Posts
Of course I can inventory and question all I want, any decisions made will not be made by me alone. I find that comforting, but I still feel the need to question.
The driving question of the moment is about this blog. It's been 6 months since I made this little place to air my thoughts. What have I learned, what have I accomplished?
There have been days when I have felt that pursuing this area of interest has made things worse. I doubted and I wondered if all the turmoil it brought into my life was worth the payoff? The truth of the matter is the turmoil was already present, I just didn't want to face it. But I did face it, and I survived, I've learned, I've grown.
I have learned that I am a submissive wife, but that submission stopped at the bedroom door. I suppose this could be true for many women, they are submissive in the bedroom, but not outside of it. In true faerie form, I did it backwards. I was submissive outside the bedroom only. I have faced the demons in my past that made that necessary. I have accomplished the ability to take the next step, but that step will not be taken alone. I trust in that and that trust is calming.
I have learned that even while middle age presents it's own challenges, there are still wonderous new things to experience. New pleasures to be had. The safety I feel within my relationship has allowed me to accept things about myself that previously scared me. Things that hold great pleasure. Things that intrigue and excite me. I've accomplished the strength to give voice to those things, though most times in a whisper.
I can't say exactly what has caused the change, I can't articulate the feeling. Acceptance? I'm not sure what it is acceptance of, but that is what it feels like. Calm, hopeful, like where we are at is okay, for now. It doesn't feel like where I want to be, but, I have a better understanding of which way to go.
Lovely post. Glad you are with us-Happy 6th month Anniversary.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sunnygirl, I'm glad too :)
DeleteFaerie,
ReplyDeleteThe only advice I can offer on blogging (and I am also coming up on 6 months) is to do it for yourself. Write what you are feeling, thinking or what interests you. We will continue to follow, even if you take a break between posts, post something we find boring or post something we disagree with. Write for you, not anyone else.
Also, be cautious letting in anyone from your "real life." It will filter your writing in a way that will remove the essence of you. The minute you have to stop and think "what will so and so think of this" you have lost the spark.
TTFN
Mr. No Name
Thanks for the support, it still surprises me that people read what I write, lol. I usually get in a bit of a zone when I write and never consider anyone else.
DeleteThe only person in my real life that knows about this place is my husband, I don't plan on telling anyone else. Musicman is supportive of my writing and doesn't in anyway censor what I write. In fact, unless I bring it up I don't know for sure when or what he is reading.
I think it's like cleaning - you start with a mess, then you make it even messier before you can sort it all out and make it tidy again.
ReplyDeleteIt seems worse for a bit, but it starts to get better. Knowing which way to go is half the battle.
Great analogy, it is kinda like waiding through a giant mess sometimes. Maybe I've made a thorough inventory of everything? And, maybe not, lol.
DeleteReflection is good for the soul, or so I've heard :)
I don't know if our journey with submission to our husbands will be the same as our journey with our submission to God. We have to renew the commitment daily, and sometimes we do better than other times. If God's word says we have to be constantly renewed and He understands our make up, our DNA of who we are, then surely we would have to renew ourselves daily with our husbands also. (Because we are the same person)... I'm asking myself if I'm making any sense?? We fight the battle of being selfish beings, humans born with a selfish nature. God has promised to help if we seek Him, and now also our husbands promise to help. It's a journey, a battle, a challenge, a goal, a hope, a desire, but I doubt if ever truely conquered. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteHi Belle, This line in your comment really struck me :
DeleteIt's a journey, a battle, a challenge, a goal, a hope, a desire, but I doubt if ever truely conquered.
For me that's a great description of life, with one exception. I plan to conquer. I will meet every challenge and fight every battle, and in doing that I will meet my goals and fulfill my hopes and desires. I've already faced and conquered a lot in this life and I never give up, just make new plans of attack.
Very thought inspiring comment, thank you :)
Hopefully we all learn a bit from each other and even we may not realize it at the time what you wrote three days ago might help me today and vice versa. Sometimes its just therapeutic to get the words out. Know which way you ant go is half the battle.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes that is the hardest part of the battle, knowing what I want. There's just so much, what's a girl to do? LOL.
DeleteSounds like process to me, however big or small you think it may be :)
ReplyDeleteDee x
It's definitely a process and I might even be making some small amount of progress :)
DeleteIt's just good for me to step back and try to see the big picture sometimes, gain a little perspective. I see life as a very fluid entity, if I don't adjust with the currents, or try to fight the currents, I will exhaust myself and drown. I wish I was a better swimmer, lol.
I'm so glad you are here. For me blogging helps me capture problems. Things that swirl in my head get bigger and bigger and worse and worse. Once I capture it in a post I can see if for what it really is, good or bad, but captured.
ReplyDeleteI hope you will enjoy blogging for a long time to come.
Hugs,
PK
Yes it seems to work that way for me too, which is why I will probably be around awhile. As soon as I capture those swirling thoughts they are replaced with others.
DeleteMuch thanks to you for all your friendship and support, I couldn't a done it without ya :)
Happy six months! I think it's really interesting you were only submissive outside the bedroom, I was very much the same for a long time. Little by little, I've learned to be submissive inside of it as well. Interesting how much you learn and change along the way. I wonder where you'll be in another six months!
ReplyDeleteRiley you make me smile :)
DeleteI've been married longer then you've been alive so hearing you say you were much the same for a "long time and little by little" your learning? Kind gives me a different perspective on things.
I like seeing those different perspectives, thanks for sharing.
Aw, okay you just made me smile, too! Maybe I used poor word choice! I just meant for the majority (the "longer" portion!) of our relationship, I was submissive outside of the bedroom; it's more comfortable to submit to a task you're familiar with than the unknown (sexual). Also, sometimes things seem long, at least to me! Kind of like, you know how when you were five, an hour-long car ride seemed like an eternity? Well, at my age, apparently relationships seem that way, but, in a good way.
DeleteI'll stop my rambling now ;) Thanks for the smile! You just put things into perspective for me as well!
Riley, your word choices were fine :) You don't need to explain or justify anything here. I enjoy the youthful perspective you bring. I may be old enough to be your mother, but I still remember what it was like to be your age. Embrace it, enjoy it and don't ever make excuses for it.
DeleteI learned some new things about you while reading this faerie. It was a lovely post.
ReplyDeleteI will trust and hope that the next six months are full of challenge but less stress, pain and change.
Thanks Susie :) I hope it was something good you learned. I'm usually more the poster child for what not to do, lol.
DeleteSounds like a good place to be, faerie.
ReplyDeletei sure appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences here, i learn from you, and am grateful for that. And i'm glad that things are moving in a direction you like.
Happy Anniversary!!
hugs,
aisha
Thank you for the compliment aisha. I learn a lot from what you write also and find it gratifying that you find something of value in my writing. I'm looking forward to six more months of sharing and learning :)
DeleteHappy 6 months! I'm glad you are here and glad I'm back in blogland reading.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that blogging has been so helpful for me, and I see it in others as well. I love seeing how things come together, or, things are realized just by blogging about them.
I agree with a previous commenter who said not to let in friends from real life. I once had a shared blog that I eventually abandoned because I just didn't feel free anymore to write whatever would come out of my fingertips. I still sometimes hide my other writing from my "H" because I don't feel quite free enough to let him in.
I'll be curious to see where blogging leads us ALL in the next 6 months. I think you and I both were new around the same time.
I've also come to a bit of acceptance with some things personally, just from blogging and the support of this community.
Welcome back Emi, as I said to the other commenter, no one knows about the blog other then Musicman and that isn't going to change.
DeleteI predict in six months you're going to be a very busy woman, lol. As for myself, no clue, but if the last six months are any indication it should be interesting at the very least.
Sounds like you've learned a lot, faerie! Congratulations on six months!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jake, now if I can just figure out what to do with what I've learned.
Delete