Friday, June 8, 2012

Who Will I Be?

I'm feeling a little lost today. I feel like I have to deny a big part of myself when I am at work. That is making me question, again, do I really need this? Maybe it would be better if I just let it go? Bury my submissive self so far inside that she will never see the light of day again.

We had a lovely evening, the boy was out, so we had some early playtime. Physically it was great, but I couldn't get my head in the game. He was tired and there was little to no dominance. No spanking, no pain, that should be okay. I don't need that stuff. He even asked me what I wanted, I had no answer.

I had no answer cause I really didn't know. It felt like I was chasing some illusive mindset and just couldn't seem to catch it on my own. Of course, I wanted him to do the impossible. I wanted him to figure out what I couldn't and fix it. That's not very fair. Sometimes I get tired of always trying to be fair.

Maybe it is time to talk about maintenance. Maybe that would help me hang on to the me that I like to be. I understand she can't come out at work. I didn't anticipate having so much trouble switching back to the submissive mindset at home.

It doesn't effect the way I act at home, I still treat him well, I still take care of all the things I need to take care of. The chatter in my brain is just so loud, I can barely hear myself think. It distracts me and prevents me from really feeling happy and content. I thought it would be easy to switch back to that submissive mindset, not so much it seems.

I thought all I would have to do was dress a certain way, wear my hair a certain way. That's what I do, I get home from work and I change clothes and take my hair down. I look like the me I like to be, but I don't feel it. I didn't realize it was his dominance, the little swats here and there, or the things he says that cause the mindset to come flooding back.

I didn't realize it was the absence of his dominance I was feeling when he asked last night. I didn't count on the fact that the absence of his dominance would make me question again if I really need this. I didn't expect to feel such an abundance of guilt for needing more then he felt like giving last night. I didn't know what I needed when he asked, so I can't in good conscience blame him for anything. No, as usual the only one I blame is myself, I'm the one who didn't have the answer when he asked.

I'm feeling lost. I have no answers. The chatter in my head is too loud for me to hear anything clearly. Maybe it is time to talk about maintenance? Maybe if I knew that it would happen on a regular basis it would make things easier? So many maybes and too much chatter to hear the answers.

He left early again today cause he is still traveling for work. I have a long shift today myself, so it will be twelve hours yet before I see him.  I have no idea what to expect when I do see him, I don't know who I will be then. Will I be me, or will I have tucked her away and be unable to bring her back out? I just don't know.



32 comments:

  1. I look it as wearing lots of different hats, some which are only suitable for certain occassions and other times there may be a few hats which fit...but either way they all fit on your head.

    I wear lots of different 'hats' mother, sub friend, employee sometimes one hat needs to be worn longer than an another it doesnt mean its more important than the others and the others are less it just means at that moment it takes priority.

    But regardless of what 'hat' is being worn it doesnt change your basic nature of being submissive much like when im working im still a mum but im not 'activily' doing mummy things.

    not sure if that makes any sense lol

    tori x

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    1. It makes total sense, for some reason I am having a problem shedding all the other hats when the only one I want to wear is the sub hat. I'm sure I will figure it out with time, it just threw me for a bit of a loop I guess :)

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  2. I found it extremely difficult to switch back and forth when I was working--that chatter is just so damn loud.
    I wish I could say that I came up with a perfect fail-safe solution to share. But I never did.
    I do think that having simple little rituals you do together helps a bit.

    When you figure out the answer to this quandary, I want a copy of the how-to manual!

    Good luck. Switching back and forth isn't as easy as it sounds. I know you will find something that works for you.

    (Keep in mind I have only had 1/4 cup of coffee, so I make no claims about this comment making sense).

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    1. Makes sense to my coffe starved brain, lol. If I ever figure it out I will be sure to let you know :) Just don't hold your breathe waiting, a blue lil would not be a good thing, lol.

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  3. Just like anything - there are good days and there are bad days. This sounds like not quite the best day.

    Maybe now would be a good time to reread some of your journal (i.e. blog), because I have been reading it and I know that this is what you are comfortable in.

    No matter what the job, it is still work, so it is sure to be a transition going back to it.

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    1. You're right, this is where I am most comfortable. The real me is the sub me and I think I am afraid she is gonna slip away and I am gonna lose her. I DON'T want that. I just didn't count on how hard it would be to switch back to her when I got home. As usual, I need to be patient and give myself some time to adjust. Patience has always been a challenge for me, I'm very much a live in the moment let's do it NOW kinda girl :(

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  4. I think Lil is right...those little rituals are very important. You just have to figure out what they are and then be willing to change them up as time goes on.

    Maintenance is another idea. I know that what we do here is quite different from you, but the underlying concept is still the same and it helps me immensely. My husband too.

    Don't be too discouraged faerie. This really was bound to happen with you coming and going from work. You will figure it out.

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement Susie, I guess it is time to really think about the rituals and maintenance. I think they would both help. A little patience on my part would help too :)

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  5. When I have bad days, like yesterday, what really helps is my husband giving me lots of extra attention at the end of the day. We went out for groceries after work, and each time we separated and came back together, he kissed me, holding the back of my head, or hugged me really, really tightly. Back home, he fairly attacked me every few minutes while I was making dinner - just for a few seconds, but repeatedly.

    It helps a lot. He has to know the day is bad, though. He does those things anyway, but not quite so intensely.

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    1. Musicman usually does that kind of stuff too, I'm always getting swatted and groped :) I think the fact that we have both been soooo busy has taken its toll too. I as I said to some of the others, I need to be patient, which I suck at, and we will figure it out :)

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  6. Going back to work after being home for so long is bound to be an adjustment, both physical and emotional, for both of you. Life has a way of creeping into our heads. You will find you way - just give it a little time.

    As everybody above said, keep to your little rituals and maybe add a few more to get you back into the right space when you are together.

    Good luck getting through the day. The weekend is here and hopefully you will have time together.

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    1. I think maybe we do need some new rituals. I really thought just changing my appearance from work me to home me would do it. It has in the past, but that could be the problem too. I have always done that and I associate it more with being Mom then with being me.

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  7. (In advance, I appologize for the epic length response to your post)

    All right Dr. No Name to the rescue!

    My dear, you are suffering from what we in the army call Deployment Detachment. Allow me to explain. When Soldiers go on deployment, they are 100% focused on the job at hand. Yes, they have a bit of fun at the same time, but there is work, eat and sleep (repeat x 230 or more days). This sounds hard, but it becomes a routine and routine is manageable.

    Now, take said soldier and send him home and you disrupt his routine. He loves being home, but now he has to find his place in his new family dynamic. He has complete focus at work, but has 'trouble' with simple things. He is overwhelmed by chosing cerial as there is 37 different brands and he is only used to 2 choices. I could go on with other examples, but you get the idea.

    Now for you, you wake up as one woman, pur on your uniform (or whatever you wear to work) become another person. You go home and take off the uniform, but that person does not come off as easily. The role we have to work harder to become (your work self) does not switch off as easily as we want.

    How does a soldier go from fighting a war to buying cereal? He constantly reminds hmself of his role in his family - even if he cannot fill it. This is done in many clever way - I personally have a VERY sexy pic of SM that I keep behinf a vanilla one on my desk. When deployed, I kep a pic of her and the kids in my helmet. I take an interest in 'silly' things. I once endured a rocket attack while talking to her about what type of washer/dryer we should buy next. ahhh the good ole memories.

    What do I think you should do?

    1. At work, you should surround yourself by subtle but constant reminders of the real you. Maybe music man needs to issue you a daily "must do" task. It needs to be sexy, but acompishable at work. Maybe it is as simple as calling another man "sir" suring the day or going without underwear for a period of time. It could be taking a pic of yourself semi revealed at work (restroom, office, whatever).

    2. Have one or more physical reminders. Maybe you bring "the hairbrush" to work. In in not a tip off to others, but you know what it is. Maybe a pic of him & you, or whatever serves as your reminder.

    3. Either call him for some quick non-vanilla talk or have him e-mail you or leave a voice mail with something that will keep you focused on the other half of you. I have went from watchin a video of SM pleasuring herself (while I was away) to briefing a bigwig all within 15 minuites. Other than trying to hide the raging hard -on, it is manageable. Why? Because our mainds are able to go from easy to hard very quickly (from sleeping to nursing a sick child in less than a minuite) but it is hard to go from hard to easy quickly (getting back to sleep after the vomit is cleaned up and the beds are remade).

    4. End your work day with a physical or mental jolt to get you out of work more. For me, I read the news or go to the gym just before leaving work and withing 10 mins of getting home, SM and I have shared a deep kiss and or, she will flash me her oh so beautiful tits. THat reminds me I am now home and "her man" not Major soldier man. For you, it could be a quick spank (slef induced if you get home before him), some slef leasuring (again if he is not home) or an act of complete submission ( to remind you of your role).

    Finally, Musicman has a big role to play in this, but if he is half the man you describe (and I am sure he is), he will willing play his role and find time for it in his day. He will learn that if he can keep you walking the line (mentally at least) between two worlds all day, you will become his faerie much soon when you get home.

    Just my two cents worth.

    TTFN
    Mr. No Name

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    1. Incredible comment

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    2. Sorry for the spelling errors, I hope my point is coherent despite them.

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    3. Great comment, despite the typos, lol. Thanks for weighing in with the male perspective, and like most males you got right to the meat of the problem. You have given me some super suggestions and alot to think about. Thanks.

      Musicman is more then willing to help, I just didn't know what I needed, that's when it gets really frustrating for me.

      I have to say, I love the idea of taking the hairbrush to work, but it would raise some eyebrows. I have very curly hair and there is no way I could ever get a brush through it, lol. But I do like the idea of seeing it at work, and I can handle a few raised eyebrows, as long as I don't slip and blurt out why I have it, yikes!!! I would do that too! I'm already getting them because of other seemingly innocent things I have said. Oh well, such is life, they don't have to understand me, they just have to work with me.

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    4. Thank you for the breadcrumbs and the comment, Mr. No Name.

      faerie, I understand the long days and trying to get back into the Real Self after getting home. Mrs. AP and I had the luxury of pending the vast majority of our first 17 months months together without either of us working outside the house; as a result we were together 24 hour a day. I then landed a job that has 12 hour shifts and a hour commute each way 4 days a week. I'd get home and feel exhausted and lost. Work Self was taking over.

      To combat this, I use Google Talk (either on my phone or in Gmail on the computer) to keep a running conversation with Mrs. AP during my shift. I call Her on my breaks. We talk about everything except work, and in the last few hours of my shift we almost always turn the conversation to a sexy theme. Fantasies, blog updates, people we've found online who interest us, etc. The point is to keep Real Self active and engaged with Mrs. AP even while at work.

      After I started making those changes our communication got better and I found it easier to slip into the proper headspace when I got home. I still have my bad days, but I'm better at expressing that now and helping Her understand that it's neither Her fault nor Her responsibility, but that She is always welcome to help as best She can.

      As Mr. No Name states, keeping that connection to the Real Self active while as work is the important part, and all of his ideas are fantastic. I wish you luck.

      Say SINful,
      Mr. AP

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    5. Welcome Mr. AP, thanks for sharing what worked for you. At this point I don't know what we will do, but I have lots to think about and suggestions to consider. Given some time, things will workout, I'm sure :)

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  8. Don't be too hard on yourself...this is a big change and that takes some adjusting. I understand why it's a struggle though, when you feel like you can't be 100% yourself. As others have suggested, finding a few little things that you can do throughout the day, could help you stay connected and express that side of yourself (and doing so secretly at work might even be kind of fun!)

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    1. I can see were doing something at work to feel not so disconnected would help. It's gonna take some thinking to figure out what though. I am exposed to the public constantly so it is gonna have to be something very subtle :)

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  9. Agree with Tess, don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you guys need to give maintenance a try, but I think you said it yourself: he was kind of tired, you not all that into it, and he wasn't acting very dominant. Trust me, I get the no dominant part. DH is still having self confidence issues with that at times. Plus, getting used to a new job takes time.

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    1. I have never seriously considered maintenance before, didn't feel I needed it. I'm starting to rethink that :) I'm trying to be more patient with myself too, I've never been good at being patient.

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    2. Yeah, patience is a virtue. Isn't it?

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    3. One I'm woefully lacking in, lol :D

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  10. She is you and she is there.

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    1. Thank you Emen, that was beutifully said. I just need to figure out how to get her to come back out when I get home.

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  11. I tried burying the submissive in me and it just didn't work. It made me more miserable inside. Hugs.

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    1. I know if I tried to bury her in the long run I would be miserable. I just have to work on making the switch a little easier.

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  12. You certainly got a lot of thought provoking replies. I guess you have to work on being more patience as you make the adjustment to working. I would think your need for submssion and Musicman's help will enable you to find a solution.

    FD

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    1. I did get lots of great suggestions, some made me laugh, some made me think eww, that won't work, others made me think, Hmmmm...just might work. Now we just need to figure out what will work for us :) A little patience on my part would help, I've never been good at being patient. My desire to be submissive isn't going to go away, so I guess we have no choice but to find a solution :) Thanks for the support :)

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  13. I like the idea of little subtle reminders that you are aware of while at work. But truthfully, I think this is just a bit of an adjustment period, and I think it will work itself out. ((hugs))

    Dee x

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    1. I kinda have to make it workout ;) I used to be much better handling changes too. I'm trying to be patient, and failing miserably, lol.

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