Monday, February 3, 2014

The Facets of My Submission

I've been thinking a lot about the different facets that make up me. We all have them, daughter, sister, mother, employee, friend, caregiver. While all these things have the potential to affect my ability to submit, those aren't the facets I've been thinking about.

The facets I have been thinking about are the facets of my submission. It seems like the more I focus on my submission, the more I grow into it, the more facets emerge. I have found it both fascinating and distressing. Distressing because there are some facets, or some aspects of each facet, that have been difficult for me to accept.

At first I just thought of my submission as one thing. I submit to his control, I serve him. Easy, peasy, I've been doing that for years anyway, I just never thought of it as submission. I never really thought about it at all, him being in charge was just what worked for us. In fact, most of the time, I didn't know that it was unusual to live this way. Oh yeah, there were those occasions, when I might say something innocuous to a friend or colleague and get some odd looks or reactions and then I would wonder why, but it never caused me to change the way I lived.

Being submissive seemed easy and natural for me. As we've grown I have identified the one thing I have a hard time with. Those times when he decides he is going to use me for his own pleasure, regardless of whether it works for me or not. Thank goodness those times don't occur very often, I don't handle it all that well. I have been working on it and am making good progress with how I react. I'd say I'm at the stage where I don't necessarily like it, but I accept it.

Then there is the masochist side of me. That has been a lot harder facet for me to accept. It confused me that I could like and even find pleasure, in receiving pain. I never used too. It's not something I do for him, he's not a sadist. I've wondered about my attraction to pain for a long, long time. I accepted it, but I still wondered and was a bit embarrassed by it. I mean really, who in their right mind wants, even craves pain? Me, that's who, but why?

I've come to the conclusion that pain is just another sensation to explore. But why now? Why not all kinds of pain? Cause just any old pain isn't a turn on for me. It has to be pain caused by him. Therein lies my answer. I trust him to be in control, to know how far to push me. Knowing he is in control, knowing I can trust him to always have my best interests in mind, allows me the freedom to just experience whatever sensation he decides to deliver. That's where the magic that turns pain into pleasure come from, for me.

Lately, I have noticed another facet trying desperately to emerge. A facet that I am not at all comfortable with and have been quite unwilling to accept. Yanno, just ignore it, it will go away. Yeah, that's not really working for me. I've been ignoring it for some time now, it's not going away, it's getting louder and pushier.

I've noticed that there is a very significant "little" in me that is trying to come to the fore and be acknowledged. This freaks me out, more than just a bit. I believe that can be contributed to the abuse I went through as a child. What kind of woman who grew up being raped and abused on an almost daily basis by her father would want that kind of relationship? That is the question I am having a hard time answering.

I have done quite bit of reading about it. I know that age play is not necessarily the same thing as Daddy/Little girl, but it still freaks me out a bit. I don't have any desire to call Musicman, Daddy and doubt I ever will. But, I do have a huge desire to be taken care of the way a little girl might want.

Again, my mind strays to the way I was raised. Do I want this because I feel like I never really was a child? Like I never really had that carefree period in life when all the grownups took care of everything leaving me free to pursue whatever made me happy? Maybe, I really don't know. I also don't know how acknowledging and accepting it would change anything for us. What I do know is that this facet is getting brighter and louder and wants to be acknowledged. I'm not necessarily comfortable with that, but I also can't continue to ignore it.

12 comments:

  1. I think there comes a time when everyone of us want to be taken care of, whether its for a day, a week, a year or forever. When we acknowledge the need, it's time to accept what's offerred.

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  2. Interesting post. It seems normal(and good, though unexpected) when something shifts ever so slightly in me regarding my submission/sexuality. It's growth, which is good. I have just recently been made aware of some of the subtleties and nuances present in some women who call themselves littles or babygirls. Don't feel as though you have to box yourself in though. We are all just Venn diagrams with many categories and overlaps :)

    River

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    1. I don't feel like I need to box myself in, but accepting this facet of me has been a bit of a struggle. Too many ghosts in my past that still haunt me, despite everything I do to lay them to rest.

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  3. I think... we crave to have that void filled no matter if we have come to terms with what happened to us as children or not, because a void it most definitely is. I also think you have made a humongous step by admitting you have these feelings!

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    1. It feels like a humongous step to me too. It's ironic how I can deal with all the crap in my past, think I have moved on, only to have more crap float to the surface. Who knew TTWD and blogging would become a way of healing?

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  4. Congrats for talking about your feelings. That must have been difficult but I think it is better than keeping it bottled up. It's good to acknowledge how you feel. And good luck in dealing with all this and sorting it out. It's nice you have friends here in blogland that you can open up to.

    FD

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    1. It is very nice to have a place to express the darker side of my life and friends that don't run away screaming when I do. Though I'm not necessarily happy about parts of my past continuing to popup, it does help to deal with them and move on. I just wonder if a day will ever come when there is nothing left to come back and haunt me. It would be quite nice if that did happen.

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  5. Hey Faerie...I think Sunny makes a good point...there are times we all want to be taken care of. You might be right that you are seeking what you were denied as a child...and you now trust MM enough to allow those desires to emerge. As long as you and MM are comfortable with it...that's all that matters.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. I honestly have no idea how Musicman feels about it. I have been way to uncomfortable with facing this myself to even tell him about it. Obviously he knows now, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. He's not one to spend time reading or educating himself about this stuff. He waits for me to come to him and tell him what I want or need. Since at this point I don't know that I don't have much more to say about it to him.

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  6. It is great that you were able to put these feelings into words...notice, be aware, reflect, and more will come to you to know what all the feelings mean for you and how you want them to evolve in your life and relationship. And everyone wants to be taken care of sometimes. I know I sometimes long to be nurtured by the man in my life. Hugs

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    1. I know we all want to be taken of sometimes. Musicman takes very good care of me. This is something different, something I obviously don't have the understanding or the words to express yet. I think just accepting it enough to even try and express it is enough for now.

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