Thursday, June 7, 2012

Sitting in the Sun

I have the day off from work today, yay! Unfortunately, Musicman is traveling for work today, he left the house 2 hours earlier then usual, so no morning sex. I did get up long enough to say good bye, I don't like it when one of us leaves without saying goodbye, it makes me sad. I suppose if we had rituals, that would be one of them.

I did go back to bed and sleep for another couple hours, I've been getting caught up on housework and laundry since then. As I do when I clean, I have been letting my mind roam to all the different things floating around in it. Work is going okay, I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable with it, both physically and cognitively.

We have been having several cold rainy days, but today is warm and sunny. So after popping in a load of laundry I went out to sit in the sun for awhile. I love the sun, it always cheers me up. I checked the pool, we should be swimming by this weekend if the weather cooperates. I'm looking forward to it, I love playing in the pool with Musicman. I'm always quite amused that we live in the middle of a city, with people all around, and our pool area is private enough to romp naked.

As I sat musing in the sun, I was thinking how different my life turned out from what I had planned. I always had very specific goals for myself when I was growing up. The first was to get out of my parents home. The second was to be a doctor. I was never going to get married. I was never going to have children. I was very passionate about achieving these goals.

Then I met a man, Musicman. I did not become a doctor. I married and had children. My mother tells everyone I "gave up" being a doctor for a man. I have never been able to make her understand that I did not "give up" anything. It seems so simple to me, my passion changed. I no longer wanted to be a doctor as much as I wanted to be with Musicman. It was not that I had to choose between the two either, he would have supported me if I had chosen to be a doctor. I simply didn't want that anymore.

I wanted to make a life with him, I wanted that to be my primary focus. It has been the primary focus for both of us. It has occurred to me a few times lately that I have achieved everything I set out to do. My life definitely deviated from the original goals I had, but those were the goals of a child anyway.
I think the smartest thing I ever did was make the decision to build a life with him. Doing that enabled me to have the life I have, a life of happiness and contentment, a life of love and passion. The sex is pretty great too, lol.

I've heard the younger girls at work talking, they are just starting out and struggling to be stable. I almost feel guilty talking about my life at all. I find myself saying, " I understand, I've been there, but that's not me now." That's all true, and it is purely because I have Musicman by my side.

I find myself editing out large parts of myself and my life when they ask me questions. I have always edited out a large part of my life at home from most co-workers. I just didn't want to share that side of me with them. I never thought enough about it before to realize, it is the fact that I am naturally submissive to Musicman that I don't want to share. I never had a name for it, it was just the way I was and most people didn't understand it.

Now that I have a name for the way I am and a clearer understanding of myself, I find that I want to share even less. I don't want the outside world intruding into the little bubble of Musicman's dominance that I live so comfortably in.

20 comments:

  1. There are definitely different seasons in life and if things don't go the way you exactly thought they would, that doesn't mean that they didn't still go GREAT. :)

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    1. Oh, I think things went GREAT, just different from how I thought they would be. I don't for a second regret any of the choices I have made since meeting Musicman :)

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  2. I feel you. My life hasn't gone the way I'd planned it at all either. We're still fairly young.. but yeah, we feel building our life together is more important than any individual goals we may have had before.

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    1. Funny how life throws us a curveball, and when we catch it, things turn out better then we ever imagined :)

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  3. Funny how we have all these grand plans about how things should and are going to be, yet our paths change as we go along.
    I don't think it always works out so well for some people. but when it does? It's awesome.

    P.S
    I love that picture.

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    1. I love the pic too, it kinda represents the two sides of myself that are warring with each other right now. I think my life turned out pretty awesome even if it didn't turn out the way I had envisioned.

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  4. That's a good way to describe it...a little bubble. I find I don't want to share that with anyone either. I also used to tell my mom that I was never getting married or having children. She would smile indulgently and tell me that I'd probably feel differently about it someday. Boy, was she right! Enjoy the sunshine! That's what we are doing today too:)

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    1. Do you know what happens to bubbles if you try and hang in to them? They pop, I don't want the bubble to pop. Have fun in the sun :) I did.

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  5. Hi, Why do people limit us by our words and passions stated in different moments or periods of our lives? I mean why can't your desire to be a doctor become something else as you grow and change in life?
    I also think it sad that people try to limit our desire to please the ones we love. They think if you give yourself to them you are somehow less. CRAZY!!! I think your love is grand.
    Minelle

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    1. Thank you Minelle, I don't know why people feel the need to place limits or to judge. I've never been good with either of those things. Maybe it is just a bit of naivete showing.

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  6. When I was 15 years old, I thought I should go to the US. I had to wait until I was 18, but I did it. I knew for some reason, the US would be my home, and it has been for almost ten years now. Life goes on, but I always think it is what you make of it!

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    1. I think that is cool that you knew your destiny was here and that you pursued it. Life is definitely what you make of it.

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  7. Interesting you should mention your decision to be with Musicman "full-time" instead of becoming a doctor...I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do in the future. I'm happy to see it worked out so well for you. I was always such a career girl, wanted to rise to the top, dreamed of it. Now that I'm with him, I just don't feel it as much now. I'm not sure what changed. Too early to make that decision now, of course. Thanks for sharing though :) And I think your submission to Musicman is precious, I understand why you wouldn't let them into the circle.

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    1. I was the same way, I wanted to succeed at everything and be powerful. As soon as I met him, I no longer wanted that. Good luck with your decision, it may not be a popular thing to say, but listen to your heart. Money and prestige don't mean much if you have no great love to share them with. That's just my opinion of course, lol.

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  8. faerie,

    You're not going to believe this, lol! I swear, in some ways you and I are so much alike. Of course, I know we're different, too, but there are still many ways that you and I are alike. I was going to be a doctor, too! I had planned it out and took four years of math and science in high school to help further my goal of being a doctor. And then when I married Daddy, I just didn't have that desire. It was crazy...I just wanted entirely different things and being a doctor was no longer my top priority. Daddy was/is my top priority and I wouldn't have it any other way:)!!!

    Love,
    Kitty

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    1. I took all the advanced science and math classes too in prep for eventually going to med school. I met Musicman and my priorities changed, I have never regretted making him and us my priority. Looking back, I now know I would never have gotten as much satisfaction from being a doctor as I have gotten from building a life with him.

      I'm tellin ya girl, we might have been separated at birth, lol.

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  9. I think it mostly works out the way it's supposed to. I hope so.

    And yes, keep it special and safe and bubbled andclose to your heart in the sun.

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    1. Can I please just spend the rest of my days living in my comfortable little bubble soaking up the sun? If only, lol.

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  10. Life certainly does change from what we had envisioned when younger. The situation I find myself in now, is the polar opposite of what I saw for my future. I've done everything back to front lol! But I do believe everything happens for a reason and if I wasn't in this situation, I'd never have got together with Mitch. Life has a way of manoeuvring you into the position that you're supposed to be. Love is what makes the world go around is it not? :)

    Dee x

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    1. Maybe it only looks like you are doing things backwards. Maybe backwards to everyone else is right for you. It sure seems that way, doesn't it? People are quick to point out what I gave up, I don't see it that way. I am just as quick to point out what I have gained, a great love. What is life without a great love to share it with? Not much in my opinion :)

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