I've been busy dealing with the day to day detritus that is my life, and as I do when I'm busy, I've been thinking. Assessing if you will, where I'm at and where I go from here.
Of course I can inventory and question all I want, any decisions made will not be made by me alone. I find that comforting, but I still feel the need to question.
The driving question of the moment is about this blog. It's been 6 months since I made this little place to air my thoughts. What have I learned, what have I accomplished?
There have been days when I have felt that pursuing this area of interest has made things worse. I doubted and I wondered if all the turmoil it brought into my life was worth the payoff? The truth of the matter is the turmoil was already present, I just didn't want to face it. But I did face it, and I survived, I've learned, I've grown.
I have learned that I am a submissive wife, but that submission stopped at the bedroom door. I suppose this could be true for many women, they are submissive in the bedroom, but not outside of it. In true faerie form, I did it backwards. I was submissive outside the bedroom only. I have faced the demons in my past that made that necessary. I have accomplished the ability to take the next step, but that step will not be taken alone. I trust in that and that trust is calming.
I have learned that even while middle age presents it's own challenges, there are still wonderous new things to experience. New pleasures to be had. The safety I feel within my relationship has allowed me to accept things about myself that previously scared me. Things that hold great pleasure. Things that intrigue and excite me. I've accomplished the strength to give voice to those things, though most times in a whisper.
I can't say exactly what has caused the change, I can't articulate the feeling. Acceptance? I'm not sure what it is acceptance of, but that is what it feels like. Calm, hopeful, like where we are at is okay, for now. It doesn't feel like where I want to be, but, I have a better understanding of which way to go.