Friday, November 1, 2013

Surviving and Thriving

 
I saw this on facebook and it really spoke to me.
 
Despite all the seemingly negative things that have occurred to me in my life, I have never thought of myself as a victim. Even as a young child, enduring horrific abuse almost daily, I never thought of myself as a victim. I always focused my thoughts on surviving and what I needed to do to survive.
 
This year has been extremely challenging for us with all the major life changes we have experienced. It would be so easy for me to lay down, succumb to depression and just wallow in the pain of it all. I admit, there are some days that I allow myself that luxury, but not too often. The survivor in me just won't accept that kind of behavior for very long.
 
No, the survivor in me gets her ass out of bed and turns her thoughts to what she needs to do to survive. Eventually, once surviving seems a sure thing, thoughts turn from surviving to thriving. Ya see, I am a survivor, but I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive.
 
That's where my thoughts are now. How do I thrive again? Now that I have picked up the pieces, how do I move forward?
 
I've realized that being back at square one may not be such a bad thing. It may actually help us in the end. It may actually go a long way toward making us and our relationship that much stronger. At least that is how I choose to look at it. I choose to look for the lesson I am supposed to be learning. I choose to look for what areas of my life need improvement or change.
 
I've realized that I have not been taking my own advice. Bad me. Instead of turning toward Musicman, I was most definitely shutting him out. I hadn't meant to do that. I really just shut down because I didn't want to deal with the pain of everything going on. That was an acceptable way to deal with things when I was young and had no one to turn to for the love and support I needed.
 
Now, that is not only no longer acceptable, it is totally unnecessary. It is not necessary because he is here, he is willing to support me and he will always love me. I had felt for awhile that things weren't happening between us because he was no longer interested. How wrong I was.
 
Things weren't happening because I was so shut down he was no longer able to reach me. He was no longer able to read me the way he had been able to do. Things weren't happening because he had no clue what to do for me. He tried, but everything he did try, fell on deaf ears.
 
Is everything back to normal for us? No, not yet, that is going to take some more time. But, I am making a very conscious effort to be open to him and be aware of the fact that he is trying. I am making a conscious effort to respond to his overtures in an open and honest manner.
 
It's a start.
 

 
 

13 comments:

  1. It is indeed a start...in face I would call it a giant step forward! I love that you are now in a striving mode......sending lots of positive energy your way!
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby, I am striving, but it's slow going. I'm trying to be okay with that, but some days I fail miserable. Oh well, as long as I don't give up, everything will be okay, at least that's what I tell myself.

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  2. It is a start and while he may not agree with everything you say or do, he will always have your back. Lean back and fall into his arms, they will be waiting.

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    1. His arms may be waiting, but it doesn't always feel like he has my back. Some issues have occurred lately where he hasn't. I'm working on letting go of the resentment that has caused me to feel. I can't change the issue and the resentment doesn't help anything.

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  3. Love your positivity and your goal of thriving...new beginnings and a good start. :-) Sending hugs

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    1. Thanks Terpsichore, I'm trying, some days are definitely better then others.

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  4. Congrats on being a survivor and for opening up more to Musicman. Good luck in the future.

    FD.

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    1. Thanks FD, I think I was born a survivor. I just forgot for that for awhile.

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  5. I'm going to quote you a little song I've sung to myself many times. It's from church actually and the tune doesn't matter a bit:

    Return again.
    Return again.
    Return to the land of your soul.
    Return to who you are.
    REturn to what you are.
    Return to where you are...
    Born and reborn again...

    It does not refer to a Christian rebirth (as in born again)...but to the ongoing need of the spirit to revist, learn, pass through painful times, only to be returned again to what appears to be the start...(rather like a pendulum making a circle..)

    This seems to be exactly where you are now. Congratulations on two years of journaling, of exploring the "who you are" in such a public way...because your struggles help others remember that we are not alone...we all feel those feelings at various times in our journeys.

    sending lots of hugs and love and whammies..that your journey together continues to grow deep and tangled together until two become one in perpetuity.

    nilla

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    1. I forgot this isn't Facebook - I wanted to "like" your comment :-)

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    2. Thanks for sharing nilla. I have a habit of keeping meaningful or uplifting things like this in a place I can see them daily. I have added this to my portfolio so I can see it frequently and remember that I will not be stuck here forever.

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  6. It is a start...back to where you want to be. I am so glad. It is all about perspective isn't it? You thought he wasn't there...he was. Always is.

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    1. He's always here, he just doesn't give things the attention I wish he would give them. That's been an ongoing issue for us for many, many years. It's not something I'm going to change in him either. Eventually I will have all I can handle and then push will come to shove and he will either choose to step up again , or I will move on. I hate for things to get to that point, but sometimes it's necessary.

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