I Just Don't Know

Musicman did read my last post, and we did talk some about things. Unfortunately, that discussion was interrupted by our son and his shenanigans. Since then I have re-read my last post and thought quite a bit about our talk. That could very well be the problem, I think too much.

Despite all the thinking, things are still swirling around in my head. I can't quite seem to get them to gel into anything cohesive. Given enough time they will probably come together, but, patience is a virtue I don't possess.  So in an effort to try and help the process along I am just going to throw the stray thoughts out there and see what it becomes, maybe nothing.

I find that I am somewhat stymied by the fact that Musicman is a naturally dominant man, that should make this easier. Not so much apparently, and I'm not sure why.  He has said things that make me know he doubts this is what I really want. I don't understand that at all. Is he not paying attention, or does he just think he knows me better then I know myself? Maybe he doubts because this is so different from what I ever wanted before? I just don't know at this point.

I also realized that he reads here and bases his actions on my writing. I could so easily use this forum to manipulate him if I wanted too. I don't want too. I'm not a manipulative person and for me, that wouldn't work. He has had no problem setting guidelines for our relationship in the past. Granted, those guidelines where setup years ago. That makes me wonder if he is just out of practice with it, or he is content with the way things are and doesn't want them to change. I just don't know.

He surprised me by asking me if this is really what I wanted, twice. Ummm...Yeah!!! He wants to know why I want this. That's a fair question, but not one I know how to answer. Though I do think I know part of the reason. I no longer trust my own judgement or decisions. I didn't make a conscious decision to drown my pain in the bottom of a bottle, but I did let it happen. In my opinion that is the biggest mistake I have ever made and my self confidence and self worth took a huge hit that I have not recovered from. I guess that is reason enough for him to doubt me.

I think another part of the reason I want this, is this community. I don't mean I want it just so I can fit in somewhere, though I do feel very comfortable here. I've never been a conformist and wouldn't change myself to fit in anywhere. No, the reason I say it is because of this community, is because this community and the wonderful people who inhabit it showed me who I really was.

See, when I found this community I wasn't looking for submission, I don't know what exactly I was looking for, but it wasn't that. I was following a gut instinct when I went looking for information on spanking. It wasn't until I started reading blogs and thinking about my life that I really realized that I am naturally submissive. A fact we both missed even though neither of us missed that he was dominant. Not sure how that happened either.

I have no idea why becoming aware of this part of myself took such a strong hold on me, but it did.  I often find myself being alternately, envious of the women who always seem to have known they were submissive, and wishing I could go back and undo everything and not discover this part of myself.  Obviously neither of those thoughts or feelings are beneficial. I can't go back, I can't discover this side of myself sooner and I can't undiscover it. I must move forward.

He has told me that if this is what I want, this is what I will get, and he hopes I am ready for it. I am ready for it, but I also feel a bit afraid to commit to it at this point. I'm not sure I am strong enough to handle the disappointment again if it doesn't go well. It's not that I expect this to not work, I just feel like I have been stuck on a merry go round of emotions. I'm dizzy and confused and don't know what to believe.

Despite the fact that I am feeling a bit anxious and a lot confused, I'm in a good place. He has said he knows this is important to me. That's a start. The last few days since we talked he has been more dominant and that is why I am in a good place.  I don't want to anticipate failure, I don't want to invite that into my life, but I'm not sure where I go from here. Do I stop worrying and see what he does and go with the flow?  That's what I would like to do, but it isn't as easy as it sounds.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post, congratulations. If it made any sense at all, please, feel free to explain it to me. I could use the insight.