We have an anniversary coming up very soon. I had asked for a specific piece of jewelry, which Musicman said I could have. If all goes as expected I will be ordering it at the end of the week. That means it won't be here in time for our actual anniversary, but when you have had as many anniversaries as we have that's not a real issue.
I realized while thinking about it that another anniversary of sorts came and went without either one of us knowing or acknowledging it. Guess it wasn't all that important or one of us would have remembered. It's been just over a year since I told Musicman about my desire to pursue a D/s style relationship.
As I struggle to hang on to my desires and blend the sub me with the work me it really hit me what this means to us. It means a lot to me, but I think it might be time for me to accept that it means nothing to him. This isn't TTWD, it's more a case of some crazy idea I got in my head that he indulges on occassion and hopes I will lose interest in.
I know that sounds harsh and like maybe I am judging him wrongly, but I don't think so. We are both mature enough to understand that tastes change over time and relationships evolve. The problem is my tastes have changed to the point where he has become the center of my world. His have changed in the opposite direction. His desires and tastes no longer include me.
I'm not going to go into specifics, but his actions coupled with the things he offhandedly says make it clear to me that I am not a priority for him. Sure if I'm upset he is willing to help me, but not unless it gets to the point that I am a weepy emotional mess. If he asks me what's wrong and I say nothing, he accepts it and backs off, even when he knows I'm not alright. This makes me feel like I'm not worth his time, energy or attention.
I realized awhile ago that the dynamics of a D/s relationship were setup years ago, according to his parameters. I met those parameters long ago too. That leaves me being the well trained sub he wanted, but is no longer interested in. He is not interested in learning anymore about it, nor has he done anything to acquire more information or understanding for himself.
He reads here, but he never comments in anyway on anything I have written. I don't have any reason to believe he is reading anything else related to this dynamic or is in anyway interested in knowing more. I have tried on occasion to bring it up in discussion, he walks away from me or he gives me clipped answers designed to end the conversation. Clearly this is not something he is in anyway embracing.
I know the things he is interested in, I've known for quite some time, years to be exact. There is no room in those scenarios for me. I believe he realizes this too as it isn't something he shares with me. Because of a few missteps on his part though I did find out. I thought maybe it was just a passing fancy of his, but it doesn't appear so. I guess maybe I should tell him not to use my computer to pursue those interests if he doesn't want me to know.
Before any of you suggest that I talk to him about it, I have. He knows this upsets me, he does it anyway. That action alone speaks volumes to me. I very much feel like he would be happier if I would just put all this behind me and go back to being the strongwilled woman who took care of everyone and everything and didn't need anyone to lean on. Maybe it's time I do just that.
I can do it, I just don't believe I can maintain it for long amounts of time. It was living that way, denying my own needs that ultimately caused me to break. I don't want to break again and I'm am worried that it will happen. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it because I am tired of being the one always pushing for what I can't have.
This is what I want to feel.
This is what I do feel.