Sunday, March 11, 2012

What Do I Do Now?

A decision needed to be made, we discussed things and he asked for more time to think about it. I gave him as much time as was available. There was a deadline that needed to be addressed. He had not made a decision so as the deadline neared I brought it up again. He made a decision. Before I took action and responded to the deadline I waited then brought it up one more time. Was he sure, was this really the way he wanted me to respond to the deadline? He said yes again. Simple enough.

I responded to the deadline the way he said he wanted me to, 8 hours later he started questioning me again about the the decision, going over things we had been over several times. I got annoyed and he ignored me. I've expressed VERY clearly to him that that is the worst way he could handle the situation. We dropped the topic for the time being.

As time got closer to the activity with now no definite decision in place I brought it up one more time. I told him exactly how I felt. I'm very capable of seeing both sides to a situation and I explained that I understood his hesitation. I explained that if he felt the decision needed to be a certain way that yes, I would be disappointed, but I would understand. He made no decision.

After taking everything into consideration, all the concerns brought up in the many conversations, I finally made a decision. I made the decision with the outcome in his favor. No wonder he says I make thing too easy for him. I do.

This decision is going to cause repercussions with good friends of ours. Normally I would cover for him, think of some way to state the truth without making him look bad.  I do this for him because I understand very well why he is the way he is. This activity would require him to step outside his comfort zone, something that is hard for anyone. I didn't expect him to do this for me, I know better then that. I thought he would do it for our friends, I was wrong.

I'm very disappointed in him right now, and I don't think at this point that when the repercussions come that I can cover for him. I say that now, but the fact of the matter is when it happens I don't know what I will do. I'm not capable of being disloyal to him, even when he behaves in a way that lets me down.

In addition to this incident he has made some comments recently. Comments not designed to hurt me, but they have. Comments that let me know he really isn't so interested in making any changes in our relationship. Comments that make me feel like I'm just another thing on his to-do list that needs crossed off.

I'm seriously rethinking where I go from here. Do I keep trying or do I give up? Normally I never give up, and since it is my happiness at stake here it really should be a no brainer to keep trying.

For right now, I'm tired of trying. I've also realized I'm not at all good at going after things that make me happy if they cause issues in anyway for the people I love.

I love him, but I'm tired and I don't know what to do. I guess the ball is in his court now, past experience tells me he will ignore it.



  1. faerie, I am sorry you are in this spot right now. BREATHE,,theen BREATHE again. I know it is hard, I would say for now, do nothing. Change is harder for some people, maybe write your thoughts out, let the note set, go back and re-write...then send it. Sending good thoughts your way. abby

  2. Faerie,
    I'm sorry you're sad. I've been where you are,(not that that helps you any), and I'll probably be there again. When men start any of this, it's not smooth. It's most definitely in starts and stops. I wish it wasn't true but it is. You're a spanko at heart. That won't go away. It would be like trying to change your gender. You could deny it, cover it up, or even make surgical changes but your DNA wouldn't change. We can't change who we are.

    As for what to do right now, Abby's right. Do nothing. I'm betting as close as you two are he will come around in his own time. All you can really do is wait and be receptive to any promising signs. Keep writing, especially to us. There are some things I just can't say to Nick. But I can write them to my friends here, and eventually he'll know.

    Email sometime, okay?


  3. I don't know the details of your sadness, but I will share advice given to me at a time of great difficulty in my marriage. Advice #1- When I said "I don't know what to do!", feeling It was my decision. I was told "You don't have to do anything right at this moment, not until you feel like you want or are ready to do something". Advice #2- (given to me by someone else)... "You must decide for yourself, knowing it's nobody's decision or business than your own, are you better with him or without him?"... "Don't put anybody else's 2 cents in it, it is your decision." It's the basis of the rest. Hope that helps in some way. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

  4. I'm not sure wise words of wisdom here. I think maybe you wait and remind yourself of all the strengths he has and how they outweigh this present weakness. You slowly process it so that when the time comes that he must explain to your friends, you can sincerely be there at his side.

  5. Without knowing the details, all I can say is what abby already suggested - write it out. Sit on it. Read it again, send it.

    I can't even express how many humps we've gotten across with a well-thought-out letter.

  6. Fist Im with Abby and PK - for now do nothing....not knowing what to do is your subconscious telling you not to do anything "right now" when the time is right you will know what to do.
    Secondly Im with PK - you are a spanko at heart and that is never going to go away. This is a complicated lifestyle and a journey that has so many ups and downs i feel like jack in the box sometimes...but its worth it...for as great as the downs might get at times, the ups are much much higher.....hang in there chick, dont give it up. JUst keep the lines of communication open :)
    let us know how you get on
    love Kiwi xxx

  7. Dear faerie,

    Everyone else already said it - i'll just send energy and hugs...


  8. Wish I had some magic answer for you.
    Hope things get better soon.

  9. Ah faerie, try and stay positive, hard to do though I really do know. Hope things get better soon, hang in there.

    Dee x

  10. Thank you every one for the supportive comments and the good advice. For right now I am doing nothing except, breathing and then breathing again.

    I know we will work this out, I just don't know how right now.

  11. Hugs. Just take things moment by moment, day by day. I hope things work out.