I'm feeling a bit anxious today. I know why I'm feeling anxious, sorta. That doesn't exactly help much though. See, I feel like I am orchestrating my own doom. Like I'm too stupid to leave well enough alone. Things are going great here, why can't I just go with that?
Well, I am, sorta. Unfortunately just because things are going great doesn't necessarily mean I stop thinking about things. I had a bit of an epiphany a week or so ago. I finally unraveled a particularly large knot. That led to a moment of clarity and some ideas of ways to move forward.
Only I didn't feel ready to tackle those ideas, or do anything with them. They were easy to ignore cause of starting the new job. Now things are settled with the job and I still want to ignore the ideas, sorta. With everything going well, I don't feel the need to rock the boat. Yet, I can't forget about the times in the past when things haven't gone so well.
Those times spawned these brilliant ideas of mine. I thought on them quite a bit and even tried to bring them up in conversation with Musicman. Not much success with that. I never manage to do much but cause massive frustration for myself when I try to talk about anything major with this lifestyle. It's quite literally the only subject that leaves me speechless.
So I resorted to the old tried and true email method of communication. It works, but it pisses me off that I can't just speak up and say what I need to say. That frustration is compounded by the fact that Musicman never checks his email. I have to tell him I sent him one, or it will sit there unread for months possibly.
You would think that after taking 3 days to try and express myself intelligently in an email it would be easy to tell him I sent it. Yeah, not so much. I sent it yesterday, as far as I know he still doesn't know its there, cause I haven't said anything. Which makes me wonder why I find it so hard to tell him.
What am I afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? He is either gonna read it and find it totally ridiculous and ignore it. Or, he's gonna read it and like my ideas, maybe have some questions about them. Whether Musicman finds my ideas ridiculous or not, he never laughs at me, so the first scenario is highly unlikely. The second scenario doesn't sound so scary, so why all the anxiety?
I think I know the answer to that and I don't like it. The answer is because I don't think I'm worth his time or effort. Because I see this as something he does for me and I don't feel like I deserve that. I don't know where this is coming from, not Musicman that's for sure. In fact he's not gonna be real happy when he reads it, but it's the truth.
I don't really know why I sometimes feel so inadequate, but there it is. I compensate by being strong and independent and taking care of everyone else. I don't need anyone to take care of me, if I let them then I'd owe them something. I can't owe anyone anything. They might demand something I can't give, then what do I do?
I feel like I'm poised to step off a ledge, once I do I know I will be free to fly. I just can't do it, I can't take that step. I need a push and I'm too afraid to ask him to push me. Oh, I confuse myself sometimes. I'm sure it doesn't need to be this difficult. Could someone please tell me where I can get a copy of Life for Dummies? I sure could use it right now.