Many of you have expressed curiosity at this thing my husband has proposed. I've received more than one email asking me what it is also. I have only shared with one blogger friend, and that was after she guessed what it was. No I do not want you trying to guess, and I'm not purposely trying to create intrigue. There are reasons why I haven't said what IT is.
The first reason is because it's embarrassing. This thing is something that I NEVER understood. Why would anyone want to do THAT? It never struck me as something someone would receive any kind of sexual pleasure from. I do know that people do this and apparently enjoy, but I was never one of those people. There is a certain amount of humiliation involved, not something I have previously been attracted too. I still don't think I am, yet I am considering it. Confused much!?!
In past discussions about this thing, Musicman has not really been able to explain WHY he wants to try it. I didn't really understand that either. How could he want to do something, yet have no understanding of why? Obviously, I no longer think that way. I can't explain why I like being spanked so much, or why it turns me on.
The next reason I don't want to name it yet is because I find it scary. Let me be clear here, I am not afraid of the act, nor am I afraid of my husband. This is not something that will hurt me or mark me in any way. What I am afraid of is my reaction to it. Just the fact that I am thinking about it is a huge shift in thinking for me. When I say it has been a hard limit, I mean a HARD limit.
I still don't see it as a sexual act, but I do understand now that it could be a very powerful act of Dominance. It seems like it would really change the tone of our relationship, like it would really firmly give him the power. I know that is what he is looking for, cause he said so. He told me Dominance to him is all about discipline and control. I can't get that statement out of my head.
Yes, that is what I want, but what if I fail? What if I can't give him what he wants? What if I'm not really a good sub? What if I just want it on my terms? I don't think it is supposed to work that way. I would be very disappointed in myself if he asked for this one thing and I couldn't do it, or if we did and I reacted badly.
It also scares me because this has previously been a very hard limit for me. If we do this, it will be a redefinition of limits for me. How do I do that? What if I have no limits? That doesn't seem like a good thing. I have never been good with limits and boundaries, and now life long ones seem to be falling by the wayside so fast it is making me dizzy. I'm just very confused by all the thoughts and emotions this is bringing up for me.
I would like to stress that Musicman is not pressuring me to do this. He mentioned it once and I have become fixated on it. I'm realizing what the implications of it could mean to me. I'm not sure I'm ready for those. Yet, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am by it.
Having just re-read what I wrote, I think the thing that scares me the most is the fact that maybe I am ready and am just afraid to admit it. For a women who just a year ago didn't know she was submissive, this feels like a giant leap right into it, and once I make that leap I don't think there will be any going back.
I don't know that this will happen this weekend even though he mentioned it. We do still have the issue of privacy to deal with. We continue to have carfuls of teenagers at our house in the evenings. Yes, we could tell them to go away, but we probably won't do that. Most of these kids are inner city kids from unstable homes. Some have been in trouble with the law, some have been bounced around the foster system and have no concept of family. One young couple that comes have a month old baby that they are struggling to care for on there own. I held the baby the other day and in talking to the parents it came out that Musicman and I have been together for 27 years. You could hear the shock and disbelief in their voices.
Our home has become the safe place for these kids to come hangout at. Even though we don't appreciate the intrusion into our privacy, we do realize it is better to have them here then roaming the streets and getting into trouble, and that includes our son.
I'm going to end here as I have to get ready for work. I hope this made some kind of sense, cause I'm too confused to know right now. For you very sharp readers, I left a subtle clue somewhere in this post, or maybe not so subtle.