Friday, February 14, 2014

ADRIFT

Musicman and I have been together for more than half our lives. He loves me, flaws and all. I love him, flaws and all. That is important to me. He is a naturally dominant man. Turns out, I am a naturally submissive woman. If you knew us in real life and knew what to look for, it would be very apparent. We are that annoying couple that is always together and always happy to be together. That doesn't mean that things always run smoothly.



We've had one of THOSE weeks.



The kind of week were my hormones run amok. The kind of week were the tears leak out despite my best attempts to hide them. The kind of week where I needed him to step up and take care of me.



That didn't happen. Instead, things were said. Things that hurt my feelings. I know that was not his intention, but it's what happened. I forgot that this "lifestyle" is only a lifestyle to me. To him, it's just a game. A fun, kinky game, to be indulged on occasion.



For the most part, I can accept that, except when I need his help, then it's not so much fun and games.



I did what I was supposed to do. I communicated. To no avail. He wasn't in the mood to play. Too many other things occupied his mind and took up too much of his energy. There was nothing left for me.



I tried to be understanding. I found other things to occupy my time and expend my energy. It didn't help much, communication( the holy grail of TTWD) broke down. Distance ensued.



I feel adrift, without my anchor, flailing about.  I have not the energy, or the willingness, to beg. If I felt I could go back to a time before I knew how wonderfully fulfilling submission could make me feel, I would. I know that won't work. Yet, I no longer have the energy to go forward.








16 comments:

  1. Big Hugs to you Faerie. I so wish I had the words. I can only offer my empathy, understanding, and friendship, and a shoulder or listening ear...

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, what you have to offer is just as important as an answer to my problems. I don't really expect anyone to have that.

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  2. Hang on Faerie. Your submission is beautiful- I see it in your writing. The need is magnified and painful when it's there. You are NOT alone out there!! XOXO Pearl

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    1. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I do know things will get better. It's just so hard to be patient sometimes, especially when I have no answers on how to make them better.

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  3. Hi Faerie, I can only echo the sentiments already spoken here. I have been where you are emotionally, and I am so sorry. Almost nothing worse than seeing what you desire so close but so unattainable. Does he read here? Does he know how you are suffering? I don't know what to say but that I feel for you.

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    1. He reads here and he knows how I feel, it's just as important to him as it is to me. I've known this for awhile, but it doesn't always help.

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  4. Those peaks and valleys are a bitch, but you'll get through them, too much love not to. Hugs.

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    1. I know I'll get through, it just seems as if I've been stuck in a very deep valley for quite awhile now. I wish I could find the energy to climb out, but at the moment, it seems overwhelming.

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    2. I agree too Misty, I know things will get better, just not as quickly as I would like I guess.

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  5. Thinking of you Faerie. Sending you many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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  6. oh no :( many (((((HUGS)))) these bumps in the road are hideous. Hope you're past this one soon xxx

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    1. It has been hideous and this bump can't pass soon enough for me.

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