I'm feeling a little lost today. I feel like I have to deny a big part of myself when I am at work. That is making me question, again, do I really need this? Maybe it would be better if I just let it go? Bury my submissive self so far inside that she will never see the light of day again.
We had a lovely evening, the boy was out, so we had some early playtime. Physically it was great, but I couldn't get my head in the game. He was tired and there was little to no dominance. No spanking, no pain, that should be okay. I don't need that stuff. He even asked me what I wanted, I had no answer.
I had no answer cause I really didn't know. It felt like I was chasing some illusive mindset and just couldn't seem to catch it on my own. Of course, I wanted him to do the impossible. I wanted him to figure out what I couldn't and fix it. That's not very fair. Sometimes I get tired of always trying to be fair.
Maybe it is time to talk about maintenance. Maybe that would help me hang on to the me that I like to be. I understand she can't come out at work. I didn't anticipate having so much trouble switching back to the submissive mindset at home.
It doesn't effect the way I act at home, I still treat him well, I still take care of all the things I need to take care of. The chatter in my brain is just so loud, I can barely hear myself think. It distracts me and prevents me from really feeling happy and content. I thought it would be easy to switch back to that submissive mindset, not so much it seems.
I thought all I would have to do was dress a certain way, wear my hair a certain way. That's what I do, I get home from work and I change clothes and take my hair down. I look like the me I like to be, but I don't feel it. I didn't realize it was his dominance, the little swats here and there, or the things he says that cause the mindset to come flooding back.
I didn't realize it was the absence of his dominance I was feeling when he asked last night. I didn't count on the fact that the absence of his dominance would make me question again if I really need this. I didn't expect to feel such an abundance of guilt for needing more then he felt like giving last night. I didn't know what I needed when he asked, so I can't in good conscience blame him for anything. No, as usual the only one I blame is myself, I'm the one who didn't have the answer when he asked.
I'm feeling lost. I have no answers. The chatter in my head is too loud for me to hear anything clearly. Maybe it is time to talk about maintenance? Maybe if I knew that it would happen on a regular basis it would make things easier? So many maybes and too much chatter to hear the answers.
He left early again today cause he is still traveling for work. I have a long shift today myself, so it will be twelve hours yet before I see him. I have no idea what to expect when I do see him, I don't know who I will be then. Will I be me, or will I have tucked her away and be unable to bring her back out? I just don't know.