I've been thinking a lot about the different facets that make up me. We all have them, daughter, sister, mother, employee, friend, caregiver. While all these things have the potential to affect my ability to submit, those aren't the facets I've been thinking about.
The facets I have been thinking about are the facets of my submission. It seems like the more I focus on my submission, the more I grow into it, the more facets emerge. I have found it both fascinating and distressing. Distressing because there are some facets, or some aspects of each facet, that have been difficult for me to accept.
At first I just thought of my submission as one thing. I submit to his control, I serve him. Easy, peasy, I've been doing that for years anyway, I just never thought of it as submission. I never really thought about it at all, him being in charge was just what worked for us. In fact, most of the time, I didn't know that it was unusual to live this way. Oh yeah, there were those occasions, when I might say something innocuous to a friend or colleague and get some odd looks or reactions and then I would wonder why, but it never caused me to change the way I lived.
Being submissive seemed easy and natural for me. As we've grown I have identified the one thing I have a hard time with. Those times when he decides he is going to use me for his own pleasure, regardless of whether it works for me or not. Thank goodness those times don't occur very often, I don't handle it all that well. I have been working on it and am making good progress with how I react. I'd say I'm at the stage where I don't necessarily like it, but I accept it.
Then there is the masochist side of me. That has been a lot harder facet for me to accept. It confused me that I could like and even find pleasure, in receiving pain. I never used too. It's not something I do for him, he's not a sadist. I've wondered about my attraction to pain for a long, long time. I accepted it, but I still wondered and was a bit embarrassed by it. I mean really, who in their right mind wants, even craves pain? Me, that's who, but why?
I've come to the conclusion that pain is just another sensation to explore. But why now? Why not all kinds of pain? Cause just any old pain isn't a turn on for me. It has to be pain caused by him. Therein lies my answer. I trust him to be in control, to know how far to push me. Knowing he is in control, knowing I can trust him to always have my best interests in mind, allows me the freedom to just experience whatever sensation he decides to deliver. That's where the magic that turns pain into pleasure come from, for me.
Lately, I have noticed another facet trying desperately to emerge. A facet that I am not at all comfortable with and have been quite unwilling to accept. Yanno, just ignore it, it will go away. Yeah, that's not really working for me. I've been ignoring it for some time now, it's not going away, it's getting louder and pushier.
I've noticed that there is a very significant "little" in me that is trying to come to the fore and be acknowledged. This freaks me out, more than just a bit. I believe that can be contributed to the abuse I went through as a child. What kind of woman who grew up being raped and abused on an almost daily basis by her father would want that kind of relationship? That is the question I am having a hard time answering.
I have done quite bit of reading about it. I know that age play is not necessarily the same thing as Daddy/Little girl, but it still freaks me out a bit. I don't have any desire to call Musicman, Daddy and doubt I ever will. But, I do have a huge desire to be taken care of the way a little girl might want.
Again, my mind strays to the way I was raised. Do I want this because I feel like I never really was a child? Like I never really had that carefree period in life when all the grownups took care of everything leaving me free to pursue whatever made me happy? Maybe, I really don't know. I also don't know how acknowledging and accepting it would change anything for us. What I do know is that this facet is getting brighter and louder and wants to be acknowledged. I'm not necessarily comfortable with that, but I also can't continue to ignore it.