Friday, June 22, 2012

Why I Don't Want To Say What I Haven't Said

Many of you have expressed curiosity at this thing my husband has proposed.  I've received more than one email asking me what it is also. I have only shared with one blogger friend, and that was after she guessed what it was. No I do not want you trying to guess, and I'm not purposely trying to create intrigue. There are reasons why I haven't said what IT is.

The first reason is because it's embarrassing. This thing is something that I NEVER understood. Why  would anyone want to do THAT? It never struck me as something someone would receive any kind of sexual pleasure from. I do know that people do this and apparently enjoy, but I was never one of those people. There is a certain amount of humiliation involved, not something I have previously been attracted too. I still don't think I am, yet I am considering it. Confused much!?!

In past discussions about this thing, Musicman has not really been able to explain WHY he wants to try it. I didn't really understand that either. How could he want to do something, yet have no understanding of why? Obviously, I no longer think that way. I can't explain why I like being spanked so much, or why it turns me on.

The next reason I don't want to name it yet is because I find it scary. Let me be clear here, I am not afraid of the act, nor am I afraid of my husband. This is not something that will hurt me or mark me in any way. What I am afraid of is my reaction to it. Just the fact that I am thinking about it is a huge shift in thinking for me. When I say it has been a hard limit, I mean a HARD limit.

I still don't see it as a sexual act, but I do understand now that it could be a very powerful act of Dominance. It seems like it would really change the tone of our relationship, like it would really firmly give him the power. I know that is what he is looking for, cause he said so. He told me Dominance to him is all about discipline and control. I can't get that statement out of my head.

Yes, that is what I want, but what if I fail? What if I can't give him what he wants? What if I'm not really a good sub? What if I just want it on my terms? I don't think it is supposed to work that way. I would be very disappointed in myself if he asked for this one thing and I couldn't do it, or if we did and I reacted badly.

It also scares me because this has previously been a very hard limit for me. If we do this, it will be a redefinition of limits for me. How do I do that? What if I have no limits? That doesn't seem like a good thing. I have never been good with limits and boundaries, and now life long ones seem to be falling by the wayside so fast it is making me dizzy.  I'm just very confused by all the thoughts and emotions this is bringing up for me.

I would like to stress that Musicman is not pressuring me to do this. He mentioned it once and I have become fixated on it. I'm realizing what the implications of it could mean to me. I'm not sure I'm ready for those. Yet, the more I think about it, the more intrigued I am by it. 

Having just re-read what I wrote, I think the thing that scares me the most is the fact that maybe I am ready and am just afraid to admit it. For a women who just a year ago didn't know she was submissive, this feels like a giant leap right into it, and once I make that leap I don't think there will be any going back.

I don't know that this will happen this weekend even though he mentioned it. We do still have the issue of privacy to deal with. We continue to have carfuls of teenagers at our house in the evenings. Yes, we could tell them to go away, but we probably won't do that. Most of these kids are inner city kids from unstable homes. Some have been in trouble with the law, some have been bounced around the foster system and have no concept of family. One young couple that comes have a month old baby that they are struggling to care for on there own. I held the baby the other day and in talking to the parents it came out that Musicman and I have been together for 27 years. You could hear the shock and disbelief in their voices. 

Our home has become the safe place for these kids to come hangout at.  Even though we don't appreciate the intrusion into our privacy, we do realize it is better to have them here then roaming the streets and getting into trouble, and that includes our son.

I'm going to end here as I have to get ready for work. I hope this made some kind of sense, cause I'm too confused to know right now. For you very sharp readers, I left a subtle clue somewhere in this post, or maybe not so subtle.

            

58 comments:

  1. Hi,
    I was thinking that just as relationships change and evolve so do our "limits." Maybe that is why you are more willing to try, and are ready for it to be better than ok.
    Also the stuff with the teens...totally get it, and thank goodness there are people willing to be an example for good relationships and safe harbors!
    Minelle

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    1. You are probably right, I just never expected this particular limit to go away. Oh well, live and learn and grow :)

      Some of these kids and there circumstances break my heart, they often just need someone, anyone to pay attention to them. I guess that's us right now.

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  2. Oh my gosh...now you have me really curious...and wondering whether or not I am right with this guess of mine! I think it's great how boundaries can change over time. Don't hold back from exploring these things with your man! If you try it and it doesn't work out, well, at least you can feel good about giving it a shot. Also, I love that your place is like a haven for your kids and their friends. Sounds like some of them really need that.

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    1. LOL Tess, if you are really that curious, email me your guess, I'll let you know if you are right :)

      Who'd a thunk the D/s couple inot spanking would be the stable home for every misguided teen in the area? I would say, " if only their parents knew." Unfortunately many of them don't have parents who care.

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  3. I agree that specifics are not the issue here - it is the meta concept of getting that which you ask for - more dominance. I ask for more, and then I get scared that maybe that more takes me somewhere that I am not able to handle or go.

    Ha - I never thought to guess, I figured you would tell us if you wanted, and thought that you were just sharing your conflict. I guess I am not curious enough? :)

    Let me know if you figure it out, because I am working on some of these issues too.

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    1. You figured right, I am just trying to clear the confusion and make some sense of this, I do that through writing :) If I figure it out I will let you know.

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  4. I think that it is good to follow your instincts and not share unless you're absolutely comfortable. You can't un-say it, and sometimes having it public can ruin it. I have learned that lesson to my extremely profound regret in the recent past.

    So stick to your instincts. :) And I hope that if you do try "it", that it is good for you.

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    1. Thanks Ana, I am definitely not absolutely comfortable with this, maybe some day that will change, maybe not :)

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  5. You keep dangling the carrot and people want to grab it. You know "Enquiring minds want to know". The papparazzi would be hiding in your bushes if they knew about this great mystery.

    If you don't want to share, don't. If you don't want to do it don't. It's all about YOUR choices. Enjoy whatever.

    Guess the kids aren't going away anytime soon so you might have to find a place for yourselves.

    HAVE FUN ENJOYING EACH OTHER AND LIFE.

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    1. I really don't mean to dangle a carrot, I am just trying to come to terms with it all. For once things are moving faster then my overactive brain can process, lol.

      No the kids aren't going away anytime soon, but we will deal with it somehow :)

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  6. Oh Faerie I so get the feeling of boundaries and limits and how far you have already pushed them. Like you a year a go I really didn't realize this submissive side of myself and I definitely didn't realize how strongly I would identify with it. It is sometimes overwhelming and scary but exciting all at the same time.

    Good luck with whatever "it" is. I hope that it goes well for you both.

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    1. Overwhelming and scary but in an exciting way describes it very well. I too did not expect to identify so strongly with this side of myself. I like it, but sometimes wonder if I am losing my everlovin mind, lol. Thanks for understanding :)

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  7. One of the thing TTWD eventually led us to was exploring boundaries, limits, and yes...some fantasies we never even knew we had! It's exciting...and scary, and you'll do things as you are ready, when & if you both want to. A relationship that is evolving is a beautiful thing!

    Sara

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    1. Thanks Sara, maybe if I think of it as a beautiful thing it will be easier for me to accept :) Happy to see you are feeling better and out and about.

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  8. Dominance and submission are feelings that we explore and sometime our feelings change. I don't think that there is anything you can 'do' that will change who you and Musicman are - two people who love each other very much and are willing to experiment with what each of you wants to try. I don't think it will change your relationship whether you both like it or whether you find out you don't want to do it on a regular basis. Just the act of discussing it and contemplating it shows how close you two are. You'll make the right decision when the time come.

    Nice that you are there for the kids. Even though you aren't giving them lectures on 'how to live your life' just being who you are in a loving long term relationship shows them that it is possible. Many may have never seen such a thing before in real life.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. Thanks for the support PK, I hope you are right :)

      Judging from the reaction when I said we had been together 27 years, these two particular kids haven't seen it before. I could hear the awe in the girls voice when she said that is what she wanted, like she didn't believe it was possible.

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  9. I just want to say that it's not necessarily an all or nothing thing. So what if you try it and panic and back out or if you let him do it and you react badly? It doesn't mean that you're not submissive or that you're a failure. I mean, obviously you want it to go well if you try it, but it just doesn't work that way all the time. And if it doesn't go well, then you can talk about it and either agree to try it again sometime or maybe it's just not for you and it really still is a hard limit. We all have limits, so you're certainly not alone in that.

    As for the kids, I can understand why you allow the intrusion into your privacy. I'm sure they're learning a lot just by being exposed to a loving couple who have stayed together for the long haul.

    I hope that if Musicman decides to try this thing out that it goes well. But remember, if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement Grace, some of the things you said should have been obvious to me. Sometimes though, I miss the obvious :)

      These kids can be annoying, here EVERY night. But most of them have no one who cares and no where else to go. As much as I would like to tell them to take a hike sometimes, I just can't.

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  10. I can't say much more than what has already been said in the comments. Go with your gut and if you are not ready you are not ready but faerie I think you are and you just have not admitted it to yourself yet.

    Limtis change as time goes on and that is a natural progression, I think the first time a hard limit changes is always.....well the hardest.

    Either way MM will stick by your side and thats all that really matters.

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    1. This is definitely the first change of a hard limit, and yeah, it's hard. I also think you may be right when you say I am ready and can't admit it. Don't know if I will ever be able to admit it, maybe after it happens, if it goes well I will :)

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  11. Ok one of the things my Master enjoys is watersports and it was something initially that i found disgusting, i honestly cant say whether it was a hard limit because it wasnt something that entered my head to list as a hard limit.....i was more inexperienced then.

    I was reluctant to try it but i was driven by the need to please him, and shock horror i enjoyed it, i cant explain specifically why but i found it very humiliating but yet also a turn on.

    The biggest thing for me was admitting that i liked it and even talking about it because well its disgusting..who would admit to being peed on for goodness sake! well as you can see i dont now have a problem with it, if people wish to judge me on this act then thats fine with me...not everybodys kinks are the same, there are some i dont understand and dont get myself.

    Its a difficult one i think dealing with hard limits because as time goes on and one experiences more and more you become more open minded to the possibilities out there and what once was feared becomes a curiosity...call it progress, change whatever but ultimatley i do think there has to be a part of the person that wants or needs that limit pushed otherwise it could head into dangerous territory if it feels forced upon.

    There are some who will say hard limits should not be pushed at all, but im of the opinion that i wouldnt want to close my mind off completley, but i will state that i also believe everyone has limits but perhaps they just havent found them yet.

    It certainly does not make anyone less submissive if they do not want their hard limits touched at all, perhaps catogrising things into soft limits and hard limits is a way of sorting out how you feel about something...hard meaning no not at this time..soft meaning im wary and unsure but im willing to give it a go in the right circumstances.
    best of luck

    tori x

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    1. Thanks tori, that really helped a lot. I especially like the way you categorized hard limits and soft limits. Looking at it that way makes it easier to understand that something I once saw as a hard limit has become a soft limit. The circumstances will most definitely have to be right for this to workout the way we would like.

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  12. I have come to understand, at least for me, limits are not writtien in stone. Master and i have done things that I once considered hard limits, and they were not forced on me, I was just ready. Limits evolve as we do..don't worry so much about them....your hubby is looking out for you. hugs abby

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    1. He would never force me to do this, but he will have to push some. I just don't want to disappoint him. And you are right, I shouldn't worry so much, but I'm so good at it, lol.

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  13. Z and I have definitely began exploring things that we never dreamt we ever would....things that we even thought were "wrong" growing up. A loving evolving relationship is wonderful, and if there is trust and patience involved.....just go with it. :)

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    1. I think this is one of those things that seems like it would belong in the "wrong" category. That is probably why I am having such a difficult time with it. How could I want and maybe even enjoy something that is "wrong"?

      I should just relax and go with it, great advice, thanks :)

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  14. I think that many of our limits grow and change with us.

    If you try it and it doesn't go well, then you know it's not for you. It wouldn't make you any less of a sub. And if you try it and you like it...Then it's all good.

    But really, you will never know until you try right?

    If you're like me (hoping for your sake you're not lol), if you don't try it, you'll beat yourself up more over not doing it than any amount of distress from doing it could bring.

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    1. Quit hoping, I am like you, I would definitely beat myself up if I didn't at least try. Disappointing him in this, which is what I fear will happen, is the last thing I want.

      I have told him given the right circumstances, I would be willing to try, the rest is up to him. Isn't it always? LOL.

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  15. intrigue? yes I am! Take it one baby step at a time. Use safe words and give it a try. This life style is about pushing our own boundaries and growing.

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    1. Yes, baby steps, but this feels like a huge leap. That is my fault for letting it become such a huge thing to me. It is the first hard limit I have faced and I don't want him to be disappointed in me.

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  16. I won't comment on what you should do, you know that at the end of the day you will do what he wants. Why? Because he has been everything to you, you will want to be this for him - at least once. But you know that already.

    What I find intriguing is that you write an anomous blog (I assume you are anomous) yet are reluctant to reveal this. I am not judging you, we all have our limits of sharing (well, I don't, but reasonable people do) but it is an interesting insight in to ow you perceive this act.

    Sorry, I just got all 'shrink' on you.

    TTFN
    Mr. No Name

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    1. You can get all "shrink" on me anytime, lol, I really don't mind.

      Yes I am anonymous, but not to myself. That seems to be the problem, admitting that I might actually want to experience this. Who said I was reasonable? LOL :)

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  17. Just reading this post, I am not as curious anymore, simply because I think I really understand how you are feeling. It must be hard to have to figure out whether you want to be a submissive in the real sense of the word, or on your terms, and I am sure it would really freak me out too. Admitting this. I hope just writing it down helped you see it from a different angle.

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    1. I guess I have let this grow in my mind beyond my control. The great comments have helped me stop that quite a bit, thank you for understanding :)

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  18. Faerie, Gosh so many good comments to you already.
    I will just say ditto to all the good advice already shared and wish you and yours a great weekend. Regards,

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    1. Thanks SNP, the comments have been great and very, very helpful. Isn't this just the best place? I think so, and I'm glad you are a part of it :)

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  19. Faerie: The good thing for you is that he said dominance is about discipline and control. I think discipline and control is what you want and need and it's a positive that he is ready to give it to you.

    Don't worry about being a good sub or wanting it on your own terms. You want him to take control and he is doing that for you. And whatever it is that he wants you to do, you will feel good when you do it -- at least I think you will -- because you obeyed and did it for him and felt his control and his discipline.

    Just relax and follow his lead. The great thing is that he is taking the lead and giving you what you want. I think you are going to feel very submissive.

    FD

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    1. Thanks for the support FD, I am happy that he wants to give me the discipline and control too. Then the first thing he says causes me to freak out a bit. Not so good. But you are right, I want to please him, I want to do it for him, and I'm afraid I will fail. He wouldn't ever say that or probably even think that, but I can be my own worst enemy sometimes. I am trying to relax about it, and just let it happen. That will be easier as long as I remember it's not up to me to decide when or if it happens.

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  20. I have to run out of the house now, but HUGS!! I'm sure you will come to it when you BOTH are ready and the time is right.

    X O X O

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  21. i'm 99% sure i know what it is that you're talking about. If i am right, i will tell you this...well it would apply even if i'm wrong, i guess.
    Anticipation of something big, something scary...it gets built up so much in our minds. We think we could *never* do it, we think we won't be able to,or that we won't want to. And maybe we don't, except to please our partner.
    That anticipation makes everything seem so much worse. Sometimes, you just have to plunge in and do the deed. Whether you react positively or negatively, be proud, for you did it. Afterwards, you will carry that pride along with a sense of relief and accomplishment.

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  22. Thanks belladonna, I have let it build to outrageous proportions in my mind, mostly because I am stuck on "I could NEVER do that." Yet I find myself wanting to do it for him.

    And I guess my biggest worry is that I don't want him to be disappointed in me. This is the first BIG thing he has asked of me since we started this journey, failure now would not feel good. But I am starting to understand, thanks to all the wonderful comments, that just giving it a try is an accomplishment. Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the conversation. I really appreciate it :)

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  23. I was thinking I knew what you were talking about, then I wondered if I was just guessing what a "hard limit" should be from my point! After all, a hard limit in our relationship, is absolutely NO cane, ever.... yet others wouldn't dream of that being an issue, and actively seek to be caned! It all depends on things like past experiences, hopes, fears, dreams, desires and dreads....whether we love the excitement and challenge of new experiences or hate to step out of our comfort zone.
    A desire to please our partner, shackled to the fear of causing disappointment if it doesn't go so well....
    I am sure that, because you have such a strong relationship, and you know you can trust him absolutely, if you agree to go ahead, to give it a try, he will be very aware of how you are feeling throughout, your body language, etc, and for all the desire he has to be dominant and in control, this would not be at your expense...he would not wish to cause you any emotional or other trauma...of that I am certain. He wants to take you along on this journey so you find the right place for your relationship to grow, mature, deepen, strengthen. Stretch the boundaries to get to a better place together.
    I say, go for it, unless you really can't. Have a safe word, so you don't feel pressured. And if you can't go through with it this time, you can always try again at a later date... xxxxxxx

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    1. Thanks for the great comment Daisy, I have a hard limit about belts for much the same reason you do about canes. You are right of course, he does read me very well and would never cause me harm. I am starting to think of it more as a soft limit and that is helping some. I think I have been putting too much pressure on myself with this, but I am starting to get it under control :)

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  24. There are things that I have asked to try that I didn't think MDK would do. There are things that he has brought to the um..table that I thought I wouldn't want to do. In the end it is all about feeling safe and comfortable.

    If you are worried about how far the limit can go just make sure that there are precautions in place. (I am NOT saying that your loving hubby would hurt you or push you - just saying whatever you both need to do to try this extreme exercise). If you are so very intrigued by what was brought up, you probably can handle it and will more than likely enjoy the adrenaline rush. I'm not sure I know what it is but to be honest, it really doesn't matter the act itself. It is a hard limit that you have set in the past and are willing to start to bend on. I don't see this as bad I see this as you having the ability and support to see how far it can go.

    Whatever you chose to do, let us know how things go. Have a good weekend, Faerie! *hugs*

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    1. Thanks for the support Addy, it helps so much knowing I'm not alone in this. My thoughts often run away from me and this time they feel like frieght train barrelling through my head. It's slowing down some now and I'm not so freaked out anymore.

      I'll definitely let ya'll know if it happens. Who else would I tell? LOL.

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  25. As I write this it is Saturday night. You may be about to do this thing that brings you mixed amounts of trepidation and anticipation. You may have already done it. Either way, I'm sure by the time you read my comment you will have tried this scary thing and learned something about Musicman and yourself. I look forward to reading your reaction.

    "And it makes me feel excited, well, excited and scared... " -- Red Riding Hood, Into The Woods

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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    1. Oh, I feel just like Red, lol :) Thanks for sharing that.

      Unfortuntely an early morning at work for me and a late night of nosy teenagers prevented anything from happening. I may just kick the teens out today, cause I'm feeling like the rusty old car I spoke about in my last post :)

      Don't worry though, this is something he has consistently mentioned over the years, so at some point, it will happen. I'm sure when it does I will write about it, cause that's how I process all the changes I am experiencing. And as I told Bratty Addy, who else would I talk to about this?

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  26. Mmmm... this is all good stuff to think about. I think I am probably wanting submission on my own terms and knowing that it's not going to work out that way... thanks for your musings, they always help.

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    1. I'm glad my confusion was helpful to someone, lol. As many commenters have pointed out, I am working on relaxing and trusting him to lead. I shouldn't have needed the reminders that he would never cause me harm, but for some reason I found them very soothing.

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  27. Recipe for creative life: remove safety belts,
    plug loopholes, burn down safe retreats,
    get reborn often, compose like a frolicsome child,
    and never ask the end.

    James Broughton

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    1. Love it!!!! Thanks for joining the conversation :)

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  28. Master and I was talking the other day about limits and in some ways it is scary thinking you have no limits but what he might say you do, but you also have to remember that he would never intentionally hurt you in any way by making you go past a limit or what you thought was your limit. I hope that makes sense, lol. I wish you luck. Hugs.

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    1. It makes total sense, and I do think that I felt like if I did this I would no longer have any limits. That is a very scary feeling. For some reason my mind ran away from me and I kinda forgot the role he plays in all this. The reminders that that is not the case have really helped me calm down some :)

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  29. I'm a little late to the party faerie. I hope your weekend has went well. I'm of the opinion that whether it becomes a 'more than once thing', you'll regret not at least trying it. It's it's good to read that you're feeling a little calmer about it all :)

    Dee x

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    1. The weekend hasn't been what we hoped, but, that's okay. I am feeling calmer and have accepted that at the right time and under the right circumstances it will be happen and it will be okay :)

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  30. I think FloridaDom said it perfectly, faerie. There are limits I had before Ward that were hard and fast. Because of my level of trust in him, they are not so much a factor. We do grow and evolve in life in general, and certainly in our relationships.

    And as far as humiliating, I am puzzled when women say they find it humiliating to be across their men's laps, humiliating to be spanked, or certain positions....and I wonder that I don't. The point of that statement is just to say that it is all a matter of perception. What could potentially be humiliating can be something that feeds your soul when your connection to your partner is deep and strong.

    And don't worry about failing - which I saw somewhere in this loooooooooooooooooong list of dialog. Failing is not not completing something, and there is no right or wrong way for a submissive to react. If you do decide to try this, and you do it with a submissive and joyful heart, if you let him lead, even if you don't complete it, you have succeeded and Musicman will be proud.

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    1. Thanks for understanding June, I did forget for a second or two that I would not be alone, that he will be there too and won't let anything bad happen.

      I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that doesn't find spanking humiliating. I sometimes wonder too why I don't, but not all that much. I think it is because of the level of trust I we have with our guys, or maybe we just don't humiliate easily :)

      I think I have come to accept that not trying would be the failure. I'm more relaxed about it, I trust him to lead and to keep me safe.

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