send me yours, I'll send you mine.

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  2. You don't have much choice - the email is sent, he'll find it some time. Just tell him it's there. It's going to drive you crazy until you do! Go for it girl!

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. It is driving me crazy, it's a short drive though, lol. I always feel so brave, until I hit that send button :)

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  3. Does he have a cell phone? One that he actually uses, haha? If so, instead of braving it to tell him, text him!!! I hate telling Davey that stuff too. I email him but he checks his emails all the time, so I'm lucky, I guess!!!

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    1. No we don't have cell phones, shocking, I know :) I sorta cheated anyway, he reads here, needless to say he found the email.

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  4. Just tell him about the email- sometimes ripping the bandaid off is the best way to go.

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    1. I had intended too, I just missed my window of opportunity and so I had to wait for the next one, which I also missed :)

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  5. OK..I do the email thing also..used to do it in the middle of the night. I also think you are right on with your thinking....most of us were/are independent types who are used to taking care of others...someone taking care of us, because they want to??? hard to swallow.

    After I send the email, I always let Him know, cause he rarely check, and it is not worth all that anxiety and waiting...
    hugs abby

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    1. I don't think I've sent any middle of the night ones, but I have done middle of the night posts :) I really did not intend to wait so long, it just kinda worked out that way.

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  6. How will I know limits from lies
    If I never try

    Fly
    On these second-hand wings
    Ready to find out
    What impossible means
    Float through the heavens
    On feathers and dreams
    'Cause the melting point of wax means nothing to me

    Thrice
    "The Melting Point of Wax"

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    1. I love this, thank you for sharing. It's going on the fridge :) I have an array of inspirational and motivational things on my fridge, where I can see them often.

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  7. I feel that way too sometimes and wish I could find that book but unfotunately it has yet to hit the bookshelves my friend.

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    1. Dang, I really need that book, lol.

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  8. I would tell him just so you know...

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    1. Well, I sorta did. He reads here, he found the email.

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  9. I think you are awesome- please accept this unicorn as a symbol of how awesome you are!

    http://lifeunderafirmhand.blogspot.com/2012/08/honored.html

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  10. Aw ((((faerie))) that sounds hard. Think of all the things you do give him, though. You care so much that you would spend three days agonizing over trying to make your relationship as great as it can be. I think that's a great thing. I do hope it works out. I'd say tell him, but obviously that's way easier said than done.

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    1. My Momma always said there is more then one way to skin a cat. I just resorted to a different way of telling him. He reads here, so he found it. Not exactly how I planned it, but it worked.

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  11. You could always print it out and either put it in snail mail, put it in an envelope and include in his lunch if he takes one, or on his pillow. You know what you said to me the other day - just a reminder bawk bawk bawk bawk, are you flapping your wings yet. LOL

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    1. Yes, I remember what I said to you, and I figured you would remember too :) I'm definitely doing the chicken dance, lol.

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  12. Sometimes we waste so much energy over-thinking things. We agonize and agonize over our needs. I am guilty as well!
    I would put it in his lunch, then he has time- and so do you.

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    1. I'm definitely guilty of over thinking things. It still surprises Musicman how much I do it. He found it, problem solved :)

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  13. Oh sugar! I'm in the text him camp. but set your intent and then turn it over to the fairies and let them handle it. And give yourself some love - you took a big step by communicating with a heartfelt email and discussing your needs and wants. Yay for you!!!

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    1. Can't text, don't have a cell phone and don't know how to text. Yes, I'm a dinosaur, lol. He reads here, so I knew he would find it after he read about it here. It was not the way I intended for things to go, but it's what happened.

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  14. and you've been nominated:
    http://www.reneeroseromance.com/2012/08/all-about-unicorns.html

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    1. Thanks, I'll go check it out soon.

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  15. I'm working on this kind of conversation. Started with buying Lisa her own Samsung tablet computer. Now I need to find the time to write her emails.
    Please be careful at that ledge. I think Musicman needs you tonight. Have you tested those wings thoroughly?

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    1. Good luck with emailing Lisa, it's not as easy as you might think. Or, maybe for you it will be :) Maybe it's just me that is a big ole chicken, lol.

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  16. I hope by now he has read it and you have talked, connected seen that love and acceptance in each other's eyes.

    I'm a chicken...I hardly ever write M a scary email, so good for you Faerie.

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    1. Yes, he found it and read it. We did talk and I feel much better. Of course, that may have something to do with the magic paddle he used last night, lol.

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  17. Well it seems like most all of us resort to some kind of writing to tell our mates what we want to but are afraid to say out loud. Hope Musicman read your email and responded the way you wanted or needed

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    1. I wish it wasn't so hard too just speak up, but I haven't conquered it yet :) He did read it and responded quite well to it.

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