Thursday, March 8, 2012

Sweet Tooth

My thoughts have been swirling all morning. I've been cleaning and dancing around the house hoping they would come together. My house is sparkly clean, not so sure about the thoughts though. This post may just ramble on with no definite point...oh well.

The last week or so has been pretty much D/s free. The little stumble that sent me crashing revealed an issue that we needed to address. This issue's outcome is not totally in our control, but we have acknowledged it and are doing what we can to deal with the situation. I'm counting that as progress.

I missed the D/s. I was starting to crave it. I wanted to feel his control. I wanted to feel the pain.

Last night it came roaring back in the most delicious ways. Ways so delicious they left me a boneless pile of mush. I want to bottle that feeling so I can have it anytime I want. I know me, I'd want it all the time.

He did something last night that surprised me and from what he said afterward he acted on instinct and it surprised him a little too. It was not something I would have ever asked him to do, never even considered it.

I loved it. That surprises me too.  I hope he does it again. That doesn't surprise me.

It does make me think a lot about limits though. Clearly, I'm not good with limits. I see boundaries as a challenge. Can I cross them? Can I push them? I know me, I'll push them.

The physical part of D/s is new for us. I don't know what my limits are. I'm still working on processing the fact that my brain now experiences pain as pleasure. This hasn't always been true.

In some ways it's almost like being in a different body. It craves things it never wanted before. It reacts positively to stimuli that in the past it didn't. It confuses me, I don't know me anymore.

How do I know what my limits are when everything seems so foreign? On first blush I would answer that by saying Musicman knows my limits. But really how could he? If I don't know them, how could he?

What I do know is that I can trust Musicman, he has much better control then I will ever have. I've always known that and I think that is why it is so easy for me to accept his control. I'm safe there.

When I look at the possibilities of where this journey may take us, I feel kinda like a kid in a candy store.  It all looks so good, I want to taste every last piece of it. If left to my own devices I would run around shoving it all in my mouth at once. There are two things I can see that are wrong with that: you don't get the full flavor of anything that way, and, you make yourself sick.

Musicman has a sweet tooth, he also has much more discerning tastes then I do.  He won't let the pretty colors and the sweet smells intoxicate him. He's in control and that makes me feel safe. I'm content letting him choose the candy for me to taste.

                                                                                  

28 comments:

  1. I think it's wonderful to be 'mature' (that's over 25) and your live can make such an unexpected, delightful change. I'm glad you are enjoying.

    PK

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    1. Per your definition I'm waaay past mature, lol. Too bad I don't feel so mature sometimes. Oh well.

      I have to agree about the unexpected yet delightful change, it's kinda awesome :)

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  2. Thanks for your earlier comment. In reading your post now it does seem we are in similar situations. I love the kid in the candy store analogy, it fits quite well my friend. I am glad to hear you content and also a little relieved we to hear I am not alone. Confusion loves company. I love the picture too.

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    1. You are not alone at all, we can be confused together, lol. And I promise you if the confusion clears I'll share the wisdom with you. Just don't hold your breath waiting, lol.

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  3. That's always been my problem, my whole life - I like everything so much, I can never choose. I spent 10 years getting a 4 year degree because I kept switching what I wanted.

    It's good that my husband is a little more able to focus. He does the things he likes best, and that's better than being crippled by too many choices.

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    1. I love that it took your 10 years to get a 4 year degree. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

      It is definitely better when Musicman doesn't give me a choice, I just get lost in all the possibilities and would never be able to make up my mind, lol.

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  4. Kid in a candy store, I think this is the best analogy I have come across.
    And I know that feeling.

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    1. Thanks lil. It's wonderful and scary all at the same time.

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  5. :) lovely post - you sound...content? :) and great analogy...it can be so true

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    1. I'm learning to really like the word content :)

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  6. I'm picturing you running in circles around him figuring out what you want to try next, till he grabs you and pulls you in and picks one for you...and whatever he choose is totally okay with you.

    You two are cute!

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    1. Susie, when did you see us shopping? LOL.

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  7. LOL..isn't it nice to have choices, sometimes. I have found that limits are very fluid. What I would have listed as hard limits when I first met Master,,,,some of those I have come to enjoy. Trust is the key...and you have that! abby

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    1. Thanks abby, you make a good point.

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  8. It sounds wonderful. I know about the candy store. I always want it all too. it is even better when it is unexpected.

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    1. I guess I thought I was too old and too jaded to be surprised anymore. I admit it, I was wrong, but in the best way.

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  9. I'm so glad you sound happy! I hope that you continue to get these happy surprises.
    Love, Isabella

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    1. Thanks Isabella, we're just starting out so I think it is safe to say it will probably happen again. That makes me very happy.

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  10. I could have written this post, faerie. Oh, my! We really are a lot alike. Maybe we were twins separated at birth, lol!

    Musicman and Daddy are amazingly alike, too! I swear it's so earie. You could have been describing Daddy.

    Thanks for putting into words some of my crazy thoughts of late.
    Love,
    Kitty

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    1. Kitty, bizarre isn't it how much our lives mirror each other's, especially when you consider how different our backgrounds are.

      I'm happy to share my crazy thoughts anytime, lol.

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  11. Lovely post faerie. Being contented is a wonderful thing :)

    Dee x

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  12. Like a kid in a candy store? lol Yes, I agree! I can't be trusted not to fill up on way too much candy, which is why it's a good thing that Michael is in control, not me. I tend to be such an all or nothing girl that sometimes I forget to slow down and smell the roses...or savor the candy. We came to a bit of a crossroads lately and once Michael decided which way we're headed, he made me promise him something...to use my safeword if I need to, either for an emotional or a physical reason. He made sure I knew just how serious he was about that and I promised him. I've not used it yet, haven't had a need, but I wonder if I'll have a hard time using it should the time come or if I'll be tempted to try to push through. I did promise him though, I better keep reminding myself of that. ;) I'm glad you're feeling content Faerie! :)

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    1. All or nothing, oh yeah that sounds about right. We don't have a safeword yet. We talked about it once, but then Musicman said something that cracked me up and we got a bit distracted, lol. May have to revisit that conversation soon.

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  13. I'm so happy for you and Musicman.

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  14. The kid in the candy store analogy was very good. Especially the part about you letting him decide what you get to taste. And it's so good that you feel safe with him and are willing to accept his control. Good luck as you continue your journey in the lifestyle. You both seem to be on the right path.

    FD

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    1. I made a conscious decision years ago to let him protect me, it was important to him and was a huge step for me. Now I see it was really our first step on this path, and while we walked very slowly for a long time, now I'm ready to run.

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