I saw this on facebook and it really spoke to me.
Despite all the seemingly negative things that have occurred to me in my life, I have never thought of myself as a victim. Even as a young child, enduring horrific abuse almost daily, I never thought of myself as a victim. I always focused my thoughts on surviving and what I needed to do to survive.
This year has been extremely challenging for us with all the major life changes we have experienced. It would be so easy for me to lay down, succumb to depression and just wallow in the pain of it all. I admit, there are some days that I allow myself that luxury, but not too often. The survivor in me just won't accept that kind of behavior for very long.
No, the survivor in me gets her ass out of bed and turns her thoughts to what she needs to do to survive. Eventually, once surviving seems a sure thing, thoughts turn from surviving to thriving. Ya see, I am a survivor, but I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive.
That's where my thoughts are now. How do I thrive again? Now that I have picked up the pieces, how do I move forward?
I've realized that being back at square one may not be such a bad thing. It may actually help us in the end. It may actually go a long way toward making us and our relationship that much stronger. At least that is how I choose to look at it. I choose to look for the lesson I am supposed to be learning. I choose to look for what areas of my life need improvement or change.
I've realized that I have not been taking my own advice. Bad me. Instead of turning toward Musicman, I was most definitely shutting him out. I hadn't meant to do that. I really just shut down because I didn't want to deal with the pain of everything going on. That was an acceptable way to deal with things when I was young and had no one to turn to for the love and support I needed.
Now, that is not only no longer acceptable, it is totally unnecessary. It is not necessary because he is here, he is willing to support me and he will always love me. I had felt for awhile that things weren't happening between us because he was no longer interested. How wrong I was.
Things weren't happening because I was so shut down he was no longer able to reach me. He was no longer able to read me the way he had been able to do. Things weren't happening because he had no clue what to do for me. He tried, but everything he did try, fell on deaf ears.
Is everything back to normal for us? No, not yet, that is going to take some more time. But, I am making a very conscious effort to be open to him and be aware of the fact that he is trying. I am making a conscious effort to respond to his overtures in an open and honest manner.
It's a start.