Monday, June 11, 2012

Maybe It's Time

I've been doing alot of thinking. Uh oh, that's maybe not such a good thing. I have been thinking about what I can do to hold on to the submissive mindset while I work. I did actually think of a solution, but then some other things crossed my mind. Some not so pleasant things. Things that really make me think it might be time to let this go.

We have an anniversary coming up very soon. I had asked for a specific piece of jewelry, which Musicman said I could have. If all goes as expected I will be ordering it at the end of the week. That means it won't be here in time for our actual anniversary, but when you have had as many anniversaries as we have that's not a real issue.

I realized while thinking about it that another anniversary of sorts came and went without either one of us knowing or acknowledging it. Guess it wasn't all that important or one of us would have remembered. It's been just over a year since I told Musicman about my desire to pursue a D/s style relationship.

As I struggle to hang on to my desires and blend the sub me with the work me it really hit me what this means to us. It means a lot to me, but I think it might be time for me to accept that it means nothing to him. This isn't TTWD, it's more a case of some crazy idea I got in my head that he indulges on occassion and hopes I will lose interest in.

I know that sounds harsh and like maybe I am judging him wrongly, but I don't think so. We are both mature enough to understand that tastes change over time and relationships evolve. The problem is my tastes have changed to the point where he has become the center of my world. His have changed in the opposite direction. His desires and tastes no longer include me.

I'm not going to go into specifics, but his actions coupled with the things he offhandedly says make it clear to me that I am not a priority for him. Sure if I'm upset he is willing to help me, but not unless it gets to the point that I am a weepy emotional mess. If he asks me what's wrong and I say nothing, he accepts it and backs off, even when he knows I'm not alright. This makes me feel like I'm not worth his time, energy or attention.

I realized awhile ago that the dynamics of a D/s relationship were setup years ago, according to his parameters. I met those parameters long ago too. That leaves me being the well trained sub he wanted, but is no longer interested in. He is not interested in learning anymore about it, nor has he done anything to acquire more information or understanding for himself.

He reads here, but he never comments in anyway on anything I have written. I don't have any reason to believe he is reading anything else related to this dynamic or is in anyway interested in knowing more. I have tried on occasion to bring it up in discussion, he walks away from me or he gives me clipped answers designed to end the conversation. Clearly this is not something he is in anyway embracing.

I know the things he is interested in, I've known for quite some time, years to be exact. There is no room in those scenarios for me. I believe he realizes this too as it isn't something he shares with me. Because of a few missteps on his part though I did find out. I thought maybe it was just a passing fancy of his, but it doesn't appear so. I guess maybe I should tell him not to use my computer to pursue those interests if he doesn't want me to know.

Before any of you suggest that I talk to him about it, I have. He knows this upsets me, he does it anyway. That action alone speaks volumes to me. I very much feel like he would be happier if I would just put all this behind me and go back to being the strongwilled woman who took care of everyone and everything and didn't need anyone to lean on. Maybe it's time I do just that.

I can do it, I just don't believe I can maintain it for long amounts of time. It was living that way, denying my own needs that ultimately caused me to break. I don't want to break again and I'm am worried that it will happen. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it because I am tired of being the one always pushing for what I can't have.

This is what I want to feel. 

This is what I do feel.

54 comments:

  1. Okay, first of all, I was just thinking about you - I hadn't seen a post from you for a while (ya, three whole days, how do I survive?) - and then like magic, this showed up.

    Second, hugs. That's all - just hugs. I get this very much and I wish mine would comment too or at a minimum tell me what he thought of a post or something.

    The ups the downs - hopefully, this is only a minor dip.

    Oh, and I want to know more about that jewelry!

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    1. I get it too. I have even whined at him - "I keep trying to write better so you'll like it better, but you still NEVER SAY ANYTHING."

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    2. Hi Kitty, I haven't been online much cause of work, I am rarely on over the weekends anyway cause Musicman is home. We are definitely experiencing a breakdown in communication, but we will fix it. Hopefully soon :) I tell you more about the jewelry in a future post, promise.


      Conina, Your hubby doesn't comment on your posts? Is he crazy? LOL. If I could write as well as you do maybe Musicman would say something on occasion. Then again, maybe not.

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    3. He doesn't comment. "I read your post," he'll tell me sometimes.

      He forced me quiet and held me against him while he read one of my recent ones - he was hard afterward.

      Not a comment, but I'll take it.

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  2. I don't actually think what you've written sounds harsh. I think you sound defeated. Obviously there's a lot 'not' written here but what I get from this post is that you feel you have conformed to what Musicman's expectations were, what he wanted in his wife for all these past years......... and now that his expectations have been met, he doesn't need to try anymore? Coz he's got what he wanted? And you feel let down because now its your turn for expectations, and he isn't fulfilling them as you did with his? Sorry of I've got this wrong but is that what you're saying? I really really hope he reads this post faerie and is able to talk with you about it all. Sending big hugs.

    Dee x

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    1. Oh Miss Dee, You didn't read it wrong. That's exactly what I was saying and feeling. I'm glad it didn't sound too harsh, I have very high expectations of people and virtually no tolerance for when they let me down.

      He did read it, and we are talking. There will be a follow up post, possibly not until tomorrow cause I do have to go to work in a couple hours. Thanks for the support, it helps tons :)

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  3. Faerie - your post makes me sad. Do what you must to survive. You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do, at least not for long. You can be strong and independent and still be submissive. He may be uncomfortable with having you lean on him for your happiness. It is a responsibility he may not be able to handle emotionally. No one person can fill all the needs of another person - it's not human nature. I think we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness and have to be our own first priority. At least that is the way I see it - doesn't mean its right.

    Hope things get better. I can't ever see you going back to the way you were before. You know the pitfall and you are already avoiding them. You will persevere, after all you are Faerie.

    Lots of hugs.

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    1. Sunnygirl, always my voice of reason. I think the biggest problem is he doesn't SAY anything, then my mind runs away with me. Making myself my first priority is something I fail miserably at, but I'm trying. And, you're right, I can't go back to the way I was before.

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  4. *hands over a cup of coffee and sits down quietly.
    Sometimes that's all we can do eh? And sometimes just having quiet ears to listen is something in itself.

    You are in my thoughts. And we are here to listen to whatever you need to say--good, bad, and everything in between.

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    1. Thanks for the coffee and the quiet ears, it did help. This is where I face the hard truths and I'm so happy to have such great friends and wonderful support. Thank you for doing that for me.

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  5. I was thinking about you too.

    I'm here if you need to talk.

    You shouldn't have to be unhappy, to stand when you need to lean. I know exactly how much offhanded remarks from your man can hurt, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

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    1. Thanks Conina, work is impedeing on some of my available time to read and/or write. We are at least talking some now, and one way or the other we will work it out. He really just doesn't understand how these comments effect me, he is totally clueless when it comes to that. Of course, it could also be me being overly sensitive. It just is what it is and we will have to work on it.

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    2. I think it's a bit of both - we've been through the same thing. He doesn't get how badly you take the comments, and you're so sensitive to everything he says that it just makes it worse.

      It's fixable, though.

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  6. faerie,

    I think it's wonderful that you've been married as long as you have. Our anniversary is coming up, too...27 years on June 16, 2012! The downside of being married that long is that spouses take the other one for granted. Musicman knows you're not going anywhere, that you're loyal, and so he doesn't feel the need to invest his time and energy to keep you. I'm not saying do something radical to shake up his world, but it might be a good idea to let him know that you're very unhappy with how things are and be prepared to, at the very least, go off with a girlfriend for a weekend...just a thought. I don't know, but if I were feeling like you were, I'd have to let Daddy know exactly how I was feeling. I love to be cherished, taken care of, held in the palm of his hands, just like your picture shows. I wish that for you from Musicman!

    Love,
    Kitty

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    1. OK my karmicly connected sista, our anniversary is also the 16th, 26 years for us.

      I suppose you could say this post is about as radical as I get, lol. Going away with girlfriends, while a great idea is never gonna happen. The main reason is, way back when, he stipulated that I would always be in his bed. I agreed to that and would never break that promise. Also after 20+ years of a fulltime job, raising kids, caring for our home, caring for him when he was ill, and caring for disabled parents, I have no friends close enough to go away with. We are talking, I will be doing a follow up post, probably tomorrow as I have work today.

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    2. faerie,

      Oh. My. Word.!!!!! That is so wild that our anniversary is on the same date!!!!! Hope you have a wonderful day, you and Musicman:).

      I'm glad you're talking and working things out between each other. You've both got too much invested to let this distance the two of you.

      Love,
      Kitty

      P.S. I don't have a close girlfriend, either. Daddy is absolutely my best friend and next to him my children. I don't mean I don't have friends, but I just don't share with them who I really am, if you know what I mean;).

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    3. I do know what you mean. People look at me weird when I say my husband is my best friend, but he is and I'm very happy about that.

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  7. Oh Faerie! I hate to hear you bumming like this. I really like Kitty's advice above! Do a little something to shake him up a tiny bit? Let him miss you and all that you do for him for a day? At the very least, maybe ask him to read this one? Mine isn't into reading and research when it comes to ttwd either. But he is "doing it" albeit in his own unique way, so I don't pester him about that anymore:) I am sorry you are feeling this way though. Talk to your Musicman and see what happens. ((hugs))

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    1. Thanks Tess, I was feeling really low and that it might just be easier to stop. I don't mind if he doesn't read or research anything, it is the on, off, on, off that is throwing me for a loop. Thanks for the support, I would have given up a long time ago if it hadn't been for all the wonderful people in this community.

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  8. Hi, I think that sometimes men disengage and emotionally check-out when they get overwhelmed. They cannot talk about why because sometimes they may not even understand all the reasons. I think Sunnygirl made some good points. Maybe he is depressed and its easier for him to meet needs that are not emotional. It doesn't mean that you need to go back to the superwoman persona, maybe its just a bump in the road. I could be totally wrong and stereotyping big time. It is just that so may women seem to know what they need and want. We women are able to verbalize our wants needs and desires. I hope that you are able to get past the hurt. He seems like he loves you so much.
    Minelle

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    1. Minelle, I don't think you are stereotyping at all. Musicman is not a good verbal communicator, he is an action man. The problem is the action has been very sporadic and left me feeling very much unwanted. I never doubt that he loves me, I just sometimes let my mind run away with me and then I think he doesn't want me. This is something new for me, I used to be very confident in myself. That took a huge hit when I had my meltdown awhile back.

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  9. First, yes, you've been very quiet. I thought it was work... but now I'm reading this post and I WISH it was just work.. So second, HUGS. I wish I had something clever to say. But I don't. Everyone's given you great advice. And because this is what I do, I will keep you and Musicman in my prayers. That's ALL I can do from way over here on this side of the planet.

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    1. Some of it is work, I haven't gotten into a good routine yet. I also don't get online much on the weekends cause Musicman is home, no offense, but I would rather spend time with him, if I didn't I would have nothing to write about. Thank you for doing what you do, I appreciate it, I can certainly use all the help I can get :)

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  10. Faerie,
    I love you. I want you to be happy. I think Dee was right, you sound defeated. I've felt that way before then without real reason felt better. I grew tired of others telling me to talk to my man too, we do that and it doesn't work. He may not respond, but you need to be sure he reads this. It may not change anything, but he still needs to know - to know that he may lose a big part of you and that this is causing you to lose a big part of yourself. And regardless of what he says or does, keep talking to us. We care and we understand.

    Hugs,
    PK

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    1. Thank you mr friend, you always understand me so well. He did read, we talked a little bit( the boy child managed to cause a big interruption). I will be doing a followup post cause the writing helps both of us see things a bit more clearly. It probably won't be until tomorrow cause of work today, but it might be a good thing for me to have the time to think some first.

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  11. Sounds like you are giving up. And I am not suggesting to talk to him about it, sometimes guys just don't want to talk, but see action. Maybe he still wants to do it, but is tired of talking about it and instead just wants to do it? I also know that DH sometimes just checks out emotionally, or sometimes everything (I mean everything) overwhelms him, and he just wants to be left along. Remember he has stuff going on too. (Sometimes that is a hard one for me.)

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    1. We never really talk much about it, he is not a talker, he is a doer. Most of the time him not talking much is not an issue, but every once in a while it does become a bit of a problem. He is aware of things now and we are making some headway, I think.

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    2. Yeah, despite having a blog, I am not much of a talker either, and I prefer doing things to talking about them endlessly. I am much more likely to get up and do it, than to talk about it forever.

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  12. You don't go into detail about what he's been so interested in over the years, other than it has no place for you in the scenario. You said his tastes and desires no longer include you. Perhaps D/s is not truly to his tastes and desires. But he tried to give you want you wanted and can't. Feel badly for both of you...

    Hope you are able to come to some solution that pleases the both of you.

    Sends positive thoughts
    Joyce

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    1. Thanks for the positive energy Joyce, I needed it :) I was thinking that D/s wasn't what he wanted. That thought made me sad, but it also made me want to stop. I don't want him doing something he is not comfortable with or not interested in just to make me happy. We both know from experience that doesn't work well for us. We are working on a solution.

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  13. Oh faerie... if I can read between the lines legibly enough, you feel lost, abandoned, neglected, betrayed, mildly bitter, and as was mentioned earlier, defeated. Between work and MusicMan and your unmet needs and frustrations you've exhausted yourself. I am so so so so sorry. I've been there, and it takes more energy to pull out of the dive than it does to enter it. When the energy is depleted the recovery takes longer.

    I know I'm new to your writings but I'm sympathetic and empathetic nonetheless. I wish you the best of luck, the best of strength, and peace of mind however you may find it. I'm sending good vibes your way.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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    1. Mr AP, Thank you so much for your input, you read between the lines quite well. Everything you said is right on the money. We were able to talk some last night and I don't believe at this point we will be stopping D/s. We still have a lot of work to do, but if we are both doing the work it will be easier.

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  14. Thinking of you both at this time. I pray a resolution will be in the future. No easy answers, but as others have said we are out here and we care. Hugs,

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    1. Thanks SNP, your support and prayers are very much appreciated. I honestly don't know how I would have made it this far without the understanding and support of this community.

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  15. Oh gosh, faerie, once again I'm right there with ya. Sending hugs...

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    1. Rogue, couldn't we just knock their heads together until they come to their senses? This seems like such an easy thing, and yet, they struggle and it causes us to struggle. Why is that?

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  16. I wish I had a magical answer for you, of course even for fairie, those dont exist. Maybe for you anniversary you should both take a day off...give yourselves a day of making each other happy. No questions asked, just requests fulfilled. Then maybe sometalking..hugs...
    abby

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    1. Magical answers would make everything so much easier, wouldn't it. We do have the weekend off, so maybe that will help. We have talked a little bit, and I will be posting more about it, probably tomorrow. I'm grateful to have someplace I can talk openly about this and get such wonderful support and advice :)

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  17. I am so sorry you are having a tough time right now. I hope you can find a resolution soon. Thinking of you...

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    1. Thanks Zoe, we are gonna work on it.

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  18. Faerie: My heart just breaks reading your post. I wish I had something pithy to say. You've coped with so much in your life and now you have to deal with this. The only good thing is that you can see how many friends you have in cyber space, how many care about you and wish you well and I hope that helps. We are all here if you want to keep talking about what you are going through. And do you have a therapist to talk to about all this? I just wish I had some good advice. But as Zoe said, I will be thinking of you and hope that things will get better for you.

    FD

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    1. Thank you kind Sir, it does help having friends who offer so much support. I don't have a therapist and honestly had a bad experience with that when I was younger and don't want one. Writing here helps more then the therapist ever did. I will be posting more, probably tomorrow, this is the place I come to work it all out, so I guess ya'll will get all the gory details. Well...maybe not all.

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  19. Awh, my heart feels heavy after reading this. I am so sad you're feeling this way. I wish I had some great words of advice, but I am too new and inexperienced. It looks like you have some wonderful comments above. I really do hope you two find a way to make it work so that you're both pleased with the dynamic, whatever that may be. Lots and lots of hugs to you, faerie.

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    1. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a how-to manual for this? Guess since we all do it differently, as we should, that is pretty much impossible. Don't ever under estimate what you have to offer, you never know when what you say will be helpful to someone :) I appreciate the support.

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  20. Hugs!I wish there was something I could do or say my friend to change things for you.

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    1. Thanks trazuredpet, the hugs help :) Sometimes just knowing I'm not alone is a tremendous help.

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  21. Faerie, I'm sorry...just saw your post and what others have said reflect my thoughts as well. The hurt and ache create such tenderness. I think my hope is that your musicman will read this and work hard, dig deep, find his words and talk with you. I know you love each other dearly.

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    1. Susie, you are right about the tenderness, this just seems to cut right to my most vulnerable spot. We are talking some and I am hopeful we will find a solution that will work for both of us.

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  22. Dear Faerie,

    i'm sorry you're hurting. Sending you lots of positive energy and hopes that you and Musicman work through this.

    love

    aisha

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    1. Thank you aisha, we are going to keep trying. We vowed to each other when we decided to marry that quitting wasn't an option, so we will work it out somehow. It may not be pretty getting there, but we will get there.

      I haven't had much time to read since starting work, are you a Nonna yet?

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    2. Noooo, not yet!! Thursday she'll be two week past her "due date" ~ if she hasn't started labor yet, they'll induce. Keep your fingers crossed, ok? Thanks for asking!

      aisha

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  23. I've read this so many times trying to think of what to say. We're together 25 years in July. So many things change.

    You've worked it out this far. Maybe a lot of that was you giving in, it was me. Now you don't want to give in, you don't want close down this special part of you. I don't want you to either.

    They don't talk. You always have to push for that. And no matter how positive you may be that you think you know what he's about, you may not know.

    I think I would give anything to live D/s everyday with a partner but I can't imagine the sadness of thinking I had that and then not having it.

    My best wishes to you. -E

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    1. Thanks for the support Emen, this has all been very confusing for me, but we are working on it.

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  24. I wish I knew the best thing to say, but I don't. I do know that it is difficult to communicate something over and over again and not be heard, especially about something that is such an important part my life which I have always felt eventhough I did not express it until later in life... Going with the flow of life and never give up... you have suck a wonderful love from all I have read here...

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