This post has been sitting in my draft folder for quite some time. Despite that, it describes exactly how I'm feeling today, so I thought I'd dust it off and let it see the light of day.
I am an extremely strong willed woman, I've been told this my whole life. I've always believed it too. I've survived things no one should ever have to know about, much less experience. I have found that submission just increases my strength as a woman. For me, that is truly where my power lies.
It's not easy to choose to follow someone else's lead, no matter how much you love and respect them. It requires a certain amount of trust and a willingness to put other's needs first. It's not an easy thing to do, but it does get easier over time. Obviously, I get satisfaction from living this way, or I wouldn't do it.
It took a very strong man to get me to choose to live this way. Musicman was not the first man in my life, he wasn't even my first serious relationship. If all I had been looking for was an escape from the hell of my childhood home, I could have accepted my first marriage proposal, I was 14. There were more than a few others over the years before I met Musicman. I even accepted one and almost did marry. Thank goodness I grew up and changed my mind about that one. I now know that would have been a colossal mistake.
I've softened some over the years, but not as much as one might think. I choose to share my soft, submissive side with Musicman. Though, when provoked, that strength comes rushing out. I know, without a doubt, that if I really needed or wanted to, I could choose to walk away and leave it all behind me.
That fact is something Musicman forgets on occasion. Dominance comes so naturally to him, that he often forgets exactly how strong I am. Yes, I think it was that strength that attracted him to me in the first place. Well, that and he really liked my ass.
The simple fact of the matter is, there are times, especially in long term relationships, that you need to step back and remember who you, as an individual, really are. I think it's healthy for the relationship for our partner's to remember also.
I may be submissive, I may be willing to defer to his wants and needs over my own, but there are some things I will never allow. I will NOT be pushed around. I will NOT be disrespected. I will NOT be taken for granted.
I expect a certain level of active participation from him in this relationship. I expect a certain level of respect. I expect a certain level of understanding and appreciation for the things I do on a day to day basis that make his life easier. If I feel like I am not getting the things I expect and quite frankly, deserve, I will let him know about it.
I'm not an easy woman to live with, I never have been and I doubt that I ever will be. If he wants to continue to receive the gift of my submission, he must continue to be strong enough to meet my expectations. He must continue to show me the respect and appreciation that I deserve.
Is this submission with a caveat? Maybe it is, but it's the way I define submission and have defined it for the last 28 years. It's the definition he has been willing to accept for the last 28 years. If he wants to renegotiate then he needs to speak up. If he's not interested in meeting my expectations, so be it. I'm strong enough to move on.
He sometimes needs to be reminded that he can only push me so far. I'm strong enough to survive all by myself, I've done it before and am confident I can do it again. The reality is, I, the submissive, hold the real power in this relationship. If he doesn't like that, he can speak up and change it. I'm always willing to listen, but he needs to have something worthwhile to say.