It's only Wednesday

I've started and abandoned this post many times today. I just can't quite find the right starting point. So I am just gonna dive in with the warning that I might be all over the place with it.

We seem to be in a bit of a growth period. That's a very good thing, but sometimes it makes my head spin too. So many subtle changes going on that I just can't keep up.

We have had some things that didn't work so well. He had been pushing me to find a video I liked. I know why he wanted me to do this, but I still found it difficult. I told him if this was something he wanted he really needed to push it and not give me a choice. He pushed, I failed, he spanked me. It was probably supposed to be a punishment type spanking, but that just doesn't work for me. It did however, motivate me to make the time to find something.

We have watched porn vids together for years so it should not have been a big deal to find one. Ummmm....yeah, it was a big thing. I like porn, but I'm very picky about what I will watch. He also didn't want just any old vanilla porn vid. He wanted me to find something that I liked, sorta a visual example for him of what I find enticing.

The problem is, I find most kink or BDSM vids too raw and intense for my tastes.  It's never a good thing when I'm watching one and I have to look away in disgust or run for the bathroom to be ill. But that is usually what seems to happen for me. The visual is just too much for me. With some effort, I found one. The intensity of it was a bit more then I would have liked, but it didn't have any actual activities that grossed me out. Time came to share it with him.

It didn't go so well, he found the intensity of it difficult to watch too, so we turned it off. Unfortunately, the comments he made left me feeling pretty bereft and remote. I just really, really wanted to run and hide. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to think about it. It sparked a monumental fight between Em and Rat in my mind that raged for about 24 hours, despite the fact that he had gone on to spank me and fuck my brains out.

The good thing about it all is that Rat won that fight. I did not spiral down, though I did become kinda quiet. Always a cause of concern for Musicman. That led to an elightening conversation that I think really helped us both. It also led to the first ever spanking not followed by sex. That is a major step for us. It is something we have talked just a little bit about in the past. Neither one of us was very sure how well that would go over. We both worried that my reaction would be negative. I'm quite happy to report that my reaction was anything but negative. Yay, another door opened.

We also had another first this week. I've never been much of a picture person. If the cameras come out, I head for the hills. I haven't had a camera since my kids were young. That camera was the old fashioned film kind. Kinda hard to take naughty pics of yourself if you have to take them somewhere to get developed. We don't have cell phones. I don't know how to text, much less sext. But, recently I have been wanting a camera, not really sure why, I just did.

We went shopping this weekend and Musicman bought me a digital camera. I'm still learning how to use it. My first success was doing the magic paddle pics post. My man is a bit of a voyeur, I'm a bit of an exhibionist, though I really don't like the way I look in pictures.

I spent yesterday doing some self pics and managed to put together a rather nice slideshow that I then sent to Musicman via email. That was an easy email to tell him about.  One thing I learned is self pics aren't as easy to do as I thought. The other thing I learned is that I kinda liked doing it. They involved me, in a very feminine white lacy sundress and my nipple clamps. I think he liked them. And today, I have several ideas for more pics. The camera takes videos too, and he has several ideas about that which I find quite enticing. Yay, another door opened.

So, over all, a pretty good week, and it's only wednesday.