Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I Just Don't Know

Musicman did read my last post, and we did talk some about things. Unfortunately, that discussion was interrupted by our son and his shenanigans. Since then I have re-read my last post and thought quite a bit about our talk. That could very well be the problem, I think too much.

Despite all the thinking, things are still swirling around in my head. I can't quite seem to get them to gel into anything cohesive. Given enough time they will probably come together, but, patience is a virtue I don't possess.  So in an effort to try and help the process along I am just going to throw the stray thoughts out there and see what it becomes, maybe nothing.

I find that I am somewhat stymied by the fact that Musicman is a naturally dominant man, that should make this easier. Not so much apparently, and I'm not sure why.  He has said things that make me know he doubts this is what I really want. I don't understand that at all. Is he not paying attention, or does he just think he knows me better then I know myself? Maybe he doubts because this is so different from what I ever wanted before? I just don't know at this point.

I also realized that he reads here and bases his actions on my writing. I could so easily use this forum to manipulate him if I wanted too. I don't want too. I'm not a manipulative person and for me, that wouldn't work. He has had no problem setting guidelines for our relationship in the past. Granted, those guidelines where setup years ago. That makes me wonder if he is just out of practice with it, or he is content with the way things are and doesn't want them to change. I just don't know.

He surprised me by asking me if this is really what I wanted, twice. Ummm...Yeah!!! He wants to know why I want this. That's a fair question, but not one I know how to answer. Though I do think I know part of the reason. I no longer trust my own judgement or decisions. I didn't make a conscious decision to drown my pain in the bottom of a bottle, but I did let it happen. In my opinion that is the biggest mistake I have ever made and my self confidence and self worth took a huge hit that I have not recovered from. I guess that is reason enough for him to doubt me.

I think another part of the reason I want this, is this community. I don't mean I want it just so I can fit in somewhere, though I do feel very comfortable here. I've never been a conformist and wouldn't change myself to fit in anywhere. No, the reason I say it is because of this community, is because this community and the wonderful people who inhabit it showed me who I really was.

See, when I found this community I wasn't looking for submission, I don't know what exactly I was looking for, but it wasn't that. I was following a gut instinct when I went looking for information on spanking. It wasn't until I started reading blogs and thinking about my life that I really realized that I am naturally submissive. A fact we both missed even though neither of us missed that he was dominant. Not sure how that happened either.

I have no idea why becoming aware of this part of myself took such a strong hold on me, but it did.  I often find myself being alternately, envious of the women who always seem to have known they were submissive, and wishing I could go back and undo everything and not discover this part of myself.  Obviously neither of those thoughts or feelings are beneficial. I can't go back, I can't discover this side of myself sooner and I can't undiscover it. I must move forward.

He has told me that if this is what I want, this is what I will get, and he hopes I am ready for it. I am ready for it, but I also feel a bit afraid to commit to it at this point. I'm not sure I am strong enough to handle the disappointment again if it doesn't go well. It's not that I expect this to not work, I just feel like I have been stuck on a merry go round of emotions. I'm dizzy and confused and don't know what to believe.

Despite the fact that I am feeling a bit anxious and a lot confused, I'm in a good place. He has said he knows this is important to me. That's a start. The last few days since we talked he has been more dominant and that is why I am in a good place.  I don't want to anticipate failure, I don't want to invite that into my life, but I'm not sure where I go from here. Do I stop worrying and see what he does and go with the flow?  That's what I would like to do, but it isn't as easy as it sounds.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post, congratulations. If it made any sense at all, please, feel free to explain it to me. I could use the insight.

31 comments:

  1. I love you. I feel very connected to you.

    I've always known I was submissive, even when I didn't know that's what it was - there was a yearning there, to be owned. But just the knowing of it doesn't make the journey that much easier. It took us so many years to come to the understandings we have reached, now.

    It's been a long, frustrating, sometimes discouraging, but ultimately so, so rewarding journey to where we are.

    Your feelings sound so familiar to me that my heart aches for you - but our men, and our relationships, are similar enough that I'm sure you guys will pull through the frustration and discouragement to the reward. :)

    Much love.

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    1. Awww, thanks Conina, I feel the same about you. I appreciate you saying it took years to get where you are. It helps to know that and reminds me to work on my patience skills. Things have been a bit better the since we talked :)

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  2. I made it to the end. It made total sense. And I'm not sure I can explain it to you because I'm in a similar zone. I want this. He doesn't seem to be giving me enough, so I second guess my decision to live this lifestyle. In fact I just asked him not an hour ago if he prefers to just be plain ol vanilla again. He says that wouldn't solve anything, made me explain what I thought would happen and then pointed out that we'd probably be in worse shape than we are now. So I guess that's his way of saying No. Sometimes it'll be easier tho, if they just said - Trust me. This is good for us. And let ME worry about whether we're on the right track or not.

    Love and Hugs

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    1. Wouldn't it be great if they said that? I really do think a lot of my doubts stem from the fact that he doesn't say much about any of it. That just makes my mind race to conclusions, bad ones. Gotta figure out how to stop that. If I do I'll let you know, lol.

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  3. It made sense to me too. And I can pitch in about alcoholism. DH was/is an alcoholic. I met him when he was at his absolute worst, and than he kept on going for another two or three years, just like that, hiding it from me, or at least trying.
    Since he quit, he has become a different person. It has been 6 years now, and he is still struggling with it at times. He is still finding himself, he is finding out things about himself, that he recognizes from when he was younger. So I think getting "over" something like alcoholism is very very difficult. You are amazing for quitting, and now you just have to listen to yourself to find out who you are.
    Also!
    DH has said that to me so many times now: Are you sure you want this? He hasn't lately, he knows I do, but it took him a while, and I think he was worried that he would become this dominant person and then I would tell him: you know what dude, I don't want this anymore. Not going to happen, but it is just a defense mechanism.

    Communication!

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    1. I think Musicman is finally realizing that Yes, I want this. It felt really good when I said if he didn't want it we could stop for him to say no, he knew it was important to me. I guess I want to leap instead of taking babysteps.

      I want to thank you for sharing your experience with your husband's fight with alcoholism. This trying to figure out who I am now may be the hardest thing I have ever faced. It helps to know it is somewhat normal.

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  4. I made it to the end..hugs. This D/s journey has so many bumps along the way, expecially at first. I believe there is no turning back to vanilla, at least not with a big sense of loss and many regrets. hugs abby

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    1. Even though I have said if he didn't want it we could stop, I know I would loose a big part of myself if we did. I don't believe I can go back either, and he is starting to see that, so small bits of progress there.

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  5. Faerie: Your post made perfect sense. You are a submissive. You want him to dominant you and control you, especially since he is a dominant man anyway. But even though he says if this is what you want, he will give it to you, you are obviously worried that you will get your hopes up and then he will disappoint you by not being as controlling as you want and need him to be.

    And when he asks you why you want it, tell him it is who you are. It is in your DNA. It is a part of you. And you can't go back to being vanilla. Of it you did, you would feel very frustrated. It just took you a long time to realize this is what you wanted.

    It is very common in the this community for the Dom and sub to have problems getting on the same page and getting what they both want and need.

    I suspect that since you came to this after being married a long time, he still isn't sure if it is a passing fancy.

    So if you don't mind my two cents worth, tell him you want this and you are going to want it for the rest of your life. And that he can make you very happy by being dominant and taking control of you. But he has to take the lead because you don't want to be telling him what he should do. And tell him you understand that being the Dom can be a difficult job because you want to make things good for your sub and you aren't always sure what is best. So when he does things you like, thank you and tell him he is making you very happy.

    Anyway, I will climb down off my soapbox right now. I hope I didn't overdo it or say anything that offended either of you. I just want to wish you both the best in working all of this out. You obviously love each other very much and I hope you can find what works for both of you.

    FD

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    1. You didn't in anyway offend, I appreciate your insight. You have given me great information and suggestions for ways to move forward. That's always a good thing, especially when I feel so lost.

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  6. I am not a submissive, nor will I ever be. Once upon a time I thought it would be fun to be dominated. I came to realize I only wanted it when I wanted it and not all the time. I think that's what you have to decide and I think that is what Musicman is saying to you. Do you really want this all the time, for now and forever? Based on reading I'm not sure you know for absolute positive sure that it is.

    I think he is holding back because of the history involved. He loves you and will do anything for you but he just wants to make sure you are not going to wake up one day and say you've had enough and walk out. We all have our insecurities and this may be his.

    Just my thoughts. I wish you the best of whatever it is you choose friend.

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    1. Oh my friend, my voice of reason, thank you. Once again you are right, we do have a lot of history and this does fly in the face of that history. I never imagined I would be submissive, it was quite by accident that I discovered it. I am still quite surprised how strongly it took hold of me and I shouldn't be surprised he might question it.

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  7. I didn't comment on your last post, because I didn't have a chance, but I found myself thinking about it all day today. I'm glad to hear you talked. It definitely makes sense to me. I wanted to tell you that I believe in fairies and I believe in magic, too. I think you can hold the intention for what you want and that both you and Musicman are fulfilled and it will happen for you... It's all a process and you are processing beautifully.

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    1. Welcome reneerose, there is always time to comment. They go to my email, so I will get them even if you comment on an old post :)

      It's nice to hear from another believer!!!

      Thanks for saying I am processing beautifully, it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I definitely need to work on staying focused on the positive, thanks for the reminder.

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  8. Well- I'd like to put a twist on what Florida Dom said - maybe it's not so much that you fear that he will not be dominant enough, maybe you're afraid that you won't be submissive enough - or don't want it 24/7.

    That being said - I personally don't get that vibe from you. I get a submissive vibe from you.

    "Do I stop worrying and see what he does and go with the flow? That's what I would like to do, but it isn't as easy as it sounds."

    Why not? I don't really expect an answer - just something to think about.

    You said he is naturally dominant. He reads the blog & approaches you in ways that address what you speak about here, answers the needs you have. And it seems that he very much does. You expressed worry about drinking - he seems fairly intuitive - if you do let him have the gift of total submission, and he is possessing of the qualities you have written, you are giving him consent to pull you back from the edge. You are giving him consent not to let you get lost.

    So to answer your question - should you stop worrying and let him lead? Yes. You don't have to be afraid of what you are. When he says he hopes you are ready for it (and I think you are, that's just mho) I think he just wants an acknowledgement from you that you want him to lead, and that you understand it's not situational, it just is - 24/7. Because sometimes, people are unprepared for that.

    Just let yourself be quiet, honey, close your eyes and ask what feels good. Does it feel....intoxicating when he is more dominant? Does it leave you feeling lighted and small and safe and breathless? Or do you feel irritated and unfulfilled?

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    1. Beautiful comment June, thank you. I have no doubts this is what I want. It does feel intoxicating when he is dominant, I only feel irritated and unfulfilled when he isn't.

      I think you really hit on something when you said I am giving him consent to not let me get lost. I don't think I could have verbalized it any better, but that is exactly what I need, to know if I do start to get lost he will pull me back. I think you are right about me just relaxing some and seeing what he does, I guess he can't really take charge if I am holding the reins.

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  9. It made sense, and I didn't even need extra coffee.

    I think relationships are complicated, and actively bring D/s into an established one has it's own little set of intricacies.

    I also think tat it is difficult for them when they know us as one thing, and then one day we turn around and say we think we are something else.
    Irony of ironies...I used to fight with my husband about being too controlling--now I beg for more control.

    I'm starting to believe that maybe the only way to get the kind of submission that is so complete and craveable (should totally be a word), is to just let go of that worry and go with the flow.
    I haven't made it there yet, so it's just a theory at the moment!

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    1. lil, thanks for sharing that you used to fight with your husband about being too controlling. I used to do the same thing when we were first together. That stopped a long time ago and I think maybe it was so subtle that we never really noticed it.

      I like your theory and if I ever accomplish it you will be the first to know.

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  10. I find it interesting that submissive and dominants seem to come together in relationships YEARS before we even realize we are so... I don't think we explicitly talk about the fact that we are learning something new about ourselves at the same time that we are altering or affecting our primary relationship. It seems like we should talk about that more.

    So, not sure if I helped you, but that is what I was thinking about while reading this. :)

    Oh, and hugs from me too.

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    1. I am still surprised when I look back over the years and realize how submissive I have been without either of us seeming to know. Guess that's the way it happens when it is a natural thing :)

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  11. You have so much good advice here, you don't need me. But I will always be reading your fascinating journey.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Emen, and just so you know, I always need all the help and support I can get.

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  12. I've been thinking for a while that those of you who practice D/s as opposed to Dd have a rougher go of it at times. There are fewer concrete things to grab hold of and communication becomes even more important. Should you sit back, let him lead and see what happens? Probably, but oh faerie, I'd be the same as you. Wondering what that looks like, not knowing if that means little will happen. Trust, have faith in him, in the two of you, in all your history and in the little joys of what might be next.

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    1. Great point Susie, it does seem like it might be easier if we had some kind of structure, like Dd seems to have. I'm not much of a rules type girl, but I can see where the structure might help.

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  13. faerie,
    I've certainly gone through most of the same questions - and when i'm feeling very insecure - i am convinced it will never work, that it's all me, that we are better off quitting or maybe it will all ruin our marriage altogether...i never expected to still be struggling with that kind of thing more than three years in - but each time we work through it - we figure out more about ourselves and how to make it for us. And my husband has had to go through the same thing - has had to reassure himself again and again that i really wanted this - we each have the thing we continue to need reassurance about i guess. I hope you guys can figure out this time around too.

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    1. Thanks gg, three years sounds daunting, but I guess it is what it is. I do worry alot that I am causing damage to our relationship by acknowledging these needs and that is the last thing I want to happen.

      This insecurity that rears its ugly head is so foreign to me, I've always been a very secure person and it totally throws me for a loop when it happens.

      We aren't giving up, just the fact that he has acknowledged that he knows this important to me is a big breakthrough for us. One that makes me very happy :)

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  14. You have some really great comments here. By working together and communicating I know you can figure this out. Trust him and each other. This has got to be difficult for our men to wrap their heads around sometimes but that is where the communication comes in.

    I hope you can go with the flow. Going with the flow is easier than swimming against the current. Right?

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    1. A lot of my doubts stem from how hard this must be for him. I often feel like it is unfair of me to ask this of him. Yet this has very quickly become a need not just a want.

      I'm really gonna work on going with the flow, especially since I don't know how to swim, lol.

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  15. faerie,
    I too am married to a dominant man who seemingly has no desire to be married to a submissive. He grew up in a time of rampant woman's lib and equality. The idea of telling his wife what to do and spanking her if she doesn't was as foreign to him as any concept he had ever heard of. So the fun part he got the rest - no. No one would think of me as submissive, I was the only one who knew how I longed for it. It will never happen for me, not the way I fantasied about, but I've come to terms (for the most part). Mock discipline is the most I'll ever get and since I have no intentions of changing husbands that's the way it's going to stay.

    It's not time for you to give up, I have a feeling Musicman might just come around to much closer to your fantasy. Remember it's not controlling to guide him to what you want. After all you are the only one who knows. You can't expect him to read your mind too.

    Hang in there!

    PK

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    1. Yep, I believe it is quite foreign to Musicman too, for all the same reasons. No one would ever think of me as submissive either.

      I can also see how after so many years together, me asking for this seemingly out of the blue must be a hard thing for him to wrap his head around.

      It wouldn't do any good if he could read my mind as I often make no sense even to myself, lol. This is just all so confusing sometimes, honestly it if it wasn't for the support and advice from people who have been at it longer I probably would have given up a long time ago. That would be a bad move on my part cause then I really would not be happy.

      I'm off to work, but I hope you enjoy your first day of freedom :)

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